I deserve someone better than him.

I deserve someone better than him.

I fucking deserve someone better than him.

Me telling myself this is not only satisfying to the "I have to hate on this asshole who is nothing but a big mistake I once made" but is also some sort of epiphany...

I deserve someone who will truly love me.  Who will truly see me as important, and who would not lie to me and hurt me under the guise of trying to "protect me."  Who would fight to keep me in his life.  Who, when he tells me that I'm his favourite, actually means it.

I deserve someone better.

I don't deserve to suffer, like I thought earlier today and I tend to think a lot.

I deserve to be happy.  Because dammit, I work hard and I'm passionate and I try to be a good person and try to acknowledge my mistakes when they happen...

I try.  I try to be better every single day.

I'm not terrible.  I'm not!

And therefore, I deserve someone who isn't terrible to me.

And you know what?  I might be sad and lonely a lot but...

I'm willing to wait for that.


I may not have gotten a lot of schoolwork done tonight, but I feel like in that one conversation, a lot of progress was achieved.  Thank you for helping me with that.  :)

And I might have times I slip out of this mind frame and return to self-loathing, but...this is one of the first times I've said this and have truly truly meant it.