I feel like a huge bum.  And outcasted, though I somewhat did that to myself.

We played Cards Against Humanity for a little, but I was too tired to continue, so I was berated a little bit.  Which is fine, I suppose, because it is all joking and none of it is malicious and I have done that as well, but still.  Bah.

I don't know if it is that tiredness gets connected with sadness, because there really is no reason for me to feel so down right now.  But I do.  And I don't know what to do because of it.

Plus I feel like I ate too much today but I bet that's not true as usual, but I just wish I ate less.  I don't know if it is just that...desire to punish myself through lack of food, or something.  I don't really know what I feel like I want to punish myself for (probably for not being as extroverted as I should be when people are over), but...I don't know.  It might not even be that.  (I've gotten more self-aware of my lack of eating as sometimes self-punishment [because many other times it is legitimate nerves or just being not hungry and not being able to eat or that I forget and stuff], so...I don't know.  It makes it easier to talk about, I suppose.)

Plus at family functions I sometimes think of him because I remember stuff but then I try to stop that feeling because he doesn't deserve to be around my awesome and good and loving family and he never did deserve that at all and he certainly never deserved for me to think he would be a part of it one day.  I may dislike myself enough to sometimes think everything he did I deserved for not being able to see it earlier (though I'm told that is the perfectionist in me talking, unable to forgive myself for something that was impossible to see), but he does not and did not deserve to be anywhere near them.

He didn't deserve their trust.  Just like he didn't deserve mine.

And he doesn't deserve to play drinking games and Halo and dye eggs and everything with us (which I'm fucking sure he'd find lame anyway because he's "too cool" for that shit, or something).  He never did.

Ugh.  Stop thinking about him.  He doesn't deserve that either.

Sadness, go away.

I'm pathetic most of the time.


I know I just bought an expensive as fuck jacket, but I might get myself a squishable because I want one.

Also I want to dance again with my madre.  She seemed to like my music and that made me happy.


And I didn't do enough work this week.  Fuck.  Why am I a lazy motherfucker.