idek I'm bored

I say that I appreciate things (foodstuffs, usually) on an academic level quite a lot.  Aka, they are things that I don't actually like to eat myself, but I appreciate their existence and wish I ate them.

Bacon, cake, pancakes, waffles, peeps, smores...

There's a lot more, but I'm tired and should be sleeping aha.  Idk why I thought of this and was very "must blog."  I'm turning into that guy and I really...do not care.

I feel like a huge bum.  And outcasted, though I somewhat did that to myself.

We played Cards Against Humanity for a little, but I was too tired to continue, so I was berated a little bit.  Which is fine, I suppose, because it is all joking and none of it is malicious and I have done that as well, but still.  Bah.

I don't know if it is that tiredness gets connected with sadness, because there really is no reason for me to feel so down right now.  But I do.  And I don't know what to do because of it.

Plus I feel like I ate too much today but I bet that's not true as usual, but I just wish I ate less.  I don't know if it is just that...desire to punish myself through lack of food, or something.  I don't really know what I feel like I want to punish myself for (probably for not being as extroverted as I should be when people are over), but...I don't know.  It might not even be that.  (I've gotten more self-aware of my lack of eating as sometimes self-punishment [because many other times it is legitimate nerves or just being not hungry and not being able to eat or that I forget and stuff], so...I don't know.  It makes it easier to talk about, I suppose.)

Plus at family functions I sometimes think of him because I remember stuff but then I try to stop that feeling because he doesn't deserve to be around my awesome and good and loving family and he never did deserve that at all and he certainly never deserved for me to think he would be a part of it one day.  I may dislike myself enough to sometimes think everything he did I deserved for not being able to see it earlier (though I'm told that is the perfectionist in me talking, unable to forgive myself for something that was impossible to see), but he does not and did not deserve to be anywhere near them.

He didn't deserve their trust.  Just like he didn't deserve mine.

And he doesn't deserve to play drinking games and Halo and dye eggs and everything with us (which I'm fucking sure he'd find lame anyway because he's "too cool" for that shit, or something).  He never did.

Ugh.  Stop thinking about him.  He doesn't deserve that either.

Sadness, go away.

I'm pathetic most of the time.


I know I just bought an expensive as fuck jacket, but I might get myself a squishable because I want one.

Also I want to dance again with my madre.  She seemed to like my music and that made me happy.


And I didn't do enough work this week.  Fuck.  Why am I a lazy motherfucker.

I'm having this weirdish mood swings today and I really don't know why?

Before, we decided to play kings and at first my sister was kind of (jokingly) mad that I didn't want a drink.  Then, though, when I mentioned that it wasn't because I didn't want to, but more because I couldn't, my sisters and their significant others all started inquiring why.  When I said I was taking stuff and told them (when asked when was the last time I had it) that it was a continued thing for a while, they started guessing what it was for.  And finally they got to depression, and I just kind of said yeah and wanted the conversation to stop and I realized I should've just said I didn't want to drink.  Meh, I don't know.

Then Steph made a remark that I would be happier if I ate and I just kind of laughed but it still kind of hit me in a weird way and...I don't know.

I felt sort of excluded for the rest of the game.  Since I wasn't drinking alcohol, it was like I wasn't actually playing the game.  And I kept getting prodded at to eat stuff and it was a little annoying.

But then later after dinner I had a dance party with my mom in the kitchen and I was really happy.  Just dancing to Streetlight and World/Inferno and other stuff, and that was awesome.

We started playing Cards Against Humanity, also, and...I don't know.  During, I just got somewhat sad.  I really don't know why.  It is a weird feeling and something I cannot really give a reason for.  Just...something which occurs, I suppose.  It happens.  Random mood swings and sadness.

I did take my measurements for my jacket, so I am excited for that.

I don't know what is going on with me right now.  I should be happier than I am.

Going to dye some eggs.

I'm so gross

And I don't care at all at the moment because that concert was awesome and insane and wonderful and I fucking love them so much.

During one of their songs, the lyrics are:
One time I went to just the best party.
The music was good, and the girls were pretty.

And at the "the girls were pretty" the singer leaned down and like... caressed my face and stared at me and I was like "JACK THINKS I'M PRETTY," because I'm a fucking dork when it comes to them and him and ahhhh.  Plus we upgraded from hand-holding to cheek caressing (though hands were touched as well, since I made sure to get a front spot) and gah.  That man.

We were crushed repeatedly and I was kicked in the face numerous times because of stage divers but it was so good.

The two opening bands were also awesome.  One was called Stolen Babies and I have a huge fucking girlcrush on the singer of that.  She was hot as hell, my god.

My ears are still ringing and my voice is super hoarse.  I was shaking from all the adrenaline once we left.

Oh, and we got them to do a triple-encore.  Yeah.  That happened and it was awesome.

They played one of their waltz-y songs, and made us get partners to waltz with.  Some guy asked me and we waltzed and I got his number and he got mine, so aha, that happened.  We even gave each other kisses on the cheeks since we were partners and everything and it was so sweet aha.  I probably will text him (or should I wait for him to text me?  Aaaah I'm bad at this game) either tomorrow or Sunday.  One of those.

Ah.  I'm so pleased right now.  With how I was feeling earlier with all the anger and shiz and then a scare I had mid-trip, that was an excellent end and it was so awesome and I love them and they're perfect.

Say Anything is a super good angry band and I would love in some perfect world to serenade him and his new chick with a few of their songs right before punching him in the face.

Ah, dreams.

Still debating about Airband, too.  Because fuck if I see him I know I'm just going to see red and if I see him with her being all fucking gross and coupley, I'm afraid of whether or not I'd be able to hold myself back and everything.

(Ha.  I haven't feared that in a while.)

Plus a lot of my friends are in his frat and I would like to see them too and go over there and everything, but once again, if I stumble in there and see him I will want to pick up the table (WITH MY SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH fuck you I am the hulk except lol no) that is in there and like...go WWE on him and shit.  (I feel like this is becoming somewhat comical now aha.)

Also that motherfucker still owes me money.  "I promise I'll pay them back" ahahaha.

My god do I hate you.

That tumblr just brought up all these angry feels again (or rather...recharged them, because they never really leave ever).

This really is getting somewhat comedic.


I really do hate that he has a girlfriend.  Because 1) you obviously fucking lied to me twice over when you dumped me, and 2) fuck you you don't deserve to have anyone.  Be fucking lonely so you can see what you do to people you fucking sociopathic piece of shit.

hfdskjhfksdjhfkjdshkj

OH MY GOD how do I handle this I have no idea what to do, writing in here is literally the only thing keeping me from going all fucking Rocky on my walls and shit.

At least Brendan will be here in less than 10.

I should probably finished getting dressed, shouldn't I.  As fun as it is to just chill and dance in my jeans with my belts and a bra, I figure a shirt might be necessary.

It was suggested I get a punching bag or something to try and expend all this anger and everything, and I might...want to do that.  Seriously.

I just don't know what to do.

I don't know how to get rid of it.

I don't know.

I'm angry all the time.

I stumbled upon the tumblr of the roommate.  Won't lie, whenever "roommate's boyfriend" is brought up I feel angry and gross but lawl that's normal and he's a dickbag.  "I just can't do a relationship anytime soon" my ass.  Fuck you.  Fuck you so fucking much you lying piece of shit you deserve only unhappiness and my god I want to kick you in the throat.

I CAN'T WITH THIS HATRED.

Also, World/Inferno later!   But first, Brendan and I have plans on going to the Nintendo Store and then we have reservations at Max Brenner's.  I'm grossly excited. 

I bought that jacket, and they asked me for my measurements, so I should probably get on that today. 

Watched Adam West batman yesterday and had ice cream from my local place and it was excellent. 

This exchange happened over text: 

Brendan: Okay 14:40 then.  See u soon. 

Me: Get that anti-murican time out of here. 

Brendan: Haha real muricans only need 12 numbers to tell time. 

Me: Exactly.  

Sometimes I don't like reminding people that I think differently from them.

It makes me feel self-conscious and sad and guilty.

I talked with my oldest sister about things, about how I'm feeling about the ex and everything.  While she is very pleased I'm now at the "I hate him and I'm angry" level rather than the "I miss him so much and still want to be with him so I'm going to be blind to his lies and his douchiness" level, I still don't think she understands. And she can try to.  She's been in a bad breakup before, and everything, but she doesn't...think the way I do.

She is more normal.  Healthier.

Feelings of self-hatred and perfectionism do not travel with her wherever she goes.

She was surprised when I said I only stopped talking to him in November, since she said she thought it was earlier.  I said I kept it a secret because I didn't want people to know, since they were not really helping me after a while.  She quickly countered with "well if you had listened-" and I cut her off, basically, saying that I was not in a position to listen to the advice they gave me.  And it was not for lack of trying.  I tried.  I did.  But I could not do it.  She then brought up that she knew that and knows that and that I had to do it on my own time, though I wondered if she would have said that if I didn't bring up how hard I tried to do what they all said.

And then I felt guilty because she asked me when we broke up and I said on the 29th of February of last year.  She remembered that it was right before her dress fitting, and I said, "yeah, remember how miserable I was?"  She then gave me a look, and said that she did, and that she remembered all of it.  I knew she didn't mean just the dress fitting.  That she meant the entire wedding process.  And she complained about me.  To everyone, it seems.  Or at least to enough people.

I apologized (again), and she said that it was fine now.

But I just feel that crushing guilt on top of my sadness again and I know it isn't her fault because she doesn't really understand how I think and how fucked up I truly am.  She wants to see me as the happy carefree individual little sister I once was.  (Though, truthfully, I have always thought like this.  I have on some level always hated myself and have always wished I could be better than I am.  Since elementary school, I was a perfectionist.)

I'm sorry, Dee.  I wish I could think normally, like you do.

I wish my sadness didn't hurt you, and that I was strong enough to overcome it.


I'm a burden even on those who love me.  They probably prefer it when I'm not around.

Dee is here and hair looks nice and package was delivered successfully and now I am super happy.

No more sad feels for the time being!

Yay! :)

Stop

Stop, brain.  Stop these thoughts of him.  Stop these thoughts of my own perceived incompetence.  Stop.  Just stop.  I would really appreciate it.

Maybe I'm thinking of this stuff particularly because I'm by myself right now.  With the exception of the puppy, who is napping on top of the couch.  It is kind of super cute.

Or maybe I'm thinking of this stuff because of the possibility of Airband, which means we'll both be on campus and the chances of running into each other are somewhat high.  I still need to think about that.  While it could be fun, it is a risky thing to do.  Even my mom expressed serious concern about me going and seeing him and then "getting the cops involved."  She knows how I feel, and apparently that is a super legitimate thing she's concerned with.

(Also when I told her that he apparently thinks we ended okay, she rolled her eyes and laughed and said "yeah, you screaming in the middle of the night obviously means everything was okay" and agreed with me that he is completely 100% delusional when it comes to that.  I think it is most likely that he just wants to believe that everything ended all fine and fucking dandy so he blatantly ignores or makes excuses for all the shit he did.  Like lying to "protect me."  And telling everyone we broke up mutually.  All things so that he wouldn't look bad in the end.  Pathetic.)

I've said this before but I hate when sad feels override angry feels when I think about him, because it brings up a whole mess of other feelings, all of which I want to suppress and never acknowledge.  Anger is easier to deal with.

I was recently asked if closure would be good (since I never really did get it), and I said that I didn't think it would help.  Because I really do not think it would.


Parents are bringing me noms, so they should be home soon and help distract me from such thoughts.  Yay.

Jack (my sister's dog) thinks he is much larger than he is.  So when we see another puppers on the street while out on a walk, if that puppers is significantly larger than him (for example, a Great Pyrenees mix, who was absolutely gorgeous), he whines and growls a little.  Which is weird, because he is usually so friendly, but I really do think it has to do with the fact that he doesn't like when other dogs are much bigger than him.  I think it intimidates him.  Of course, I might be wrong, because I don't know all too much about doggie psychology, but he is so good with dogs his own size.

As much as I love him, I can't wait for my own dog, and I hope to train him/her a little better.  Jack selectively listens to commands, I feel, and he has really atrocious leash manners.  I try to fix them when I take him out, but what I try to do is forgotten when others take him.  And I know Dee's husband feeds him from the table, so he's gotten more...begger-ish when we're eating, and I don't want my puppers to do that!

But I do love Jack.  He is a cutie.


I'm getting my hair cut today.  Oh boy.


I should really try to focus on more proposals but I don't want to at all.  


You are a faker (admit it)
You are a fraud (admit it)
Yeah, you're living a lie (hey), living a lie (hey), your life is living a lie.
You don't impress me (admit it)
you don't intimidate me (admit it)
Why don't you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank (yeah)!

UMD Dream

So I had a dream where I, for some reason, had to go visit UMD, and in order to get there, I had to take a bus.

And on this bus, was him, though I guess he didn't see me at first.

I kept myself distracted by doing game theory problems, and then I started talking with his friends (or I'm guessing that is who they were) - who didn't know who I was - about comic-con.  We were somewhat away from him, which was good.

But then when we all got off the bus, he met up with these two chicks (honestly both of them looked like hookers in the dream, idk if they were supposed to be or not), and they were being all super gross on the street and I couldn't get away from them no matter how hard I tried so I ended up going up to him and exploding.  I just started screaming at him and he was shocked that I was around and then did the whole "I want to talk to you" stuff but I just kept yelling and I don't even know what I was saying.

I don't know.  Maybe this dream happened because I was feeling sad when I went to sleep?  I fucking hate when he pops up in them, but at least I was yelling at him and my hatred could be felt, rather than us having a good time or anything.  Those are far worse than these.

But these still suck royally.


Also those stupid bitstrips things keep popping up on my dash and they are so fucking annoying.  Seriously.  Don't do that.  It's obnoxious and you're not cool.  ./whines.  It's early leave me alone I'm allowed to be snobby about this.

Sad feels and self-loathing feels and I want them to go away.

I hate that even being at home can't shelter me from them.

I'm really tired.  Even at home.  Even when I'm not at school and working.  I'm always tired.  Caffeine is necessary to just get me through the day without being exhausted every damn minute I'm awake.

Guy is back in the states, it seems.  I'm going to resist any desire to text him, because I'm trying to stop that.  I am not going to run down a dead end road.  Even for friendship.

I don't know why I believe a dog really will help me.  But I still do think that.  But I'm somewhat selfish, and even though he/she will be with me and my friends, I want him/her to be my dog, and to love me the most, and to be most obedient to me and to want to sit with me and everything.  I don't know.  It is selfish, but I want to have that special connection that no one else will have.

Because I'm hoping that special connection will really help me.


Bah.  Sadness might just be linked to tiredness.  Might just put on 30 Rock and try to sleep.

Proposals

I'm trying to evaluate the proposals that the undergrads gave to me, and it is kind of discouraging me a little bit.  Just because I think all the advice I'm trying to give is absolute garbage and isn't actually going to help and I'm going through a "maybe I shouldn't try doing this for a living because I fucking suck" thing right now.  But I don't think I'm good at anything and this is one of the things I'm better at than other stuff, so what the fuck else would I do if not this.

I don't really know.

My friend asked last night if I wanted to hang out today, and I said yes originally, but now I'm not really feeling up to it at all.  I just want to try and do work and watch tv and play games by myself and not go anywhere.

Maybe I'll try to postpone until tomorrow, or something.  Or maybe I won't be feeling so down later, and I'll want to hang out.  I feel bad for doing this, but I really just don't want to hang out at all...

I've only done like...four proposals, and my advice for all of them is garbage.  Ugh.

Airband

Now, part of me was wondering if I should go to UC for Airband this year.  I've been thinking I would enjoy it, because I missed last year's since I was at home wallowing and everything.  (Trust me: I watched the performance which he was involved in and fucking broke down and I'm so glad I decided to not go last year because of everything.)  It is the same weekend as the possible Atlantic City trip, though I think it would be cool to go to AC for that Friday, and then head over to UC on Saturday, stay over, and then head  back to Binghamton on Sunday.

The only thing is...I know he is going to be there.  And the last thing I really want to do is see him.  Seriously.  The thought of it makes me feel absolutely sick to my stomach.  I don't want to see his face, his jacket, his arms around that fucking wannabe-hipster chick he's with, his hair (also blond, seriously?), nothing!  I just want him to disappear and for me to never see or think about him and that would be absolutely fantastic and I would love that because fuck you I hate you so much.

(I was just chatting with Anisha for a bit which is why my hate levels have spiked right now aha.)

But, do I really want that worthless piece of trash to again prevent me from going and enjoying something I really like?

Plus, I can meet and chill with new friends and hang with old ones and if I did what I'm thinking, Carl and/or Brendan would be with me as well - since we'd be coming directly from AC - so I'd have a buffer around myself from him (and I'd finally be able to show them my undergrad!).  They both really hate him too, from all the stories I've told them, so they'd definitely help me get away from him if I happened to spot him accidentally or anything.

I just want to see Airband (and a friend!).

I just don't want to see him.

Decisions, decisions...  


I ate a super big lunch so I haven't been hungry since then.  So even though I ate a lot then, I didn't eat dinner, so I still only had one meal today.  Way to go, Allison.  Way to go.

Laser Tag!

Also I want to go laser tagging, but I want to go to a really good place.

I know there is a sick place in Reading, PA, and I think there is another one near Philly.  So when I visit Ursinus again I can take people to them if they want!  And I can bring my grad school friends and we can all have a super good time just playing laser tag and enjoying the company and everything like that.

Both places I'm thinking about are two floors and lots of fun.  And I always break the 'no running' rule.  Last time I went with Karen, I played with the name 'Thor' and yelled too often that I was the 'god of thundah!'

I was probably really annoying, but fuck, laser tag is so much fun.

Monster Mini Golf

Brendan and I got together today and went to the Entenmann's store. We were unfortunately both super full so we didn't get as much as we would have, but there are plans to maybe head back there soon (maybe today or tomorrow) to get more.  We then went to this mini golf place which is apparently really new and it was very Halloweeny.  Blacklight inside, a bunch of creepy decorations.  It was really awesome.  We also played a round of air hockey.  Unfortunately, I scored on myself a few times, which kind of gave him the victory, but I ended up winning mini golf by two strokes!  I somewhat wish I lost though, because they then gave him a coupon for a free round at his next visit with the words, "you need to practice" on it, which made me laugh.

We almost bought White 2 and Black 2, because Gamestop was having a "buy 2 get 1 free" on any pre-owned DS and Wii games, but we couldn't find Black 2 pre-owned.  Brendan did show me the 3DS he just bought; it was the extra large one and my god it was so nice.  I want one.  But I do think I want the leather jacket first though.  I should maybe get on that so I can have it for when the weather gets nicer!

Before I met up with Brendan I went with Danny to lunch.  I took him to my favourite Italian restaurant, and he was very pleased.  We discussed a lot of things, and I'm very grateful to have friends who are still okay with me complaining about the ex and everything.  (And he's not the only one, so I'm grateful to all of them!) He has always been the person to tell me that I will never forget about the ex, as much as I want to, but I will find someone better.  Better for me and better to me, and when I find that person, I will really get over my previous relationship, even though I will always think about it.  Just in a different way.

I want to believe him, I really do, since he has gone through this.

He warned me to not let my hatred consume me.  I told him that is harder to do than it seems.

He also joined the chorus of those who have told me that the ex truly isn't happy, and that is why he jumps from person to person.  That he is trying to fill a void that may not be able to be filled in that way.  Specifically, he said he was completely sure of that.

I don't know.


Also watched some Too Cute puppies before!  That show is just so adorable and I can't.  Now watching some Downton Abbey with my mom, and I might try to do some work later too.


Didn't forget my medication today, either!


Also I love getting random texts.  They make me supper happy. :)

Dreams

So I'm pretty sure I overslept and it might have to do with the two dreams I had.

The first one was before I woke up around 8:30, and it was actually kind of really upsetting.  Some asshole was breeding German Shepard puppies only to release them and then hunt them.  And I remember running around trying to basically hunt him, and save the puppies.  He had released three of them and unfortunately I ended up not being able to save one of them before he got to them.  But then I did catch up to the two remaining puppies and I was trying to hide with them in bushes and everything.  He did see us but I was able to allow them to run away and everything.  I'm pretty sure I woke up when he and I started fighting because I said I was going to kill him and I meant that.

The second involved me taking some sort of standardized test, but I was still on the internet and the proctor was giving us a ton of hints.  Like, basically at one point there was a question about a pattern and it involved the behaviour of people on Tumblr, so I answered in one way and she told me that was wrong before I circled it and everything.  And then at another point I was looking up some phrase on wikipedia (I'm pretty sure it doesn't actually exist in real life it was so bizarre), and she saw me and didn't...really care.

I don't know!  It was weird.  Far less upsetting than the first one though.  

Pokemon

I suck at Halo.  And my parents remarked that I'm "much quieter when playing games [I'm] good at."  Which I found funny.  But seriously, I kind of really suck.  Hopefully I'll get better when I get the chance to play more often!  Which I would like.

I was a little productive today; I decided to go over some slides from my Methods class from the past two weeks or so and then I also read two articles for American.  But most of my productivity went to Pokemon! Seriously, leveling up Larvesta from level 1 to level 59 to evolve him took fucking forever.  I decided to battle Cynthia a few times even though I knew I would lose because I'm also trying to hatch eggs so I only used four of my main party against her.  (Though those who did actually held up nicely against her.  I do think that if I took her on with a full team I'd be able to beat her.)

Since I'm home I'm going to commandeer Joanna's ds and her black version and do some trading.  Oh, and Brendan got a 3ds and black version so when I go back I still have someone to trade with.  Huzzah!

Right now my main party is Zebstrika, Samurott, Hydreigon, Conkeldurr, Unfezant, and Stoutland.  I've been thinking if I want to switch any of them out for someone else but I kind of am enjoying this party a lot?  I do want an Umbreon those.  Because fuck I love me my Umbreons.  Or if I could get a Zorua I'd be pleased with that too!

Overall I'm happy to be home, but I sometimes still get hit with sad feelings and thoughts for no reason?  (Thought of guy currently in Russia and how I'm still uncertain about what/who I am to him, for example.)  Maybe it is also because I forgot to take my medication today.  Oops.  I usually don't forget at my apartment because it is on my desk so I always see it.  Right now it is in my backpack.  I need to remember tomorrow.

My Methods professor hasn't posted up the homework he said he was going to give us.  I kind of hope he forgot about it.  It'd be really fucking sweet to not have any methods homework to do.


Ha.  I'm giving someone like...relationship/meeting people advice and I really don't want to be (least of all because I suck at giving this advice) but I also don't want to go into the "I'm still bitter and angry and lonely and fuck this" explanation.  So instead I'm going with the generic "there are great people out there and you'll find them" speech.  Pathetic, yes, but I'm not in the mood to go into my whole background with someone I don't know all too well.  Plus it'll probably just depress him, or something.

Meh.

But I have a puppy sleeping in my bed so it is all good!

Hopefully in around 2-3 months I will have my own.  And hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to volunteer at the shelter and it'll be awesome.

My parents have been telling me about places to get doggie stuff for cheap and in bulk, since they know I've been donating a lot to the shelter.  So I want to grab some more things when I'm down here (want to hit up Sam's Club - my parents have a membership but I don't, and it is a great place to get huge bags of stuff), and then I can bring it on Monday maybe!  Perhaps tomorrow I'll go shopping; it should be fun!

Also I should pay my rent tomorrow...

World/Inferno in a few short days!

Home

I have a puppers on my bed laying at my feet right now and that pleases me.

We're watching Jack - my oldest sister's dog - and I was super super happy when I came home and he was there to greet me.

My ride down was awesome; Brendan and I talked about a lot of stuff and listened to great music and everything.  I left my cds with him since we took his car instead of Cornelius; I won't be driving a car with a cd player or anything.  He was really really grateful when I did, aha, since he really enjoys my music choices.

Both my parents and my little sister are happy I'm home, and I am happy to be as well!  Though I did have some sad feels last night and I don't really know why.  Maybe it was just my brain acting up, because there really was no reason for me to feel sad.  Maybe it was also because I was really tired.

Joanna picked me up and remarked how light I was.  And when I told my mom how I'm tired all the time she replied that it is because I don't eat and had a sad expression on her face.  I'm going to try to eat more while on this vacation.  It should help that they're around; I'll probably be poked at more than when I'm by myself and everything.


Someone has hurt Carl and I want to hurt them for doing that.  On Friday, Carl told one of the prospectives that the two of us are like brother and sister and that actually made me super happy, because it is true.  And I love that it is true.

So when you hurt my brother, who is a far better person than I could ever hope to be and only deserves happiness, I want nothing more than for you to suffer.

Questions

When I was falling asleep last night, I guess it was because I was in a weird state of tiredness and also it was way later than I usually go to bed, I was thinking about him and everything, and for one of the first times in a long while, sadness overrode my anger concerning everything.  I was just thinking about questions, I guess.

Why did you lie to me over and over again?  Was anything you said when you broke up with me actually true?  Was anything you said to me when we were together actually true?  Was I ever actually your "favourite," or is that just a line you feed to every girl you sleep with?  Why did you tell me how much you wanted to only be with me two weeks prior to dumping me, if in the end that wasn't the case?

How could you have done this to me?

How could you do all this (and more) and be okay with it all?

You're so good at this - making people love you and then abandoning them - that I wonder sometimes if you actually enjoy it.  If you're actually just really sadistic and enjoy doing this.  I hope not, but I do wonder that.

As many questions as I have, actually trying to get answers would require I talk to him again, which I never ever want to do (since I'm pretty sure my hatred would blow out any other feelings and I'd get arrested for punching him in the face).  Also, even if I did get answers, I wouldn't believe any of them.  I've learned.  After far too long, I have learned.

I'm really not feeling too sad at the moment, since I am so excited about going home and seeing people.  But, I was...contemplative.

I suppose that is the right word.

So the first day of vacation has been awesome.

Brendan and I first ran to Target and got some more junk food and stuff.  And while we were there we picked up some more stuff for the puppers at the shelter I want to work at.  Unfortunately when we went, they were closed.  It is closed on the weekends, so we won't be able to give our stuff to them until we come back from break, which is a little sad.  I wanted to bring stuff in today especially since it is puppy day!  But maybe I can get even more stuff on the Island, or something!  I just want to bring them so many things.

We then went to the arcade and played for a little!  We actually beat House of the Dead, which neither have us have ever done before and my god it felt like such an accomplishment.  Then Marvel v. Capcom and Sinistar were played before returning back to my apartment for an evening full of Archer and Pokemon.  Seriously, it was fantastic.  We also looked up some houses and apartments for us to possibly visit when we get back; we just need to set some things up!

But yeah, I didn't eat dinner but...I did eat.  A lot of junk food, so I guess it is okay?  Ahaha.  Chips and dip and Buncha Crunch were the main things.  I am so full even though I really should have had real food.  But he and I said even yesterday that we were just gonna laze out and eat stuff that was really bad for us because dammit we've worked super hard all semester and we deserve it!

I've been evolving a shit ton of people in Pokemon White.  And hatching a lot of eggs.  Though I need to poke at someone who has Black version so I can trade with them.  Or pressure a friend into buying it.  I should get White 2 or Black 2, also.  We'll see.  I still want that leather jacket, too.

We're hoping to leave by noon tomorrow for the Island.  He's going to drive, since we took Cornelius last time.

I did have some moments of sad/anger when I was driving to pick him up because I thought of the person I think about way too much (certainly more than he deserves) but all thoughts of him disappeared while I was hanging and it was awesome.  Now if that can happen to the point where I actually have a full day where I don't think about him at all, that would be fantastic.  Because I would really really like that.  Sadly, I haven't had that.  Since the day we sat outside Dairy Queen and ate ice cream, I haven't had a day where I don't think about him.  It is kind of pathetic, really.

But nope, no sad feels right now!  Still happy with the day.  Not even thoughts of him can make me sad at the moment!  That's how awesome things were today.

National Puppy Day

Today is national puppy day, apparently!

So I might buy some stuff and head over to the shelter with Brendan!  And then we're just going to relax and watch stuff and play video games and it is going to be so sweet!  I won't be thinking about work at all, or at least I'll try not to!

Gonna head down to the Island tomorrow, but I did have a nice long chat with my dad before!  He sounds excited to see me, and was really happy that I sounded a lot more relaxed and less stressed out than I did in the beginning of the week.  I also skyped with Anisha for the first time in what seems like forever.

I need to go pick him up but I'm so lazy aha I really want to just stay here in sweatpants and everything.

My prospective just left and before she did she thanked me for hosting her and that she had a good time and specifically told me that I'm "amazing" and that made me feel really good because someone I just met and was able to make feel comfortable and everything already thinks I'm not a terrible person and thinks I'm really nice and stuff and it helps.

Before I woke up I was having a skyrim-like dream.  It was like skyrim and guild wars based and it was cool and I don't remember much but I remember my horse looked really cool but weird and I kept running around and killing things and it was cool.

Gonna go back to sleep now.  I don't even know if I'll remember writing this tomorrow aha.  Though she was very grateful that I woke up to say goodbye and all.

Prospective Weekend

Okay, so the midterm was kind of really intense and brutal.  While I think I did well on 3 of the 5 questions, it appears I have misinterpreted the first question, and the fifth one had a really difficult part to it, so I don't really know how I did.  I'm actually kind of bummed about that; I think I could have done better.  I just wanted to show my professor that I know what I'm doing in that class (at least somewhat), and I'm afraid that my midterm won't show that as well as I wanted.

Meh.

But...no, Allison.  You studied super hard, and you just misinterpreted something that anyone could have.  You tried your best!  Don't let the perfectionist in you make you feel down about this!

Trying.

Anyway, my prospective is super nice, and I do hope she chooses here (though this program seems more quantitative than she is looking for, so if she doesn't, that is okay)!  The other three prospectives who were here also were really cool.  After happy hour (where we sobbed about the midterm but did bond with our game theory professor a little bit, which was good), I took three of the four prospectives, Brendan, Carl, and another member of my cohort back to my apartment and we chilled for a bit before dinner.  They seemed to enjoy us and had fun with us!

Dinner was good, though it was long.  Since there were so many of us, I guess everything took a really long time to make and stuff.  And I was slightly annoyed because before the weekend, one of the second years who was running this wrote a somewhat inflammatory email about how we all needed to go to everything in order to make the propectives feel welcome and all.  But the person who wrote that wasn't around at all today, and then the person whom he designated to take over for him wasn't around for happy hour nor the dinner.  So it was a little hectic.

My prospective's plane leaves super early tomorrow, so a taxi is coming to get her at 4:40 in the morning, so I am going to get up at 4:30 just to say goodbye.  And then I'll go back to sleep.  I think I'll stay here all day tomorrow to enjoy my empty apartment and just chill with Brendan for a day, and then I'll head down to the Island with him.

Then, World/Inferno on Friday!  So excited!

Though for now I'm super tired.

Midterm

Okay, game theory midterm in less than two hours.

You can do this, Allison.  Even though you're more than a little nervous because the second years said that the test they got resulted in an average of less than 50.

But!  You've studied all week, you have good concise notes to go over one last time beforehand...you got this!  There is nothing more you could have done!  (...maybe.)


I'm freaking out a little.  Wahhhhh.

My prospective seems very nice, though I dropped her off with the older students so that we could go back to my place and do some more game theory.  I really just want to take this and be done and then spring break please.  I wrote down a bunch of strategies on how to solve certain types of problems and I think that will really help me.

I'll probably write something more substantial later before bed...maybe.  Aha.

Though when I was picking the prospective up, there were three people who got off the plane and ran happily into their significant others' arms, and I immediately got really bitter.  I was like "fuck your happiness, get that shit away from me," and Brendan was laughing, but...seriously.

It did make me really bitter, because it reminded me of when he came to London.

I don't want to be reminded of that.

And I'm alone, I'm alone, and I'm hoping she's sappy just like me.
I'm alone and I hope she's unhappy just like me.
Just like me.


You know how to not be a shittastic roommate?  Don't take the bathroom for a half hour at 7:30 in the morning when you know the person living with you needs to be somewhere by 8:30 and you don't have anywhere to go that morning.

Ugh, I can't fucking wait to be out of there and away from him, seriously.  He's such a dickface and I just want to strangle him.


I'm tired and need to spend my time studying game theory today for the midterm tomorrow.

And then I'm home free.  Spring break.

So after I edited my review (even though it is still shit; seriously, everything I write is pure garbage), Brendan came over and all we did was watch Archer and play pokemon.  And he brought me a bottle of coke, which is always an appreciated gift.  He says he's thinking about getting a 3DS and I know I want one too because I still have this stupid pink DS Lite and while it works I hate it for a number of reasons, least of all it being pink and I hate that colour.  Most of all because it belonged to the ex at first.  So maybe...

(And I like when he sends me texts saying I'm awesome and that he loves hanging with me.  We've been friends now for a while and I still get those from him and it makes me happy.)

Also, I'm thinking about getting this leather jacket because it is super cool looking and I want one so bad!  It's just really expensive.  I am thinking about buying it as a "you've been working hard so here is a gift for yourself" thing.  Usually I never buy myself expensive stuff like that, so...maybe.  It looks so cool.  I just get nervous about buying clothes online because I can't try them on first though.  I'll think about it more.  

And we're thinking about going to the Atlantic City Beer Festival in two weeks, because I want to see the Bouncing Souls and they're playing there, and he and Carl both really like beer so I was thinking it could be a really fun thing to do!  We joked and said we should tell our professor and get him to come too, aha, since all he talks about is beer.  What could be really sweet (for me at least), is that if you get there earlier and register as a designated driver with guests, your ticket is like...a fifth of what the normal tickets cost.  And since I a) don't like beer, and b) can't drink anyway, that would be ideal!  Really I just want to go for the music!

Tomorrow will be spent studying game theory, and then I will pick up my prospective!  I'm a little nervous about hosting, yet also excited!  Two of the older students volunteered to take her out and entertain her tomorrow night, though, since I am going to need to study and everything.  Bah, I really wish I was able to take this midterm tomorrow.  I just want it out of the way so I can start my spring break!

Sad thing is that I'm stupidly excited to go home also for pizza.  I still haven't found a decent pizzeria up here and that blows.

I don't really want to go to bed yet but I know I need to soon because I need to get up early to go to a lecture I don't want to go to.  Wahhh.

racism talks

Today has been very...work-heavy.  But before I get into that, I do want to get into the bullshit that went down with my undergrads this morning.  Let's just say I was not too happy when I left because of the conversation that went down.

So, we were discussing how people choose to vote and everything.  And we were talking about how people identify with political parties.  My class is predominantly white, and this one is very conservative overall (or at least, those who speak up the most are more conservative).  One of my students, who is Latina, brought up the fact that Mexican-Americans are still discriminated against: she said that even though a lot of them are actually conservative, it is hard for them to vote Republican with all the discriminatory laws against them.  She specifically brought up that in schools in Arizona, there is a push to cut all Mexican-American history classes because they are "promoting hatred of America," meanwhile, that history is important to Mexican-American students who are constantly told they will not succeed in school.  Everything she said was from personal experience and is important to listen to.

Except I'm pretty sure that I am the only one who actually listened to her.

Instead of agreeing that yes, people of colour still have it worse than whites in this country, everyone started making a fuss about how "it isn't about race" and that "the Irish were discriminated against too!"  It was just overwhelming privilege-denying and a refusal to actually listen to the one person in there (I usually have two more students who are women of colour too but they were not there today) who could truly say something about racism.  They started bringing up the fact that "well we don't need Mexican-American history because that is covered in World History!"  And I, despite usually wanting to remain as outside the conversation as possible, brought up that World History classes are still very centered on Europe, with a secondary focus on Asia.  But fuck, world history is really European history sprinkled with some other places.

Then, at one point, someone said that the Irish were seen as on the same level as black Americans, and I stopped him immediately.  Because that is disgustingly false, and yes, while the Irish faced hard times, it was and is nowhere near the level of discrimination people of colour faced and still face (ex. Irish Americans were never seen as property).  And the Irish do not have to deal with discrimination now, whereas people of colour still do.

I could tell that she was getting really upset, and I was getting really angry, so I stopped the conversation.  No one was listening to her, which was making me really fucking angry, because I don't know why it is so fucking hard for white people to admit that yes, they have had some advantages because of their race, and they cannot understand what it is like to be a nonwhite individual!

I talked to her afterward, and felt horrible when she started crying, saying that she normally hates that type of conversation because that is what happens.  People do not listen to her.  I allowed her to talk to me, and listened to what she had to say, and told her that I myself was getting angry; she pointed out some of her classmates' hypocrisy: they want people to do research when they decide to vote, but are incredibly ignorant when it comes to race relations.  And I agreed.  We talked about how history in America is predominantly white and male and that it is important for other histories to be taught as well.  I told her that I really can't understand what she goes through, as I am a white woman, and that I hope at least some people will stop talking over her and start listening to her.

Because seriously, that shit needs to happen.

The fact that a woman of colour can't have a conversation about race without a bunch of white people (mostly guys) telling her she's wrong is gross.  The fact that she started crying is not surprising, but it is still really really upsetting, and I'm not even in her shoes.

The whole thing pissed me off greatly.


Anyway, after that, I was in methods until around 1, and then immediately went to the extra game theory session that my professor was doing.  It lasted around four hours, so I am kind of shot.  But I want to edit my review after eating and then I want to just watch a movie with friends.  I should try to clean a little too, since the prospective is coming tomorrow and I know for a fact my roommate isn't going to lift a goddamn finger.

Another girl who was close to a few friends of mine committed suicide.

Again, I did not know her, similar to the other girl from UC, but my thoughts are with her, and with all those people who knew and loved her.  And I loved her despite never meeting her, and am sad she felt like she had to do this.


Kinship.

Alright, so this first draft of the review is done, and although I still think it sucks, it will have to do for the time being.  I want to try and finish the game theory problems, and I only have three left to do, so hopefully that won't be so difficult.

My session went well today: I talked about how me going to his facebook all the time is like an addiction I can't stop, even though I want to.  I was asked what I'm looking for; why I go there.  I said it is partially because of a curiosity I can't seem to shake (and hoping I'll see some indication that he is at least a little sad even though he doesn't post anything personal on there anyway so I'm never going to see anything like that), and it is also some sort of desire...to see if the person I loved will ever return.

He's the one I miss.  The one who doesn't actually exist.  But I still sometimes hope that he will come back.  Though I remarked that I'd be even worse if he ever did come back and I noticed it.  Because that is who I loved and who I wanted to spend my time with: the version of him that exists now, I want nothing to do with.  But that version...the mask, so to say, since I loved that version so much, it would be incredibly painful for me to watch that person go off with someone else.  I don't know.

I also told her that I miss the feeling of unconditional trust that I had.  That since him there has been no one I have trusted 100%, including my close friends.  Which isn't fair on them, but I just...can't help it.  If someone who claimed to love me more than anyone he had ever met (which I suspect was also a lie) could bullshit me so thoroughly, why wouldn't anyone else?  And I recognize I should think it is because he is a piece of shit and my friends are not, but still.  I miss that feeling of trusting someone else completely.

But she did remark that all I'm doing whenever I go there is just...ripping off a scab and rubbing salt in the wound.  Which I recognize I am doing.

Bah.  I don't know.

She is happy that I'm heading home, because I need to surround myself with my family who truly love me and who will help me continue to build myself up again.  That I need to be around people who love me for me and who do not think I'm boring and who do not lie to me and who would not abandon me as he did.


I'm actually in a good mood right now (surprisingly, considering what I'm writing about here); my friends left not too long ago and we were joking around a lot today.  Example:

Me: Bros before hoes, man.  And in this case, I'm the bro, and he's the hoe.

Plus Brendan and I made a game because we were bored and it was funny to us.

I'm tired.

Property Hunting

So I found the house we really liked back on the for rent listings on a different website, so I am kind of hoping that isn't just that they forgot to take it off and that it really is for rent again.  Plus, I'm thinking that if we start finding things with a certain number of bedrooms and a finished basement, we could actually get an additional roommate to go in the basement and drive down the rent even more.  That would be really sweet, since most houses for rent seem to not include any of the utilities, either, which is annoying.

But damn, that house is so fucking sweet and I want it.

Though it didn't say anything about pets, and honestly, if they tell me I can't have a dog, I'll walk away.  Because not being able to have one is a huge dealbreaker now.

Going to try and bang out my review today, since my writer's block prevented me from doing so yesterday.  I'm still not feeling very inspired to write, but now it is a necessity, since the thing is due tomorrow.  However, I did get a lot of my game theory problem set finished last night.

Feeling kind of sickish, but I need to suck it up.

Also it is still snowing.  My god.  I hope I don't get stuck here, because that would be terrible.


I just wanna skype with people?!  Like.  Everyone.  Three people in particular.  But I have work to do.  Sob.  

Dad

My dad texted me saying that I'm going on a cruise this summer and that made me happy for a little even though I was drowning in self-loathing and feelings of inadequacies due to being unable to produce a single coherent fucking sentence my god what I have written is so bad.

Then because I was feeling so down and unable to write I called him and we talked for some time.  Just about random stuff, like my taxes and the cruise and our work and everything.

At one point he said, when I told him I was happy when he told me news about the cruise that he was very glad that he made me happy, and I realize how big that is to say, since I think most times I talk to my parents, I'm sad.  Which makes sense, since that is how I feel most of the time, but they notice it and have noticed it and I wish more than anything I could be happy more often for them.

For some reason, I thought of some things that happened over a year ago.  First was before my breakup, after a very upsetting conversation with the now-ex.  It left me emotionally distraught, though I didn't say anything to anyone.  I didn't want anyone to know how upset I was.  How I felt unloved and alone despite being with someone.  But even though I didn't say anything, I guess it was obvious, because at one point my dad came up and hugged me from behind while I was cooking, and told me that he loved me.  I couldn't turn around because I knew I would cry if I did.  Second was the morning after my breakup.  I woke up at 7 or so in the morning, after maybe two hours of sleep.  I ran into the bathroom, still swearing that what happened the night before was a dream, though knowing full well that was not true.  My dad must've thought it unusual I was up so early, because he was standing outside in the hallway when I got out.  He said some joke at first, and then noticed my face.  He asked me if I was okay, and I broke down.  He didn't understand, asking me over and over what was wrong while hugging me, but I couldn't answer.  So he asked me if my ex had been hurt.  When I shook my head no, he then asked if my ex hurt me, to which I nodded.  He then hugged me tighter, and asked if my ex said he didn't want to see me anymore.  I think the harder sob that came out of me confirmed that even better than another nod would have.  He then stayed there with me until I calmed down, and told me I should try to sleep more and then we would talk about it.  The rest of the day was spent doing things with me.  Third was right after my breakup, and I was heading out somewhere (I think it might have been the Youth and Government conference).  When my dad walked me out to my car, he saw how sad I was.  That I was fighting to not cry.  He then looked at me and said "and here I thought I was your boyfriend," jokingly, in an attempt to cheer me up.  But I just started crying, and he hugged me for a long time, apologizing over and over because he didn't mean to make me cry.

And then, at my graduation...he was crying.  And I think it was more because it was the first time since my breakup I actually felt happy, and actually looked happy.  He didn't cry at either one of my sisters' graduations.

I wish I could be happy so that I wouldn't make him sad so much.

Between remembering all this, and then also remembering how my mom cried for me when she first found out about my breakup, insisting that he just made a huge mistake because of how wonderful I always was to him, and then also when she sobbed when I left for my second semester of grad school, telling me how she worries about me...I realize how much my condition has affected my parents.  And I'm hit with this weird feeling of love and warmth contrasted with this feeling of guilt.

I don't like making them sad.  Them of all people.  They don't deserve sadness.

Review

Ugh why is this review so difficult to do, for some reason.

I've been sitting here for a few hours now and only have around 500 words.  And I'm pretty sure everything I've written so far has been absolute shit.

But ha, everything I write is shit.  All of it is garbage.  It isn't worthy of being touched again for possible publications.  Ha, why am I even in this; nothing I write will ever get published, because it is all awful.

It just is.

I don't even have an idea for a dissertation.  Hell, I don't even know what my concentration is going to be yet.


It's snowing pretty hard right now.  I'd like for stuff to be cancelled tomorrow, but I doubt that'll happen.

I don't feel well today.  Physically and mentally.  Bah.

I woke up late this morning; so even though I woke up at 8:10, I was on campus by 8:30, which still made me late to my class, but the undergrads all seemed to understand.  But I felt sick when I got up and I still do and I'm forcing myself to have food right now even though ugh I really don't want to.

Plus maybe it is because I woke up so suddenly...but I'm even more tired than usual.  I couldn't pay attention during my seminar today.  But I'm getting caffeinated right now so hopefully I'll be able to focus and everything in a little bit.  And it is so fucking cold, I can't

Sitting out in my living room with a blanket and everything.

But maybe my sad feels today are because of my sick feels.

Or it is just carrying over from yesterday?  Probably a bit of both.


Agenda for today is to get the draft of the review for methods finished, and then do some game theory.  Also, I need to email my professor asking her if I can take the test on Thursday rather than Friday.

Found a thing in Atlantic City to possibly go to; it is a beer convention thing the weekend of the 5th, which my friends will probably be interested in.  I want to go because the Bouncing Souls are playing aha.  It might be fun to take a weekend trip down there.


Want to sleep.  Want happy feels to come to me.

People

Thinking about a boy whom I loved and who destroyed me in ways he doesn't understand, despite how much I post and talk about it.  I tell myself I'm over him, but I'm not because there is still some part of me that can't believe this has happened, because I foolishly loved him more than I should have.

Thinking about another boy whom I care about and who is far away at the moment and who I don't think cares about me.  I tell myself that is okay, but it hurts.

Thinking about a girl who, in the short time I have been talking to her, has helped me more than perhaps she realizes.  I tell myself that I only wish to reciprocate to her as much as I can, and I do really want to.

Thinking about a girl I did not know who decided she couldn't handle the sadness anymore.  I tell myself I'll not follow in her footsteps, but it is always in the back of my mind.

Thinking about a boy in my cohort who says things I understand completely, about how sad he is.  I tell myself I'll talk to him about it, but I probably will not.

Thinking about a girl who has the attention of my former love.  I tell myself that I have no animosity towards her, yet I become very happy when a friend who is in a class of hers tells me how annoying she finds her to be.

Thinking.


Maybe game theory will stop these thoughts.


You've got those tired eyes all the time. 

Really, I shouldn't be allowed to be by myself.  Because all I do is think about stuff which I should not think about and obsess over the way that I do and then I make myself upset and sad and mad and even more tired than I always am because it is really kind of exhausting and everything.

I wish I could just...shut off emotions so that I could get work done.  Since McKenna left I haven't really done much of anything, which of course makes me angry at myself, but whatever.  I even wanted to nap, and couldn't fall asleep, even though I am so tired.  I'm tired all the time, and it's really annoying.

That lonely feeling keeps coming back and it is gross and I want it to go away.  Seriously.  As much as I wish I could have someone here to just rest on and allow me to hug them tight and everything...no one is here for me to do that.  And I'm not even saying it needs to be romantic?  But the friend I would want to do that with is in the midwest, so I can't like...call her here and be like "YO, CUDDLE AND WATCH HELL'S KITCHEN WITH ME."  And the friends I have here are all busy and everything so I can't really ask them to come over just because I have lame feels.  As tempted as I am to do just that, they will just say they're busy, and me then telling them I'm feeling sad will make me feel guilty and imposing on them when they're trying to do work and everything.  Besides, their guests might still be around.  I don't know.  

Besides, I really should try to get more stuff done myself, honestly, otherwise I'd ask to skype with a friend.  The review I wanted completed by tonight probably won't be started, but I guess I can at least...get some ideas down and everything.  Maybe I'll go to a professor tomorrow and ask him to help me with it, just to make sure I'm on the right track and everything.

These feels really might be mostly because I'm tired.  I am.  I always am.


I've been looking at leather jackets again and fuck I really want one.

Maybe if I eat and have caffeine these bad feelings will go away?  All I ate today was lunch and although I ate a good chunk of it, I probably should have...something else?  I'm supposed to be eating at least twice a day...

God, eating is such a chore most of the time.  I really just don't want to.

Probably why most of my money goes to eating out: I eat best when I'm with others.

Physical reactions don't matter lala I don't care I don't care I don't!  Fuck you and your friends!  So what if I get clammy and gross feeling and hot with anger who cares because I don't at all!  Nope.  Not at all.

It's my life and I'll live it without you!

I'll murder you in mind and heart for all you've put me though.

Anger is an emotion I can't seem to get rid of.

Recently I asked people that if they had to pick one of the seven deadly sins that describes them best, what would they pick.

They seemed surprised when I chose wrath.  I don't know why that was surprising to them, really.

I'm still okay, aha, I really am.

Just that influx of anger and hurt that happens when I see stuff doesn't seem to ever leave.  And not even like...anything important.  Just the small things; they probably are the worst.

But I don't care.  I don't I don't!

There's no missing-him-ness here either.

I just want to punch him in the face.  And the throat.  And the everywhere.

Guy

I kind of miss guy.  He's in Europe right now, going to Finland, Russia, and some other places.  I told him to head to Lithuania too, a while ago.  Most likely he won't but...I don't know.  It'd be cool if he did.

Though I shouldn't miss him, really.  It isn't that he is a bad person, because he's not at all!  It is just...I know that I liked him more than vice-versa, and I know that he wouldn't blink if I didn't text him anymore.  And I want to stop with that, really.  Just because, well...it is sort of painful.  I mean, I'm okay with it, I guess.  I didn't want anything serious from him anyway, nor do I want to.  Just...I'd like to have a friend who is more...around.  And who texts me.  And since I like him more than that, when he doesn't it hurts even more.

Maybe he and I are too different anyway.  I mean, I'm friends with people who are very different from me, but romantic-partner material?  I don't know.

Like I said, I just want someone to like...hang out with all day and watch movies and lay in bed and bake cookies with and be an idiot with.  It'd be nice.


I'm still in a good mood, aha, I was just thinking.  And procrastinating because fuck I don't want to work at all it is really bad.


I joked while I was at the arcade.  I said that I need to stop checking out guys in bars, because my people are at the arcade, and that I should cruise there.  Aha, I doubt that would go well.

Besides the fact that...cruising guys?  Me?  Yeah that shit doesn't happen.

Visit

So McKenna just left, and I had a very good time with her despite that I couldn't entertain her as much as I wanted to, due to the work I needed to get done.  But she said she had a super good time and that I'm not lame (in response to me saying "sorry for being lame") and that she would like to come again before the end of the semester, if that is possible.

Since it is restaurant week this week, we went to two local places: yesterday for lunch we hit up Lost Dog, which she had been to before and really liked, and then today we went to Zona and Co. Grill, which is a place we've been constantly saying we wanted to try but haven't.  It was awesome.  The server we had was so much fun and the food was great (I got a southwest-style chicken sandwich with jalapenos and salsa and some other stuff and it was so good but so massive; I couldn't finish it all).   And then, the owner/manager asked us how we thought everything was and - maybe it was because we raved about it - he gave us each $5 off our next visit!  Since McKenna doesn't live down here, she then gave me hers.  I'll definitely be going back.  It was awesome.

I took McKenna to the arcade today and it was so much fun.  Despite not going for a while I still think I'm getting slightly better at Marvel vs. Capcom, even though I still don't know all the controls aha.  Most of my time and money was spent playing Sinistar though.  I got super sucked in.  Though most of my playing was accompanied with exclamations such as "god what a dick!" and "Sinistar where the fuck did you come from!  He just comes from out of nowhere what the hell!" and "stop no get away from me!" and "fuck yeah I'm a coward GO AWAY" and stuff like that.  It was apparently entertaining.

Yesterday we went and saw Oz: The Great and Powerful, and since we both really really enjoyed it, we're thinking about possibly going as people from that for Otakon.  She wants to maybe be the China Girl, and I would like to go as Evanora, since I really enjoyed her and I really liked her costume.  I think it'd be awesome to do that!

We also spent a lot of time watching Supernatural episodes, which was good because it also allowed me to read.  So I'm done with the book for American, meaning I can spend the rest of today trying to do the review for my Methods class.  I do need to email my professor about what article I am doing, since I had to switch it.  But it deals with party polarization and gridlock in the legislature, so I'm really into it.  I'm just worried about the critiques, since I still don't feel skilled enough to criticize the methods in the paper, which is a part of what we're supposed to do.  I'll try, and see what I can do.

I think I'll ask my game theory professor tomorrow (or today by email) if I can take the midterm Thursday morning instead of Friday, so that I can be free for when my prospective gets here Thursday.  I'm slightly worried; I emailed her a few days ago, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet.  Maybe she's just busy.

In a good mood right now!

Facebook

I really should block his facebook, shouldn't I?  I really should, it would be best.

But knowing me, it would last like...a day before I changed my mind.

What's funny is that I don't feel any missing or longing for him, and I haven't.  I think me learning things is going to really help that go away completely.  Why I went to his page, I really don't know.

But I still...really despise the idea of him with someone else.  Like it makes me sick to my stomach.  I don't know if it is still a jealousy thing, which makes no sense because I loathe him.  Though I guess still the time frame bothers me, but I've already established that he's a liar and a coward and he's so fucking stupid that he's blind to his own betrayal of me.  Seriously, he's kind of really moronic.  Someone so intelligent, and he is just probably one of the dumbest motherfuckers I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

But I digress.

It might also be just that I still get angry that he has someone else?  Like, that shit isn't fair.  He doesn't deserve anyone else.  He deserves to be alone, and to feel such loneliness that I have felt, and probably others have felt as a result of his actions.  Then maybe he would actually change?  But I doubt it.  People like him don't change.  They continue to harp on how they're good people and don't want to hurt people, but continue to act in the same way and continue to hurt and wonder why that happened.

Again, moronic.

The fact that I recognize that he is a grade-A douchebag and is probably one of the worst fucking people I've ever met and see that I deserve someone better than him helps my not missing him, but obviously doesn't help my anger.  Seriously.  It just keeps bubbling up.  One would think that my not talking to him would cause it to weaken, but us not speaking has had the opposite effect.  A very small part of me wonders if it would be better for me to scream at him and to let it all out and tell him to his face just how much I hate him and what he has done to me, but then I remember that in order to do that I'd have to see him.  And fff, I already said I never wanted to see his face again.  And I don't.  But at the same time, I wish I could let him know in person, because my anger and hurt and hatred could be conveyed far better with my voice than I ever could in a letter or whatnot.

But this is just me thinking.

Even if I did do that, he'd probably run into the arms of the new chick, who would probably just say how I ~don't understand~ or something like that.  I don't know; I've never met her, but I'm assuming she would take his side, tell him that he's not awful, that I'm actually the bad guy, etc., etc.  Which isn't her fault, but she also hasn't been hurt by him. (Yet.)

But man, the satisfaction I would receive for being able to tell him all of this in person.

It would be fantastic.

And yet, might not actually relieve my anger.

Today has been a very good Friday, which are so very rare!

Game theory didn't go too much over today; it went until around 1:30, and since we didn't go over the homework, it was much easier to absorb the new material.  Our professor decided that she is going to have a separate voluntary section to go over the problem sets, which I think is better in the end, so we don't go for six hours again, because that was just brutal.

Speaking of game theory, both my dudes told me that I am the prof's favourite and that she is "obsessed with me."  I don't really...get that vibe; I mean, I can tell she likes me, probably because I understand things a little easier than others (and I attribute that entirely to my math background), but I don't know if I'd say I'm her favourite, aha.  But still, it is nice to think that she likes me!  After this week, I will say she has grown on me a little more.  (Plus she did get our Methods prof to cancel his homework which is so fucking awesome because now I don't feel like I'm going to be drowning in stuff.)

One of the second years brought his 3 and a half month old puppy in, and my god...I did not pay attention to the presentation at all.  He is so cute and I can't.

Right after workshops, went to the shelter, dropped off everything and handed in my application!  They said it will probably be a few weeks because everything takes long, but either way, I'm really excited!  I might buy more stuff after my next paycheck and go give more things.  I just really want to help out and go there a lot and I feel like if I go there and bring at least one thing every time, that would be good!

Then it was to the bar, where I chatted with professors for a long time.  They're so fun and funny and I'm really glad we have an amazingly friendly department.  It is actually apparently something that really distinguishes us - our faculty is known for being really cooperative and friendly with each other rather than super competitive and stuff.  They were telling jokes and giving us advice (such as: 'after you get your degree, and you book flights, don't ever put yourself down as 'Dr.'  Because someone will have a stroke on the plane and look for a doctor and you'll have to explain things or fake it when they identify you'), and it was just a really awesome time.  I hope more chances to hang out with them happen as the weather warms up.

Brendan's girlfriend was with us and she actually was a lot nicer to me than she has been in the past, which I appreciated.  But I still was kind of...uncomfortable around her?  I don't know if it was because the last time gave me such a bad taste in my mouth that it isn't completely gone, or if it is just that...we're so different.  Like at one point when we were at dinner, she asked me what I do over summer, and I said, "...stay inside and play video games," and though I said it jokingly...it's kind of what I do aha.  I don't like the heat so I'm all about the a/c!  She then said, "Oh, you don't go to the beach?"  And I shook my head and said that I didn't like the beach all that much (with the exception of when I'm in the Caribbean of course aha), despite growing up with a bunch so close to me.  I was also asked if I liked dancing, and while I do, I know she meant it in a 'going to clubs' sort of thing, which I'm not as into.  I need to be in the mood for it?  I dunno; it seemed like a bad first date: asking questions and learning that the person across from you is into everything opposite you are.  But I mean, she didn't alienate me as much, so there's that!

One of the members of my cohort has been saying how much he is miserable and makes statements about how he wants to hurt himself, and sometimes people take it as joking, but he then says he's not joking, so part of me wants to talk to him?  Just tell him that I understand how that feels and if he wants to chat or anything that he can.  I tried to say it off-hand today when we were at the bar; I would've been more direct, but everyone else was around.  Really, I was just saying that like, I understand what he is saying and everything, and trying to tell him that spring break will be amazing and all.

McKenna is coming tomorrow and my room is a mess and I totes didn't do laundry.  Oops.

Doggie fever

You know how some women get baby fever?  Like, if they don't have a kid and really sort of want one they go around looking at all the baby stuff and everything?  That is kind of what I am doing with dogs and the idea of volunteering at this shelter is like...really really exciting.  I went to Target and spent I think around $35-$40 getting stuff for the shelter, and I still feel like I should have gotten more.  Picked up some canned food, some balls, a huge bag of beggin' strips and another huge bag of another type of treat, and a blanket.  Plus I have a full bag of bottles and cans I'm going to give them for depositing and all!  It isn't much, but they said they take anything.

And I was running around the isles in the store trying to figure out what would be the best to buy for them and everything.  Like, what would be the best for the puppers?  What would they like the best?  And then I was getting all giddy and excited about the prospect of working more with doggies and hopefully very very soon being able to have my own and I just can't wait.

Though I did ask silly questions to Brendan and Carl, such as "if you were a puppers, would you rather have lamb and rice or beef and rice?"  Lamb ended up being purchased.  Maybe I'll ask if there are specific brands/flavours they think is best, so I can go for those next time!


Spent all night doing game theory.  It was kind of gross, aha.  But I'm in a good mood, so there's that!  Plus, we told very nerdy jokes, a lot dealing with regression.


Friend let me rant about ex and I was pleased when he said "God, if I ever see him, I'm going to punch him so hard for you."  That made me happy.  :)


Also it was revealed that Carl has never seen the original Star Wars trilogy.  I am so fucking excited to show it to him for the first time, my god.

Speaking of Star Wars, this happened after Carl asked Brendan to toss him a bag of candy and I did it instead:

Carl: [to Brendan] You still owe me now!
Brendan: No, that was me; I was using jedi powers to make her do it.
Me: So you're saying I have a weak mind?  Don't think I didn't catch that insult!
Brendan: This is why you're awesome.

Homework

Finding the mixed strategy nash equilibrium for these games is really kind of annoying, because I keep thinking that I have the right stuff, but I must be interpreting something incorrectly.  Because I got the probabilities switched for this one problem for each of the players when I did the long version and then the shortcut, so I am super confused.  I don't know if my professor is around for me to ask.  This was the stuff we were trying to go over at the tail end of the lecture on Friday, aka - when I was completely zoned out.  My notes don't really help since...well frankly they're not that good.

Feeling very focused today overall, although game theory homework (for the above reasons) is kicking my ass so far.  It's good though, because I need to be really productive today and tomorrow, since I wasn't yesterday (workwise; I still feel like I made progress yesterday in a different nature, so yay!), and I won't really be able to Saturday after noon since I have McKenna coming over.  (I asked her to come on Saturday instead of Friday because I just have so much work to do.)

R workshop now, which is needed but damn I kind of wish there wasn't one today since I really just want to work on game theory.

Though, I was supposed to meet with the nutritionist today, and she wasn't in her office, so I shot her an email.  Hopefully we will be able to reschedule for next week or something!

Asked an undergrad friend via facebook about MIT experiences and stuff.  He hasn't gotten back to me yet, but I am hoping he will soon!

I want more music and stuff.  Also, totally going to buy my World/Inferno ticket later today.

I deserve someone better than him.

I deserve someone better than him.

I fucking deserve someone better than him.

Me telling myself this is not only satisfying to the "I have to hate on this asshole who is nothing but a big mistake I once made" but is also some sort of epiphany...

I deserve someone who will truly love me.  Who will truly see me as important, and who would not lie to me and hurt me under the guise of trying to "protect me."  Who would fight to keep me in his life.  Who, when he tells me that I'm his favourite, actually means it.

I deserve someone better.

I don't deserve to suffer, like I thought earlier today and I tend to think a lot.

I deserve to be happy.  Because dammit, I work hard and I'm passionate and I try to be a good person and try to acknowledge my mistakes when they happen...

I try.  I try to be better every single day.

I'm not terrible.  I'm not!

And therefore, I deserve someone who isn't terrible to me.

And you know what?  I might be sad and lonely a lot but...

I'm willing to wait for that.


I may not have gotten a lot of schoolwork done tonight, but I feel like in that one conversation, a lot of progress was achieved.  Thank you for helping me with that.  :)

And I might have times I slip out of this mind frame and return to self-loathing, but...this is one of the first times I've said this and have truly truly meant it.

Skype

Talking with awesome person on skype who helped calm me down and I'm feeling much better now than I was before.  I look forward to more skypings in the future because this one was much fun and everything!

Also learning more things that will help me.

Despite the anger that follows, I'm actually feeling very good right now.  


"We both got bored."  Ha, asshole, glad I was boring to you!  You know, that it was that and it wasn't that you were sad about making me sad all the time and that you loved me so much that you just couldn't bear to see me hurting anymore and you needed to be alone and everything like that.  Nope.  I was boring.  I'm so glad it was a shallow as fuck reason, because I did find myself thinking that you were deeper than that.  Ha, I will not make that mistake again!

Man, you just did not deserve me at all.  Honestly, you don't deserve to be with anyone, because you treat them like garbage.  I really hate that you were my first love.  Because you, in no fucking universe, deserve that title.  You don't deserve to be the one I first opened up to, and you don't deserve anything I gave you, emotional, physical, and material-wise.  You don't deserve any of the letters I gave you, because they describe a person who just is not you.

Also stop thinking that the way we broke up was mutual or okay or anything like that.  It wasn't.  You're deluding yourself when you think that.  I am the other party in this, and it wasn't.  You were an asshole.  You lied to me.  You lied to the people who asked about us.  Things you told me were not the same as things you told other people.  You weren't "depressed" when you broke up with me.  You just wanted to go screw around with others, because I just wasn't a fun project anymore, I suppose.  And that's why you were screwing around with people within the first month after us breaking up.  Honestly, I am back to thinking that you met the person you're with now before we broke up, since you seemed to hop on that bandwagon super fucking fast.  It was like "oh, well this chick is around and shit, gotta get rid of Allie because aha fuck her she's so boring now!"  Or at least that is what it feels like.  

You thinking that you were completely innocent and that our breakup was in any way "okay" is one of the many fucking reasons I hate your guts.  At least fucking man up and admit that it was ugly and that you did some fucking awful shit.  For once in your life, tell the fucking truth.  And this time, tell it to yourself.  Because you really really need a serious fucking reality check.

And yes, I am speaking directly to you.

If I ever see you again (and I hope I never have to), it may be really difficult for me not to kick you in the throat.

So make sure I never see your fucking face again.

Paranormal Distribution

Our professor put this little thing in our slides today, which I liked.  Paranormal distribution is super cute.

Though ha, that lighthearted thing is going to contrast with the things I plan on talking about in this.

My medication still wasn't in, so I need to call back tomorrow.  It sucks, because I feel like I really need it today.  Right now, especially.  I'm just feeling down and everything and I kind of want to hide in my bed and do nothing but I have so much work that...well doing that isn't a luxury I can afford at the moment.

I am so filled with anger that it really is just starting to hurt.  Or rather, it has hurt for a while, but it is starting to become even more so.  Anger at my ex, at my roommate, at members of my cohort, at the professor I'm TAing for, at myself...  There's just so much of it, and I would rather be fucking emotionless than deal with all of it right now.

Once again, I ended up not eating until late.  It was around 4:30 when we finally left to get food, and now I feel absolutely sick, making me think I should've just not eaten at all.  I felt better before.  Though, I'm starting to think more and more about the not eating thing.

I know I've been going a lot to people to fix it, and I am trying a lot of times.  But...there are times where I don't try.  I make excuses for it, but deep down, as much as I don't want to acknowledge it, I don't try sometimes.  A lot of times.  And I'm starting to think about the reasons why I don't.  The psychological reasons that are hidden but still very much there.

When I look at myself, I don't see a person who deserves to be happy.  I'm trying to see myself as that, but deep down I still do not.  I see a pathetic individual who isn't good enough at anything she tries.  Who is never really going to get better.  Who is a fucking loser who can't even get over someone she knows is a fucking awful person.  Who thinks that maybe I deserve everything bad that has happened to me, really.  Who deserves to have someone she loved more than she could have imagined lie to her and replace her and forget about her and move on from her so fucking quickly even after telling her so many wonderful things.

(Ha, sometimes I wonder if he was actually perfect for me, simply because he was horrible to me.  Even though I hate him and he is a big reason for much of the anger I still hold.)

Deep down, I still sometimes see myself as a person who deserves to suffer.

I wish I didn't.  I don't want to see myself like that.  But training my mind out of that is so difficult and I find that even though I try, I sometimes really cannot see myself as anything other than what I have always seen myself as.  Even after repeating the compliments from my friends and family and everything...I don't see it.  I don't.  I wish I did.  Because then maybe I wouldn't be so sad, and I wouldn't think I deserved suffering.

And I wonder if that is why I don't eat a lot of times.  Yes, much of the time it is because I am not hungry.  It started because my nerves messed with my stomach so much that I physically could not eat without feeling ill.

But I wonder if when I choose not to eat, or avoid situations where I would be forced to eat, it is because a part of me actually wants to not.  That I see myself shrinking in size and, although half of me is frightened by that, the other half likes it.  That I'm just...shrinking away.  It is a way to make me suffer without actually hurting myself, which I fear doing.

Though as I write all this, I am still frightened.  I was thinking about it earlier and it scared me.  It scares me.  I don't like it.  I guess that fear is why I keep trying to get help, honestly.

I really wish I could go to Nancy right now.  I just want to talk about this stuff.  


I have a ton of work, and no desire to do any of it right now.  Maybe I'll wait a half hour or something.

Coding

Although coding is a huge annoyance, it does feel really good when I finally get something.

I spent forever trying to figure out exactly out to do the out of sample data in R, and I got it after many attempts and much searching on the internet and I am so pleased with myself.  Even though R is still fucking lame.

We continue to underestimate the amount of time it takes to complete these assignments.  But I'd be much more tired if I a) didn't take a two-hour nap before, and b) didn't consume two cans of caffeinated soda not too long ago.  I am intellectually tired, but sleepy-wise, not as much at the moment.  Which is so rare and it being right now is very inconvenient.  Though I might be wrong and I might just be able to plop down on my pillow and sleep.

A lot of people ask me for my codes and I kind of...am starting to get more protective over them?  Like I don't want to just give them to people.  I wouldn't mind helping people and explaining my process to them and helping them find the same code as me and all, but just handing over my code is starting to become more and more uncomfortable.  Brendan and I have done that before, and we did remark that we're starting to think that just letting people take our code is hindering them from actually learning STATA and R.  I don't mind sharing so much with people who help me and I help them in return, because we go over what the codes mean and we try to make them our own and we actually give each other credit in our files that we turn in to show that we had help from another person.  But...I don't know.  Maybe that is me being too competitive, or something, but Brendan is feeling the same way about that, so at least I'm not alone in feeling uncomfortable.

I realize it is only like that with the codes, though, aha.  I just shared some of my tables to show someone the aesthetics of them, and that I don't mind at all.  I think it is just because I work super hard on the codes, whereas the tables and stuff are much easier.

Tomorrow I'm going to hand in my application for doggie shelter volunteering, but not until after I run to Petsmart and buy some stuff for them!  Yes, I am going to try and like...bribe my way in, aha.  And I'm going to give them the cans and bottles I have, since they said they take those also.  Then we want to go to the movies, since it's been forever since we've been able to go.  But this will be after the extra game theory session we're having tomorrow to go over the rest of the homework.

I'm hoping to catch the first year advisor tomorrow at some point, because I really do want to talk to her.

Also I still want to ask how someone is, but wahh I'm annoying so I probably won't aha.  Because I'm lame.

Here's to hoping for a better night's sleep tonight!  No dreams of stupid ex.  Please, brain, I am fucking begging you.  

Art and sessions

I really really want this Supernatural artwork.  Seriously.  It is by the same person from whom I bought this Castiel print.  She has a ton of other stuff in her society6 gallery to buy, a lot of it being Loki and Sherlock, but this particular print is limited edition, or something, so it is on another website for charity and is only being  sold for $80, which is...kind of really far out of my price range for prints.  I am disgustingly tempted though, because nnnngh wings.  I fucking love wings when they're done well, and wings on Castiel are probably the best thing ever.

My prescription either wasn't called in, or something happened again, since the pharmacy said they didn't have it.  I'm...really hoping they'll have it by tomorrow, since I really don't need to go a few days without it?  I'll give it until tomorrow; if not, I'll call my doctor back.  This is weird, that it has happened twice now...

Session was good.  Got to talk about my stress with the professor I'm TAing for, and the dream, and some other friend stuff.  I was told that my thought process isn't weird or abnormal; I'm just at a limit and I don't like being berated without a chance to defend myself.  That professor has made my morale sink so low; basically I really don't care about that class.  I don't care about what she wants us to do.  I do care about my students, and helping them, but she makes it hard, sometimes.  I was advised to go talk to the first-year advisor, because it might give me that chance to defend myself, because more than anything, I hate the implication that I am a slacker and that I don't try.  Seriously.  My determination to work is one of the few positive qualities I believe I have, and when someone threatens that (seriously, anyway; I have plenty of times where I am lazy and I say that I'm being so but when it comes down to it, fuck you I work really hard), I kind of really get angry.

Also talked about the dream, and my concerns about it.  That it freaks me out because of possible latent feelings I still have, and the implication that I want anything other than the no-contact relationship we have now.  Like...how can I miss the past while still hating him?  It's weird, and it freaks me out, despite things she told me.  It's going to be difficult for me to see it the way she advised.

It is annoying also just because I don't get good sleep when I dream about stuff like that.  And since I'm so tired, the last thing I need is to have bad nights' sleep.  She said I should try to write right before bed or something, to maybe clear my head and have a calm mind.  That might be able to stop them.

Other things were brought up within the category of friends and houses and doggies.  It was a good session.

It was remarked, after I said I only had one meal yesterday and Friday and didn't really get lunch today, that me planning ahead is the best for my eating, since the spontaneous thing doesn't really work out so well.

Speaking of, I didn't dig the cashew butter, but that might also be because I'd rather have it on toasted bread?  I don't know.  Non-crunchy bread doesn't always do it for me.

I should have something now...maybe just something small, since I do want to make sure I have dinner later. Though people are coming over to work on Methods homework also.  Hmm...

Oh, and I'm concerned about the feels of someone, but don't know how to ask how they are, because I'm afraid of creeping.