So it is the last day of 2015 and while I know I'm very pleased to put this terrible year behind me, I also don't feel much relief or happiness going into 2016.

The past few days I've spent staying up until around 4 in the morning and then sleeping until around 1 or 2 and wanting to stay asleep even more but deciding not to because I know I wouldn't hear the end of it from the fam.  And I've been having vivid dreams that have made me feel even more tired, so...that's always fun.

Nothing feels special to me anymore, or at least it hasn't in the past few weeks.  Christmas, New Years...they're just days.  Nothing special really about them.  Not anymore.

I've been invited to two different parties for tonight and I'm not going to either of them because they require traveling and I don't want to do that.  Also because I know in my current state I would just bother everyone and be a big stain on everyone's fun time.  And of course, I don't need the reminder of everyone being happy with their relationships and whatnot while I sit around alone.  While I have become more comfortable again with being single romantically and everything, it is more that people actually have relationships with others that are fulfilling to them.  Whereas I feel hollow in almost every interaction I have with friends, lately.  It's not their fault, of course.  I'm just terrible overall and can't seem to hold a connection to anyone.


Eh, maybe more later.

Well, Christmas has come and gone and despite going to Dee's place and being with family and everything, it just felt like an ordinary day, honestly.  Most days feel the same to me, even the so-called special ones.  Everything kind of blurs together in a sea of gray and bland, for the most part.

(Except playing scatergories.  That was fun, despite how much I suck at that game.)

I did get some cool stuff (xbox one!), which was nice.

But overall I still feel as uninspired as ever.

I really need to get back to sleeping normally.

Also I ran home earlier than I originally planned because I was having depressive episodes in Bing.

...I should write more in this but I've instead been spending my days wasting away.

Despite my asking to be an RA for fucking once rather than a TA because goddamn I am sick of being a fucking TA it is all I've been since starting grad school, I of course get saddled with being a TA again, for the fucking intro to American class and all the hope I had the other day about going back has vanished into thin air.

And then I tried to ask to be the Game Theory TA instead...because that could actually do me some good, but I was told no and I'm just.

Why do other people get whatever they want and first years are fucking given assignments as RAs and I'm stuck TAing again.

I am not going to be the one to talk to the landlord again about a major appliance issue when there are two other adult people in this house.

I finally got her to give us the new stove I don't feel like being the one to talk about a new washing machine or getting it fixed or anything.

Sorry but I really don't want to, and don't look so disappointed when I say that someone else can do it for a change.

Due to some paperwork that needed to be done, I ended up having to go back yesterday to Bing.  It actually hasn't been terrible and everything, which is good.  I know it has only been two days but still.

Last night some shit went down with a friend and I helped him some, but I won't go into details about it for reasons.  And then today I was around the office a little bit and people were really happy (or at least it seemed) to see me and that felt kind of good.  And the secretary today told me I looked good, which I kind of appreciated since I've been feeling awful about my weight gain recently and stuff.  I unfortunately stopped running because I can't commit to anything whatsoever but hopefully I will restart tomorrow.  I am curious about what happens in my Zombies app next and so I would like to go figure that out.


Also recently I had a dream about Supergirl.  And I've been watching Jessica Jones and it is so fucking good, I can't.

I really hate being asked what I want for Christmas/birthdays/holidays in general.

Like...I do have some things in mind but then I tell myself things such as "no that's too big, I can't ask for that," or "no that's dumb I can get that myself when I get money" or the like.

Ultimately I've come to the conclusion that I tell myself these things because I don't think I deserve to get gifts from anyone.  I don't want to ask for things that I don't think I should get from others.

Felt not so great throughout the day.

Emotionally, particularly.

Physically too, but less so, even though I told my parents I really wasn't feeling well.  Most of that was an emotional thing.

So I laid around all day doing nothing.

Yay.

For a while I was excited to see everyone over Thanksgiving.

But in the end I actually think it would have been better if I hadn't seen them.  I don't mean for that to sound heartless, but maybe that's what I've become.  I don't know.

I feel little connection with anyone or anything anymore.  I feel...isolated, even when around friends and family.

Hell...even my mom - although I know she was joking so I bear no ill will towards her...I guess it just kind of opened my eyes as to my own uselessness and disconnect - said that Callie would be alright being here without me.  Like, if I left, she would be fine.  She'd be sad for a day but she'd get over it and be happy with my parents without me.

For the past few days, bad thoughts and everything have crept back up into the corners of my mind.  Like...now knowing that Callie would be fine without me, I sometimes wonder what keeps me tethered, besides my own fears?

It's sad that I should say the love I have for my family, but in reality, they'd probably be better off without me.  I just feel like I'm a burden on them.  My viewpoints clash, I have no idea what I want to do in my life, and I'm so disconnected that I sometimes feel like I'm talking with strangers.  Less so with my parents and younger sister, truthfully.  But still.

It's sad that wanting to see the third Captain America movie overrides most other things in the "list of reasons Allie shouldn't do anything her mind tells her might be a good idea."

I started using the Zombies, Run! app and it is awesome.

I originally intended to just walk the first mission, to see what it was like, but after the radio tower guy was like "THERE ARE ZOMBIES YOU HAVE TO RUN," I just started running.  Not very fast, and the whole mission was a combination of walking and running (with Callie), but the fact that it got me to actually run and everything for the first time in a while is kind of a big deal.

I might invest in the premium version because it was really sweet.

Like at the end I was walking and they were like "one of the zombies - the previous runner 5 - is chasing you really fast, you need to not get caught!" and I started running again despite how I was feeling and stuff.

I already want to go on another run to get more supplies for my base.

While talking with best friend today (whom I was super pleased to see and hang with and I'm so excite she's back in town for a week) about things that we might want to do with our lives, I again brought up fiction writing, only I decided to put it in some sort of...perspective, if that makes any sense for what I'm about to say.

I asked her if, after she say, reads a book or watches a show or movie, if she leaves then thinking about what could have been done or what could be done in that story.  For example, creating characters of the top of your head and generating small/large (depending on the depth of the character) backstories for them and what role they would place in the story.  More specific example - after watching the How to Get Away with Murder winter finale recently, I thought up this prosecutor as the next rival, and developed this whole persona for her and who she would get along with and why and all these other things.  I also think of places I would like the story to go in terms of the characters already established and try to come up with scenarios I think would be really interesting and unique to the story.

It was something that I thought everyone did; come up with their own world and characters and whatnot.  I've gotten lost in my own head thinking about these sorts of things after watching anything I find remotely engaging.

But she looked at me and just said that she has never done something like that before.

I might ask other people if it is something they tend to do.

Looking at pics of myself from 2 years ago and it just makes me feel gross with how I see myself now.

./rolls around in low self-esteem and terrible body image issues.

Wheee.

(I try to remind myself that I got my thinnest at a bad time for me mentally but I'm still like.  Idk.  And lately I've felt like working out doesn't do anything even though it probably would if I stuck to it more regularly but.  Yeah.)

Wanna know what I did today?

Absolutely nothing.

I laid around in bed and did nothing.

I feel like a sack of shit.

And it isn't even like I wanted to do nothing.  I just felt like...uninterested in everything I thought about doing.

(Good news is that yesterday I finally wrote the chapter for my fic that I've been having trouble with for around a month now; now I only have one more chapter to do and then that will be done!)

So I almost got in a fight at the dog park today!

Callie and this other dog got into a dispute; I don't know how it started but I think it was over a ball or something.  She ended up basically winning that dispute.  She wasn't trying to hurt this other dog, but it was a dominance assertion thing, which can look and sound messier than it actually is.  Yes, I would prefer she didn't do something like that but they're dogs, and disputes occur.

So they got separated, and the other dog's owner ran over to Callie and hit her in the face while calling her a bitch and I flipped out.  I yelled at him and told him not to ever hit her and he was like "you have an aggressive dog, read the rules!"  To which I replied that he needed to learn dog language because disputes occur and shit and he kept just repeating "screw you" to me.  Of course I said again that he better not dare hit her again (while I did not threaten physical violence on my part, my tone certainly did), and when he responded again with "screw you" I yelled back "fuck you" in a very loud voice.

He was an older man, bigger than me, but I would not have held anything back if he tried to strike Callie again.

Ugh.

Why do I even engage with other human beings.  They're awful.

The past few days have been hectic but filled with good music so I suppose it is alright.

Distant Worlds was amazing, though I sadly missed pretty much the first half because of course work actually kept me until five.  Yep.  I called that that was going to happen.  The only day I've had to stay until five for what...two, three weeks?  But most of what I really wanted to hear was in the second half so that was good at least.  And what I did catch was beyond unbelievable and hfdskjf I want to go to another one because it was just so enjoyable.

And Hallowmas was epic.  Not as good as the first one I went to two years ago, but that was then they were releasing This Packed Funeral and so the whole thing was themed like a funeral and it was amazing.  That sort of theme wasn't around this year but there were still blow up pumpkins and fake blood and a whole fuckton of confetti and glitter.  A ton got all over me and I spent a good amount of time trying to fish it out of my cleavage because it was actually hurting me a little.  Like...scratching.  It was annoying.

(There were some guys walking around with signs for some reason and they pulled out one that said "Be nice to your ex" and I yelled "NO, THAT ADVICE SUCKS" at them (or something to that effect anyway), thinking they wouldn't be able to hear me over everything but they definitely both turned in my direction.  Oops.)

Saw an undergrad friend there with his buddy, who was really fun and stuff!

And then today was a ton of traveling and headaches.  But, Callie is now back home with me!  I missed her.


Recently I had a convo which involved the other person saying that around her senior year of high school was when she learned to start really loving herself for all that she was and has been, even though she had never really disliked herself...and I kind of was stunned because I still, to this day, don't know what that feels like.

I don't know why but new roommate just saying "I don't want to sound like an old person but can you not get the pups riled up at this hour; I need to get up in four hours" to me because I was playing with Murray kind of annoyed me?  Like I didn't respond for a second because it rubbed me the wrong way despite it being perfectly reasonable and everything and I just kind of was like "...okay."

Maybe it is because I've been slightly annoyed in general at her because right now the kitchen is a disaster and it is I wanna say 90% her mess and I'm like why won't you just fucking clean it.  Like, she keeps dishes in the sink for fucking days/weeks and they just pile up and I'm sick of having to work around them and I'm like why doesn't this bother you.  And I refuse to do them myself because I'm over doing other people's shit for them.

And I shouldn't have to say anything to you for you to do them.

But I have a feeling I'm going to have to.

Like, I love her, I do, but she's been aggravating me lately?  Between this and my sometimes feeling like she doesn't give a shit about things I'm saying just makes me feel weird and sad and annoyed.

And it doesn't help that I don't have Callie with me to help ease tension this week, since I let her chill with my parents so I could get shit done.  (Even though I didn't write today like I wanted to.  Blergh.)

I kind of want to go on a road trip, but I don't have the money to do so.  I told myself that if by the end of my lease I still have enough miles to do one, then I would, but that will require I save money and all that fun stuff.

Today I started to talk a little bit about my desire to leave Binghamton to my new roommate, and how being here has made me sad.  I just kind of said that I think I've been here too long and I think I just want to go somewhere else.  But I didn't go into it much more because I'm sure she doesn't want to listen to my bullshit angst about being here and everything.

I am going to LI tomorrow, so that is good at least.

I just...I know I'm not happy here.  I've known this for years.  But I can't get out of here just yet, which sucks.

I see pictures of people from the department all going out and having a good time and I feel nothing.  Like, theoretically, I would like to hang out with them, but at the same time I am so bitter about things and avoid people so much that I don't want to hang out with them.  I want to be by myself, supposedly.  But then college roommate comes up and I realize what I'm missing.  And I haven't even spoken to best friend in a while because I fucking suck at communication and she is busy with her job and whatnot. 

The department friend I do hang out with I don't see enough, and I should change that...

I haven't even been going to the gym because I'm a lazy slob and shit.

Ugh.

Self-hate is just second nature, and without Nancy to talk to, it's been kind of hard to fight against it.

I don't know if it is because I overslept thanks to taking a nap last night and then still going to bed around midnight or what but I ended up having to call out this morning for work because I felt like I was going to simultaneously throw up and faint and I couldn't even take Callie for a walk let alone do much else.  It sucked that I had to call out, since I need the money, but I was going nowhere this morning without something bad happening.  Again, not sure entirely why but that's just what happened.  I'll go in tomorrow, hopefully.  I am feeling better right now, which is good at least.  Well...better relatively.  I still feel like shit, but I might be able to make it to agility with Callie at 6.

Still not feeling very...happy though.  Like all I want is to go home and hang out with my family.

I've slunk back into a "I don't give a shit about anything and have no emotions" type state.

Everything apart from laying in my bed and watching television just seems like a chore; it takes so much effort for me to try and do simple things again.  I've stopped going to mma (which I really need to get back to but my energy levels have been so fucking low) and I've been unable to get the inspiration to write (despite being so fucking close to being done with my fic), and even like...showering has gotten less frequent.

Maybe it is because I messed with my medication.  Probably.

Maybe it is also because I have no one to talk to this semester.

I just...this semester was supposed to be a good break to get me back into a good state of mind and I feel like it hasn't helped as much as I wanted it to: I'm worried about weight and money and other shit.
I don't want to talk to people about this stuff, and I feel like some probably wouldn't want to hear about it anyway.

Like, I should be happy.

But I'm not.  I hate where I live and I hate that I feel like I'm stagnant and I just want to run.

The bad thing also is that I want to do things in theory but my lack of funds have prevented me from doing much, as well as my own lack of energy.

I want to go home.  I was happier when I was home.

College roommate just left, sadly, after a short weekend of hanging out and watching Too Cute and doing fun stuff.  I wish she could have stayed longer, but alas, real world shit keeps us apart.

Having her here reminded me exactly how much I miss her?  Like, living with her.  I love both my roommates now but she and I were so good together and I miss just being able to hang out with her all the time and everything.

Plus I got to see a juxtaposition between my new roommate (who I do adore and have known for a while) and her in how they converse with me: I feel like college roommate is a better...listener?  Yeah, I guess that is how I would put it.  Like sometimes I wanna tell new roommate stuff and I get excited over them and yeah, she might not care as much about them but I just wanna talk about them.  But I get the feeling that she just doesn't give a shit and sometimes she won't reply or anything and/or will switch the conversation onto something completely different and I get very "...okay..." about the whole thing.  Like I don't feel like I can talk to her about anything and everything.

But college roommate is the opposite in that she's always listening and always seems interested in things I'm talking about, and it makes me...idk happier to talk to her?  And we just communicate better and stuff.

I don't know.  I've been thinking about this for a while.

I really need to get back into the habit of writing in this thing more often.

It does help, but I just lately feel uninspired to do much of anything?  I have two chapters (hopefully) left in my fanfic and all I want to do is write them and finish the damn thing but I'm having such a hard time doing anything that isn't sitting on my ass and going through tumblr for way longer than necessary.

And I've returned back into the mindframe of not wanting to eat a lot because I hate the weight I've put on and everything and I just want it to go away and that's the fastest way to make that happen.  Even though I know I shouldn't do that, deep down.  I'm constantly having battles in my head about food and whether or not I should eat this or that and then feeling guilty about things and I hate it.

Luckily, college roommate is visiting this weekend, so I can ignore all that for a few days while I'm hanging out with her.

And job has been alright; everyone is super nice to me and everything and my boss apparently loves me (she was very complimentary to me yesterday which had me all fdhskjfh and stuff because I can't take compliments because lawl I dislike myself so much).

I should have followed up with Nancy about a therapist for this semester but like...I was afraid of even the copayments (yay money issues!) and afraid of going to someone new for such a short period of time and so I just never did that, probably stupidly.

I had an ex related dream.

He came to my house despite my protests. He was with his gf and did something which set me off so I pushed him down the stairs.

There was more to it but....sleepy.

Ugh facebook why did you show me a picture of the fucking ex in that stupid timeline thing?

LIKE STOP I LOCKED ALL THOSE ALBUMS FOR A REASON.

I don't look back at pictures for a variety of reasons, so I really didn't appreciate a picture of him presented to me as if it is some fond memory I look back on.

I never get stuff like that popping up and it just happened to be today and happened to be him and ugh.

Thank god my work assignment is only temporary.  Everyone is really nice, yes, but holy fuck is it boring.  I guess I should have expected that when I applied for data entry but still.

Heading to NYCC in two weeks now?  That'll be exciting.


I've stopped taking the abilify for a few days now.  I feel like the added stress of the weight gain was offsetting any good effects I was receiving from it.  Maybe not the best idea, especially since I'm not in a position where I can talk to a doctor or Nancy or anything, but I've been freaking out so much over it that I feel just awful and everything, and no matter what I do to try and minimize it, it doesn't seem to work.

We'll see what happens.

Ex related dream for some reason.

Friend of mine was staying at my parents' house and invited him over. I found out and proceeded to almost choke the life out of the ex. But stopped at the last minute. Told parents who said they knew and then I was mad and went on a drinking binge alone.

Maybe will type more later. Super sleepy right now.

Wrote this at like...7 but blogger didn't post it. Why.

At work.

Despite my having money issues, there are four events coming up that I'm thinking about going to.

First, NYCC - My sister is in line for tickets and she wants me to go.  And I'd like to go and I'll be working so I think that's locked up.

Then, the 29th-31st there are three concerts: the first is actually the Distant Worlds concert in Rochester (orchestral pieces of final fantasy music) and I've wanted to see this ever since I heard of it a long time ago.  And it is in a place not too far away from me now.  Then I was thinking about the Streetlight concert in Jersey on the 30th, and then Hallowmas on the 31st.

I shouldn't be doing these things I should be saving money.

But.  I'm tired of doing nothing.

Why does it cost money to do fun stuff.

Nothing fits me anymore and this is so incredibly frustrating.

Like.  I know why; my thighs and ass are bigger from mma and everything and even though I'm constantly worrying about how I look, my parents and sister said I look fine and that it is muscle rather than fat and stuff and so I should be happy but.

Nothing fits me, basically.  Like, except my shorts and workout clothes, which I can't wear to work on Monday.

And I don't have a lot of money to go spend on a new wardrobe.  I might have to, though.

I have so many size 2s and 0s and I have no idea what to even do with those now.

I can't believe how much bigger I've gotten and I kind of hate it and yet enjoy the strength that comes with it.  But I have nothing, basically, to wear for this week coming up, since I can't wear my workout pants (despite them looking nice).


I keep telling myself I'll go to the gym on the days I don't have class and I still haven't done that because I'm a lazy sack of shit.

You know, I never was one for going out and doing things, but...I did things sometimes.

I hung out with people at times.  And I had work ethic and drive.  I thrived in learning and enjoyed exploring new things.

Depression and graduate school have together destroyed that over the past few years.

I mean, I will say that I had depression long before I recognized it for what it was.  But it was more under control, and I guess I wasn't in an environment that was toxic.

Then again, maybe I'm painting things with rose-tinted glasses because the present is just...not so good for me.

With almost 90 hours on it, I finally finished Bravely Default.

And I want Bravely Second.

So I went to get some things done today for my temporary data entry position and I'm already regretting it, not going to lie.  The place where I have to work looks...gray.  And dull.  And I felt like I was about to panic with all the rules they were giving me on top of looking at how the work stations are set up and if I'm not allowed to have music playing while trying to do this I'm going to be absolutely miserable.

I don't know what I want, but I already know that it isn't this sort of office environment.  I don't even need to start to recognize that.

I'm back to wishing I could just disappear.  I have no idea what I want to do or what makes me happy anymore.  I had a brief time of happiness when I was home and then it went away.

I have another tutoring session tomorrow for which I feel completely unprepared for, despite that I prepped and all.

Today I was able to talk with Nancy.  I explained my mood lately, and how it has dropped significantly since I've returned to Bing, and how I really kind of want to go home to Long Island because I felt happier there.  (Really, I kind of want to take a trip down to PA, now that I'm thinking about it.)  We talked about how I hate this idea that I need to do one thing with my life, and how I'm having trouble trying to figure out what that one thing is.  Is it writing?  Is it academia?  Is it something I'm completely unaware of at the moment?  I'm not sure.

Despite her telling me that I don't need to do just one thing - because job doesn't have to be everything, which I suppose is true - I've just felt very...lost.  Like I'm listless.  I'm afraid to call back the place where I applied to be a data entry clerk temporarily because a) I'm afraid they'll reject me, and b) I'm afraid they'll hire me.  I want and need money, yes, but...I know I'll hate doing that and I am afraid of that.

We talked about my puppy cafe idea, and my possibly starting up my own business.  That could be something I research on the side, we discussed.  That there are plenty of places that would help me with something like that.  I said that although the idea sounds awesome in my head, I'm terrified of the risk it would take.


I'm also thinking about sending off one of my papers as is to a journal; it probably needs some tune up but I've been so far removed from it that I'm not sure if I really care.  I think I care more about just trying to get something out there.

I hate not being able to talk with Nancy.  This is the worst.

Instead of telling people that I'm telling with a depression relapse, I just say I'm not feeling well.  Which technically isn't lying but also isn't exactly telling the truth either.

I tutored someone from UCLA today in Stata.  I hope I did at least a semi-decent job.

Also I've been sad today.  Like, listless and I just kind of want to lay down and do nothing but I also want something to do.  I've had a headache and so I didn't do to mma today.

Everything just feels pointless right now?  Like, even my fic, which I've been still working on; I'm around 75k and yet I'm like "whatever, not a lot of people read it anyway" and "it isn't like I'm getting paid for it," and I don't know.

I want to disappear.

I wanna talk to Nancy but I can't because the stupid school and its stupid policies.

I'm having trouble accepting my weight and body recently.

Like, I know I'm working out and I'm trying to not eat so much crap (seriously, I stopped buying a lot of stuff because I know I'll just inhale it) but I still feel like I'm so heavy and despite people telling me that my muscle mass is increasing (which...I guess it is), I just hate the way I look, especially when I see pictures of how I used to look.

Then I need to remember that I looked that way because I never ate and I shouldn't want that again but I kind of do.  But I'm hungry all the time.

And the abilify; I stopped taking it for a few days and I was slammed with awful feels so I know I shouldn't do that despite how I'm afraid of it causing me to gain a lot of weight.

None of my clothes fit me anymore, I feel.  None of the pants anyway.  Most of it I think is because of my thighs more than my waist but.  Still.  It is frustrating to me.

ghdfkghfj

I hate this I hate having body image issues.

Bizarre, ex-related dream last night.

So I guess, for some ungodly reason, I decided I wanted to talk with him.  And that I would do that by ambushing him in California. I took my best friend and we road tripped over, where I met his gf first, because he was at work or something.  She was welcoming and nice, actually.  I remember being very surprised at her hospitality.  Suddenly, other random people began showing up and we were all hanging out and laughing and it was oddly a good time.  But the ex wasn't there yet.

And then I left to do something, and when I came back, I knew he was in there, and I kept stalling.  I became very nervous so I didn't go in again.

They left on this boat party, and I decided I needed to get on that, and in order to do that, best friend and I needed to participate in some contest which involved jet skis, floaties, action figures in the water (and having to grab only the ones of women), and something else.  Even my dream self didn't know what the rules were.

But I think I won, and then I woke up around then.

It was weird.

I feel sad today.

I've been going through the DA series again; on 2 currently.  It's easy to run through these games when I have no job, yay.

Though I want to write I've been having serious writer's block.

Also I've been reluctant to take medication since I'm fearing that is a contributor to weight gain and...I know that's not what I should do but...I don't know.

I'm tired.

My morning walk was eventful.

There is always this little Beagle that we pass on our normal route, and he is always (stereotypically Beagle) howling at us when we pass because he wants to say hi.  He is super cute.  But today I all of a sudden see him running towards us; he got off his outside leash.  So he and Callie exchange greetings and butt-sniffs and then start playing, but then I picked him up to bring him back to his house.  Only thing is that I'm maybe...five steps from the door when he wriggles free of my grasp.

And hence a long chase began.

According to my phone, it was around a mile of me trying to get this little pup.  He kept running away whenever I got close, and I would try running only when he was out of my sight.  I know he probably thought of it as a game, and he kept sniffing everything (again, what a stereotype) and then running.  I got a decent amount of running in.

Finally, Callie stopped to poop.  And I guess he wanted to smell it because he came flying back towards us and stopped, which gave me the chance to pick him up and start carrying him back to his house.  (Thank god for mma, because holding onto him, who was squirming a lot, plus Callie's leash plus a poop bag was not exactly the easiest thing in the world.)

But I got him back to his house safe and sound, and his mom thanked me a ton for getting him back.  I just felt better knowing that he was home.

My arms are scratched up some now but that's okay.

Interesting way to start the day!

So I was looking up some things and I think that my weight gain is actually largely due to the medication.  My appetite has been really large and unable to be satisfied and I feel like I've just been storing more than I used to.

So I guess it is even more important that I keep going to workouts.

Ugh I didn't know I would have to give up my desk while I was away what the fuck is this bullshit.

I wanted to come into the office once in a while and be in my office but I guess first years have priority over someone who is going on leave.

But what, I just lose my desk and location when I come back?  This doesn't make any sense to me.

I don't do it often but when I look at my ex's page and see more "cutesy" stuff it just annoys me.  (Though I feel like lately I just come here to complain about this when I shouldn't be but I tend to look through past things when I'm either bored or upset with myself and I'm in that latter category at the moment.  Bad decisions.)  But that is my own problem, since obviously he's totally okay with having been terrible to his past girlfriends and then end up with someone with no repercussions whatsoever.

I think the only big repercussion he ever got was my hating him, which he probably never even really gave a shit about?

He's been in my thoughts more than usual (which is...not a lot, really, but it is still more than none, which is what it should be right now), and it might also be because I'm actually going on a date on Saturday?  At least, I think it is a date.  I don't know.  I was excited about the prospect of it before I came back to Bing but now I feel little with respect to it.  And I hate comparing, but I do; where I felt excited and nervous and scared with the ex, I feel...so little now.  But I guess that comes with the depression, and while it has been better, it still flares up at times.

I shouldn't compare.  Because really, that whirlwind of emotions I felt towards the ex blinded me to things that he did that I never would have tolerated if I only listened to my logical side.  So it wasn't really a good thing.  But then again, I should have something.

Maybe I'm just shutting down because the idea of another romance is scary to me?  Although I don't feel actively scared...I think it might be a subconscious thing.  Because the last one ended up being so fucking traumatic for me, and the idea of going through that all a second time is just...awful to say the least.

Then again, it might also be part of "Allie's unknown sexuality" series.  Whenever someone asks about my sexuality I never know how to answer; most people in my life think I'm straight even though I honestly don't think I truly am.  I've never really felt like I am; I find my sexuality to be very fluid.  I have times where I am definitely sexually and physically attracted to people, and then other times - like recently - where I feel nothing.  So I slide into the ace spectrum, I guess.  I've thought of myself as demisexual in the past too, but even that I'm not sure.  When I'm feeling attracted to people, I definitely feel attraction to men and women, so there's bisexuality in there too.

Yeah, sexuality is a weird topic for me.  So this whole "getting back into the dating game" thing might be upsetting that particular dilemma too.

Despite my getting better, I still feel like a gigantic mess.


Unrelated: I need some source of income for this semester so I've been looking up jobs.  But at the same time if I wanna keep writing a lot I really don't want a job.

Maybe.  I dunno.  I need cash.    

I've been thinking about writing a memoir of some sorts concerning my time at grad school and this journey of mine through depression/anxiety/heartbreak+recovery, etc., etc., but I'm not sure if it would be interesting at all and I'm going through some self-doubting lately.

I should work on my fic tomorrow too; I'm around 63000 words, and I'm not really close to being done, but maybe I'll make it more of a necessity to write every day rather than bang something out once every few days.  That might make things more regular.

Truthfully, I'm not extremely confident in my writing abilities, despite people telling me that they are strong.  I just don't think that my writing is interesting.  But I don't know.  Maybe someone will want to read about my shit or something.

Still not feeling great about myself.

But the end of gishwhes was good and fun though I wish we were able to do a little bit more.

And then parents came back from cruise yesterday and we went to movies today.

I think maybe I'll head back to Bing sometime this week.

I'm a lazy sack of shit who has let herself go and I am disgusting and I hate every picture of myself.

I hate how I look.  I really do.

I need to go back to working out regularly.

I tried, for the first time in a long time, to listen to Such Great Heights today.

I could barely make it into the first verse before memories and shit flooded back and I noped the fuck out of that song.

I have no idea what is going on with me.  A relapse, I guess is what I could call it?

I've just been uninspired to do much since I got back from Ota.  I keep writing but it is getting harder and harder to sit down and crank out chapters, despite all the ideas floating around in my head.  (Though I did pass the 50,000 word mark, which is cool I guess.)

I want to work out but have no energy or motivation to do so, really.  And then when I do start, I find it boring due to being by myself, and stop sooner than I should.  I hate the way I look right now, but I can't be half-assed to fix it.

This is probably at least in part because I've been forgetting to take my meds some days.  And also probably because the MMA was what was keeping me active and in shape and without it I've gone back to being a useless blob of shit.

Even gishwhes, which I was so excited for, has me just kind of staring at the prompts being like, "...kay.  I guess I'll do this one."  Which is so frustrating because I know I want to do more of it.  There is one that involves a silly dance that I've been wanting to do, so maybe doing that one will get me back in the game or something, I don't know.

Hell, even my mom, before she left, basically said I don't do anything, especially with regards to cleaning.  I tried to explain to her that things that she finds messy I don't but I guess I just suck at even keeping up a house too.  Sorry I'm terrible at everything.

I just want to stay in bed all day.

I can already feel myself slipping into a slump and I don't want that no no no please.

Was a little sad today?

I'm losing some motivation to write even though I still have so many ideas.

Bah.

Maybe I just want to be somewhere different?

Seriously I need to stop buying pops.

Just won an ebay bid for a greyscale captain america, and bought the two winter soldiers (unmasked and masked) and I keep watching more and I don't have the money to throw around but I want them.

I shouldn't have gotten into this now I'm like "MUST.  COLLECT.  MORE."

Like, I've been selling stuff on ebay but it is hard to make a profit when I immediately am like "oh now I can buy more funkos!"

I should head back to Bing maybe earlier than I thought.  Try to get some tutoring gigs or start dog walking or something like that.  I need to figure out some way to make cash during this semester off.  I just didn't want to start until I was in one place.


Also I've been super self-conscious about the way I look the past few days and ugh I wanna stop eating again.  I shouldn't want to do that, but I kinda do.  I've been wanting to work out but it is difficult to have motivation when I'm by myself.

Got home from Ota around an hour ago. Details tomorrow but here be cosplay!

Leaving for Baltimore tomorrow for Otakon 2015!

I'm honestly excited, and that is kind of a big deal for me?  Last year, I knew I should have felt excited, but I truly wasn't.  Not like how I am now.  Then again, last year at this time I couldn't really feel much of anything.  I was a hollow shell.  Now, I actually have emotions again, and the emotions aren't all anger and sadness, but really excited and happy at times!

Like, since I've been on the abilify, things have been so much better.  I'm sure some of things have to do with my taking a break from school to just do whatever I want, writing more things that I actually want to write, and exercising more (even though I've gotten lazy again since I've been home because I have no one to work out and motivate me like I do when I go to classes in Bing), but I think switching the medication was the catalyst which started everything.  And I feel less anxious about talking to people and stuff too!  I was able to do something nice for a mutual on tumblr who was feeling super sad because I wasn't too anxious to speak with her, and that is kind of a big deal for me.

I still would like to find a therapist when I get back, because I can't use Nancy while I'm on medical leave, but things don't seem nearly as terrible as they did two months ago.  Hell, maybe I really could go back after just one semester off and finish!  That would be great, in my opinion!  I still don't know if academia is really what I want, but having the PhD is still something I think I want, if even for my own ambitious desires.  But again, I don't want to be miserable, so perhaps it is still something to think about.

But yes, new medication has been good to me.

Still texting this guy from mma stuff and like.  He's super nerdy like me and I'm actually really enjoying chatting with him and he is completely understandable when it comes to my sporadic texting and everything.

It is nice talking with him.

Oh my god it's like he's balding and I'm sitting here laughing hysterically.


(His gf is super pretty though, ngl.)


Also yes I know I'm being mean but when it comes to him I'm allowed.


...THE REAL QUESTION IS WHY AM I EVEN LOOKING?  Seriously I haven't looked in forever and suddenly when I start all this mushy shit goes up?  What is even happening its like we synced up and that makes me wanna take a cold as fuck shower because no.

Ugh.  Gross.

Also why am I looking?


But good news, I have hit 45,000+ words in my fic!

I fell asleep last night a little after 8 and I woke up around 7:30.

It was awesome.

(And necessary, since I only got around 2 hours the night before.)

Sometimes I wish I could meet up with the ex just to tell him shit to his face.  Not that he would give a shit?  But despite how much I've recovered I still think it would be very therapeutic for me.

This is petty, but...

I still hate the idea of my ex being happy?  Like, it doesn't keep me up at night or anything anymore, but it still bothers me when I think about it (rare, nowadays).  Because he doesn't deserve it, in my eyes.  Why should he be happy after what he did to me and to others?  Why does he get to have a girlfriend who loves and supports him and a good job and all that stupid bullshit when he was a terrible fucking human being who had no regard for anyone other than himself?  Who caused me so much pain and suffering and gave me nothing but bullshit apologies that meant absolutely nothing?

Why does someone like that get to have happiness?

It is just something that I sometimes think about.

I'm probably getting to be too black-and-white again.  I need to remember that people are shades of gray.

(But that motherfucker still deserves a kick to the throat.)

I mean, it is less annoying now, since I've been doing great on the new medication, but.  Still.

I had an ex-related dream last night.

Brain.  Why?

It involved him and his gf and a mutual friend.  We had to share this area with only two desks, and we were working on something - but separately.  His gf and our mutual friend were there, but they were in a different area; his gf kept watching me and stuff.  She wasn't mean or anything.  More like she was curious.  He started looking for something in his notes and I ended up getting up to try and help and just was really snarky and passive aggressive towards him.

Finally, at some point I blew up and started explaining to him a bunch of things but he really didn't seem like he wanted to listen to me.  Which is typical of him.  I remember throwing my hands up and going back to my desk, angry that I had to work with him on this thing we were doing.

There was more to it but I don't remember; I should have written it down when I first woke up from it a few hours ago (but then I went back to sleep).

Why I had an ex dream, I have no idea.

I had a dream someone stole my bag of funkos and I tracked them down to get them back.

My priorities are super important right now.

Funko Collection List 7/10

Supernatural

• Castiel with Wings (Hot Topic Exclusive)
• Leviathan!Castiel (Hot Topic Exclusive)
• French Mistake!Castiel(/Misha) (SDCC Exclusive) x2
• FBI!Dean (Hot Topic Exclusive) 
• FBI!Sam (Hot Topic Exlusive)
• Crowley with Red Eyes (Hot Topic Exclusive)
• Charlie Bradbury

Game of Thrones

• Castle Black!Jon Snow (Hot Topic Exclusive)
• Jaime Lannister with Golden Hand (Hot Topic Exclusive Pre-Release)

Marvel/MCU

• Unmasked Captain America (SDCC Exclusive)
• Rocket with Potted Groot (SDCC Exclusive) x2

Disney (inc. Pixar)

• Coronation!Elsa with Orb and Sceptre (Hot Topic Exclusive) 
• Glitter!Sadness (SDCC Exclusive) 
• Glitter!Joy (SDCC Exclusive)

Other

• Lumpy Space Princess (Adventure Time)

Went funko pop hunting today and it was a good time!

I'm a huge nerd.

Next post will be a list/pics of collection.

I wanna sell some stuff on ebay and apparently people are asking/selling their in-box KH Sora Valor Form figures for like...over $150?

WHAT.

(Yet I will need to get over this nostalgia I have...maybe I can just take it home with me.)


Also I'm 25 today.  Wooooooo.

I just saw Inside Out and many feels occurred.

It's been a while since a movie made me cry, but I identified a lot with it and I'm so glad it exists.

Oh look, it's my past relationship with my ex!

(Though I did find this interesting.)

In good news, I have still been feeling good and I have over 13k words written in this fic and I keep actually wanting to write and that is awesome for me.

Oh, and friend gave me a pendant that has enochian symbols for 'Cassiel' who is the archangel Castiel is based on and I am so happy with it.  Because I'm Castiel trash.

So I unreluctantly gave my number to someone today (guy from mma classes).

Huh.

(Though still not sure I'm completely up for the whole dating thing ngl.)

Sometimes I still worry about my weight and how I look and everything so it is kind of awesome and nice when a guy in my mma class asked me if I was the "buffest person on [my] soccer team."  (And then when I said no, said I must have been in the best shape/able to beat people up.)

That was awesome to hear, not gonna lie.

I don't know if it is the new medication or the regular-going to mma classes or the combination of both (most likely, really), but I've been feeling a lot more energetic and less upset about things than I otherwise would be.  Which is...really awesome, actually.

I'm hoping this isn't some sort of placebo effect since I just started the new meds not that long ago but I really do feel like they are working.  I'm less tired and less sad, and I've been getting a lot more shit done in the past few days than I have in a long time because of it.

And I started writing things!  Not anything academic mind you, but fics and stuff.  I wanna write some fun things to try and get back into the idea that writing is enjoyable, and then maybe I can get back to academic writing if I really want.  Even the fics are kind of practice for something I've been thinking of which would be my own work and bigger.

I dunno, I just would like to write something and enjoy writing again.  And I find I am with the fics right now.

Finally put up space invaders!

Well the cynic in me gets to be smug for some time.

While walking the pups, I heard screaming from a house I was passing on my street.  Now, I probably should have just called the cops or something but police make me nervous and I wasn't completely sure if it was necessary.  Also, I would've kept going if the screaming wasn't like...intense. It made me think something was really wrong; I distinctly heard 'help,' so I thought maybe someone was in serious trouble.

I probably should've turned around because the dogs saw a cat or something and Murray got off his leash somehow and I couldn't get them under control. But I was concerned still. Finally after I had knocked a few times, someone came to the door, answering with a really nasty tone and a 'what do you want' and I said I heard screaming so I wanted to be sure everything was okay. She stayed annoyed and Callie, in her excitement, jumped on the door and popped the screen a little. I was obviously sorry but you would've thought I broke a vase of her mother's ashes with the reaction I received. Again. I reiterated that I just wanted to make sure everything was okay because of what I heard and she was like 'he's four!', in reference to who was screaming, and I, completely annoyed, replied that I didn't know that. All I knew was that I heard yelling and I thought someone was in need of help.

I was rudely told to leave and of course, I'm still having problems getting the dogs back under control because it is also a pain in the ass when they are both together (I might ask to only take Callie from now on idk I can't control her and him right now). In my head, I kept saying that I should offer to pay/fix the screen, but at that point, with how hostile she was being, I didn't even think that would be met with any sort of warmness (or really anything less than just more hostility, which I wasn't equipped to deal with).  Finally I get going, angry with fucking everyone: that lady for being so nasty even though I was just trying to help, with the dogs for not being calm and listening to me, and myself for thinking that anything good would come of this.

I ended up, after getting.g home, driving by myself for a bit because I was upset and wanted to be completely alone and I'm just cynical because people are assholes and I don't really know why I try sometimes. Because I will fuck it up and/or my attempt at doing something good and nice will be spat on.

Idk I do feel bad about the screen maybe instead of engaging I'll just put some money in an envelope (like $40-50 idk how much it costs to fix screens) and put it in their mailbox or something.  Then at least my conscience will be clear. 

I got to deal with some mean as shit hillbillies today!

So, I decided that I wanted to go somewhere different today with Callie.  There is this park that roommate B went with Murray that he really liked, so I figured I would try there. When I got there, however, I felt weird because no one was around and it looked like there wasn't even a good place to park my car.  After a little bit, I decided that I would try a different park nearby instead.

I decided to go without the use of my GPS as an adventure, but the road I ended up taking was a dead end.  Now, despite seeing the sign, I wanted to go to the end of the road because it was narrow and usually the end of a dead end road is wider so I figured I'd be able to make my three point turn there.

Instead, I get to the end of the road and have to stop short because these three dogs came at my car from out of nowhere.  Now, I didn't think I hit any of them, but just to be sure, I got out to make sure.  The owners were out, and instead of replying to me or saying hi or even trying to control their dogs and get them away from my car they just kept being nasty to me, as if it was my fault.  I gave up trying to help or anything after I saw that the three dogs were fine, and then got back in my car.  But in trying to reverse, I saw that one of the dogs was now behind my car.  And again, no one tried to do anything for some time.  I didn't want to get out again because I also had Callie and she had already gotten out once and also because I was getting vibes of "we will shoot this city heathen if she does anything" from them.  Finally, one of them came towards my car, and I - not bothering to try and be super nice anymore - just frankly said that I can't/won't back up with that dog right behind my car.  He got it to move (by hitting it with a stick ugh I wanted to say something about that but again...I'm sure they were getting ready to get their guns out) and I was able to get out of there.  But like...the whole thing reminded me of why I hate rural areas for the most part.  They're pretty, but hillbillies abound.

Anyway, I ended up not being able to find the other park, and just went to our regular dog park where Callie got to swim and play with some other pups.  And now she is passed out, basically.

Once again, been a while because I suck and all that stuff.

So having friend here has been nice, though I still am finding my desire to do most things severely lacking.  Though I have found exception in the mma classes; I have been enjoying those, even though I wish I would force myself to go to more during the week.  I have backlogged a few classes so I could definitely go more than just the twice a week for some time.


I said I would talk about my session with psychiatrist.  First, I was put on a new medication combo, now the zoloft + abilify so that will be interesting to start.  We talked about how I keep having these ups and downs, and how the downs can get really down, where I start thinking about how nice it would be for everyone if I just disappeared because I feel like a burden on people, etc., etc.  Hopefully the new combination will help with that.

We also went into my tendency to say yes to practically everything and everyone, even when I would rather say no.  This ranges from innocuous things to things that are really either inconvenient or uncomfortable for me.  But I have this insane feeling of guilt whenever I say no, because I feel like I will disappoint someone or make them sad, and if I had to choose between making myself sad vs. someone else, I'll always choose myself.  He highlighted that this seems to go with the theme where I've acted as a caretaker sometimes, or I'm usually putting the needs and wants of other people ahead of anything for myself.  And that it might be a good idea to start practice saying no in situations where I would like to, but normally make me uncomfortable.

I'll have to see if I can do that.


Normally fb isn't my playground anymore, but fun things happened on mine recently.  And by fun, I mean...things were a clusterfuck, because I voiced my disdain for the grossness of the most recent season of GoT.  Things got heated.  It was interesting.

Oh, and I saw the ex post on a mutual friend's status and kind of stared at it a bit and it made me think of things but I didn't feel a lot of feels and that's good.  Like, I like this idea that even though he comes across in my mind still sometimes, it isn't as bad as it was.  I mean, I still would definitely like to kick him repeatedly in the face if I ever saw him again, but I don't actively think about doing that anymore.  It is more like whenever he comes up and I'm very "oh, yeah, I still would like to punch him if I ever got the opportunity...that'd be sweet" and then just go on doing whatever I'm doing at that moment in time.

Part of me wondered if I could describe my views toward him as "hatred" anymore, and I'm not sure I can, because hatred implies this strong overwhelming feeling of anger and disgust and more and it can be consuming, and it isn't that anymore.  But "dislike" isn't a strong enough word?  I don't know.  Like I don't think about it most of the time and when I do, it is now passive, but still very much "wow he was a fucking douchebag and did a whole ton of horrible shit that he never truly owned up to or apologized for and I will never be okay with the pain he put me through" sort of thing.  I guess I can still call it hate, but like...passive hate?  I dunno.

Again, these thoughts just came up because I saw him on a mutual's dash and my mind started to wander off.

So my friend has moved in to the house and I am super pleased with that even though I wasn't pleased with the state of the house prior to her coming here.  The two who moved out left the place in disarray and there are some money things that we need to sort out and stuff and getting the internet all set up again was a bigger pain in the ass than it should have been, but I enjoy having her here and it should be a good time.  Yay~


I've been having some conflicting thoughts about my weight and everything.  On the one hand, I'm not happy with it...I've gotten heavier again and I miss being super thin at times.  But on the other...the classes I went to this week were the first ones where I didn't need to sit out for anything in particular.  Like...I had eaten beforehand and had drank water rather than soda throughout the day and I felt like I had more energy and could get through the workout without feeling like I was going to pass out at any point.

So, if I could actually get back into a good routine (I've done intense workouts the past few days since I've returned to Bing), maybe I can build up muscle or something.  I'd like that at least.  Then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about the weight and stuff.


I also had a session with psychiatrist yesterday but I'll talk about that in a separate entry later.

I have so many ideas for stories and fic and yet I still can't find the motivation to write any of it because I know I can't write creatively for fucking shit and my love of writing I guess still has taken a hit from grad school and so I just think of ideas and say "oh this would be cool."

Also I still can't motivate myself to do fucking anything so I just sit inside all day and tell myself that I'll do this and that tomorrow, except tomorrow never comes.

And I want to stop eating again but I haven't been able to because I'm hungry a lot and like eating bad stuff too much but I want to because I don't deserve it.

Things were supposed to be better why aren't they.

And I want to respond to a text I got a few days ago but I'm too unmotivated to even fucking do that and I'm a shit friend.  Hell, even the other day I couldn't stay at another friend's memorial day party for very long because there were too many people I didn't know and I got super uncomfortable and why do I suck so fucking much.

I need to stop eating so much.

Slash so much crap.

I hate that I've put weight back on because I'm lazy and unmotivated and all that.

But when I think about routinely working out again I just think "what's the fucking point" and then just continue doing some random lazy bullshit because I suck.

It is bad when I miss how I used to eat less than 1000 calories a day, forgetting that I was doing that because of the breakup with the ex and that that wasn't good either.

I find myself both lonely and unwilling to hang out with people.  Because when I do, I just feel more lonely.  I don't get it.

Man, I was fine the first week back.  And now I'm all fucked up in terms of emotions and what the fuck am I doing with my life I should just disappear so people don't need to deal with my stupid shit.

I don't know if it is because I am tired, or maybe the exhaustion is a symptom...but I'm finding it difficult to care much about anything right now, for some reason.  Even to the point where I can't pretend for the sake of pretending.  Parents asked me if I wanted something with dinner and I just am like "eh, idk" and that is how I would describe myself right now.

It sucks and I need to remember to actually take my pills, since I keep forgetting and that probably is affecting me quite intensely.

Haven't been here even though I should be, mostly because I have been too busy on tumblr being fandom trash.

I kept saying that I was going to try my hand at writing, so maybe I'll warm up with fanfic because I have too many ideas.


I've still been bored but that is my own fault for being a fucking potato all the time.

Had a really good conversation with Nancy today, one which made me realize exactly how much I have conformed to what other people have wanted me to be.

There is a theme in my life, apparently: I am allowed to be an individual, but not too much.  I can step outside the box, but not too far away from it.  When what I want is still, maybe while abnormal in comparison to everyone else, in the confines of "acceptable/professional/etc.," then I receive no pushback.  A few looks, perhaps, but nothing that would make me question what I wanted.

But when I step too far away, or want to step too far away, that's different.  And even, my "too far away" is very different from others in my life.  I remember growing up I wanted to express myself in ways different from how my older sisters did.  Example - I wanted to dye my hair with red streaks.  I was allowed, with caution, because otherwise it would be "crazy" and "unprofessional" and all that.  There was one time where my oldest sister was redoing it before she had to leave for somewhere (at her insistence) and ended up putting more in than originally intended.  While I liked the result - it was all red and awesome looking imo - my parents screamed at me and said it was my fault for rushing her, etc., etc.  In response I locked myself in my room and played violent video games for a few hours and then showering more than a few times a day after that in order to get it to fade.

Even here, I've been told to do certain things different from what I wanted because what I wanted was too outside of what everyone else was doing.  I remember a fight I had with one of the roommates where he told me to change something in a paper because it wasn't what our professor believed and that I should just put what she wanted to hear.  I got angry because I thought that was a cop-out, that I shouldn't change my theory simply to fit the mold of what she wanted.  I liked my own theory, even though it was different.  We ended up yelling at each other and I took a long walk with Callie afterwards.

This theme has come up many times; this idea that some of the things I want are too "strange" or whatnot and therefore I must not do them.  Still, there are things I want to do and have which I have been fearful of obtaining due to these past experiences.  I suppose they've been engraved in my mind: even though I want this thing, how acceptable is it to have?  I remember getting yelled at, having fights, and being guilted into doing things other than what I truly desired. And this theme has been so reoccurring that I just put off everything and have become a shell of the person I wanted to be.  I've forced myself into a box that I don't really want to be in, because I'm afraid of the reaction I will get if I try to step out again.

But...I would like that to change.  I really would.

There was a post on tumblr outlining the long-lasting effects of emotionally abusive relationships.  And as I read it, I said to myself, "wow...this describes me really well still."

Then I became a bit sad and angry because it has been over three years.  I can safely say I'm over him and that I actively do not think about him anymore except on some random and odd occasions.  However, those effects are still there.  I still don't trust people and would rather be alone.  I find that I'm much less spontaneous than I was before the ex (though truthfully I usually liked to have a plan, but the fact that my spontaneity has decreased even from that says a lot).  I feel like I tiptoe around issues more than I did before, afraid of my opinions being seen as insensitive or that they will somehow hurt someone.  The idea of being with someone has once again become something that I don't want, but not like it was before.  Before, I just wanted to be independent and focus on my work.  Now, I am afraid of being hurt again and do not want to be tied down.  I don't want to be under someone else's control again.  I tie myself down enough as it is.

And although I'm working on the whole self-love and improvement thing, I still find it difficult to make lasting friendships out of the ones I already have.  When people tell me to just go out and meet others, they say it like it is no big deal.  But it is.  I can talk to random people, honestly.  I can meet someone and smile and have a genuinely pleasant conversation, knowing that I will either never see them again or that I will know them in passing, or as an acquaintance.  Anything beyond that is work.  I have a difficult enough time maintaining the friendships I already have.  My own fault, really, for not keeping in touch as much as I should.


I don't know...that post got me thinking about shit.  

Man I really fucked up my back doing those kettlebell swings the other day.  I was doing them wrong, not realizing it at the time, and since then it has been just painful for me to move around and do things.  I even had to have roommate B put in my a/c because I couldn't lift it without straining my back and everything.

This is the last week of the semester, though I honestly haven't been doing much.  My medical leave is being processed, but I was told that it is definitely going to go through.  I still don't know what my plans are, though I suppose that is the point.  I was thinking about writing, either something creative or just about my first three years of grad school.  Not sure, really.

me!me!me!

ME!ME!ME! Animated Music Video 日本アニメ（ーター）見本市「ftDao from Alen Marcells on Vimeo.

While the content is nsfw, the theme is very relevant to me. Past and current. (Also the visuals are beautiful.)

I saw this a while ago but I was thinking about it again for some reason.

To this day, I still refuse to listen to any version of Such Great Heights.

I signed up for GISHWHES officially and I'm a dork but I really do think the incentive to meet Misha is going to be enough to get me out trying to get as many points as possible.

Which is good because I've been extremely shut-in this week and avoiding any interactions simply because the idea of doing so is exhausting/just something I really really don't want to do.  Though the migraine I had yesterday was legit; I didn't go to the baseball game because of it.  God, it was awful.

I have been spending a lot of time with the pups, which I am always fond of, though I recognize that sometimes it is at the expense of other relationships.  And I know I shouldn't be as okay with that as I obviously am.

Man I want to write more but I am just...uninspired still.  Pretty much anything outside of my current fandoms is uninspiring, and I know that that's more of a problem than something good.  I latched onto them so tightly that I can't hold on to anything else right now, because they at least gave me something to at least be interested in.

There was a cutie working at five guys who talked to me about video games and I should've stayed longer.

Guess I will just have to go to five guys more often. No complaints.

I've decided that this year I want to participate in Misha Collins' GISHWES in August.  From what I have heard, not only is it a lot of fun, but it is the kind of thing that allows you to be weird and embrace that weirdness in public and I think I could use something like that after this academic year.

Plus, well...the winning team gets a vacation with Misha and while winning is a long shot, it is also something I can think about to force myself to go do some of these things that I would otherwise avoid.  I would love to meet him; he is one of my favourite celebrities, and truthfully I don't have many of those?  I mean, I have people I really enjoy, but Misha is inspiring to me.

I know, I am a dork.  I can't help it.


I haven't put in my request for leave just yet, mostly because I need to write a description of why I am requesting it, and...I'm not exactly sure in how much depth I could go.  What is the right balance?  I don't want to downplay everything in fear of my request getting rejected but I also don't know if I should go into all this other stuff.  Right now my rough copy talks about a bunch of things, and I made sure to mention the mental breakdowns I have had, specifically citing the one that happened in workshop in front of the faculty and my peers.  I went into how I've skipped class because I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed and go, and how my anxiety is making it nearly impossible to go talk to some of the professors that I need to speak with.

And I talked about some other stuff.  Specifically I mentioned the suicidal ideation, but I'm not...sure if I should?  I don't know.  I mean, it is accurate.

Bah, I just went into how I can't think about anything and I can't bring myself to do everything because I am disillusioned as fuck and find little joy in most things (hence, once again, why I become overly attached to fictional stuff).

I'm probably making this harder than it needs to be.

Finally decided to apply for a medical leave for next semester. 

I think it is for the best.  I'm actually pleased with this decision.

Had a discussion with one of the profs I'm close with before (he came to me because, as he said, I won't talk to him unless he comes and gets me himself; something I attribute to my fear of talking to people and disappointing them and everything).  He wanted to know how I was doing and everything, and he was a bit sad when I told him the inevitable, "eh, not great."

He talked to me about the importance of having something that I'm interested in, and understands the difficulty in being where I am and being unsure of what to do.  And that having too much or too little to do results in stagnation, to which I agreed.  In a way, I've had both too much and too little to do.  Too much in theory; too little in practice.  I'm not sure if that makes sense.

The idea of my taking a medical leave of absence was again brought up, and I won't lie, it is becoming more and more of an attractive option.  I just get worried about this idea of falling behind, but...at the same time, having a semester off could also give me some time to catch up on things and sort some shit out.

Also, I would need to think about a source of income for that time period.

Woke up with a horrible headache and a desire to just go back to sleep for the remainder of the day.

Despite, you know, not doing anything productive yesterday.

It was weird; not only did I do nothing productive, but I couldn't even really think of something productive to do.  I'm so far behind and so far gone in terms of knowing what to do with my life that anything that I can't even think of real ways to get that back on track.  Plus I keep thinking about what I talked about with psychiatrist in terms of whether or not being this miserable is worth the end product of the doctorate.

Man, I said I was going to return to regular posts here when I came back from LI, but I've been distracted thanks to my renewed interest in Supernatural.  Tumblr has kind of grabbed hold of me thanks to it.

I saw my psychiatrist again and from the things I've been telling him, he told me that he gets this sense that I feel as though I am in a caretaker role, in a way.  That I feel as though my own feelings do not matter and always come second to what everyone else wants.  I discussed how my eldest sister blamed me for my youngest sister not doing as well in her last semester of high school because she "had to listen to me cry every night" since it was the semester the ex broke up with me.  I explained how during my relationship I always pushed my own desires away so I could try and make him happy.  I recalled how, in high school, someone who once was my best friend got extremely upset with me because I wasn't being supportive enough of her, or showing her enough love, or something to that nature.  He asked me why I, even when I have valid points against others, don't always speak up.  Why I am not more selfish sometimes.  I feel guilty when I do.  It is a reflex.  I feel like a terrible person when I make someone sad or disappointed because I did something that I wanted.

Despite my not having said that I see myself as a caretaker, those things made him point it out, despite my being conscious of it.  Then he asked me again about my career, feeling as though this idea that my own desires don't matter is a theme throughout my life (really, going back to spn for a second, because I've been obsessed, I identify the most with Castiel for this particular reason).  He asked me if what I'm doing is because I don't know what else I would do at this point in my life.  He pointed out that I'm clearly not happy here and not happy at this point in time.

What do I want to do?  What do I like anymore?  It is hard to say.

I like fantasy worlds and fiction.  I like video games and the creation of beautiful places we can escape to.  But I also like mathematics and logical realities.  I like analyzing things that people normally aren't interested in looking closely at.  I like doing things that are different from others.

But I am afraid, at the same time.  People will claim they want you to be unique.  To be different and special and all that stuff.  They're lying, though.  When you start to do those things, they will fight against you and block you at every opportunity, and after a while, you're left a shell who no longer wishes to fight back because you're too tired.

And then you get to a point where you don't know what you want anymore.  Because is it something you want, or is it something that you think others want from you? 

The first few days back at Bing have been largely uneventful, though I am realizing that it is just a return to the mundane.

I'm not sure, but lately I've been having this thought about my future: I want to do something that impacts people.  Something that will make people happy.  I'm not entirely sure if academia is where I will be able to realize that.  Sure, there is the teaching aspect, but even that I'm not finding very fulfilling anymore.

The idea of writing a story and creating a fictional world has always been in the back of my mind.  Unfortunately, I have never thought my creative writing skills to be up to par (in comparison to my more formal essay-like writing style when doing something seriously), and I was always afraid of staring something and never having the drive or willpower to finish it.  Plus the fear that even if I did finish it, it would never get published and would never be read.

I guess fear continues to halt me at every possible turn I could make.

Maybe that is part of the reason I want to incorporate fiction into my dissertation?  Or it is just that fictional worlds have always fascinated me.  They are...cleaner, in a way, than the real world.  And it is always nice to daydream about having magical powers or something like it.

Back in Bing.  Was late for class.  But that is okay, I guess.  It isn't like I did anything for this class anyway.

Boo.

(This means I will probably return to regular updating now after my LI hiatus.)

Also it is 75 degrees and I do not approve.  It is too fucking hot for this time of year and I dislike.

What I've been spending my days doing.

I forget how much I love puzzles. They relax me. Perhaps I will add them into my routine to de-stress when needed.

This is just the first layer. Then 3d stuff.

"I just want you guys to be happy and find someone who is as good as your father."

My parents are adorable.


My mom and I did have a conversation today about the ex and how my outlook on things has changed since then (I said something about how grad school destroyed a certain part of me, to which my mom replied that she didn't think it was grad school that did it, hence why this was brought up).  This might have been the first time we have talked about it where I did not get really anxious or annoyed or wanting to stop.  It felt like I was able to maybe express some things I never really got across, which was good.

I explained that while I know now that I was good to him (she basically replied "damn straight" which pleased me), the whole thing had a profound impact on me.  That I don't like to be around people that much anymore, and I honestly prefer the company of dogs than I do people.  She said she thinks I beat myself up too much about it and asked if there are unresolved feelings.  I admitted that there probably are, but at the same time things have subsided in that I don't really think about him much anymore.  My focus has turned to work, though even that is terribly stressful and everything and thought patterns bleed into different areas of life.  I do wonder if that subsiding is more just the passage of time than anything else.  It probably also has a lot to do with my sessions with Nancy, which makes me much more self-aware of my destructive thoughts and unhealthy patterns.  But I don't have the dreams anymore either.

I know it had a significant impact; one that affects me still.  But it is better now than it once was.

(This was going to be longer but then I got sleepy.)

I don't think I've ever gone this long without updating in here (with the exception of when I'm away and unable to access the internet).

I'm home on the Island, which I am very grateful for.  I do feel better when I'm here, at least for the first few days before some existential crisis hits me or something idk.  But still, it is better being here than in Bing.

Though something awesome has happened!  My friend who always helps me with my Ota cosplays and everything is probably going to move in with us!  Roommates C and J are planning on moving to Ithaca to be closer to J's new job location, and my friend has been wanting to find someplace cheaper than where she is now.  Her rent here would be around half of what she is paying now, and if she switches her insurance to Bing, that will go down significantly as well.

I'm excited to live with her.  It will be awesome also just to live with another woman, which I haven't had the pleasure of doing since undergrad.

Friend visited me on Thursday and while it was fantastic and filled with funtimes and lots and lots of Dragon Age, it was only a temporary escape.  Now I'm back to reality (as usual) and staring at the pad of paper on my desk with some words scratched on it, most of which I have written before but still just haven't been able to internalize as "this is definitely what I am going to do."  I'm supposed to have concepts and definitions and assumptions by today, but my apathy and inability to focus on anything of substance have been blocking me from writing anything that I would even be able to pass off as "I tried."

When I have some good days with a friend, one would think that I would come out the other side feeling refreshed and ready to get back to work.  However, that doesn't seem to happen.  Instead, it is, as I said, a temporary escape.  I just return to my bleak reality where I care about little to nothing and longing for that comfort to come back to me.  The desire to run away, to just pick up anything that I find valuable and get out of here without any notice, has been getting stronger and stronger, to the point where I need to consciously tell myself not to do it.  That I sit in the car with the ignition on and wonder if today will be the day I leave for...somewhere.  Anywhere.  Anywhere that would make me feel some semblance of purpose again.  My mind works against me: it tells me that I must stay for x and y reasons, but also tells me that what I am doing (hell, what most people are doing) is completely useless and will never actually help anyone.  That I'm here in this limbo I will never get out of, and that my young desires of intellectual pursuit and helping others have backfired.  Instead of feeling more fulfilled, I seem to find that the more I learn, the emptier I feel.  When you choose to study the worst cesspools of humanity, I suppose that isn't too surprising.

I want to disappear.  I want to run away.  I want this void inside my mind and heart to cease existing.  Truly, I want something that will spark the love of learning and work that I had not too long ago.  It might seem otherwise now, because of my avoidance of work and things that would make me feel anxious.  But I've just been tired.  Once in a while I will have bursts of energy, where I feel like I can do things and get them all done and have a prospectus by the end of the summer, but those are usually short-lived and the space between those bursts has gotten continually longer.

Fictional worlds and characters have been my way to escape without actually disappearing, which is why I think I have clung to them more very recently than I have in some time.  I'm more interested in my Inquisitor's politics than in the politics of the real world.  I'm more interested in whether or not the writers of Supernatural will have the balls to follow-up on all the subtext concerning Dean and Castiel, thus adding to bisexual representation on television.  I'm more interested in analyzing characters from the Legend of Korra, and seeing how they are great examples of awesome ladies in fiction.

Somehow, I'm trying to fit this dependence on fictional worlds into my research, but I will probably be unsuccessful in that.  Despite what people say, my department does not seem very open to the idea of the analysis of fiction, even if you tie it in to the real world (my thinking that having awesome ladies in children's shows decreases implicit bias against women when those children are older, thus giving them more willingness to vote for them, etc., etc.).  Tying reality with fiction and vice-versa just...seems like it would be the best way for me to do something "relevant" while also not wanting to do something drastic to make myself feel like I have a purpose again.

So, I finally, during my session with Nancy, emailed the professor I've been wanting to talk with about things to ask for a meeting.  And I'm feeling really really anxious about her response and everything.

I was told to write out my feelings and validate them while also challenging them so...I'm gonna do that here and stuff I guess.

This professor is an incredibly intelligent person, and I'm afraid her expectations of me are too high, especially given how I have been for the past two semesters.  I find that she often looks to me when dealing with math stuff in classes, and she'll sometimes I think believe that I am more capable than I feel I am.  And I sometimes find her difficult to understand; she words things in a way that I don't always get and when I don't, I don't have the courage to ask her to break things down more.  I'm supposed to be the math person, and I don't like and am afraid of having one of the more methodological and mathematically intelligent people in this department thinking that I actually suck.  Which I feel like I do.

(Challenging these thoughts is harder than this entry will make them seem, aha.)  However, the meeting could actually go really well.  Instead of her being angry with me about not contacting her earlier, she might be glad that I finally took that step I was anxious about taking.  I also need to remember that she has had many more years than I do develop her mathematical skills and expertise; she was, at some point in her earlier life, where I am now.  The fact that she is better than I am in terms of abilities does not mean she is going to think of me as stupid or who can't handle things in the methodological pool.  And my asking questions might be interpreted not as me being unintelligent and unable to handle these sorts of but more that I want to learn and make sure I understand as much as possible so that I can do better.

I have been trained in certain areas of math, and just because I have been somewhat removed from pure mathematics in my time here does not mean that my skills have disappeared.  Rather, they lie dormant, perhaps.  It would make sense, since I haven't needed to use them, and so haven't sharpened those skills in a while.  Being out of practice does not automatically mean I have failed and that I cannot get those skills back.

Right now, yes, I feel like things are going to be terrible.  I'm fidgety and a little shaken but it is okay.  I took a step, and right now, that step is a leap, and should be acknowledged as such.

Things won't be as bad as they seem right now.

Saw psychiatrist today and talked about medication stuff. I might be changing meds to see if they work better.

Tomorrow update. Probably.

Went to Philly for Menzingers on Saturday and while they were awesome and seeing friends was great, the crowd kind of sucked.  This was the first time my band was not the headliner, and it showed, but I guess I got used to the Streetlight and World/Inferno crowds, who are intense but friendly, even during their openers.  Meanwhile, this crowd (Taking Back Sunday being the headliner) was...tame and mean, as my friend said.  Even during their set, the Menzingers' singer mentioned how lame the crowd was being and I felt bad because I know there were fans of them around and wanted to have fun but the TBS people were super annoying and judgmental and made it difficult just by...being stationary and refusing to move a muscle.

We got some things going at some points; I could tell that if the Menzingers was headlining, it would have been better.  Those fans seemed super cool and everything and wanted to have fun.  So next time I see them I'll need to make sure they are the main group.


Still been dealing with the "need to figure things out but am uninterested in practically everything" problem.   And by dealing, I mean "ignoring the problem because it has become too overwhelming for me to address right now."  Part of me is wondering about different ideas but they are through the lens of other things.  Example, I think writing something about queerbaiting in media would be fun, and this is primarily driven by my reading up on the subject within the Supernatural fandom (because holy hell do the spn writers do that and it has become infuriating).

I think media is going to be something that I end up wanting to address.  I just don't know if I will be able to.  Which makes me sad.

Also my plan is to go to Philly tomorrow for the Menzinger's concert and while I originally was going to ask roommate B if he could just watch Callie for the night, I will instead ask roommate C.  Because I think roommate B is watching first year's dog.  Because idk of her magical vag.

I can't even hear her voice?  It just makes me angry and disgusted.

You know what, really more disgusted than anything.

Fuck her.  And the part of him that thinks she is a decent person despite knowing what she does.

The first year I hate is in my house and I want to run out and punch her.  And roommate for bringing her here.

I might have to actually talk with him about I feel about this.

Our cohort had a meeting today with the graduate director of our department to discuss things like dissertation and committees and other official things.  I wouldn't be able to tell you how it all went, unfortunately, because not even 10 minutes in, I found myself spacing and starting to freak out.  All I kept hearing in my head was how much of a failure I was; that I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do.  That I have no interest in anything academic.  That my desire to run away or disappear is becoming greater and greater and I'm afraid because that usually leads to more destructive thoughts and those aren't fun at all and getting in the mindset of those constantly bouncing around is super dark and something I felt like I only barely crawled out of and I don't want that dark pit to consume me again. 

So I did what I usually do when these...situations happen: I ran.  I ran to the bathroom to try and calm myself down but in there those thoughts just became overwhelming and I soon found myself sobbing and unable to breathe or think about anything other than my perceived failure and how I'm a disappointment to everyone around me and etc., etc.  And after being unable to truly calm down after...some time, I ran upstairs to see if Nancy was available, rather than choosing to return to the meeting (despite, you know, all of my stuff still being there).  I had to wait a bit, since she was with someone, but since I was shaking and crying and couldn't calm myself, I decided that was better than showing my face downstairs again.  

And so when I got to see her, she was concerned and listened to my word vomiting about how I feel awful and sad about my lack of interest in anything academic (or really, most things, which is why I feel like I cling to my fictional worlds and stories like a child; they not only are my way to escape, but are also one of the only things that interest me anymore).  While I know I want to do stuff with math, that isn't enough; I have no substantive interest to attach to it, and we don't do pure methodological things here.  Besides, even if we did, I'm not confident in my mathematical abilities to actually be successful in that area.  

I also talked about my feeling like a failure to Callie; that her behavioural things are my fault, and that I could have prevented them. 

Also how whenever people talk to me about their work or say how much they "understand" my plight, I want to punch them in the face.  Because no, you don't understand (roommates).  You don't.  You have had at least a general area that you have always been interested in since the beginning: human rights.  Neither of you have swayed from that, really.  You don't understand how much this sucks.  I don't read anything because the idea of doing so is so unbearable and boring, rather than simply because I don't want to read it.  When I start reading anything academic, lately, I find myself continually asking the "what's the point" question.  And not "what's the point of this research?"  No, I'm asking myself what the point of my presence even in this discipline.  What is the point of fucking anything, really.  The job market is shit anyway.  We keep being reminded of how if we don't have x, y, and z, there is no way we will ever be acceptable, and while that might be true, it is kind of awful to keep hearing over and over when you aren't even able to think about ideas for x, y, and z.  And you know that others will have all that and better and that you could be passed over for political reasons or some other bullshit.  The sad thing is that I'm aware of all this being the reality in almost any job.  The only way I could possibly get out of it is if I become self-employed.  

And the "well everywhere is like this" thought is the worst.  My idealistic vision of academia being "above that" so to speak was naive and has been shattered and I was an idiot to believe it would be better.  

I ended up going to Wegman's with friend and she and I nommed and we chatted for a long time, which included my word vomiting to her about some of this stuff.