For a while I was excited to see everyone over Thanksgiving.

But in the end I actually think it would have been better if I hadn't seen them.  I don't mean for that to sound heartless, but maybe that's what I've become.  I don't know.

I feel little connection with anyone or anything anymore.  I feel...isolated, even when around friends and family.

Hell...even my mom - although I know she was joking so I bear no ill will towards her...I guess it just kind of opened my eyes as to my own uselessness and disconnect - said that Callie would be alright being here without me.  Like, if I left, she would be fine.  She'd be sad for a day but she'd get over it and be happy with my parents without me.

For the past few days, bad thoughts and everything have crept back up into the corners of my mind.  Like...now knowing that Callie would be fine without me, I sometimes wonder what keeps me tethered, besides my own fears?

It's sad that I should say the love I have for my family, but in reality, they'd probably be better off without me.  I just feel like I'm a burden on them.  My viewpoints clash, I have no idea what I want to do in my life, and I'm so disconnected that I sometimes feel like I'm talking with strangers.  Less so with my parents and younger sister, truthfully.  But still.

It's sad that wanting to see the third Captain America movie overrides most other things in the "list of reasons Allie shouldn't do anything her mind tells her might be a good idea."