"I just want you guys to be happy and find someone who is as good as your father."

My parents are adorable.


My mom and I did have a conversation today about the ex and how my outlook on things has changed since then (I said something about how grad school destroyed a certain part of me, to which my mom replied that she didn't think it was grad school that did it, hence why this was brought up).  This might have been the first time we have talked about it where I did not get really anxious or annoyed or wanting to stop.  It felt like I was able to maybe express some things I never really got across, which was good.

I explained that while I know now that I was good to him (she basically replied "damn straight" which pleased me), the whole thing had a profound impact on me.  That I don't like to be around people that much anymore, and I honestly prefer the company of dogs than I do people.  She said she thinks I beat myself up too much about it and asked if there are unresolved feelings.  I admitted that there probably are, but at the same time things have subsided in that I don't really think about him much anymore.  My focus has turned to work, though even that is terribly stressful and everything and thought patterns bleed into different areas of life.  I do wonder if that subsiding is more just the passage of time than anything else.  It probably also has a lot to do with my sessions with Nancy, which makes me much more self-aware of my destructive thoughts and unhealthy patterns.  But I don't have the dreams anymore either.

I know it had a significant impact; one that affects me still.  But it is better now than it once was.

(This was going to be longer but then I got sleepy.)