Man, I said I was going to return to regular posts here when I came back from LI, but I've been distracted thanks to my renewed interest in Supernatural.  Tumblr has kind of grabbed hold of me thanks to it.

I saw my psychiatrist again and from the things I've been telling him, he told me that he gets this sense that I feel as though I am in a caretaker role, in a way.  That I feel as though my own feelings do not matter and always come second to what everyone else wants.  I discussed how my eldest sister blamed me for my youngest sister not doing as well in her last semester of high school because she "had to listen to me cry every night" since it was the semester the ex broke up with me.  I explained how during my relationship I always pushed my own desires away so I could try and make him happy.  I recalled how, in high school, someone who once was my best friend got extremely upset with me because I wasn't being supportive enough of her, or showing her enough love, or something to that nature.  He asked me why I, even when I have valid points against others, don't always speak up.  Why I am not more selfish sometimes.  I feel guilty when I do.  It is a reflex.  I feel like a terrible person when I make someone sad or disappointed because I did something that I wanted.

Despite my not having said that I see myself as a caretaker, those things made him point it out, despite my being conscious of it.  Then he asked me again about my career, feeling as though this idea that my own desires don't matter is a theme throughout my life (really, going back to spn for a second, because I've been obsessed, I identify the most with Castiel for this particular reason).  He asked me if what I'm doing is because I don't know what else I would do at this point in my life.  He pointed out that I'm clearly not happy here and not happy at this point in time.

What do I want to do?  What do I like anymore?  It is hard to say.

I like fantasy worlds and fiction.  I like video games and the creation of beautiful places we can escape to.  But I also like mathematics and logical realities.  I like analyzing things that people normally aren't interested in looking closely at.  I like doing things that are different from others.

But I am afraid, at the same time.  People will claim they want you to be unique.  To be different and special and all that stuff.  They're lying, though.  When you start to do those things, they will fight against you and block you at every opportunity, and after a while, you're left a shell who no longer wishes to fight back because you're too tired.

And then you get to a point where you don't know what you want anymore.  Because is it something you want, or is it something that you think others want from you?