Stream

I was thinking about things on my walk with Callie (as I am prone to do) and figured I would just do some sort of stream-of-consciousness sort of thing.

I try to not be a selfish person.  I know sometimes I fail at that, but I really do try.  That is why when I was in a relationship, I never really asked for much.  I'm not the type to ask for anything material, really.  It's funny, the ex even at one point asked what he should get me since I neither wear nor like to wear jewelry.  I don't remember my exact response to that, but I probably just laughed and said he didn't need to get me anything.  When I go out, even if on a date, I usually try and demand to go dutch or even pay myself.  Which most people seem to find unusual, but I don't like to have one person pay for everything for me.

So, I translated this into my relationship.  I never asked for anything.  I never asked for presents or for jewelry or for stuff.

And I never asked for him to give up anything that he loved.  I never asked for him to stop playing fighting games.  There were times I was sad when he played them, both because I a) was jealous he had a talent and a passion such as that, and b) later on, I felt as if I was competing with them for his attention.  But I eventually tried to be more supportive.  I only went to one tournament, and I honestly did enjoy myself.  I liked watching him interact in his setting, and it was nice to just watch.  It was like going to a sporting event of a friend or one of my sisters: I did it to be supportive.  After the actual tournament ended, I became sad not because he wasn't paying attention to me, but because I felt out of place in that room with all those great players.  My own demons made me sad in that instance, and in many others.

But I never asked for much from him.  I never did, because there was only one thing I really wanted from him, and that was his love.  I wanted to spend more time with him and go out with him but it took a long time until I said anything because I felt bad asking for it.  Even though it was fair of me to ask.

I kept a lot of my problems quiet because I did not want to bother him with them.  He had his own issues; I could handle my own and his by myself.  He did not need that same burden.  For a long time, I was also in denial with my own sadness and my own self-hatred, which plagued my mind more often than not.  I had always been in denial, despite that perfectionism and self-hate characterizing almost my entire life.  Sadness would hit me at random points throughout my years, to a point where I thought dark thoughts first in my high school career.

Of course, that sadness exploded and took over after my breakup, because it reinforced all those thoughts tenfold (or more), and because I lost someone very dear to me.


Ending abruptly, but I am tired.