Once again I had some trouble falling asleep last night but I guess I am sort of awake now and everything.  Sort of.  And I handed back essays so those are done, so I have two weeks before I get another stack of those and I will want to kill everyone again.

My plan is to get a decent amount of work done at home but I don't know how realistic that will be, especially after Wednesday when people show up and everything.  But I guess if my parents are both working for Monday and Tuesday I can use that time to read and write and think of things that I need to get done and all.

Also I lied about being sort of awake I am dead ass tired and I know this class is not going to make it much better or anything.


I might try and grade the tests today and hand them back tomorrow but I also need to read Ender's Game (did I mention that we need to read that for game theory?) and come up with a game with my group by Friday and everything.  But I imagine reading the book will be more enjoyable than most of my other readings so maybe it will not be so bad in the end.

I also want to print out all my readings for when I come back and everything, because if I don't, I'm not going to want to when I get home and then that will hurt my chances of actually doing things that I need to do.

(Actually, I was going to write my last response for my IR class for the week when I get back but that is on Civil War, which I don't know anything about.  But the last week of classes is on public opinion, which might be a better topic for me to focus on.  We'll see.  Maybe I'll be able to do it over the break, even if that involves reading really far ahead.  And then I need to write two responses for Congress.  And I need to start really focusing on my final essays.  But if I get these reaction papers all out of the way this vacation then I won't have to worry about them when I come back and so I could just put all my energy into those final papers and all.)

Also I need to submit a poster proposal for Midwest sometime within the next two weeks.


I keep rereading things because I am an idiot who can't stop and everything.

Yesterday, I was talking about this weird tendency of mine to try and reach out for new connections but then realizing that not only does one not exist, it is not capable of existing simply because I do not have the mental capacity to try and do something real again with anyone.  Part of me lamented that fact: "he was able to do it...why can't I?"  But it was pointed out that that is anger talking, and it is better that I actually recognize my limitations in that category.  That despite my loneliness, I know it would not be right because I would be forcing something and then I would end up hurting someone and that is the last thing I want to do.  Because I understand what that feels like and everything.

And it was reiterated to me that my recognizing this is a strength; he has been bouncing from person to person because he does not really see this or realize what he is doing and is not aware of his actions and what they do to people.

Still though.  I sometimes wish I could do what he did.  And I only say sometimes because I also realize that doing that wouldn't actually make me happy.

And bouncing from person to person wouldn't make me think of him and what he did any less.