I'm feeling kind of weird today.  Like...okay, but not okay at the same time.  Maybe it is with my emotionless state that I feel kind of invincible right now.  In class, despite my not reading much, I dominated discussion and apparently made some good points, but I can't tell if it is because I'm actually feeling better than normal, or if it is my not really caring how I sound and not being self-conscious about the points I'm making (even when discussing something I know next to nothing about).

I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, so I will talk to him about some things and all.

And session with Nancy tomorrow, which is a good thing.  I still need to read some of the book she gave to me.  I skimmed through some of the chapters.  It is about learning to be self-compassionate and everything, which has always been excruciatingly difficult for me to do.  Despite my knowing, for example, that i didn't do anything wrong with the ex and while we were together and telling myself over and over that I deserve better, I still on some subconscious level, think things were my fault or that I somehow deserved what happened to me.  Because I can't wrap my head around, again, this idea that I did everything right and still achieving this...suboptimal outcome, so to say.  And I know it is because things are out of my control - I cannot control him or his emotions, despite my doing everything right and doing everything I could for him - but it is still hard for me to grasp that notion.  It is difficult for me to accept this...unfair reality.

I've been told I'm very logical in how I think, but that the world and our relationships with others are not always logical.  They are emotional.  They go beyond logic.

So self-compassion is difficult because I am always thinking about what I should have done.  I should have done this, or I should have done that.  If I stopped talking to the ex sooner maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty.  If I tried something else, I could have gotten him to stay.  But those thoughts are not fair.  I would have doubted those options then, and I didn't know then the things about him and about myself that I know now.

Fighting against the pattern of thoughts I have always had is really difficult, and sometimes it is so much so that I don't even do it.  It is less exhausting for me to just berate myself and succumb to my own dark thoughts than it is for me to fight.  And that is what people are afraid of me doing.  That if I continue to give up, I will break, physically and mentally.