Bigger and Smaller

While I am overall quite pleased to be home and everything, I can't help but dwell on something my mom said when I came home yesterday (after saying hi to me and everything of course).  After looking at Callie and then myself, she just said:

"She's bigger than when we last saw her.  She's bigger and you're smaller."

I played it off and shrugged nonchalantly, saying that I never notice her growing, and my dad remarked that it was because I see her everyday.  And to my own weight, I kind of just tried to highlight that I was wearing a pair of pants that were a size 4, so they were kind of big on me and everything.

But Nancy had said that too; she had told me that every week I got thinner and thinner, even though I never really noticed it.

I don't think I'm underweight...yet.  I do think I'm on that cusp, and I recall Nancy telling me that I will hit that if I don't start taking better care of myself and everything.

But...I don't know.  When I'm in Binghamton I just feel fucking listless all the time, and I'm almost sure that the actual emotion I feel right now (as opposed to the never-ending apathy) is a novelty from being home and with my parents and everything.  And my younger sister came home this weekend to work, so I was able to see her as well.  Plus the whole "saving the puppy" thing I did yesterday, which really did feel quite awesome, let me tell you.

It probably would disappear after some time, I imagine.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but it is usually what happens to me now, unfortunately.


Haven't received any sort of response, and I'm not really all that surprised, honestly.  I don't know why I keep thinking about it.

It kind of conveyed even more of my true emotion, rather than just the anger.

Because behind the anger is hurt and sorrow and disappointment and mistrust and that feeling of being rejected despite all your best efforts.

I mean, of course, anger is a driving force, but there are things even behind that, I guess.

Part of me still wants to see the light in him, so to say; I still do not want to believe I fell in love with a monster.  Which I know happens all the time to other people, but I do not want to believe that he is like that.  I struggle with that wanting him to really be the person I thought he was, and facing the seeming reality that he is the asshole who tricked me and then quickly tossed me aside when I was no longer convenient to keep around romantically.

I dunno.  I'm kind of rambling because I'm tired and stuff.