Callie chewed up my parents' couch while we were gone, despite being on a line and everything.  She has not gone after furniture, so I kind of don't understand, not to mention she didn't destroy anything when we were gone the other day...I don't know.  I'm going to try a muzzle now, actually.  I ordered one of those ones that looks like the muzzles they use on greyhounds when they race and stuff, so hopefully she just will not be able to chew anything when we are gone.  And maybe then I can try crate training her when no one is home; the muzzle should make it impossible for her to bite anything off if I choose to use zip-ties and stuff again.

I feel bad muzzling her, but I really am not sure what to do besides trying to get one of those military crates made of aluminum and training her with that.  But those are around $500, which I just do not have at the moment.  So this is my cheaper attempt.  If this fails, I might try something different.

My super last resort is to go to the doctor and get her medication to help her calm down.

Meh, I can't even take care of her well, can I?  She would've probably been better off with someone who has done this before.

It's funny that a few hours ago I had that whole post about her being my reason to hang on, and now I'm just thinking that anyone would be better for her than me.  I don't do enough with her, and I cannot help her anxiety.  I would never put her back in a shelter or anything, but...I don't know.


"You are an incredible person just as you are."

I don't believe that.

Incredible people aren't sad like me.  They aren't fucked up like me.  They don't isolate themselves from everyone and everything because they just can't connect with anything anymore.  They can talk to people about how they are feeling, and get over lost loves in a reasonable amount of time and do not dwell on them.  They forgive and forget, and understand things.  They are not cynical towards the world and not distrustful towards everyone.  They are comfortable with themselves, and they produce work that is worth reading and do not fuck around on the internet when they should work.  They are not apathetic towards everything they once loved, and they do not skip meals even though they know they should be eating.  They have motivation, rather than wanting to just sink more and more into the couch.  They cherish their memories, however painful they are.

I am not incredible.

I am broken.  A shell of the person I used to be.  Who was already messed up anyway.

Maybe I cannot be repaired after all.