On loneliness

I know I've said this previously, but sometimes I do wish that I could just...be physical with people without actually having a connection with them.  Really, I sometimes just want someone to cuddle with at night, but I know that that wouldn't actually satisfy me unless I really liked them.

Despite my awareness that I am still far away from being able to have that deep emotional and romantic connection again, I seek it out simply because I am very lonely.

Everyone around me seems to be in deep committed relationships.  My two best friends at school have their significant others, most other people in my cohort are married or engaged or at least have been with someone for a long ass fucking time.  My friend in South Korea found someone she is really into.  Really, sometimes it seems like Anisha is the only one I can truly share my bitterness with, simply because she is also single and somewhat bitter about it.

But having a significant other just for the sake of having one is against everything I believe and again, will not satisfy me emotionally.  It would just make things worse and complicated, and I would probably feel even more lonely than I normally do if that were to happen.  Perhaps not at first, but it would develop quickly.  At first, it would probably be great.  Like a band-aid placed over a gash that needs stitches at least.

I have no idea if that simile made any sort of sense.  It did in my head.

And after doing that stupid thing and seeing stupid statuses from back in 2011, I really do miss having someone who...appreciated me in that way.  Who would write stupid things for the world to see, because that is how much he loved me and wanted to brag about that.  And I know I usually complain about that stuff, but...it was nice, really (hypocritical, a bit, I know).  Plus the way he did it at times wasn't so much in people's face and the way he wrote things were true to his personality, and I enjoyed them.

Rambling.

And the guy from the Streetlight concert keeps texting me, and while I occasionally respond, I do so begrudgingly.  Not because he is a bad person or annoys me or anything of that nature.  No, it is simply because it takes so much effort for me because I don't feel anything.

I just want to feel something, really.  Even though I have acknowledged that that is not going to happen anytime soon.

Really, knowing me, it will probably be a very long time.  Like years-long.  It took me four years between the two intense connections I felt, with none really happening beforehand.  I should just be alright with that.  It isn't like I enjoy people's company too much anymore, really.  I've become a loner and a hermit, not wanting to converse with people most of the time.

So I complain about being lonely, and then feel fucking weird and awkward and uncomfortable when I'm around people.

I think that's why I enjoy concerts as much as I do: people surround me, but I do not need to go into any sort of conversation with them.  Plus, I feel less out of place among punk rock fans.  (I was described as a punk rock girl, recently, which is something I never thought would come to people's mind when thinking about me.  But I kind of (aka - really) liked it.  It was especially true for this person after describing that I want the World/Inferno tattoo and now I'm also thinking about a Streetlight one.  I might want to start with the Streetlight one, if I choose to get it, simply because it will be a lot smaller and therefore cheaper than the World/Inferno one.)

Bah, I don't know.  I'm all over the place, really.