In a weird way, I find it fascinating that I can be told so many things about how much people respect and like me and all I will think of is why, because I just do not see myself in the same light or the same fashion.

At the party yesterday, some of the first years say that the way that the professors talk to them about us makes it really obvious that I'm the "magnificent one" of my cohort.  Apparently.  Which just puzzles me because I can't see why they would think that, really.  I mean...it was nice to hear, I guess.  I just don't think I'm as good as other people seem to think.

"Just imagine what you could do if you weren't always self-doubting yourself."

Being told that made me pause and think.  Despite my apathy, I still get As.  Despite my emotionless state, I still participate in class.  I still try, even though I am in a mood where I don't think I should be.  I feel like I am on autopilot, just going through motions.  Yet, autopilot includes this sense of needing to do well in school.  But is that autopilot, or is it something that deep down, even if I can't hear it, is telling me that this is still important to me?  That it is some instinct that is telling me that no matter what happens, this is what I need to keep doing?

I honestly can't tell anymore.

I don't know if I have this weird thing where I think everyone is wrong or everyone is lying about them thinking positive things about me.  That might be just how I've always been, or it might be thoughts based around what the ex did...it is probably a combination of both of those.

I am supposed to be challenging my self-hating thoughts, but it is...really difficult for me to do so.  And part of me continues to say 'why bother' and everything.  That I've been trying to fight this depression ever since the ex dumped me, and really...even before that.  The self-hatred has always been there, and now coupled with the distrust and the hatred of anything resembling love has kind of just made me almost a hermit.  Really, the only reason I socialized this weekend was because I was forced to.  And I promised Nancy I would try, since she is really really concerned that I'm isolating myself from everyone.  I don't know if that's like...a first step or something.

I don't know.  I'm weird.

And tired, so maybe more on this another time.