Sleepless

I am right now in that unfortunate mode of being both exhausted and wide awake, and so, I'm having trouble falling asleep.  Thus, I should be at least trying to do work, but my mind is so tired that I can't really focus on that either.  Which sucks, because I have a fuck ton to do before Wednesday, and despite being productive today, I still feel as though I have not gotten nearly as much as I could have done.

And because I am in a mood of being tired and unable to sleep, I've just been browsing through old facebook pictures which is okay until I reach 2011.  For obvious reasons.

Speaking, I texted back that guy from the Streetlight concert, but more out of guilt than out of anything else.  There are too many people I have given my number too and then I just blow off, simply because I feel absolutely nothing towards them.  And I don't really mean to just blow off...it is just that any kind of responding feels more like a chore than something I actually am excited or want to do.  It makes me feel like I'm leading people on, simply because I really have no intention on doing anything with anyone for some time.  It isn't like I don't really want to?  The loneliness does get to me really hardcore, but...I am skeptical of everyone and I am still so preoccupied with the past that I am unable to open up to the future.  Which is bad, but I guess it is not much different from how I was before the ex.  Before the ex, I didn't really romantically connect with anyone.  I convinced myself that I liked people at points - as I have done since the ex left - because I started to become convinced that something was wrong with me.

And now I'm certain of that, so I don't even know if I should bother making the attempt.

Because I'm also terrified that if I do, I will give myself completely again and I will be betrayed again.  And I wonder if being alone is better than that risk, because of how horrible it has been since he left.  And I know it wouldn't have been as terrible if I didn't love him as much as I did and was convinced of a future that just was not real.

And despite people reiterating to me that now I know how he truly is, and how, with this new information, I would not want to be with him because of his asshole-ish tendencies, I still get very sad about him being gone.  Maybe because I remember the time when we were really happy and when he claimed to love me and everything.  And...I don't know.  It felt nice to have that romantic love and that trust that I don't really see in the future, and certainly not the foreseeable one.  (Meanwhile, he took less than a year to be with someone else officially.)

I say I'm sad about him being gone, because truly, I am.  I'm sad that the person I loved and knew is gone: the person I loved perhaps never even existed.  Of course, my sadness is derived also from all that happened post-breakup with him and the fact that he cannot really respond to any of my inquires with anything satisfactory or that shows he even understands what happened between us.  But...him being gone might be at the root of all that other sadness.

It is somewhat fitting that I write about this stuff today, and maybe the date is why he is on my mind as much as he is.  And it probably will not get much better after I fall asleep and wake up and everything.


A little more tired now.  Will try to sleep again.