At my session we talked about how I need to basically keep challenging my thinking and everything, though we acknowledged how difficult that is for me, since it never has been challenged.  I have trained myself, over many years, to berate myself and to just accept those self-defeating thoughts and everything.  So it id not easy for me to fight those thoughts genuinely.  Which is why the whole self-compassion thing seems extremely difficult.

She explained to me that in a way, I was better when I first went to her than I currently am.  That surprised me at first, but now I'm really not as shocked.  I think the exhaustion from constantly fighting this depression and my own thoughts has gotten to me, and this renewed lack of eating (not that it ever really got better, but it was better than it is now again) has just made everything worse.

We discussed the whole idea that I still subconsciously think that I could have done something else to save or fix my relationship.  Yet, I challenged that: first, I did everything I possibly could think about doing at the time to try and help him.  Second, I can't even think now about what that thing would be.  Third, I was already doing so much...is it really fair to tell myself that I could have done something more, when there is so evidence that he tried at all for me?  No.  No it isn't.

Really, I say these things to myself, and I write them, but jumping to truly believing them is the step I have not really been able to take.

I see things in a very black-and-white way.  I need to challenge that as well.  Life doesn't exist in black and white.  There is a lot of gray.