My session today gave me a lot to think about.

After being given a compliment (I was told I have a good sense of humour especially when I let myself be happy and joke), I turned away and said thanks sheepishly.  Then I was asked whether or not I liked getting compliments, and I responded that I never knew and never know how to respond to them.  Partly because of embarrassment but a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just...don't think it is true, usually.

Also, I was told that maybe it wasn't that the ex didn't really care about me or love me (which is the conclusion I have reached), but rather that his own problems and his own issues trumped any of that.  That although it is obvious that I did not give up and him and wanted nothing more than to help him and everything, I couldn't fix everything all on my own.

I said it is hard for me to accept that he actually cared about me.  Because I always jump to this idea that I, for some reason, was not worth trying for on his end.  That it seems as though he tried for his next official girlfriend more than he did me and that kind of hit me hard.  That he jumped from person to person and never really tried to help me or tried to keep us together or anything.

The asymmetry in effort I always attributed to asymmetries in how much we cared about each other.  But maybe that is a very black and white way of thinking.  

Not that this at all makes his actions excusable or justifiable.

But it is difficult for me to accept, really.

In addition, I was advised to really sit and think about things, because I need to decide what will help me believe that I deserve to be happy.  Because deep down, I still don't think that I do, it seems.


There's more to say, but I need to sleep since I have to teach in the morning.