Went to see Catching Fire with Anisha and her sister and some others and it was still excellent.  I just wish I was able to hang out with her by myself and everything, since I have some things that I wanted to talk about and everything.  But I was too tired after the movie to stay with her, and she has to pack and leave early and everything.

I just had those sad feels while on the way back...those lonely feelings that sometimes occur even though I am with people and everything.  And I wanted to talk to them but she didn't really seem like she wanted to talk all that much.

And I just do not want to go back to Binghamton tomorrow at all.  The thought of it is making me dread going to sleep and waking up and having to go and all.  I didn't get as much work done as I wanted to, but I should have figured that was going to happen.

Bah, I don't know.  I just feel empty, when I should not feel like that.


...Eventually I will post something about stuff.  Maybe.  I don't even know if it is worth it, because it just doesn't matter.  It never did, I guess.

Really, I don't know why I do not learn to stay the fuck away from posts on facebook from 2011.  Seriously.  Why.  Why do I torture myself so.

And I guess the difference between then and now is a big reason why I still feel worthless and everything.  Bah, I don't know.  I should listen to friend-formerly-known-as-guy.  I should.

But again, it doesn't matter, at this rate.  What happened doesn't matter.  I should have anticipated it and everything, I guess.

Meh.

I need to read more, but I really do not want to.  I just want to play more lawyers.  I'm on the third case and it pleases me.


Also stuffing is the best Thanksgiving food.  Seriously.

Turkey day was unexciting but fun nonetheless.  Watched movies and talked with people and played with doggies and made doggie sundaes and did not eat as much as everyone else but that is always true.  Plus, something I noticed was that when someone (I don't remember who it was exactly) started poking fun at me for eating so little, and that I should eat more, my mom said that I didn't have to, if I was full and everything.  Which I really appreciated, even if to her it seemed like a small gesture.


When I get back to Bing, I might meet a friend of a friend who is a girl and into the same stuff as me and I'm kind of excited and hope it all works out because I would really like having a girl friend at school and everything.  Yet I'm also nervous because I am awkward and shit always.  But it would be nice if things went well and everything.


Friend-formerly-known-as-guy has been really trying to cheer me up, reminding me that really, no one ever gets closure and everything.  And that sucks but exes being friends usually doesn't work, especially when the relationship was like one the ex and I had.  He then said:

"Allison.  You are hot.  And fun.  And a badass.  ... You deserve to never feel sad again.  So please.  Live your life without him.  ...  And move on to find someone amazing."

There were some other things between those sentences, but...I don't know.  Even though the ex even still says I'm awesome and shit, I just don't see it myself.  And for some reason, the ex saying it makes me feel more like it is not true than when friend says it.  I don't know if it is because ex betrayed me and was able to fall out of love with me easily and everything...or if it just a combination of that and my own self-hate.

He then told me, as the ex said, that I do matter, a lot.  And that so many people like me a lot.

And while the ex has said this, it feels more genuine coming from someone else, for some reason.  Even though I will probably forget it or not believe it pretty quickly.


Tired.  Super tired.  

So everyone is officially here.

And what is bad is that I don't really feel a thing.  Not the happiness that I felt when I first got down here, anyway.

Maybe it is due to the fact that I spent most of the day writing a paper that I truly this is a load of bullshit, and maybe some of it is still guilt over what happened to the couch and this feeling that my mom is still angry about it and now she and my dad won't like my pup as much.  Which I don't want, because she is really really good and sweet.  Just anxious when left alone...

I don't know.  The fact that I've been thinking about the thing I always think about and how it would be done even among family is kind of...well...I originally typed frightening but I deleted it because that is what it should be, but I just don't feel that way in reality.  It is kind of more...eh, so what?  It isn't like I don't think about that and its possible effects often, and those effects on others are really what deter me from doing much.

What is sad is that I really do feel like I don't matter.  Like I can be replaced, easily.  And I know people will tell me I do, but I just don't believe that.  I don't know why.  I don't know if it is because of what happened with the ex or because I have lost many friends over the years or because my older sisters got married or because I have become a loner and a hermit (in which case, my feeling like I don't matter is really self-destructive), or a combination of all these.  It is probably the combination.

And every time I want to tell someone the extent of my own self-hate and depression, I stop myself.  Because I do not want to put that burden on someone.  Yet at the same time, I want someone to recognize it, and reach out to help me...even if at the same time I know no one can do that.  And who the hell would even want to?  I tried to reach out to the ex when he was depressed because of my love for him, but no one loves me in that way.  And no one could, with me being this way.  And even if I was happier, it isn't like I ever had much luck in the romance department anyway.  The only difference is that back then, I was content with that.  Now it just makes me lonelier.

So I just continue on as if everything is fine.  And that's okay.

Sure, some people know I am taking medication and I am still seeing a therapist and everything, but...they don't know half of how bad it is, really.  And I am afraid of letting people know.  Because it is one thing to talk to Nancy about it: that is behind closed doors and is really not the same as telling a loved one that I think about what it would be like to not exist and that I often daydream about it.

Really, Callie is who I feel irreplaceable for.  And I'm not sure why, but...I just do.  Maybe it is a connection thing...I don't know.

Bah.  I'm just thinking, I guess.


Did you ever think that we'd be three steps from the ledge, 
Contemplating awful things and thinking about the end?
Nobody mentioned that the pieces wouldn't fit,
You can rearrange them all you want, but the puzzle it was rigged.

We swore we'd never stray, 
right before we went our separate ways.
And now we're looking back,
We're second guessing all the choices that we made. 

I probably should have done my research beforehand, since I just read a bunch of things telling me to not use a muzzle to stop destructive chewing.  Oops.  And I already bought the muzzle and everything.  I guess I could always return it or just keep it for possible immediate fixes or something.

So it is back to trying harder to crate train.  I just brought her crate downstairs and I put a bunch of treats in and she got in alright and everything.  That is a bit better than how she used to be; she used to not want to get in at all during the day.  Maybe getting older helps?  I don't know.

Of course, she might just be calm right now also because I am sitting with her, so I might want to do something where I leave her alone, but still listening to see if she is trying to escape or anything.

I might try and get her a sturdier crate for Christmas or something like that.  Those aluminium ones are looking really good, even if they are really pricey.  But it might be better to invest than just keep hoping she will get better on her own and stop chewing.  That won't necessarily stop her anxiety.

Bah, I feel like a terrible pet parent.

My own parents told me that I shouldn't worry about the couch since it wasn't my fault, but it really is.  Everything she does is my fault, especially if I should have tried to fix it by now and all.  I just want her to be loved and everything.  She is really good and sweet and playful...she just hates being left by herself and freaks out because of it.

She would be better off with someone else, really.  I'm trying.

I had an ex-related dream last night that I don't want to get into details over.  I'll just say it involved Friendly's and Wendy's and a good amount of driving around and stuff.

Also I am trying to write a reaction paper but because I suck at everything I cannot come up with a decent criticism to this theory and the introduction so far is a piece of shit and why do I even bother trying to do anything like this.  I'm never going to get published and I suck at teaching and I generally am just terrible at everything I try.

Bah, I know this is counter-productive to the whole self-compassion thing I am supposed to be doing, and I know I am supposed to challenge this sort of thinking but I just don't see the point right now.

I just want to play more Ace Attorney.  I'm enjoying the new girl and the new prosecutor is interesting.  And I love that the new detective is just as idiotic and manipulable as Gumshoe.

And I love that I found these comics again.  It describes AA4 so well.

Callie chewed up my parents' couch while we were gone, despite being on a line and everything.  She has not gone after furniture, so I kind of don't understand, not to mention she didn't destroy anything when we were gone the other day...I don't know.  I'm going to try a muzzle now, actually.  I ordered one of those ones that looks like the muzzles they use on greyhounds when they race and stuff, so hopefully she just will not be able to chew anything when we are gone.  And maybe then I can try crate training her when no one is home; the muzzle should make it impossible for her to bite anything off if I choose to use zip-ties and stuff again.

I feel bad muzzling her, but I really am not sure what to do besides trying to get one of those military crates made of aluminum and training her with that.  But those are around $500, which I just do not have at the moment.  So this is my cheaper attempt.  If this fails, I might try something different.

My super last resort is to go to the doctor and get her medication to help her calm down.

Meh, I can't even take care of her well, can I?  She would've probably been better off with someone who has done this before.

It's funny that a few hours ago I had that whole post about her being my reason to hang on, and now I'm just thinking that anyone would be better for her than me.  I don't do enough with her, and I cannot help her anxiety.  I would never put her back in a shelter or anything, but...I don't know.


"You are an incredible person just as you are."

I don't believe that.

Incredible people aren't sad like me.  They aren't fucked up like me.  They don't isolate themselves from everyone and everything because they just can't connect with anything anymore.  They can talk to people about how they are feeling, and get over lost loves in a reasonable amount of time and do not dwell on them.  They forgive and forget, and understand things.  They are not cynical towards the world and not distrustful towards everyone.  They are comfortable with themselves, and they produce work that is worth reading and do not fuck around on the internet when they should work.  They are not apathetic towards everything they once loved, and they do not skip meals even though they know they should be eating.  They have motivation, rather than wanting to just sink more and more into the couch.  They cherish their memories, however painful they are.

I am not incredible.

I am broken.  A shell of the person I used to be.  Who was already messed up anyway.

Maybe I cannot be repaired after all.

My Reason

I get very discouraged and I often want to succumb to terrible fantasies which tell me I should hurt myself. That if he could fall out of love with me so easily, anyone could, and therefore, I should not trust anyone. But he is an asshole. Who lied to me and made me feel special and made me feel loved when I wasn't.

I didn't deserve that. I don't deserve it. Even though a strong voice still tells me I do not matter.

But I matter to this girl right here. And she will be my reason for fighting against those bad thoughts.

I am still incredibly sad right now. I still feel sick and I still am unsatisfied with his explanations and his reasoning, but I will keep looking at her. And I will keep trying to remember that he is a terrible, awful human being who abused my trust and manipulated me throughout everything.

And it is better to be alone than with someone like him.

So the amount of self-loathing I feel right now is kind of off the charts and I don't really know what to do. 

What is wrong with me. 

I just don't matter, and I guess that is okay. 

Easily replaceable.  Easy to not love. 

That's okay. 

I realize this sounds melodramatic.  It isn't supposed to, but I know it comes across as that. 

I just wonder if I will overcome fear and guilt enough to do that thing that I think about every day. 

On loneliness

I know I've said this previously, but sometimes I do wish that I could just...be physical with people without actually having a connection with them.  Really, I sometimes just want someone to cuddle with at night, but I know that that wouldn't actually satisfy me unless I really liked them.

Despite my awareness that I am still far away from being able to have that deep emotional and romantic connection again, I seek it out simply because I am very lonely.

Everyone around me seems to be in deep committed relationships.  My two best friends at school have their significant others, most other people in my cohort are married or engaged or at least have been with someone for a long ass fucking time.  My friend in South Korea found someone she is really into.  Really, sometimes it seems like Anisha is the only one I can truly share my bitterness with, simply because she is also single and somewhat bitter about it.

But having a significant other just for the sake of having one is against everything I believe and again, will not satisfy me emotionally.  It would just make things worse and complicated, and I would probably feel even more lonely than I normally do if that were to happen.  Perhaps not at first, but it would develop quickly.  At first, it would probably be great.  Like a band-aid placed over a gash that needs stitches at least.

I have no idea if that simile made any sort of sense.  It did in my head.

And after doing that stupid thing and seeing stupid statuses from back in 2011, I really do miss having someone who...appreciated me in that way.  Who would write stupid things for the world to see, because that is how much he loved me and wanted to brag about that.  And I know I usually complain about that stuff, but...it was nice, really (hypocritical, a bit, I know).  Plus the way he did it at times wasn't so much in people's face and the way he wrote things were true to his personality, and I enjoyed them.

Rambling.

And the guy from the Streetlight concert keeps texting me, and while I occasionally respond, I do so begrudgingly.  Not because he is a bad person or annoys me or anything of that nature.  No, it is simply because it takes so much effort for me because I don't feel anything.

I just want to feel something, really.  Even though I have acknowledged that that is not going to happen anytime soon.

Really, knowing me, it will probably be a very long time.  Like years-long.  It took me four years between the two intense connections I felt, with none really happening beforehand.  I should just be alright with that.  It isn't like I enjoy people's company too much anymore, really.  I've become a loner and a hermit, not wanting to converse with people most of the time.

So I complain about being lonely, and then feel fucking weird and awkward and uncomfortable when I'm around people.

I think that's why I enjoy concerts as much as I do: people surround me, but I do not need to go into any sort of conversation with them.  Plus, I feel less out of place among punk rock fans.  (I was described as a punk rock girl, recently, which is something I never thought would come to people's mind when thinking about me.  But I kind of (aka - really) liked it.  It was especially true for this person after describing that I want the World/Inferno tattoo and now I'm also thinking about a Streetlight one.  I might want to start with the Streetlight one, if I choose to get it, simply because it will be a lot smaller and therefore cheaper than the World/Inferno one.)

Bah, I don't know.  I'm all over the place, really.

I did a thing.

A stupid, stupid thing.

Because I was curious about something, for some reason.

The only good thing is that I kind of don't...feel anything, even when looking at stuff.  It is that apathy, I suppose.

I am a colossal fucking idiot, though.

Bigger and Smaller

While I am overall quite pleased to be home and everything, I can't help but dwell on something my mom said when I came home yesterday (after saying hi to me and everything of course).  After looking at Callie and then myself, she just said:

"She's bigger than when we last saw her.  She's bigger and you're smaller."

I played it off and shrugged nonchalantly, saying that I never notice her growing, and my dad remarked that it was because I see her everyday.  And to my own weight, I kind of just tried to highlight that I was wearing a pair of pants that were a size 4, so they were kind of big on me and everything.

But Nancy had said that too; she had told me that every week I got thinner and thinner, even though I never really noticed it.

I don't think I'm underweight...yet.  I do think I'm on that cusp, and I recall Nancy telling me that I will hit that if I don't start taking better care of myself and everything.

But...I don't know.  When I'm in Binghamton I just feel fucking listless all the time, and I'm almost sure that the actual emotion I feel right now (as opposed to the never-ending apathy) is a novelty from being home and with my parents and everything.  And my younger sister came home this weekend to work, so I was able to see her as well.  Plus the whole "saving the puppy" thing I did yesterday, which really did feel quite awesome, let me tell you.

It probably would disappear after some time, I imagine.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but it is usually what happens to me now, unfortunately.


Haven't received any sort of response, and I'm not really all that surprised, honestly.  I don't know why I keep thinking about it.

It kind of conveyed even more of my true emotion, rather than just the anger.

Because behind the anger is hurt and sorrow and disappointment and mistrust and that feeling of being rejected despite all your best efforts.

I mean, of course, anger is a driving force, but there are things even behind that, I guess.

Part of me still wants to see the light in him, so to say; I still do not want to believe I fell in love with a monster.  Which I know happens all the time to other people, but I do not want to believe that he is like that.  I struggle with that wanting him to really be the person I thought he was, and facing the seeming reality that he is the asshole who tricked me and then quickly tossed me aside when I was no longer convenient to keep around romantically.

I dunno.  I'm kind of rambling because I'm tired and stuff.

Adventures in Puppying

So I am waiting for Ace Attorney to download so I can play it and I am really excite for it.  I think I'm taking all day today off and I'll try and do a ton of work tomorrow through Wednesday, since Wednesday is when people are going to be here and I'll never get anything done.

Alright, story time:

So roommate and I stopped at the North Shore Animal League on our way home, because he wanted to look at the pups there.  I originally wanted to bring Callie in so she could meet whoever he might want, but I was told I couldn't bring her in (and it might have been because a lot of the dogs inside didn't have their vaccinations or anything).

She and I walked around and visited the shop the was across the street and was affiliated with the shelter.  He had texted me basically saying he found the one and I was excited for him, and he went out to watch Callie so I could run inside and meet him too.  And he is such a tiny and cute little thing!  (I think he'll get between 40-50 pounds, personally; I don't think he will be as big as Callie is.)  So I went out an said I loved him, and Brendan went back in to fill out the application.  But then some time later, he called me and said that they turned him down.  Really, he sounded just upset and really fucking defeated.  I got kind of angry and asked why, and he said that it was because they said that since he does not have a full time job, they would not adopt to him.  I felt almost insulted; what we do is definitely a full time job, even if we are not always in the office and everything.  He said he wasn't sure what to do or what to say, because he just couldn't explain to this girl what we do and have her believe that we really actually do work full time and everything.  So he asked me to come in, saying that he did not care if Callie chewed up his seatbelts or anything, since he really wanted this dog.

He had the moment, like what I had with Callie.  I kept telling him that it would happen, so I'm really happy that it did!

While I was nervous about leaving Callie alone in the car, I did, opening the windows a bit and leaving a light on and a toy with her (she also got into all the treats I had just bought, which was okay) and ran through to get to him.  We waited in line and he was so upset and I just said that I would help him and I would try my hardest to convince them to change their mind.  So we got up and we ended up getting a different person.  And I turned on the sales charm and got stupid friendly and everything (and, not to be stereotypical, but it was a guy, and he immediately liked me and all).  So I basically did all the talking and explained to him what we do, and told him that we get a salary and do not have tuition payments or anything.  I also made sure he knew that I already have a dog and then I also talked about the neighbourhood and how great everyone was and all the pups that lived nearby.

The guy seemed more convinced, but he said that he would need to see a paystub to make sure and everything.  Again, roommate got kind of exasperated, because all his paystubs were in Binghamton, so he didn't have any.  I at first offered for him to see one of mine (which I had been using as a bookmark for Ender's Game), but he pointed out that it wouldn't work because it was mine and not his, which makes sense.  So then I suggested online banking; maybe showing the repeated payments in the bank account would work.  And we at first tried mobile: roommate took my phone since his wasn't working, and tried logging in.  His hands were shaking, and I could tell he was still freaking out.  But my battery was draining, and so the guy offered us to show on his computer.  And that ended up working!  He approved him, but then they just needed to call references, but I helped get roommate over that crucial first hurdle, and I was really happy that it ended up working.

Roommate was really grateful, and thanked me for staying with him and helping and everything.  He said that if I was not there and everything, he wouldn't even have a puppy right now, because he would have just given up.

I was really happy I was able to help him and everything.  I really really was.

It made me feel needed.  And like I mattered.

It was nice.


Home, also, has so far been great to me.

Download finished, so I'm going to get on that.

Home

So I will give details tomorrow when I'm not as tired and everything, but I got home safely and if it was not for me, roommate would not have gotten his puppy and that kind of made me feel good because it made me feel needed and like I did something worthwhile and that maybe I don't suck as much as I think.  

But yeah, roommate finally found the puppy he wanted and I was a key part in obtaining him because they originally denied his application and I went in and basically persuaded otherwise and gave ideas on how to verify who we worked for and that he had a steady income and all. 

So that, again, felt really good for me to be able to help with.  The puppy is, by the way, super adorable and Callie seemed to like him!  Though she will like him better when he gets bigger.  Right now he is still a baby so she can't really play with him as much as she can with bigger dogs and everything. 

Again, I'll give more deets when I don't feel like I'm about to fall asleep while typing. 

Catching Fire

Was so good.  Holy hell they did a great job, I think.  Especially with adhering to the book and everything.

I am beyond tired right now but that was so enjoyable.  Everyone did a great job in acting as the characters and everything.

And I swear - and I know this sounds fangirly and everything and kind of stupid - I hope I meet someone half as wonderful as Peeta Mellark.  Seriously.  Someone who is so kind and committed and loving and just cares about others.

It would be nice.


Bedtime.

I have not gone out with the department to the bar after workshops in over a month, simply because I don't really enjoy bars anymore.  Sitting there watching everyone else drink and socialize and be happy and whatnot...I don't know.  I'm not in the mood to socialize, usually, and I don't really drink anymore because of medication and because I just get really depressed and everything when I drink.  Usually I'm okay with one, but people like to stay for a long time and I just get very meh after a bit.  

Not to mention I always feel bad going to the bar immediately after workshop simply because Callie has been home all day by herself and I don't want to leave her home alone for much longer and all. 

Or maybe I'm just using her as an excuse to not go out and socialize and stuff. 

At least I get to see Catching Fire later tonight.  Even if I am incredibly tired right now.  I'll need to put my buncha crunch in the fridge so they get cold, because that is when they are the best.  

And I do get to go home tomorrow too, so that is good.  

I know I keep dropping things about the usual stuff and I really want to have another whole post on it or a vid or something but I am so tired that even that seems exhausting and everything.  Not that anything I would say would be radically different anyway. 

It just helps me sometimes, you know?  

"Also don't you dare think less of yourself."

"I've always thought highly of you."

"You're smart.  You're determined.  And I don't think you realize how much everyone respects you.  [Two of the first years] look up to you.  [Professor] thinks very highly of you."

"You're awesome.  So of course I keep in my head stuff I can do for you.  Both to cheer you up, and because hopefully we're friends."


Friend-formerly-known-as-guy really does cheer me up a lot.  He says very nice things to me, and realizes exactly when I'm feeling down and particularly full of self-loathing and all.


Also so many cookies.  SO MANY.

Cookies

I might be getting sick.

I just feel really warm and everything, though I did go to Applebee's with group to discuss what we need to do with Ender's Game.  I didn't finish, but I am close to the end.  It just didn't grip me as much as I wanted it to.  I don't dislike it...I just didn't get into it and I didn't really develop an emotional attachment to any of the characters in particular.

Also this cookie clicking game is addicting for some reason.

But yeah my face is warm and I just feel both hot and cold and I know that doesn't make sense but it is weird.


Talked with doctor today, and he says he thinks it is good that I at least can have fun when I go to concerts and stuff, and also thinks it would be good for me to get away from Binghamton for some time.


...I was going to write more, but...I'm clicking cookies.

I feel like I'm a zombie.

Just kind of going through motions and all.  It is almost surreal, actually.  It's as though I barely exist and I'm just kind of a shell, if that makes sense.  I don't know if it does or not.

Even reading a book that is enjoyable and fiction and all seems like a daunting task that I just do not want to deal with at all.

It's funny; I feel as though I have a lot of shit I want to say, but I can't really put them into words or anything like that.  And most of the things on my mind are about emails and the ex and stupid shit that I wish I could purge my memory of because it just hurts too fucking much anymore.

I can't even look through my fucking pictures from London without getting sad because I suck that much.

Meh, I've just been down since I came back from the concert.  It's like a post-Streetlight low and everything, which...makes sense I guess.  To go from a place where I felt like I belonged and felt like I mattered - for some reason - in some way and that things really aren't as bad as they seem...and then return to my mundane reality...I don't know.  It just kind of sucks.

I think that is partially why people keep telling me that I need to get out of Binghamton for a while.  

I should be reading Ender's Game but I'm instead watching SVU and relaxing next to Callie.  We went to the park before because it has been a while since I was able to take her, so I decided that today might be good.

It is bad that I don't feel really bad for not doing the response for today.  I'll just write two more before the semester ends and that will be the end of it, I suppose.

I'm really just done.  With everything, really.


I keep looking at my inbox.

And I keep thinking about things.

And then playing games and stuff to distract myself from thinking about things.


Sad.

Don't really know what to write.

Once again I had some trouble falling asleep last night but I guess I am sort of awake now and everything.  Sort of.  And I handed back essays so those are done, so I have two weeks before I get another stack of those and I will want to kill everyone again.

My plan is to get a decent amount of work done at home but I don't know how realistic that will be, especially after Wednesday when people show up and everything.  But I guess if my parents are both working for Monday and Tuesday I can use that time to read and write and think of things that I need to get done and all.

Also I lied about being sort of awake I am dead ass tired and I know this class is not going to make it much better or anything.


I might try and grade the tests today and hand them back tomorrow but I also need to read Ender's Game (did I mention that we need to read that for game theory?) and come up with a game with my group by Friday and everything.  But I imagine reading the book will be more enjoyable than most of my other readings so maybe it will not be so bad in the end.

I also want to print out all my readings for when I come back and everything, because if I don't, I'm not going to want to when I get home and then that will hurt my chances of actually doing things that I need to do.

(Actually, I was going to write my last response for my IR class for the week when I get back but that is on Civil War, which I don't know anything about.  But the last week of classes is on public opinion, which might be a better topic for me to focus on.  We'll see.  Maybe I'll be able to do it over the break, even if that involves reading really far ahead.  And then I need to write two responses for Congress.  And I need to start really focusing on my final essays.  But if I get these reaction papers all out of the way this vacation then I won't have to worry about them when I come back and so I could just put all my energy into those final papers and all.)

Also I need to submit a poster proposal for Midwest sometime within the next two weeks.


I keep rereading things because I am an idiot who can't stop and everything.

Yesterday, I was talking about this weird tendency of mine to try and reach out for new connections but then realizing that not only does one not exist, it is not capable of existing simply because I do not have the mental capacity to try and do something real again with anyone.  Part of me lamented that fact: "he was able to do it...why can't I?"  But it was pointed out that that is anger talking, and it is better that I actually recognize my limitations in that category.  That despite my loneliness, I know it would not be right because I would be forcing something and then I would end up hurting someone and that is the last thing I want to do.  Because I understand what that feels like and everything.

And it was reiterated to me that my recognizing this is a strength; he has been bouncing from person to person because he does not really see this or realize what he is doing and is not aware of his actions and what they do to people.

Still though.  I sometimes wish I could do what he did.  And I only say sometimes because I also realize that doing that wouldn't actually make me happy.

And bouncing from person to person wouldn't make me think of him and what he did any less.

I finally managed to finish grading these papers and I can't tell if I was fair or not but I'm also not in the mode of caring all that much about it, really.

Though I ended up not writing the paper for Congress, simply because this really was not a week I wanted and I had no idea what to respond to in this book.  I sent him an email about it, because I got confused with respect to the weeks and everything, and I really don't think I was meant to be assigned this week.  I'll talk to him tomorrow and see.  I'll do my final papers for that class over the break, I'm hoping.  I don't think he will care all that much.  What is the point in writing something when I have no interest in responding to it and don't exactly know what to say anyway?


I've been incredibly tired and scatterbrained all day.  And sad.  Very sad.  Like just wanting to curl up under blankets and watch tv to get my mind off things sad.

But I kind of expected that given the date and everything, I suppose.  And being unable to sleep.  And being super stressed with all the work I have to do and all.

Really, I just want to go home.

Nancy even said that it might be best for me to spend most of my winter break away from Binghamton.  That I could use a change and I could use some time to just spend on myself and "put myself first" and everything like that, since I still have an extremely difficult time doing that and all.

Not going to lie, I wish plane tickets to London were not so expensive, because I would gladly just hop on a plane and head over there for a week by myself.

Then again, London even brings back memories.  But I wonder if my love for London would be able to overpower my anger at and disappointment in him.

Sleepless

I am right now in that unfortunate mode of being both exhausted and wide awake, and so, I'm having trouble falling asleep.  Thus, I should be at least trying to do work, but my mind is so tired that I can't really focus on that either.  Which sucks, because I have a fuck ton to do before Wednesday, and despite being productive today, I still feel as though I have not gotten nearly as much as I could have done.

And because I am in a mood of being tired and unable to sleep, I've just been browsing through old facebook pictures which is okay until I reach 2011.  For obvious reasons.

Speaking, I texted back that guy from the Streetlight concert, but more out of guilt than out of anything else.  There are too many people I have given my number too and then I just blow off, simply because I feel absolutely nothing towards them.  And I don't really mean to just blow off...it is just that any kind of responding feels more like a chore than something I actually am excited or want to do.  It makes me feel like I'm leading people on, simply because I really have no intention on doing anything with anyone for some time.  It isn't like I don't really want to?  The loneliness does get to me really hardcore, but...I am skeptical of everyone and I am still so preoccupied with the past that I am unable to open up to the future.  Which is bad, but I guess it is not much different from how I was before the ex.  Before the ex, I didn't really romantically connect with anyone.  I convinced myself that I liked people at points - as I have done since the ex left - because I started to become convinced that something was wrong with me.

And now I'm certain of that, so I don't even know if I should bother making the attempt.

Because I'm also terrified that if I do, I will give myself completely again and I will be betrayed again.  And I wonder if being alone is better than that risk, because of how horrible it has been since he left.  And I know it wouldn't have been as terrible if I didn't love him as much as I did and was convinced of a future that just was not real.

And despite people reiterating to me that now I know how he truly is, and how, with this new information, I would not want to be with him because of his asshole-ish tendencies, I still get very sad about him being gone.  Maybe because I remember the time when we were really happy and when he claimed to love me and everything.  And...I don't know.  It felt nice to have that romantic love and that trust that I don't really see in the future, and certainly not the foreseeable one.  (Meanwhile, he took less than a year to be with someone else officially.)

I say I'm sad about him being gone, because truly, I am.  I'm sad that the person I loved and knew is gone: the person I loved perhaps never even existed.  Of course, my sadness is derived also from all that happened post-breakup with him and the fact that he cannot really respond to any of my inquires with anything satisfactory or that shows he even understands what happened between us.  But...him being gone might be at the root of all that other sadness.

It is somewhat fitting that I write about this stuff today, and maybe the date is why he is on my mind as much as he is.  And it probably will not get much better after I fall asleep and wake up and everything.


A little more tired now.  Will try to sleep again.

I have been really sad today, which is not different from most days, I suppose.  It just sucks, again as I said, that I went from the high of this weekend back to this terrible feeling which makes me just want to lay on the couch and wrap myself in blankets and do absolutely nothing.  Which I cannot afford to do this week at all.

This sort of mentality and everything has actually gotten me somewhat worried: usually before class, my professors ask if we have any professional questions.  So, today, I inquired as to whether or not, when you go on the market, if they can get your medical history and then choose based on that.  And while I was pretty sure that is illegal, I just wanted...to double check.

Really I keep wanting to drop hints at "hey look I just feel awful all the time so please don't be mad at me if I can't do some things on time or sometimes act like I don't give a fuck about anything."  But at the same time...meh.


...I ought to get to grading things.

Also some good news: it was my charger that was the problem, so I got a new one and now things are good.  Huzzah.


Also tomorrow.  It is bad that the thought of tomorrow, like last year, still makes my stomach churn.  It shouldn't.  I already endured this date last year but it still doesn't feel as though it has gotten better or much easier, even though it should.  Ha.  I suck, with this bullshit.  Why do I have to acknowledge its existence and let it get to me.

Pics

Can't I go back? Seriously. These sad feels are kind of destroying me right now.

Computer Problems

So I need to wake up early tomorrow and see if and where I can get my computer checked out because it isn't recognizing the charger and so I can't really use it. I'm hoping a wire in the charger just snapped, because then it is a relatively easy fix, and all I need to do is get a new one. However, a part of me is worried it is the port, and I really hope that isn't the case. I'm kind of annoyed; my laptop and its accessories are not even 2 years old yet. But I guess shit happens sometimes.

I haven't done any of my work today, really. It is bad because I neither want to do any nor care enough to do it.

For some reason, he has been on my mind hardcore since I actually came home. To the point where a part of me has been really tempted to unblock his fb page but I'm trying to fight that urge because it is a terrible terrible idea.

I am just frustrated; how can I allow thoughts of him to permeate my mind so much right after I was able to have a great weekend and everything with a friend? How? And why? Why does this still happen? I'm sure it is not the same on his end. I probably do not enter his mind and make him sad in the same fashion he does me.

It is funny; many people constantly tell me how important I am and how much they love me. I'm told that I'm awesome and that I'm fun and funny and a whole bunch of other good things. Hell, even after I've described how I was in terms of being a girlfriend, people expressed that I was really good in that department. But despite all this, I just don't believe it myself. Partially because I never have, and partially because he once said all those things to me too. He once said all that, and that he wouldn't leave me, and that he loved me and cared about me more than anyone.

So I am skeptical of people who say those things. Because I wonder when it will stop being true for them, as it stopped for him, and they will also leave.

Bah. I don't know how I've had a 180 mood swing from before to now. It is as though I was in some sort of fantasy that I've been sucked out of. And now I'm back to reality.

And I just want to return to the fantasy.

I returned home to Binghamton about an hour ago and I am a little sad now, simply because I am away from Streetlight and away from a place that I really feel like I belong and I'm back to having to do work and that apathy hit me so suddenly and everything.

Friday and Saturday were both absolutely incredible and I will post pictures at some point.  Once again someone got my number and I feel bad now because while my intentions were good at the time, I now feel no desire or need to respond to his texts or anything.  I feel bad, but I just...that is my emotion towards practically everyone, at this rate.

I don't know why I bother giving it out, since I just don't want to respond to anyone, really.

Though concerts are really where I feel at home.  It is strange, but they really are where I feel most comfortable.  They are where I actually feel alive and like my life matters.  It is weird, because all I really am is a face in a crowd of fans, but I still get this overwhelming feeling of warmth and belonging which I rarely feel anymore.

Although Tomas' solo show is on a Sunday during finals time, I really am thinking about trying to go, simply because I want that feeling back.  It is almost like a high, dragging me away from the emptiness and sadness I normally feel.


I'm also thinking about doing something really stupid but it is kind of nagging me, since something made my stomach drop.  Also, nothing yet.

Thank You Streetlight

The chant of the night.

Thank you, Streetlight Manifesto, for giving me so many good memories and for helping me through bad times. You have done that more than a few times.

And since, as you said, you are not done (just done for now), I will be waiting. Until next time.

Night 1

I will go into more details later and more pics in a different post but right now, just have this picture of me and know that I feel like I stepped out in the pouring rain. Gross, yet awesome.

Also, I was described as being very tough aha. I appreciated.

Stream

I was thinking about things on my walk with Callie (as I am prone to do) and figured I would just do some sort of stream-of-consciousness sort of thing.

I try to not be a selfish person.  I know sometimes I fail at that, but I really do try.  That is why when I was in a relationship, I never really asked for much.  I'm not the type to ask for anything material, really.  It's funny, the ex even at one point asked what he should get me since I neither wear nor like to wear jewelry.  I don't remember my exact response to that, but I probably just laughed and said he didn't need to get me anything.  When I go out, even if on a date, I usually try and demand to go dutch or even pay myself.  Which most people seem to find unusual, but I don't like to have one person pay for everything for me.

So, I translated this into my relationship.  I never asked for anything.  I never asked for presents or for jewelry or for stuff.

And I never asked for him to give up anything that he loved.  I never asked for him to stop playing fighting games.  There were times I was sad when he played them, both because I a) was jealous he had a talent and a passion such as that, and b) later on, I felt as if I was competing with them for his attention.  But I eventually tried to be more supportive.  I only went to one tournament, and I honestly did enjoy myself.  I liked watching him interact in his setting, and it was nice to just watch.  It was like going to a sporting event of a friend or one of my sisters: I did it to be supportive.  After the actual tournament ended, I became sad not because he wasn't paying attention to me, but because I felt out of place in that room with all those great players.  My own demons made me sad in that instance, and in many others.

But I never asked for much from him.  I never did, because there was only one thing I really wanted from him, and that was his love.  I wanted to spend more time with him and go out with him but it took a long time until I said anything because I felt bad asking for it.  Even though it was fair of me to ask.

I kept a lot of my problems quiet because I did not want to bother him with them.  He had his own issues; I could handle my own and his by myself.  He did not need that same burden.  For a long time, I was also in denial with my own sadness and my own self-hatred, which plagued my mind more often than not.  I had always been in denial, despite that perfectionism and self-hate characterizing almost my entire life.  Sadness would hit me at random points throughout my years, to a point where I thought dark thoughts first in my high school career.

Of course, that sadness exploded and took over after my breakup, because it reinforced all those thoughts tenfold (or more), and because I lost someone very dear to me.


Ending abruptly, but I am tired.

I've been forcing myself to stay in the office to do work, and I really think I've gotten more done in the past hour and a half than I have all fucking week.  The other thing is that I need to be in a very specific place to get work done: my own desk in my own office actually doesn't usually make me very productive.  I need to sit in a specific desk in the computer lab.  I don't know if it is because this is the room where I completed all my finals or did a good chunk of game theory and stats homeworks, but...I am always way more productive in this room than anywhere else.

Have a presentation for game theory tomorrow, so I'm trying to do things for that.  I am probably going to leave by like...four or so though so that I can go shopping (I swear I will today.......maybe.  Maybe.).

Luckily I am done with a large chunk of it, and now I'm just running through the chapter I need to present and I'm hoping that the rest of this will be relatively easy and everything.  Writing notes right now and I'm going to put together some slides for a presentation and then combine them with my partner's and all.


Streetlight concerts tomorrow.  I really wish I was able to go tonight also, but that would require I skip game theory tomorrow (or go back and forth and back again), which can't happen.


Trying to not think about things so much today so I can focus on getting work done.  I know that I was told that I really do need to stop distracting myself so much and everything, but.  Oh well.  Work needs to get done for the time being.

So instead of coming home and doing work and going food shopping like I had originally planned...I finished Dream Drop Distance.  And now I'm anxious for Kingdom Hearts III.  Seriously.  I forgot how much I really do enjoy that series and everything.  I also didn't care enough to do the work that I was supposed to do.  Eh.

I am hoping that finishing it will give me fewer distractions, but there is also Ace Attorney and I kind of would like to get that.  Maybe I can at least hold off until Thanksgiving.


Still not feeling very well.  I originally wanted to talk about stuff but I am feeling bad and I guess I responded with something and all.  Eh.

My session today gave me a lot to think about.

After being given a compliment (I was told I have a good sense of humour especially when I let myself be happy and joke), I turned away and said thanks sheepishly.  Then I was asked whether or not I liked getting compliments, and I responded that I never knew and never know how to respond to them.  Partly because of embarrassment but a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just...don't think it is true, usually.

Also, I was told that maybe it wasn't that the ex didn't really care about me or love me (which is the conclusion I have reached), but rather that his own problems and his own issues trumped any of that.  That although it is obvious that I did not give up and him and wanted nothing more than to help him and everything, I couldn't fix everything all on my own.

I said it is hard for me to accept that he actually cared about me.  Because I always jump to this idea that I, for some reason, was not worth trying for on his end.  That it seems as though he tried for his next official girlfriend more than he did me and that kind of hit me hard.  That he jumped from person to person and never really tried to help me or tried to keep us together or anything.

The asymmetry in effort I always attributed to asymmetries in how much we cared about each other.  But maybe that is a very black and white way of thinking.  

Not that this at all makes his actions excusable or justifiable.

But it is difficult for me to accept, really.

In addition, I was advised to really sit and think about things, because I need to decide what will help me believe that I deserve to be happy.  Because deep down, I still don't think that I do, it seems.


There's more to say, but I need to sleep since I have to teach in the morning.

First Snowfall

So she absolutely loves the snow and couldn't get enough of it. It was adorable and I wish I was able to just let her run in it. Maybe later if I'm feeling up to it I will take her to the park or something.

In other news, that response didn't actually respond to anything I said. Eh.

All day I have felt as if I was going to throw up and so I have not eaten anything other than a small snack when I came home but I know I should try to eat something even though it is nine.  Because of that I skipped out on going to get food and drinks with some people and I am okay with that. 

The other reason I decided to skip out is because if I could avoid spending any more time with roommate's girlfriend, the better.  She is seriously just getting worse and worse with the whole jealousy thing, to the point where my other roommate has called her obsessive.  Which captures it entirely, I think.  Even when he and I are just walking next to each other, she feels the need to push in between us and I kind of want to smack her but I know that I can't do that.  

Honestly the only thing that keeps me from saying anything about this to her or to roommate is because I do not want him to feel weird.  I just don't want him to leave and not want to hang out with me because she can't get over this petty jealousy. 

I really want to tell her that if I wanted to get with him, I would have already done it.  He's like a brother to me, at this point.  He was never an option for me, so I never saw him in that light.  

Bah.  I know I shouldn't care, but it is really fucking awkward whenever she is here and I hate it. 

I was rereading some old entries from back in March, and...the amount of emotion I feel like I have in those in comparison to the last two months or so is kind of astounding.  To be fair, much of that emotion was deep sadness, but there seemed to be more feelings and more volatility in those feelings, whereas now I just kind of write with a sort of "meh" quality.  Because that is how I feel all the time.  Which is why some of these entries seem to get repetitive. 

Been almost a month.  Not surprising. 

So Thor 2 is amazing and everyone should go see it and I adore Loki too much why is he so perfect.  He's such a good villain and he makes everything even more interesting, seriously.


In other news: I was talking with roommate about the Streetlight concert on the way over, and apparently his girlfriend was unaware that he and I are going together with no one else.  She asked if anyone else was going and there was this awkward silence for a few seconds before I realized that maybe I should have kept my mouth shut (honestly I didn't think that it would be a surprise) so I tried to save it.  I talked about how I invited other people but they didn't get the tickets in time and everything.

I could feel the rage seething from the back seat of Cornelius.

Maybe it is weird to me because when I was in a relationship, I trusted so much that when the ex asked if I would be okay if his ex stayed over on his couch I said that it'd be fine and I honestly meant that.  Because I trusted him and knew they were still friends and whatnot.  All that jazz.  So this sort of thing seems kind of weird to me.

I'm going to try to not let it bother me too much.  It is her problem, not mine.  Nothing is going to happen, and she should realize that by now.

I did something kind of stupid and made myself sad.  Which is the story of my life but whatever.


Also the fact that the fantasies I have no longer worry me is probably...cause for me to worry.

Not that I will or do.

I actually finished and sent in my response paper a few hours ago so I have been able to just relax and play Kingdom Hearts for a while.  While I did grade two papers, and I recognize that I should grade more, I just kind of wanted to play after working so much on Friday and yesterday.  I might start the book I need to read for Wednesday, which should be a quick read since I've read it once before already last semester.  I might also read some more of the self-compassion book, since that is necessary and everything too. 

Though I really would like to keep playing Kingdom Hearts, since I have a feeling I'm close to the end.  Woo.  

Seeing Thor 2 tonight, which should be fun.  I haven't gone to the movies in some time, so this should be good.  

Only thing is that roommate's girlfriend unexpectedly (to me, anyway; other roommate knew about it) showed up yesterday and I was surprised just because she was here last weekend and everything.  I just...bah, I just don't like her so I wish she wasn't coming with us to the movie.  Well, that and also the fact that both my roommates will have their significant others with them and I'll be there with them all fifth-wheel like.  Which is always a hell of a fucking fun time. 

November is always a weird month for me.  

I'm in this weird state that feels like limbo.  Or like a calm before the storm.  I haven't felt really bad, but I also haven't felt really good either.  I feel like I'm...preparing for something terrible.  If that makes sense.  Like I'm not terrible at the moment, but soon that horrible feeling will overwhelm and consume me.  

I would say it is kind of scary, but like always, I just don't really care about it. 

Speaking of not caring about things, I had to force myself to eat since I have not been hungry at all today.  I did eat some lunch and now just ate dinner so I think I'm actually okay on the food front today.  

I just feel like I'm going through motions, and any emotion I express is fake and forced and even if I act happy I don't really feel that way.  

Really, I just feel alone and lonely but I also don't trust people enough to go out and meet them.  Not that anyone should have to deal with me how I am and everything.  No one should have to deal with my apathy and depression and emotionlessness.  

...I didn't mean for this to become self-defeating.  

Sacrifices

I said I was going to write a feels/emails-related entry so this is my attempt at it because I just have a bunch of jumbled up thoughts in my head and I should probably try to expel them.  Oh I also did finish a first draft of my response before so I was able to play Kingdom Hearts for a while.  So yay.  I'll edit that tomorrow and finally start in on grading the undergrads' essays, which I have been procrastinating on since I really just neither want nor care enough to do it.

Anyway.

I keep thinking about how the ex claims that he really did try to make us a priority and whatnot.  And the reason I don't believe him - well...besides his track record when it comes to not telling me the truth and also his inconsistent stories and whatnot - is because nothing that he did is visible.  He can claim forever that he tried, but it will never measure up to how hard I tried, because the things that I did were actually real.  I made him and us a priority.  When he played fighting games all the time, even when I visited after I graduated, I barely complained, despite always feeling like I was competing with them for his attention and affection, in a way.  I paid for most things after a while because I realized that he didn't have much money, and I had a job again.  Therefore, I was happy to pay for things if it just meant spending time with him.  I gave him space when he needed and wanted it.  I didn't say much when he would social host the night I came to visit, despite the fact that I pretty much hated a bunch of people in his frat.  I gave up my search for London, because memories of him crying and telling me how much he would miss me and how sad we would be crushed me.  And him pretty much saying that if I left, we would not survive...that scared me.  Because I wanted things to work.  Because I loved him, even with his flaws.  I really tried to do things that would help his situation, because I did not want to lose him.

The things I did I could list, and I am sure what I've said here doesn't capture everything, really.

However, I can't think of one visible thing he did to try and save us.  I can't think of one thing he did to try and keep us a priority, as he claims he did.  He maintains that he tried so hard, but he "just couldn't."  And I find that to be a load of horseshit and if he truly thinks that then he is lying to himself.  Did he go to Wellness or go speak with someone about his issues (because I am not a professional and so can only try and help so much) when I suggested he think about that back in...at least December?  No.  Did he try and go out with me more, or do things that maybe I wanted to do (which really was as simple as fucking going out to eat)?  No.  Did he sacrifice a bit of his time playing fighting games?  No.  Did he really talk to me about things?  In a way, he tried, but that effort was minimal at best, really.

Instead, what did he actually do?  He pulled away from me.  He retreated into games.  He stopped trying to do things with me and have fun with me.

He didn't try.

I don't know why he didn't.  I don't know why he didn't expend the effort in the same way that I did.  It hurts to think about those asymmetries: they are not only just a testament to our character and the imbalance of what we were each willing to do for each other throughout our relationship, but it also demonstrates how much each of us was willing to sacrifice and do for the other in an attempt to save what we had.  I believed that our relationship was worth all of that effort.  I believed that because I loved him and have never had a connection like that before.  I was okay with doing things like that because that is what people who love each other do (at least, I believe that and I have this deep desire to please others over myself so I will usually volunteer to be the one to sacrifice, in a way).  They sacrifice for the other.  They try and make the person they love happy, however they can.  And that is what I did.  I tried.  I did not run, because as I told him when he expressed his fears about me becoming fed up with him and his depression during the Christmas season, I was not going to give up on him.  I was not going to give up on him and on us and I was not going to run away from him and leave him alone and abandoned.  I wasn't going to do that.

I didn't want to be with anyone else.  So I was okay with sacrificing some things for him.  At the time, even, they hardly felt like sacrifices.  They were just attempts to make him happier.  Which I realize now I could not do on my own.  There is nothing more I could have done.

He gave up.  I didn't.

His claim that his emotions just changed stun me, because I cannot fathom that happening to me.  His feelings for me he argues suffered from a gradual shift because "we were together for far too long."  Reading that kind of stabbed me in the heart and made me furious, because if he loved me the way he always claimed, he would not think that way.  Really, again, I will never believe that that gradual shift occurred.  He shied away from my challenge to his argument: that since he told me two weeks beforehand how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and convinced me that everything was going to be alright between us when I started to get worried...his gradual shift does not exist in reality.  Not only with the two weeks, but he told me the day before breaking up with me that he wanted to see me and spend Spring break with me and my family.  It is contradictory to claim that that was true but also claim that a gradual shift occurred.  I am not surprised he backed down from my challenge to that particular line of reasoning, though.

Really, I'm not surprised that he cannot adequately respond to any of my challenges.  Because everything he is saying is crap and I can poke holes in all of it so easily.

He also iterates that he is trying to see things from my point of view and see what he did wrong and become a better person.  And while I hope he is sincerely doing that, I can't say that I have high hopes for that actually occurring or anything.

I also hate that I basically had to be the sacrifice for him to realize what a terrible person he can be.      

If I can remain focused for a few more hours, I can bang out the rest of this response paper.  The problem is remaining focused.  I pretty much know where I want to go with it and all, but I'm just not focused right now.  I was yesterday, which is why I was able to basically read the entire book for Monday then.

I took Callie to the park and to Petsmart and got her a few goodies and got her nails trimmed and everything, since they were starting to become talons, it felt like.  She had fun and is now completely exhausted and napping, which is good for me.  Though I still do not want to actually do any work.

Booked the hotel in Jersey for next week's Streetlight festivities and I can't wait.  I know I'm excited but I don't feel that sort of...excitement that I feel like I should.  It is similar to how I felt before the cruise and stuff.  But I am hoping that I will feel the more traditional excitement as Friday approaches.  Basically excitement equals just sort of...anticipation at this rate.  I don't know if that makes sense.  But usually when I say I am excited I don't really mean how I once felt excited.  It is different now.


Maybe tonight I will write another big post about ex and emails and stuff.  I have some more thoughts but I don't know if I'm just repeating things or not.  I guess in a way it doesn't matter if I am.

I resumed playing Kingdom Hearts today, since I beat the elite four in Pokemon and everything.  I'd like to get through this before I buy and start playing Ace Attorney, which I am stoked for and it looks like it has really good reviews, so that will be nice. 

Since I was really tired before, I ended up not going to the Comparative workshop.  I feel a little bit guilty about it, but I really wasn't feeling all that well and everything.

I'm realizing more and more how much I don't really pay attention to things that are apparently big compliments to my abilities and everything.  I was asked to be the TA for the Research and Statistics graduate class next semester; when we had our class last semester, our TA was a fifth year.  So being asked to TA a grad class when I'm only in my second year should be kind of a big deal.  My parents were really excited for me and the professor I'll be working with is really excited...and I guess on some level I'm flattered and everything and I'm glad they all have that sort of confidence in me.  But my immediate thoughts were about how I was probably going to fuck it up and they were going to regret placing me in that position and everything.  

And...I don't know.  I should not immediately jump to "holy shit I am going to fail" sort of thoughts.  I really shouldn't.  I should have the confidence in myself that they have in me.  But I just don't, really.  I wish I did.  I guess that is just something I need to keep working on and everything.  

Had another ex dream last night.

I was at a World/Inferno concert with some people and then he stumbled in really drunk. I tried to ignore the fact that he was there but then he walked beside me and put his arm around me. He whispered something about how I would give him another chance, or something, and I pulled away really fast, yelling at him. I then left, wandering for a while and being really angry and sad and feeling absolutely sick to my stomach. I eventually went back and he was still there, and would not leave me alone at all. He kept watching me, so I ended up waltzing with someone at some point.

Some things happened after, but I can't remember much afterwards.

Had a nice Skype chat last night where I was able to rant about the ex and his inconsistencies and everything. I really appreciated being able to do that and having someone really willing to listen.

I have a terrible headache and just feel lethargic as all hell today.  I meant to come home and do work and I have done nothing but lay and snooze and watch SVU.  I haven't really eaten that much but I am cooking chicken and fries right now because, despite not feeling hungry, I know that I should be.  At my last session, it was discussed how because of how long I have gone without eating properly, my body has gotten used to it.  It has adjusted, in a way.

But I need to be aware of that.  I need to consciously tell myself that I need to eat.


I'm sad today.

At my session we talked about how I need to basically keep challenging my thinking and everything, though we acknowledged how difficult that is for me, since it never has been challenged.  I have trained myself, over many years, to berate myself and to just accept those self-defeating thoughts and everything.  So it id not easy for me to fight those thoughts genuinely.  Which is why the whole self-compassion thing seems extremely difficult.

She explained to me that in a way, I was better when I first went to her than I currently am.  That surprised me at first, but now I'm really not as shocked.  I think the exhaustion from constantly fighting this depression and my own thoughts has gotten to me, and this renewed lack of eating (not that it ever really got better, but it was better than it is now again) has just made everything worse.

We discussed the whole idea that I still subconsciously think that I could have done something else to save or fix my relationship.  Yet, I challenged that: first, I did everything I possibly could think about doing at the time to try and help him.  Second, I can't even think now about what that thing would be.  Third, I was already doing so much...is it really fair to tell myself that I could have done something more, when there is so evidence that he tried at all for me?  No.  No it isn't.

Really, I say these things to myself, and I write them, but jumping to truly believing them is the step I have not really been able to take.

I see things in a very black-and-white way.  I need to challenge that as well.  Life doesn't exist in black and white.  There is a lot of gray.

Champion

I beat the Elite Four.  Pokemon Champion of Kalos right here.  My final team for that ended up being Ampharos, Umbreon, Gardevoir, Goodra, Blastoise, and Delphox.  Goodra especially stepped it up for my battle with the Champion.  Adding Ice Beam to his move set was a really good idea, I think.

I'm going to keep going with everything, because there are plenty of places that I wasn't able to go into before.

Though now maybe I'll return also to Kingdom Hearts and try and play that more and finish that.  And I want to get the fifth Ace Attorney (which apparently got a Mature rating what) so I can play that because jfdkhfj Phoenix Wright eeeee.  (Really I'm mostly excited to see Edgeworth, even though he's probably not going to be a huge player in the game.  But we'll see.)


I originally came on here wanting to talk about the ex's contention that he actually tried to make things work and make us a priority.  And how I don't believe that because there is no evidence to support that and, especially when looking at what I did for him, it does not compare.  I actually really did try.  I gave him space and I was understanding and I stood by him and told him that I was not going to give up on him.  And I wasn't and I didn't.  I let him do as he pleased with little complaint, and I gave up London to try and make things work.  The things I tried to do were real and visible.

I don't believe him when he says he tried because there is nothing I can think of that shows that he did try.  There is nothing that he did that is comparable to anything that I did, really.  And he wants me to think that he actually tried to "make us a priority?"

No.  No, there is no reason for me to think that.  None whatsoever.

I don't know why I tried.  I loved him, but still.  I shouldn't have expended the effort.

I'm feeling kind of weird today.  Like...okay, but not okay at the same time.  Maybe it is with my emotionless state that I feel kind of invincible right now.  In class, despite my not reading much, I dominated discussion and apparently made some good points, but I can't tell if it is because I'm actually feeling better than normal, or if it is my not really caring how I sound and not being self-conscious about the points I'm making (even when discussing something I know next to nothing about).

I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, so I will talk to him about some things and all.

And session with Nancy tomorrow, which is a good thing.  I still need to read some of the book she gave to me.  I skimmed through some of the chapters.  It is about learning to be self-compassionate and everything, which has always been excruciatingly difficult for me to do.  Despite my knowing, for example, that i didn't do anything wrong with the ex and while we were together and telling myself over and over that I deserve better, I still on some subconscious level, think things were my fault or that I somehow deserved what happened to me.  Because I can't wrap my head around, again, this idea that I did everything right and still achieving this...suboptimal outcome, so to say.  And I know it is because things are out of my control - I cannot control him or his emotions, despite my doing everything right and doing everything I could for him - but it is still hard for me to grasp that notion.  It is difficult for me to accept this...unfair reality.

I've been told I'm very logical in how I think, but that the world and our relationships with others are not always logical.  They are emotional.  They go beyond logic.

So self-compassion is difficult because I am always thinking about what I should have done.  I should have done this, or I should have done that.  If I stopped talking to the ex sooner maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty.  If I tried something else, I could have gotten him to stay.  But those thoughts are not fair.  I would have doubted those options then, and I didn't know then the things about him and about myself that I know now.

Fighting against the pattern of thoughts I have always had is really difficult, and sometimes it is so much so that I don't even do it.  It is less exhausting for me to just berate myself and succumb to my own dark thoughts than it is for me to fight.  And that is what people are afraid of me doing.  That if I continue to give up, I will break, physically and mentally.

In a weird way, I find it fascinating that I can be told so many things about how much people respect and like me and all I will think of is why, because I just do not see myself in the same light or the same fashion.

At the party yesterday, some of the first years say that the way that the professors talk to them about us makes it really obvious that I'm the "magnificent one" of my cohort.  Apparently.  Which just puzzles me because I can't see why they would think that, really.  I mean...it was nice to hear, I guess.  I just don't think I'm as good as other people seem to think.

"Just imagine what you could do if you weren't always self-doubting yourself."

Being told that made me pause and think.  Despite my apathy, I still get As.  Despite my emotionless state, I still participate in class.  I still try, even though I am in a mood where I don't think I should be.  I feel like I am on autopilot, just going through motions.  Yet, autopilot includes this sense of needing to do well in school.  But is that autopilot, or is it something that deep down, even if I can't hear it, is telling me that this is still important to me?  That it is some instinct that is telling me that no matter what happens, this is what I need to keep doing?

I honestly can't tell anymore.

I don't know if I have this weird thing where I think everyone is wrong or everyone is lying about them thinking positive things about me.  That might be just how I've always been, or it might be thoughts based around what the ex did...it is probably a combination of both of those.

I am supposed to be challenging my self-hating thoughts, but it is...really difficult for me to do so.  And part of me continues to say 'why bother' and everything.  That I've been trying to fight this depression ever since the ex dumped me, and really...even before that.  The self-hatred has always been there, and now coupled with the distrust and the hatred of anything resembling love has kind of just made me almost a hermit.  Really, the only reason I socialized this weekend was because I was forced to.  And I promised Nancy I would try, since she is really really concerned that I'm isolating myself from everyone.  I don't know if that's like...a first step or something.

I don't know.  I'm weird.

And tired, so maybe more on this another time.

So after I finished cleaning, you know how I said I was going to go into the office and do work?  Yeah that has not happened and probably will not happen.  I just don't really feel like going there, even though it would make sense for me to do that.  Instead, I'm going to read stuff on my computer; I usually don't, because I can more easily take notes when the article is in paper form.

I kind of want to start the book that Nancy let me borrow, but I have my work I gotta do and everything.


...I was going to say more.   Maybe later.

Party

So the party ended up being a huge hit for everyone and not that terrible for me.

At first I was really awkward and kind of moving around slowly and all; it was kinda obvious I felt out of place in my own house.  People asked me if I was feeling okay and everything, and I just said I was still kind of recovering from the concert.  Which was true, but it was more just general discomfort from being around so many people and knowing that people were going to get drunk and all.

But as usual, Callie was my saviour.  She was dressed up as a jousting knight's horse and she just was so happy and excited because so many people were around and giving her attention, and of course, that made me smile and made me happier and kind of got me to talk to people more.

At first I was also not dressed up, but with three people kind of begging me to put on my Rip Van Winkle cosplay, I ended up getting into that for a bit.  I didn't have any bobby pins, so the wig was kind of annoying, but people were really impressed with it (especially the gun aha no surprise there).

I did what I said I would do: I kind of stuck to a few people and spoke mostly with them, and didn't really mingle with everyone.  Which was fine, because after a while people started getting really drunk and playing drinking games, whereas I didn't drink at all.  And after a while I unintentionally set up an area upstairs for people who just wanted to chill and didn't want to go crazy with the people downstairs anymore.  Originally I was up there to be by myself for a bit since I was getting a bit overwhelmed, and Callie was getting really sleepy and all, but then more and more people came up, but they were just sitting on the couch with us and talking and stuff.  One person said they really liked that there were like...two atmospheres.  The calmer stuff up by me, and the crazier stuff down in the basement.

Also it is always funny to me to talk with drunk people when I'm completely sober.

Two people had to stay over, and I'm glad because they were in no condition really to drive.

But most people didn't really leave until 1:30 or so, which would have been 2:30 had daylight savings not occurred.  And they all said they had a really good time, so that is good.

Since I did not really help set up, I'm trying to do a lot of cleaning up today, which isn't so bad.  It is nice to just be by myself and I put music on and I finished upstairs, so the kitchen and living room are all good, but it is the basement that was looking like a bomb hit it.  But roommate did clean some down there with his boyfriend; I haven't gone down to see how much is left or anything.

I might go to the office when I'm done so I could just sit and finish the readings for tomorrow.  

The closer that it gets to eight, the worse I feel.

Really, I just want to play Pokemon and watch tv and go to sleep again, even though I ended up sleeping basically until 1, only getting up to walk Callie.  I took her to the park from 2-3:15ish, and when I came back, everyone was getting into party mode and kind of doing things, so I forced myself to help and to clean the bathroom and my room and some other stuff even though the last thing I want to do is host people tonight.  Really, part of me is thinking about just saying that I'm not feeling well and hiding, but I promised Nancy that I would not do that, because it is my continuing to isolate myself from everything and everyone, which is apparently very concerning.

I just know that in a few hours this place is going to be filled with happy drunk people and I am stuck trying to pretend to want them here and want to hang out with them when in reality I would much rather go off by myself.

(Ha, I should have realized the high from Hallowmas was not going to last through now.)


I also had a dream that I got an email saying that the ex had like...disappeared.  I have no idea what to make of that or how to feel about that.

This picture does not do the giant ass bruise on my hip justice.  But it is kinda really awesome, and is a sign on an awesome concert.  Basically the bigger and more bruises I have, the more fun the concert.  And Hallowmas was indeed fantastic. 

I don't know how I'm awake, considering I got less than 3 hours of sleep last night.  I have been zombie-like all day, and I have not taken any naps.  After having classes and taking Callie to the park for two hours, I ended up playing Pokemon, watching Korra, and zoning out and stuff.  I have no idea how I haven't passed out.

Quick: my throwing up last night I assume was because I again did not eat or drink water before the concert.  I had planned on eating, but for some reason my GPS decided to take me through Times fucking Square during rush hour.  Let's just say I was 15 minutes away for over an hour.  By the time I got to the venue, I didn't have time to go and get food (which was particularly upsetting because I wanted to get Brooklyn pizza).  So the combination of that and getting crushed against the stage made me feel faint and sick around 2/3 of the way in.  Threw up after pushing through and everything.  But a particular security guard (the one who gave me the set list) was really fucking sweet to me and kept checking up on me.  After that, I didn't feel well enough to try and rejoin in the middle, so I hung out on the side.  Saw the coffin of Grace get carried up to the stage and it was just fantastic.  Hopefully they'll have another concert around Thanksgiving time in the area like they did last year.  (But next concerts are Streetlight ones!  Two weeks!)

I did get a parking ticket even though there was no sign saying I couldn't park there and bah.  I hate driving in the city and everything.

Stayed over at Danny's but like I said...only got around 3 hours before I left at 5:30 in the morning to get back here by 9.  The drive back sucked just in that I had to really focus while trying to stay awake.


I've been feeling good today, overall, simply because of concert and everything.  But the anxiety is starting to creep in, what with the Halloween party tomorrow and everything.  Maybe I will be able to ride this high until tomorrow evening.

I don't have a costume though...  I could just go in my Rip cosplay.  Even though no one will know who I am.  Eh.  I also don't really want to wear her wig.  So maybe not.  We'll see what I do.