Lions and Sheep

Since I did not do so last night, I guess I can now make a serious post about feels-related things and all.  

I have a terrible headache, probably because I continue to not sleep well and everything.  I did go to movies with roommate and a friend of mine, but I really just wanted to be alone afterwards, otherwise I would have asked if they wanted to get food or anything like that. 

I've never been a person who has had many friends.  Always, I have had a few close friends, and then I had other...almost peripheral friends whom I did not mind hanging out with, but they were kind of just...there.  I did not trust them the way I did my close circle, if that is the proper way to describe it.  My close circle has shrunk over the years, and a large chunk of those in it have left, either from moving away because of jobs, or leaving due to betrayals or just...diverging paths. 

For the time I was with him, the ex was the center of that circle.  One I did not expect to leave. 

But he did.  And with all the decisions he made and actions he took, my worldview became more and more jaded. 

This time last year, I was sad.  Very sad.  But I still had some...hope, almost.  At least, I think.  Hope might not be the right word for it.  I still found myself wanting to be around people, simply because I did not want to be alone.  I did not want to be alone in the state that he left me, so I tried to get close to people, even if it was obvious that I should not have with particular individuals.  Instead of hope, maybe let us just say my cynicism had not been turned up to 11 just yet. 

My loner tendencies gradually increased, hitting a peak after the ex re-contacted me.  

I asked myself over and over again why.  Why did he need to come back?  Even if only in the form of an email?  Despite not hearing his voice in months, I still could hear those words as if he was speaking them.  

And then the back-and-forth started.  It started and made me realize that the hole I thought I had started to crawl out of...I was actually still deep in.  And the path to recovery and the ascend to happiness seemed impossible.  

Hearing this idea that he stopped loving me before he broke up with me...despite what he said when we were together and after...it hit me in ways that I don't even think I can describe now.  

Everything was a lie.  All of it.  

I was never meant to be with him longer than a few months, was I?  I was a flavour of the week, almost.  At least, that is how it seems now.  Once he was tired of me, he tried a new flavour.  And then when he no longer wanted her, another new one.  

More than ever, I have become anti-social.  

Everyone I look at with a jaded and cynical point of view, and as much as I am reminded that it is not my fault he is like that, and that he changes feelings arbitrarily, tossing away the people who love him truly and care about him...and that not everyone is like him...that cynicism and distrust remains.  I want it to go away, but I feel safer on my own.  It is lonely, yes, and sad, but I am safer. 

Even with my roommate telling me that my inability to help him during finals week equates to me not caring...even that has hit me hard.  

The person I want to talk to most of the time when I want to talk to someone...I cannot even say what my feelings are for him anymore.  He has helped me more than people realize or know.  But...I am afraid of him as well.  Despite my thinking that he is sweet and kind, he does act with a sort of arrogance that I think is an act.  And he likes to remind me that he will likely disappoint me.  Sometimes.  Lately he has been especially nice, telling me that I should have friends who do things for me because it is what I deserve and it is nice to be reminded that the world doesn't always suck.  

But...I fear him, because I was incredibly wrong about the ex's true persona.  

I believed the ex to be very sweet and very truthful.  A nice person who would not hurt me, and would not betray me.  I was wrong. 

And it is not the first time I have been so wrong about someone.  He just hit me the hardest, and solidified this idea in my head that I am terrible at judging people.  Or that everyone has an ulterior motive behind the nice words that they tell you. 

Hah, what is funny...is that if I spoke to the ex now about worldviews and everything...I would be a completely different person.  I remember once we were discussing, and I said that I truly did not believe that people were selfish.  I thought that people were kind.  At one point, I pinned him down, and we had been talking about lions and sheep beforehand...how sheep get taken advantage of and everything, basically.  When I pinned him, he told me that he would not do the same to me if I let him up, and I kept laughing and saying that he was tricking me.  Over and over he said that he wasn't.  However, when I let him up, he did just as he said he was not going to do.  And he called me a sheep.  I said that I trusted him, and that is why this happened.  I laughed, but the conversation and him doing that to me actually...upset me.  It did.  It hurt me that he thought, essentially, that I was weak because I trusted him, and because I trusted others.  

Funny...that night and that interaction between us plays perfectly alongside our breakup and subsequent falling out.  The times I had him pinned - when I said that I couldn't talk to him as he was seeing people so soon after me, when I should have obviously seen what was going on behind his bedroom door, for example... - I let go because I trusted him.  I let him up, and he then pinned me down as repayment for my trust.  And then basically (at first, anyway) blamed me for that happening, because I should have realized it was going to happen. 

And that sequence repeating caused me to start believing it completely.  That it was my fault.  Everything.  It was all because I trusted.  It was all because love blinded me.  Stupid, love made me.  Stupid and blind and gullible.  

And if I wanted to not be hurt, I would need to become a lion.  Like he was.  I would need to stop trusting people.  But I could never be a lion, truly, because I could not lie to the people I care about the way he lied to me.  I couldn't.  

But I could at least stop with the unconditional trust.  I could tell myself, in the back of my mind, that no matter who it was, whether they be a friend or family or the person I thought loved me more than anyone else...they had the potential to leave.  To betray.  

And that jaded view contributes to my constant desire to be alone.  

Or rather...it isn't even a desire.  It is almost a need now.  I am exhausted when among people.  Even friends.  Even friends who want to be around me.  

That isolation protects me.  While simultaneously destroying me.  

I meant to come on here and write a long serious post about ex-related feels and friend-related feels and the extent of my cynicism and how my exhaustion is likely making it so that I'm probably not going to do anything tomorrow (and I'm fine with that, actually)...

...But I instead looked up stuff about my lawyers.  Really, I haven't been this into a fandom in a while and I am more than okay with this.


Maybe tomorrow I can ask friends if they want to see The Hobbit.  And then we can just hang out and not get totally wasted and everything.  That'd be nice, actually.

Had a dream about the ex...

For some reason I decided that I would try again to be friends with him and started talking to him.  Texting and skyping and phone calls and all that.  But as it continued, feels started redeveloping on both sides (that whole 'holy shit we really are good together' kind of re-realization), which sucked royally.

Bah.

I don't want that realization.


Friend and I are talking about dolphins getting high.  What are we.  

I always put a show or movie on to watch as I go to sleep, because otherwise my own thoughts keep me up. I had dreams of the ex so not only did I not get restful sleep, but my thoughts in the morning are swirling around. So...back to the tv it is.

I do hate waking up with thoughts and memories refusing to go away.

So, Archer, please distract my mind as I try to fall back asleep.

Since roommate's plane wasn't getting back until 11 pm tonight, we were able to keep the puppy for one more day, and I won't lie that kind of made me really happy.  I like having him around, even if he is not technically mine or anything.  He entertains Callie and keeps her company, and he is just super cute.  I probably should have done some training with him, but I'll just say that he was on vacation so I didn't have to.  Though he did learn to walk up and down the stairs!  So that is something at the very least! 

I cannot tell anymore if friend and I are flirting or if we are just being really friendly with each other.  Is there a middle ground?  We keep talking about getting together and lazing and watching marathons of tv and eating cookies and demolishing people in games, and he wants to teach me to box and I said I'll teach him video games and play D3 with him (and both of us said that we would need to call each other senpai during said training) and we both keep whining to each other about how the other is not close enough and that we want to see each other.  Really, I just can't tell because I've said these types of things with flirtatious intentions and with platonic friendly intentions.  So I kind of don't know what to take from them, entirely, but I...honestly am okay with it being either one.  Which is weird, but I am.  I can't tell entirely what exactly our relationship is, but that is okay.  I'm alright with that. 

It is weird; it is the first time in a while I've been honestly okay with something being so ambiguous.  Maybe because nothing physical is happening?  That is probably the reason.  Even if these words are slightly flirtatious while being friendly (which again, I cannot tell), nothing physical happening means that there is no investment on my part.  

Which is good...I think I might be beyond the range of just wanting to bed someone to have that physical contact as a way to forget my own loneliness.  I did that for some time, though not as often as it would seem, but I think I'm beyond that.  That is good.  I think it is a sign I'm doing better than I was. 

(Or maybe it is all in the medication, which doesn't exactly make me really want to do anything physical very often...) 

Either way, I'm cool with it.  It is fun, talking with him about all this stuff.  

On a side note, I kind of hope that when I drop Murray off with roommate, he does not want to go into serious discussion.  I mean...I will if he really wants to, but I just still feel awkward about it, kind of, and I just am not really ready to discuss it.  Eh.  We'll see what happens. 

So far I've been a huge bum this vacation, and I guess that is okay?  All I've done is watch tv and play games and stuff...and part of me is starting to think that maybe I should do something else.  I did actually open STATA today and try to do something but I didn't get a result that really said anything so I just stopped.  And I wasn't in the mood to work. 

...Part of me thinks it might be a good idea for me to start running again.  I would instead prefer to play a sport or kickbox or something, but since I've been stalling on doing either one of those...running might be the best idea. 

Friend said that he was going to get a black card for Planet Fitness so he could drag me to the gym with him, which could be nice.  Though I am always weird about working out with other people.  I always preferred to do it by myself.  

I also hate restarting a workout regiment just because I try to do as much as I did when I last ended one, where I was in much better shape, and that just...is impossible.  But then I berate myself because I'm not in the shape I once was, and then it becomes more and more of a chore rather than something I should be doing for my health and everything.  I mean, of course it is going to feel like a chore because to me, almost everything feels that way (seriously, today I had cookies for lunch because cooking just seemed like way more work than I wanted to expend, and then I probably would've skipped dinner if my parents didn't make it for me...I find that when I come home, I'll not eat unless my mom or dad offer to make me something, which makes me sound lazy but it is more that continued apathy about food and everything; if I was in Bing, I just wouldn't have anything).  But I don't know how many people have expressed that I should get back into the physical activity thing, especially given my athletic past.  That abandoning sports (or rather, giving them up for reasons) probably had a greater toll on my mental health than I realize.  And I'm starting to think that might be true, but...I want to compete.  It is weird...I have nothing competitive that I am engaged in, and I miss that, in a weird way.  I almost wanted to get better at some video game (when I first was dumped, I wanted to do fighting games, but I realized that was just me trying to think of something that I could change about myself in an attempt to get the ex to come back to me...and then it switched over to Halo because I started to enjoy it so fucking much) just to have that competitive edge again.  I don't know what sport to play, since soccer is what I would want to do, but the team some of the profs play on (and so I have been invited) is 25+, so I still need to wait. 

Also, doing that requires I actually socialize.  Which is still something that seems less than ideal.  I really have found that I am okay with being by myself a lot.  Or just among my pups or my family.  

Of course, friend tells me not to do that, but he isn't here to drag me out places.  

Because of this not wanting to socialize, despite my having been invited places for New Year's...I might not go anywhere?  It seems like so much work to go...and I'm anxious about it all and everything.  I don't know...  On the other hand, if I go to my sister's, I might be able to drag friend to Albany or something and we could hang out there or something. 

I do need at least to promise myself to work on my own projects in January before the next semester starts. I really would like to at least do that.  

Got two of my three grades back: both As.  Hopefully my third will also be an A and I will still keep my 4.0.  Wooooo.   

Gay Lawyers

Really, I almost forgot exactly how gay Phoenix and Edgeworth are and I fucking love it.  (Almost is of course the key word.  Really, it is more that I was reminded.)

I should watch the movie and play the DLC case for Dual Destinies.

Seriously, Capcom isn't even trying to be subtle with them anymore.

Though I don't think they ever were?  I mean Phoenix became a lawyer for Edgeworth.

And then other things happened.

Bickering like a married couple in Dual Destinies.  I love it.

I'M SORRY this ship just sails itself and I love them way too much for my own good.

Yes, this post is just to gush about my lovely gay lawyers.

Friend and I were going back and forth with Archer references and Sunny references and it was too much fun.  Plus we both discussed our sucky New Year's plans and how we wished we were closer so we could hang out or something.  Then, there are nascent plans to meet somewhere in Connecticut, since I could easily take the ferry over and he lives in Massachusetts, so it seems like the best middle place to meet and hang.

I'd like that.  It'd be a lot of fun.

I also wish to play D3 with him.  But he said he wanted to go through it solo first, which is understandable.  I still have plenty of games I have not played that can distract me.  I have the DLC case for Dual Destinies that I would like to get, and then Fire Emblem Awakening to start.  I did stupidly forget my 360 games, but that's okay.  I have plenty for 3DS to get on.

Callie still has been sick.  I hope she will feel better tomorrow.


Also I did something dumb but what else is new?  Eh.  I don't feel like really writing about it right now though.

Callie has been throwing up today and I don't really know why or what to do...if it continues I might need to take her to the vet but last time this was happening it cost a lot and nothing really ended up being wrong so...yeah.  I might want to wait it out for longer.  I'm just worried and all.

Murray has to go home tomorrow and my family is actually really sad about that.  My parents have been calling him their Murray and stuff and they have gotten used to him being here and kind of love him and all, despite that he has had a few accidents here and there.  And Callie will miss her playmate, and I'm sure he will miss her when they have to be separated for a little bit.  But it probably won't be for very long.  Two weeks at most?  Then they will be reunited.

I also haven't been feeling very well physically and it kind of sucks.  I napped for a while all cuddled with the pups after I came back from lunch with friends.

I've been invited to places for New Years but I don't know if I will go to any just because the idea of drunk people surrounding me while I sit there and sip soda isn't as appealing as it once was.  My isolationist tendencies have been kinda flaring up hardcore.  Of course the person I really want to spend New Years with is going back to Wisconsin tomorrow morning, sadly.  The second person I wouldn't mind spending New Years with is a friend in Massachusetts, but he also would be with drunk people and be drunk himself, whereas I'd rather do the quiet hanging out and watching television sort of thing.  I could go out to Danny's in Brooklyn, but he is having a big party with a lot of people and stuff.  So I'm not sure.  I wouldn't mind going up to my sister's but her place is 5 hours away and I don't have a car, since Cornelius stayed in Binghamton.

Maybe I will try to eat something.

Also not all of my packages came for Anisha and that makes me sad.

Blackquill

So I finished Dual Destinies today and holy shit that twist at the end.  I can't.  I gasped "no" so fucking loudly that my mom thought that something was wrong and I apparently really scared her.  But seriously...this level of emotional investment hasn't hit me with a game in a while, seriously.  The story, the characters...it is so fucking good to play and finish an AA game.  The final cases never disappoint, and I loved pretty much everyone in it.

And I have committed with cosplay friend to going as Blackquill for Ota 2014.  And then she will either go as Juniper or Athena (not gonna lie, I hope she picks Athena for reasons, but I am not going to tell her because I want her to make her own decision).


Also, my poster proposal got accepted for the Midwest conference in Chicago in April!  So that is really exciting.  First conference as a graduate student.  It is the veto points paper, so I need to revamp that and everything before I go.  But it is nice to have a deadline and all.


Talked with Anisha about some things, which was nice, and then we just cuddled in her bed and watched Hell's Kitchen like we used to do.  I don't want her to go back to Wisconsin.  Why does she have to live so far away, seriously.  


Friend and I might play D3 together.  Nice.

Trying

Saw The Hobbit part 2 today with dad an younger sister and holy shit it is incredible and I really enjoy the addition of Tauriel.  She's such a badass.

Also had to take the puppy to get some shots today.  He didn't enjoy it very much but it is for his own good (though despite him not liking it, he was very well behaved)!  Callie came along for the ride because she loves the car and everything and kind of hopped in when we were leaving.

Other than that...kind of just played Dual Destinies and shit is getting real.  I am so excited to uncover truths and Edgeworth came back and eeeee.  I'm such a dork for these games, I really really am.  Also I miiiight wanna cosplay Prosecutor Blackquill for Otakon?  I mean, I still would like to do Teresa from Claymore at some point but...

I MEAN LOOK AT HIM THE MAN IS A HUGE BAMF.  I am in the middle of uncovering his backstory. 

In serious news, talking to friend, who is always really good at helping me and listening to me and stuff.  I told him how, when roommate said that I didn't care, it echoed this sentiment that - when I am a person's main support friend (or only, even) - when I am not completely attentive to him or her, that I am being mean.  That I don't care.  And that shit hurts.  Because I try, even when I cannot talk in detail about things.  I try to show it with other things, with little things that I can do.  Help out with the puppy.  Offer to go out and get food.  Stay in company when working.  Try to cheer people up with silly things because I don't have the time or emotional energy to get into heavy stuff.

I try to show that I care, even if I am drowning in work and stress and sad feelings (or even lack of feelings).  But I suppose I fail at that.  It isn't the first time I've been told that I pretty much suck at comforting people.  And I'm sure it will not be the last.  I try so hard to hide my own shit to help people, and it just does not work.  

It didn't work with the ex.  It doesn't work with the roommate.  It won't work in the future.  

I am just shit at balancing work and my own problems with trying to be a good friend (or girlfriend, in the ex's case).  

I try.  I really do.

My Christmas was filled with pups, chips and dip, lazing and marathoning tv shows on Netflix with the fam, and prime rib deliciousness.  In other words, it was spectacular.

Anisha came by late, and although I love her visits, however short they are, I really wish I could just have her for longer than one hour when we are both home.  Her family kind of keeps her to themselves, and while I on some level could understand why, part of me just pouts, and thinks - as I told her - that I am her family too.  And I want to spend more time with her.  I really do.  Either just lazing and watching Hell's Kitchen or going to get noms at probably Applebees and then doing something else...I just want to hang out with her for longer than the allotted time her family seems to tolerate.

I kind of want to pout and stomp my feet and be all "this isn't faiiiiir" at them, aha.


Sleepy sleepy, otherwise I would write more.


Part of me wonders if I should eventually respond.  Or should I just let it be...

"He needs to get and stay out of your life."

First Christmas!

The pups' first Christmas! They were so so very happy. Also since I gave Callie that bone, she hasn't been interested in anything else.

I consider that a success.

This year's Christmas eve was spent playing with pups, sleeping in late, watching Lincoln, going to Friendly's with my mom and younger sister, running around for last minute gifts, getting packages from Amazon (but of course the one I really wanted by today hasn't shown up), starting Orange is the New Black with the family, and then wrapping up the rest of doggie presents and filling out cards at the last minute.

Really, I do like this lack of travelling for the holidays.  It makes things calmer.  Easier.  More laid-back.  And I very much enjoy that when I can have it.

I feel more at peace this year at this time than I did last year.  Though I know that this is temporary, and is most likely a result of upped dosage of medication (have gone up to 200 mg), it is nice right now.  Of course I have thoughts of him and what he is doing and his holiday and stuff, and remembering days past, but...I'm just contemplative.  Maybe it is just the season.  I'm not sure.

Despite all that, though, I have not been sleeping well still.  Which is why I've continued to be tired even though I have nothing to do at the moment (well...technically I do, since I should start rereading stuff for the methods class I'm TAing next semester and I really do need to turn some of these papers into something worth putting forth for publishing, but I am taking at least a week for myself to do nothing).  He still permeates my nights, though there are times where I do not remember exactly what happened...I just wake up and he is in my head, so I know that whatever went on in my brain why I was asleep...he was there.

He always seems to be there during the night.  Even when I don't think of him as much during the day.

Anyway...again, this is more contemplative.  I'm bordering on calling it emotionless, but I don't think that is it.  It is a peaceful feeling.  Not really particularly happy or sad or angry, just...thoughtful.  The emptiness that I experience when I feel nothing is not here right now.  Which is good.

I'm sure I'll say this again, but, since it is technically the 25th...Merry Christmas.

I've been away from my laptop all day, pretty much, and it has actually been kind of awesome.  I just chilled out with the puppies and my mom and stuff, and...really I can't even remember all that I did.  Really, I think I just lazed around and watched television and babysat the pups until around 4 or so, and then I went with my mom to the mall and places for Christmas shopping.

My red sneakers kind of bit the dust so I've been looking for new ones, and I found some that have the same colour scheme as my old ones...only thing is that they were kids shoes.  Luckily for me, there was a seven, and since I'm a size 9, it actually worked out (also yes, that is how kids shoes work, for some reason; I never understood why, even when I was employed at Skechers).  They are a bit tight, but in the being narrow way rather than length, so I figure they would stretch.  If they don't, well...it isn't like they cost that much, and they are a gift, and I could always look for different ones after the holidays.  My mom has just been asking me what I want a lot since all I said was that...plus a new battery for my laptop.

She did say that a gift could be buying my next concert ticket, which I need to see what it will be.  I know World/Inferno is playing in the city in February, so I might hit that up.  The Bouncing Souls concerts this week in Jersey sold out, but I wouldn't have been able to go to them anyway, due to puppy sitting and all.  Man, it seems every time those guys are playing in an area that would be great for me, I just have something else I am doing and can't make it.

Also she bought me Auntie Anne's, because it smelled amazing and she could tell that I kind of wanted some.  It was delicious.

Tomorrow I need to go out and get the rest of my gift for my mom and dad, and then also for Danielle.  I have some other people on the list for gift-giving that I am thinking about, but I'm not sure what to get them just yet.

Speaking, Steph and Andrew got me a turret plush and classic game controller ornaments and I got all "eeeee" over them, if that is the best way to put it.  They're so cute!

I also got to see Anisha today, though our reunion was unfortunately cut short due to something.  Sad.


Truthfully, I've been trying to not think about certain things, in order for me to keep my mood up.  It doesn't always work, and I know I am just distracting myself and all.

Maybe I'll force myself to talk about things tomorrow.  Not tonight.  Not right now.

She's a good sport, letting me put that hat on her.

The drive down to the Island was...okay. I slept through half of it and then drove the second half, but roommate was down and I guess since I noticed him say that I have been cold and distance I've felt this weird tension from him.

After I dropped him off he sent me a bunch of texts saying how it seemed like I didn't care about him this past week and everything. And...I don't know. I got kind of annoyed. I shouldn't have, because he was just expressing feelings and everything. He mentioned that since his breakup, I hadn't asked him how he was. But I know I did the day of it, and when he didn't want to talk about it, I assumed that it might take a bit for him to want to. So I didn't ask. I didn't want to pressure him into talking if he didn't want to. I assumed he would come to me if he wanted.

I tried to explain to him that in order to finish everything I needed to for finals, I had to...basically only focus on my work. It was bad timing. I just had to. Otherwise there is no way I would have finished.

I feel like that is selfish...it was almost a self-preservation tactic. Until he came to me, I wouldn't ask, both because of my need to work, and my not wanting to push anything on him.

Heh, this is why I can't be the support pillar...or rather why I suck and fail at it. Because even when I do try to show people I care and everything, if I do not hide my own demons, people get sad. Again, it happened with high school friend, and then ex, and now it is happening again. I'm just a horrible person when people need long term support.

I won't lie, sometimes I really do not want to talk about sad things. I just want to distract myself so I don't have to feel the self-loathing that comes along with them.

I was talking to other roommate, and I explained to him that I don't think hurting roommate gets my weird emotional state completely...  I have passed from feeling nothing but deep horrible despair and loneliness...to feeling very little. A small range of emotions, with the occasional blip (usually to sadness but sometimes to happiness). But it is hard for me to convey that without coming across as cold. And like I've said, Nancy thinks it is because I have felt so much that everything has imploded and I have shut down, basically. So again, when I actually found a work topic I was interested in and excited about, I clung to that. And I wouldn't let go until my papers were done. I didn't want to, because I knew it would be a while for that feeling to return to me again.

Bah, this all makes me sound sociopathic, but even that isn't right. It is weird to explain. I care, I really really do.

Emotions...real emotions...they're just difficult sometimes.

Grading these papers is not getting any easier and I am just still so tired and everything...all I want to do is sleep for an entire day, at this rate.  

For some reason, my thoughts today have been heavily focused on the past.  

I fear abandonment.  

I really do. 

And for that reason, I isolate myself.  

It might also be a reason why I do not appear to put as much effort into my friendships as I once did.  Aside from those people who see me every day, I do not really talk to many people anymore.  My friends who are far away are still very dear to me, and always will, but the cynical part of me asks why I should try so hard again.  

The last time I tried my hardest to preserve something...I found myself alone.  And not only alone, but betrayed.  

I was rewarded for all my efforts with that. 

So the cynical part of me just asks what is the point.  

The part of me which is trying to fight my old way of thinking counters that not everyone is like him.  

It is a constant battle.  

...I guess work distracted me throughout the week from these thoughts.  Now that work I actually care about is done for the time being...mind is back to old stuff.  

So I just went to Petco and splurged on Christmas gifts and treats for both of the puppers, and I am really excited to give them their stuff but I know that I also need to wait.  Wahhh.  (Yes, I am more excited about giving presents to the dogs than I am about getting anything myself or anything like that.  They're going to be so happy!)

We went in to play with some of the puppies that the adoption agency had there with them, and they were super cute.  I kind of just wanted to roll around with them aha.  Also there was this really hot guy there but I didn't get his number or talk to him as much as I wanted, which is a shame.  He seemed really nice and loved dogs and was playing with the puppies and holding them and stuff.

Ah, missed connections.  Sad.

...I am procrastinating on my grading because I just do not want to do it at all.  Seriously.

I'm not trying to be cold or distant.

I just am really tired.

And need to get work done, since I've been struggling with that all semester.

And having papers I actually have interest in is so rare, and having motivation to actually do them is so uncommon for me.

So I get in the zone.

And do not want to get distracted.

I'm sorry if that comes off as cold.

I tried to make it up last night with letter explaining.  But I guess that did not work as I originally wanted it to.

It isn't that I do not want to talk about things.

It is that I just can't right now.  Because once I do, it is hard for me to do the work I need to do.

I'm sorry.

I'm a terrible friend, I know.

I feel like a lot of these papers are "look, I know how to make nice graphs in STATA" or "look I know how to do and properly interpret interaction models and marginal effects!"

Theory?  Eh, not important.  LOOK AT MY METHOD.

Also, got significant results for my filibuster paper, which is good and different from my presidential success in Congress paper.  Which I will work on more over the winter, hopefully.  My professor thinks it is a really interesting idea and really hopes that I continue with it and everything.

BUT I'M ALMOST DONE with my own stuff.  That's not including grading papers.  Sob.


Also talking with friend about how, since I am Allie the Hutt, he is required to show up shirtless and chained up to me as my slave.

I had a dream last night that the ex got a new girlfriend and then posted things making fun of me all over the internet and so safe to say I did not sleep very well last night.

Though roommate made an observation yesterday: when I was talking about him, I actually said ex's name, and this was pointed out to me.  As maybe a sign of some healing actually happening, despite my often thinking it is not.


Have two papers to try and bang out today.  Luckily, I think I am pretty much done with the data portion.  Got my graphs and all.


...I just want to lay.

The Callie Lift

I do twenty Callie lifts and thirty Callie curls every day to keep in shape.


Also I am so done with this paper, except I'm not actually done.  Sad.

So have pictures of me instead.

I'm still writing finals and stuff which is why this blog has not seen as much action as usual but in the meantime, have this picture of me that my friend took when he was over for a few minutes yesterday:

I am Allie the Hutt.  Bring me Solo and the Wookie and a batch of freshly baked cookies!

Sleepy sleepy.

Been working on my final IR paper all day, and while I got significant results they are not in the direction I wanted. And I have no idea how to come up with a theory as to why, as public support for a conflict decreases, the President's success rate in Congress should increase.

Seriously. What.

And it took me for ducking ever to find the data I needed.

Now I'm wondering if I should redo this as an interaction model and interact Presidential approval and conflict support.

I should talk to my professor tomorrow. See if he has any advice for me. Originallyy this thing was due by tomorrow but...yeah that is not going to happen.

I just want to lay. And maybe cuddle with someone.

Tomorrow I will perhaps go through what I talked about in session before. But I've been so busy and preoccupied with work that I have not even had a good chance until now to write any thoughts down.

Boo. I just want to go home.

I am so unbelievably tired and mentally exhausted that I just cannot think of anywhere to go with this idea for this IR paper.  Which is incredibly frustrating, since it is something I am kind of really interested in.  I just have no idea how to measure what I need to measure and I have no idea what to do for this fucking idea.

Really, at this rate I am close to giving up and just doing something related more to just Congress and not Congress and the President and not having to do with foreign policy.

I'm just really sad also, to the point where I do not want to be around anyone, either.  Roommate keeps asking me if I want to talk, and honestly I just don't.  I really want to be alone and just lay down in my bed and do nothing and just kind of wallow, but I fucking can't.  I can't afford to do that right now.

Maybe I should not be doing this.  Getting the whole PhD thing, I mean.  I never come up with good ideas, and when I do, I have no idea how to measure things and I have no idea where to go or what to do.  I have no idea what I want to do in terms of a dissertation, and I can't even adequately answer a question about my fucking interests when giving a workshop presentation.

Bah.  I don't know.  I suck at everything, really.  I'm good at schoolwork, I guess, but once it comes to doing my own original shit, I fall apart.


I don't know why I keep trying, really.

I am so tired and sad and done with everything to the point where I feel like I cannot focus on any of my work and I can't help out with anything for anyone and I'm kind of trying my best to hide it but I don't know if I can very well anymore.

Still, I want to help out my roommate and stuff, but I am also in that weird anti-social mode where I kind of just want to be alone.  It seems contradictory, but both emotions are existing at the same time.

I should have written back to my students but I just care so little about pretty much everything that I have not even bothered.  Stupidly, I did agree I would have office hours tomorrow.  That was a mistake, because it is the last thing I want to do.

Three more papers left to grade.  Luckily, game theory thing is all done.  Tomorrow I'll work on my IR paper.


I'm so done.

I need to refill my medication.

Roommate is the friend I have been trying to console throughout his breakup process, and I feel like I'm getting more and more awkward and less and less helpful.  I know his situation fairly well...maybe.  I've been trying to make comparisons with my own breakup, though he and I were in different shoes in terms of our roles in them.  

I have no idea if that makes sense. 

And of course, I will continue being there for him, though...I do sometimes want to run away.  I want to run away and hide in my room or just with my puppy because then I do not need to think about things and I do not need to open myself up when trying to think of things to say.  That feeling makes me just think I am a terrible person.  It has nothing to do with what he is saying, really.  More, it just...it reminds me of the ex.  And our failure.  My failure.  

Plus...there is something possibly in development that scares me, and I do not know how to stop it.  At one point, he said that he has been comparing his girlfriend to me, and I had no idea what to say to that.  It scares me, honestly.  I don't know why, but it really does.  

I just keep thinking about the past, really.  

In other news, at the party, as I was leaving, my professor asked me how much I ate.  I was trying to tell her that I am just very picky, and she looked at me, somewhat concerned, and asked, "Should I be worried?" 

While I laughed and tried to just explain to her my very narrow range of things I like in terms of food, I was a bit nervous inside.  Is it so noticeable that now my professors are talking about it?  

I'm a mess.  But I'm trying to hide it more.   

So I was able to construct a game for Game Theory.  Originally it was 32 x 32 x 2, but I was able to reduce it to a 8 x 16 x 2.  It is still kind of big and annoying, but at the same time...it is based around the Hunger Games, so I am kind of into it, in a way.  I will be even more into it once I realize I solved it the way I want to and all and am able to write out the assumptions and the story.  Really, I would like to finish this tonight if I can, so tomorrow I could just start on my IR paper...

Drove through a blizzard to get to a party one of the professors was hosting.  And then I stupidly left murse there.  Oops.  

Though when I was there, I felt awkward and unsocial for the most part.  I tried to change it a bit but I just kind of was.  I did have fun with some of the first years though.  

I can't tell if I want something from someone.  Like.  Romantically.  Or whatnot.  I don't know.  

Failure

So my workshop presentation was...okay.

I just was underwhelmed myself, and I imagine everyone else was just as underwhelmed.  There were a lot of data questions I couldn't really answer too well, simply because my paper was a replication/extension on another piece, basically with me adding something into their model to show that their theory does not really hold anymore.  So, I became more versed in my method and explaining the results than about the actual data.

Plus, I was asked a few questions about my theory and my story, and while I thought I was telling one, I must have not been coming across clear enough, because people kept asking me about it over and over.

Bah, I don't know.  I just feel like I could have done far better.


I'm kind of overwhelmed and at a point where I both want to be alone and also still be with friend who needs company and stuff.  I want to help him so badly, but I also have this nagging voice telling me that I am the worst person for him to seek help from.  I have failed more than enough people in trying to aid them through their depression: I failed one of my best friends in high school when she needed me, I failed my ex to the point where he had to leave and seek someone new...

And my own sadness does not help.  I have been trying to ignore it or push it down, but I guess sometimes it is still incredibly obvious to everyone.  Really, it isn't even in the form of sadness, but more in the form of apathy and exhaustion, both physically and mentally.

I'll probably fail him too.  I'm going to try not to.  But given my track record...I won't be of much help in the end, most likely.

Meh.

Kanti is chilling at my school. Oh man. How did he get all the way here?

Also, prepping for workshop and I'm kind of shaking. I'm going to get schooled I just know it.

While I am giving my friend advice on what to do and how to handle the sadness and the end of relationship and other things...I am realizing more and more that I am a hypocrite when it comes to myself.

Our situations are so parallel.  I am telling him things that I am sure is true for him, but things that when I would point that advice towards myself...I would be skeptical.  (Mind my grammar, I am incredibly tired.)

But I am glad to be here for him.  I really am, and I just hope that I could continue to help as best I can.


...I really would like to write more, but I am too tired to form words from my thoughts.

As I try to help and comfort my friend as he goes through the process of trying to break up with his girlfriend, I am realizing more and more how his relationship parallels my past one.  He is my counterpart, always giving and trying and having patience with his partner, and she is my ex's counterpart.

And I know there is only so much my words can do, but I will continue to tell him how much he means to me and that he is not a bad person.  She has been selfish and cruel and mean and she never deserved him.  And she does not deserve him now.

Going to push down any of my own sadness so I could try my best to help him.  Because he deserves to be happy.  Even if that seems impossible for him right now.

Cerberus

So, roommate got me Cerberus squishable because he wanted to thank me for helping out with the puppy and also because he knows I've been feeling really down and sad and stuff lately (really...he knows that it has been throughout the semester).  I'm really grateful and eeeee Cerberus is so cute I can't even. 

We talked about some things, and I conveyed more of the story of the ex and I, explaining more things in greater detail and all.  When I finished, he hugged me and said he wished he could take all that pain away from me, and that he could understand why and how I'm not exactly completely over it all.  That it must have been difficult for me to have to deal with all the lying and the being led on and the inconsistent stories and the changed character and everything.  I really appreciated that. 

I need to grade papers and I really have no desire to.  

Also, look at my hand.

That is from my skin cracking on its own.  This always happens in winter.  My hands get really really dry and cracked and it starts to hurt, actually.  I usually don't like lotion but my knuckles are kind of burning and everything.  

False Reality

Session today went well, though I am finding that it is more and more difficult for me to talk.  It probably is because I am tired all the time and my mind is so jumbled that I do not really know how to exactly put my feelings into words.  This is probably a common theme within this blog as well.  I'm not exactly eloquent to begin with, and this lack of...being able to put my thoughts down has made it probably even less so.

We discussed my inability to sleep well, and the fact that I keep waking up thinking about things.  I either have dreams or I wake up with my mind running around in circles.  Between thinking about the ex and thinking about all the work I have to do, I just have been feeling run down and my mind has not been able to properly rest.

I mentioned how I keep thinking about responding, but I'm not sure exactly how to.  I think if I do, my response will include a shutting of the door.  Telling him to not contact me again.  But I also am afraid of doing that, for various reasons.  It is weird to describe.  Shutting that chapter just feels...I don't know.

And then I started thinking about the ex saying he fell out of love with me, and how part of me just does not want to believe that.  That maybe he is saying that retrospectively, as a sort of way to justify what happened or why he did what he did.  Part of me just wants to think of what happened more as a consequence of his own mental demons and depression; he could not make it work with the two people after me, so was it necessarily me?  Him just falling out of love with me makes me think that I did something wrong and that I could have done something to change that.  But him having a condition that just makes it...impossible for him to feel happy even when with someone who is good to him...I don't know.  It is more satisfactory to me?  Not satisfactory in general, but more than the 'I just didn't love you anymore' reason.

Because how could someone tell me how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me and only me be someone who just did not love me anymore?  Either he was aware of himself lying, or that was still somewhat true, right?  And then he convinced himself it wasn't true, to justify things that he did?  Or he just changed his feelings without reason, as someone else has described he does frequently.  That he is just really good at casting aside the people who care about him.  As he did with me.

Though, this is speculation and really is just me not wanting the "oh I just fell out of love with you" story to be true.  Because if that is true then it means that everything he said to me before breaking up with me were lies and nothing more.  And I don't want that to be true.

And really...I can't help but think that if I was half as incredible as he claimed me to be...he would not have fell out of love with me so easily.  That I could have stopped that from happening.

I realize I probably am just creating this false reality for the sake of myself.  Which is selfish at best.  

Rancor Wedding

So this is one of my sister's wedding pictures.

I couldn't stop laughing when we were trying to shoot it.


Need to work on a reaction paper today.  And hopefully start grading or something like that.

I have a terrible headache though, since I kept waking up last night and couldn't really fall asleep.

When I woke up this morning I really was not feeling too well.  I had trouble falling asleep the night before so when 8:00 hit the last thing I wanted to do was wake up right then and there.  So I decided to hit the snooze button, expecting to wake up for real in a half hour.  I guess I must have turned off my alarm later in my sleep, since I then did not wake up until 10:20.  The worst part is that I looked at my phone and saw the time and did not immediately realize where I was supposed to be.  I was confused and had trouble remembering what it was I was supposed to be doing, but knew that I was late for something. 

It then hit me that it was Monday, and that I was supposed to be in class. 

But the bad part is that I did not panic in the way I should have.  I had messages from both my roommates asking me if I was okay, and I read them and just replied asking if they thought it would be weird if I showed up so late.  When they said no, I reluctantly got out of bed and quickly went through my morning routine, including taking Callie out.  Realizing that driving and finding a parking spot an then walking from that spot to the room would take just as much time as just walking to class, I decided to do the latter.  I got there around 11, and during the break apologized to my professor.  He said that it was fine, he was just concerned about me.  

But the lack of panic showed me even more that my apathy has become more extreme.

Later when I got home, I invited friend-formerly-known-as-guy over and he and one of the roommates and I all cooked chicken cutlets and corn and fries and ate at the table like adults.  Friend also brought over crunch bars and we had some of that deliciousness.  It was a super fun time. 

Friend has seemed more...real lately, if that is the right term, and I am enjoying his company more and more. 

I really hate seeing couples.  I really fucking do. 

I didn't get as much work done as I wanted to this weekend, which will suck during the week and all.  However, I was dragged out of the house today to go to a restaurant with roommate and three other people from the department (two third-years and a fourth year) and it was actually enjoyable, despite my initial reluctance in going.

A good chunk of my book for Wednesday was read, at least, though I wanted to at least finish it so I could get to the reaction paper tomorrow.  Though the book is kind of killing me, so I might decide to react to one of the articles instead.


I have this weird desire to write about things but at the same time I don't really know what to say.

Part of me still feels alone, despite this weekend pretty much telling me that I am not.

And I hate that when I am alone, my thoughts drift to him and everything.

Which he does not deserve.  

So last night and today were filled with feels-related convos and Ace Attorney and things.

Last night friend-formerly-known-as-guy came over and brought me ice cream and hung out with me and talked with me about things.  I explained things to him about the extent of my apathy and he was able to fill in blanks that I was a bit hesitant to discuss.  He did tell me that if certain things were hinted at, or if I started doing things that scared him, he would tell someone.  Because he doesn't want anything to happen to me.  And he doesn't want me to hurt myself.

He told me some things about his past and opened up more to me, and I really appreciated it.

He told me that he would really miss me if I were gone.  And that was really nice to hear.

And then today I had talks with my roommate and opened up more to him about how I have been feeling in terms of the ex and my family and school and how it is difficult for me to care about much of anything.  He did say that it seemed like I was doing really well despite feeling that way, and I replied that it is because that is what is expected of me, essentially.

He then told me that my ex is "obviously stupid" because he left me and then manipulated me in the way that he did.  He said I am awesome and basically that the ex didn't deserve me and the love I gave and had for him.  That the ex was stupid for letting me go.

Then, when I told him my fear about people leaving me the way the ex did and that that is partially the reason I have been isolating myself from people, he said that he wasn't going anywhere.  He also said I should have more faith in myself, especially because everyone else does.  And gave me hugs and let me cry a little.  Which actually felt good, considering I have been having trouble conjuring enough emotion lately to do that, despite knowing that it would be beneficial for me to let things out and stuff.

We then spent the day together, playing Ace Attorney and going to Applebee's and watching Sunny and then going to see Catching Fire again (which I might be using for my final game theory project).

Sad feels really do come randomly and really do inhibit any kind of social interaction.

They showed up kind of out of nowhere and suddenly and thus I once again decided I did not want to go out because pretending to be happy right now just can't happen.  Go me.


Someone reminded me that everything that happened is not my fault.  It is his.  He cannot hold onto people.  He casts them aside.  He changes his feelings for no reason.

I will try to keep reminding myself of this.

At first I thought Callie just kind of matured with the addition of a new puppy in the house, but part of me is starting to think that she is actually depressed because of it.  She might just be thinking that maybe she isn't as loved or doesn't have as much attention or something.  Originally I thought that maybe she would really love having another doggie in the house, but she hasn't had nearly as much energy and has not been nearly as playful as usual.  And she hasn't been eating as much and she's been sleeping a whole lot.  I mean, she does at least still play with the puppy, but sometimes it seems more of a "I guess I have to" more than really wanting to.

I'll take her out for a walk now I think.  Just the two of us.  I've been taking the puppy too but it might be good for it to just be us two.

Wah.  Kinda bummed.

The fact that we are discussing the filibuster at great length in this Congress class and I am still bored and apathetic and sleepy says that either this class is less exciting than I originally wanted it to be at the beginning of the semester, or I am so fucking tired that I can't really pay attention.  One of those.

I stupidly decided to hold extra office hours today, which I know I am going to regret because I am going to have a long ass fucking line since the undergrads have their essays due tomorrow.  So many of them were asking to meet with me, though, and as much as I would have rather said, "no, I am tired as shit and have a fuck ton of my own work to do and I need that time for myself," I figured I should try and be responsible and responsive to them and whatnot.

Meh.

I just want to go home and go to sleep.


I'm just very morose still.  Not that that is anything different from normal.

And I keep wondering if I ought to respond.  It isn't like anything is going to change if I do.  So maybe there is no point.

Inconsistent, Consistently

"The only thing that has been consistent with him is his inconsistency."

My session went well, though I feel as though I blanked when I actually got there.  I talked about Thanksgiving and how it was good at times, but at other times I did not really feel much of anything.  I talked about how I feel like my relationship with my sisters has gotten really shallow: I do not talk to them about deep emotional issues anymore (at least on my end), because I am afraid of the judgment and the disappointment I will probably receive and cause if I told them exactly how I was.  I talked about how I have limited outlets for my depression and apathy; writing here, talking to a very select group of friends on very select occasions, and with Nancy...those are the only ones.  A lot of times, it is just here and Nancy.  Apparently, that is prolonging everything, because I'm keeping things bottled up inside.

I also talked about the emails and how I'm just really exasperated and sad and just feel like it really doesn't matter anymore.  And I know my saying that is just me kind of throwing my hands up, because it does still matter to me emotionally and everything.  I just...don't want it to, I guess.  If that makes sense.  It doesn't matter anymore.

And I said how I was kind of angry and everything when he said he hoped one day we could just be friends, because that would require me putting this all behind me, for one.  For two...friendship must be earned.  And he has not earned it.  I was also a bit miffed about him saying that he hoped I could understand where he was coming from one day, and like I had told him in an earlier email...I never will.  I won't, because it does not make sense at all.  And I could not imagine doing the things he did to me to him if we were in opposite positions.  I can't.

And him saying how this isn't what he wanted for us...it just made me laugh.  In a sad and dark way, really.

His feelings for me during the relationship were inconsistent, so I should not be surprised he has been inconsistent now.

I explained how, even though I don't want to blame myself, I can't wrap my head around the idea that I could in one instance be so perfect in his eyes and he wanted no one but me...and then in the next I am unloved and cast aside.  The idea that our relationship could just degrade the way it did; to go from bringing him happiness to misery...I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I did not do anything to cause it.

What did I do wrong?

At least, that is what the inner voice I try to ignore keeps asking.  I don't think I did anything that should have caused that...what did I do?  Why did it happen?  Wasn't I good enough to keep someone's love?  I tried to be.

I really tried to be...

Years in Songs

I will eventually write something more substantial but I got on the whole idea of me coming up with a playlist which describes the journey I have had and everything.  I know this is probably a dumb and juvenile thing to do, but in a way, the music makes things more bearable and more...emotional.  Which I usually would hate, but since true emotion doesn't come as easily to me anymore, and I've been stuck in this rut of apathy and everything, I figured this might be...good for me, in a way.

I do wish my library had a bit more variety, since a few favourites dominate the playlist, but I guess that is okay.





Section I - The Beginning 

"Bonnie Taylor Shakedown" - Hellogoodbye
"Baby, It's Fact" - Hellogoodbye
"Transatlanticism" - Death Cab for Cutie
"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" - Death Cab for Cutie
"A Walk Through Hell" - Say Anything
"Baseball, But Better" - Say Anything
"Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service


Section II - The Beginning of the End 

"You Can Do Better than Me" - Death Cab for Cutie
"The Ice is Getting Thinner" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Tiny Vessels" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Some Boys" - Death Cab for Cutie
"The Engine Driver" - The Decemberists
"Do Better" - Say Anything
"Tattoos Fade" - The World/Inferno Friendship Society


Section III - The End 

"Break-Up Song" - Bouncing Souls
"the Day I Turned my Back on You" - Bouncing Souls
"The Receiving End of It All" - Streetlight Manifesto
"Someday You Will Be Loved" - Death Cab for Cutie


Section IV - The Summer After 

"Kiss You to Death" - Alkaline Trio
"Love Love Kiss Kiss" - Alkaline Trio
"This Addiction" - Alkaline Trio
"I Will Possess Your Heart" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Death For My Birthday" - Say Anything
"Don't Know" - Stolen Babies
"Addicted To Bad Ideas" - The World/Inferno Friendship Society


Section V - The Separation 

"This is Getting Over You" - Alkaline Trio
"Wish Me Well (You Can Go To Hell)" - Bouncing Souls
"Every Man Has a Molly" - Say Anything
"Total Revenge" - Say Anything
"Red Rubber Ball" - Streetlight Manifesto (originally The Cyrkle)
"Second Chance Saloon" - The World/Inferno Friendship Society


Section VI - The Unexpected Reunion and Present State

"Help Me" - Alkaline Trio
"One Last Dance" - Alkaline Trio
"Lost and Rendered" - Alkaline Trio
"Lady Adelaide" - Benjamin Gibbard
"I Was Once A Loyal Lover" - Death Cab for Cutie
"She's Got Issues" - The Offspring
"Thoughts on a Liberal Education" - Say Anything
"Sappy" - Say Anything
"Hate Everyone" - Say Anything
"Punk Rock Girl" - Streetlight Manifesto (originally The Dead Milkmen)
"A Better Place, A Better Time" - Streetlight Manifesto/Toh Kay
"With Any Sort of Certainty" - Streetlight Manifesto/Toh Kay
"If Only For Memories" - Streetlight Manifesto/Toh Kay
"Would You Be Impressed?" - Streetlight Manifesto/Toh Kay
"Somewhere in the Between" - Streetlight Manifesto/Toh Kay

Return

Got back to Binghamton around 8:15 and didn't really do much the rest of the day.  I need to remind myself to submit a poster proposal for Midwest today, since today is the deadline.  I meant to do it over the break but I definitely forgot and spaced and did not think about it at all.  Oops.  But I figure it really is not going to be too difficult to do.  Maybe.  At least that is my hope.  The good thing is that since I pretty much got the work I needed to get done for this week all finished, I have time to submit it tomorrow at a reasonable time.


I'm really not all too happy to be back, and I'm dreading having to go into the office tomorrow, honestly.

I was thinking about a playlist to describe my life in the past two/three years, because I'm a loser and think about things like this.  I might put it up at some point, if I figure it out and want to do something with it.  I don't really know why, I just thought maybe it would be...interesting.  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm just being stupid and stuff.  Which wouldn't be surprising at all.


Part of me was wondering if it would be smart to tell some people about my inner fantasies and stuff.  But like...on facebook, which I know might not be as genuine as a face-to-face conversation, but I am really scared to do that.  I don't know.

I probably won't, but I had a dream about it, so it has been on my mind.

Went to see Catching Fire with Anisha and her sister and some others and it was still excellent.  I just wish I was able to hang out with her by myself and everything, since I have some things that I wanted to talk about and everything.  But I was too tired after the movie to stay with her, and she has to pack and leave early and everything.

I just had those sad feels while on the way back...those lonely feelings that sometimes occur even though I am with people and everything.  And I wanted to talk to them but she didn't really seem like she wanted to talk all that much.

And I just do not want to go back to Binghamton tomorrow at all.  The thought of it is making me dread going to sleep and waking up and having to go and all.  I didn't get as much work done as I wanted to, but I should have figured that was going to happen.

Bah, I don't know.  I just feel empty, when I should not feel like that.


...Eventually I will post something about stuff.  Maybe.  I don't even know if it is worth it, because it just doesn't matter.  It never did, I guess.

Really, I don't know why I do not learn to stay the fuck away from posts on facebook from 2011.  Seriously.  Why.  Why do I torture myself so.

And I guess the difference between then and now is a big reason why I still feel worthless and everything.  Bah, I don't know.  I should listen to friend-formerly-known-as-guy.  I should.

But again, it doesn't matter, at this rate.  What happened doesn't matter.  I should have anticipated it and everything, I guess.

Meh.

I need to read more, but I really do not want to.  I just want to play more lawyers.  I'm on the third case and it pleases me.


Also stuffing is the best Thanksgiving food.  Seriously.

Turkey day was unexciting but fun nonetheless.  Watched movies and talked with people and played with doggies and made doggie sundaes and did not eat as much as everyone else but that is always true.  Plus, something I noticed was that when someone (I don't remember who it was exactly) started poking fun at me for eating so little, and that I should eat more, my mom said that I didn't have to, if I was full and everything.  Which I really appreciated, even if to her it seemed like a small gesture.


When I get back to Bing, I might meet a friend of a friend who is a girl and into the same stuff as me and I'm kind of excited and hope it all works out because I would really like having a girl friend at school and everything.  Yet I'm also nervous because I am awkward and shit always.  But it would be nice if things went well and everything.


Friend-formerly-known-as-guy has been really trying to cheer me up, reminding me that really, no one ever gets closure and everything.  And that sucks but exes being friends usually doesn't work, especially when the relationship was like one the ex and I had.  He then said:

"Allison.  You are hot.  And fun.  And a badass.  ... You deserve to never feel sad again.  So please.  Live your life without him.  ...  And move on to find someone amazing."

There were some other things between those sentences, but...I don't know.  Even though the ex even still says I'm awesome and shit, I just don't see it myself.  And for some reason, the ex saying it makes me feel more like it is not true than when friend says it.  I don't know if it is because ex betrayed me and was able to fall out of love with me easily and everything...or if it just a combination of that and my own self-hate.

He then told me, as the ex said, that I do matter, a lot.  And that so many people like me a lot.

And while the ex has said this, it feels more genuine coming from someone else, for some reason.  Even though I will probably forget it or not believe it pretty quickly.


Tired.  Super tired.  

So everyone is officially here.

And what is bad is that I don't really feel a thing.  Not the happiness that I felt when I first got down here, anyway.

Maybe it is due to the fact that I spent most of the day writing a paper that I truly this is a load of bullshit, and maybe some of it is still guilt over what happened to the couch and this feeling that my mom is still angry about it and now she and my dad won't like my pup as much.  Which I don't want, because she is really really good and sweet.  Just anxious when left alone...

I don't know.  The fact that I've been thinking about the thing I always think about and how it would be done even among family is kind of...well...I originally typed frightening but I deleted it because that is what it should be, but I just don't feel that way in reality.  It is kind of more...eh, so what?  It isn't like I don't think about that and its possible effects often, and those effects on others are really what deter me from doing much.

What is sad is that I really do feel like I don't matter.  Like I can be replaced, easily.  And I know people will tell me I do, but I just don't believe that.  I don't know why.  I don't know if it is because of what happened with the ex or because I have lost many friends over the years or because my older sisters got married or because I have become a loner and a hermit (in which case, my feeling like I don't matter is really self-destructive), or a combination of all these.  It is probably the combination.

And every time I want to tell someone the extent of my own self-hate and depression, I stop myself.  Because I do not want to put that burden on someone.  Yet at the same time, I want someone to recognize it, and reach out to help me...even if at the same time I know no one can do that.  And who the hell would even want to?  I tried to reach out to the ex when he was depressed because of my love for him, but no one loves me in that way.  And no one could, with me being this way.  And even if I was happier, it isn't like I ever had much luck in the romance department anyway.  The only difference is that back then, I was content with that.  Now it just makes me lonelier.

So I just continue on as if everything is fine.  And that's okay.

Sure, some people know I am taking medication and I am still seeing a therapist and everything, but...they don't know half of how bad it is, really.  And I am afraid of letting people know.  Because it is one thing to talk to Nancy about it: that is behind closed doors and is really not the same as telling a loved one that I think about what it would be like to not exist and that I often daydream about it.

Really, Callie is who I feel irreplaceable for.  And I'm not sure why, but...I just do.  Maybe it is a connection thing...I don't know.

Bah.  I'm just thinking, I guess.


Did you ever think that we'd be three steps from the ledge, 
Contemplating awful things and thinking about the end?
Nobody mentioned that the pieces wouldn't fit,
You can rearrange them all you want, but the puzzle it was rigged.

We swore we'd never stray, 
right before we went our separate ways.
And now we're looking back,
We're second guessing all the choices that we made. 

I probably should have done my research beforehand, since I just read a bunch of things telling me to not use a muzzle to stop destructive chewing.  Oops.  And I already bought the muzzle and everything.  I guess I could always return it or just keep it for possible immediate fixes or something.

So it is back to trying harder to crate train.  I just brought her crate downstairs and I put a bunch of treats in and she got in alright and everything.  That is a bit better than how she used to be; she used to not want to get in at all during the day.  Maybe getting older helps?  I don't know.

Of course, she might just be calm right now also because I am sitting with her, so I might want to do something where I leave her alone, but still listening to see if she is trying to escape or anything.

I might try and get her a sturdier crate for Christmas or something like that.  Those aluminium ones are looking really good, even if they are really pricey.  But it might be better to invest than just keep hoping she will get better on her own and stop chewing.  That won't necessarily stop her anxiety.

Bah, I feel like a terrible pet parent.

My own parents told me that I shouldn't worry about the couch since it wasn't my fault, but it really is.  Everything she does is my fault, especially if I should have tried to fix it by now and all.  I just want her to be loved and everything.  She is really good and sweet and playful...she just hates being left by herself and freaks out because of it.

She would be better off with someone else, really.  I'm trying.

I had an ex-related dream last night that I don't want to get into details over.  I'll just say it involved Friendly's and Wendy's and a good amount of driving around and stuff.

Also I am trying to write a reaction paper but because I suck at everything I cannot come up with a decent criticism to this theory and the introduction so far is a piece of shit and why do I even bother trying to do anything like this.  I'm never going to get published and I suck at teaching and I generally am just terrible at everything I try.

Bah, I know this is counter-productive to the whole self-compassion thing I am supposed to be doing, and I know I am supposed to challenge this sort of thinking but I just don't see the point right now.

I just want to play more Ace Attorney.  I'm enjoying the new girl and the new prosecutor is interesting.  And I love that the new detective is just as idiotic and manipulable as Gumshoe.

And I love that I found these comics again.  It describes AA4 so well.

Callie chewed up my parents' couch while we were gone, despite being on a line and everything.  She has not gone after furniture, so I kind of don't understand, not to mention she didn't destroy anything when we were gone the other day...I don't know.  I'm going to try a muzzle now, actually.  I ordered one of those ones that looks like the muzzles they use on greyhounds when they race and stuff, so hopefully she just will not be able to chew anything when we are gone.  And maybe then I can try crate training her when no one is home; the muzzle should make it impossible for her to bite anything off if I choose to use zip-ties and stuff again.

I feel bad muzzling her, but I really am not sure what to do besides trying to get one of those military crates made of aluminum and training her with that.  But those are around $500, which I just do not have at the moment.  So this is my cheaper attempt.  If this fails, I might try something different.

My super last resort is to go to the doctor and get her medication to help her calm down.

Meh, I can't even take care of her well, can I?  She would've probably been better off with someone who has done this before.

It's funny that a few hours ago I had that whole post about her being my reason to hang on, and now I'm just thinking that anyone would be better for her than me.  I don't do enough with her, and I cannot help her anxiety.  I would never put her back in a shelter or anything, but...I don't know.


"You are an incredible person just as you are."

I don't believe that.

Incredible people aren't sad like me.  They aren't fucked up like me.  They don't isolate themselves from everyone and everything because they just can't connect with anything anymore.  They can talk to people about how they are feeling, and get over lost loves in a reasonable amount of time and do not dwell on them.  They forgive and forget, and understand things.  They are not cynical towards the world and not distrustful towards everyone.  They are comfortable with themselves, and they produce work that is worth reading and do not fuck around on the internet when they should work.  They are not apathetic towards everything they once loved, and they do not skip meals even though they know they should be eating.  They have motivation, rather than wanting to just sink more and more into the couch.  They cherish their memories, however painful they are.

I am not incredible.

I am broken.  A shell of the person I used to be.  Who was already messed up anyway.

Maybe I cannot be repaired after all.

My Reason

I get very discouraged and I often want to succumb to terrible fantasies which tell me I should hurt myself. That if he could fall out of love with me so easily, anyone could, and therefore, I should not trust anyone. But he is an asshole. Who lied to me and made me feel special and made me feel loved when I wasn't.

I didn't deserve that. I don't deserve it. Even though a strong voice still tells me I do not matter.

But I matter to this girl right here. And she will be my reason for fighting against those bad thoughts.

I am still incredibly sad right now. I still feel sick and I still am unsatisfied with his explanations and his reasoning, but I will keep looking at her. And I will keep trying to remember that he is a terrible, awful human being who abused my trust and manipulated me throughout everything.

And it is better to be alone than with someone like him.

So the amount of self-loathing I feel right now is kind of off the charts and I don't really know what to do. 

What is wrong with me. 

I just don't matter, and I guess that is okay. 

Easily replaceable.  Easy to not love. 

That's okay. 

I realize this sounds melodramatic.  It isn't supposed to, but I know it comes across as that. 

I just wonder if I will overcome fear and guilt enough to do that thing that I think about every day.