The drive down to the Island was...okay. I slept through half of it and then drove the second half, but roommate was down and I guess since I noticed him say that I have been cold and distance I've felt this weird tension from him.

After I dropped him off he sent me a bunch of texts saying how it seemed like I didn't care about him this past week and everything. And...I don't know. I got kind of annoyed. I shouldn't have, because he was just expressing feelings and everything. He mentioned that since his breakup, I hadn't asked him how he was. But I know I did the day of it, and when he didn't want to talk about it, I assumed that it might take a bit for him to want to. So I didn't ask. I didn't want to pressure him into talking if he didn't want to. I assumed he would come to me if he wanted.

I tried to explain to him that in order to finish everything I needed to for finals, I had to...basically only focus on my work. It was bad timing. I just had to. Otherwise there is no way I would have finished.

I feel like that is selfish...it was almost a self-preservation tactic. Until he came to me, I wouldn't ask, both because of my need to work, and my not wanting to push anything on him.

Heh, this is why I can't be the support pillar...or rather why I suck and fail at it. Because even when I do try to show people I care and everything, if I do not hide my own demons, people get sad. Again, it happened with high school friend, and then ex, and now it is happening again. I'm just a horrible person when people need long term support.

I won't lie, sometimes I really do not want to talk about sad things. I just want to distract myself so I don't have to feel the self-loathing that comes along with them.

I was talking to other roommate, and I explained to him that I don't think hurting roommate gets my weird emotional state completely...  I have passed from feeling nothing but deep horrible despair and loneliness...to feeling very little. A small range of emotions, with the occasional blip (usually to sadness but sometimes to happiness). But it is hard for me to convey that without coming across as cold. And like I've said, Nancy thinks it is because I have felt so much that everything has imploded and I have shut down, basically. So again, when I actually found a work topic I was interested in and excited about, I clung to that. And I wouldn't let go until my papers were done. I didn't want to, because I knew it would be a while for that feeling to return to me again.

Bah, this all makes me sound sociopathic, but even that isn't right. It is weird to explain. I care, I really really do.

Emotions...real emotions...they're just difficult sometimes.