Since roommate's plane wasn't getting back until 11 pm tonight, we were able to keep the puppy for one more day, and I won't lie that kind of made me really happy.  I like having him around, even if he is not technically mine or anything.  He entertains Callie and keeps her company, and he is just super cute.  I probably should have done some training with him, but I'll just say that he was on vacation so I didn't have to.  Though he did learn to walk up and down the stairs!  So that is something at the very least! 

I cannot tell anymore if friend and I are flirting or if we are just being really friendly with each other.  Is there a middle ground?  We keep talking about getting together and lazing and watching marathons of tv and eating cookies and demolishing people in games, and he wants to teach me to box and I said I'll teach him video games and play D3 with him (and both of us said that we would need to call each other senpai during said training) and we both keep whining to each other about how the other is not close enough and that we want to see each other.  Really, I just can't tell because I've said these types of things with flirtatious intentions and with platonic friendly intentions.  So I kind of don't know what to take from them, entirely, but I...honestly am okay with it being either one.  Which is weird, but I am.  I can't tell entirely what exactly our relationship is, but that is okay.  I'm alright with that. 

It is weird; it is the first time in a while I've been honestly okay with something being so ambiguous.  Maybe because nothing physical is happening?  That is probably the reason.  Even if these words are slightly flirtatious while being friendly (which again, I cannot tell), nothing physical happening means that there is no investment on my part.  

Which is good...I think I might be beyond the range of just wanting to bed someone to have that physical contact as a way to forget my own loneliness.  I did that for some time, though not as often as it would seem, but I think I'm beyond that.  That is good.  I think it is a sign I'm doing better than I was. 

(Or maybe it is all in the medication, which doesn't exactly make me really want to do anything physical very often...) 

Either way, I'm cool with it.  It is fun, talking with him about all this stuff.  

On a side note, I kind of hope that when I drop Murray off with roommate, he does not want to go into serious discussion.  I mean...I will if he really wants to, but I just still feel awkward about it, kind of, and I just am not really ready to discuss it.  Eh.  We'll see what happens. 

So far I've been a huge bum this vacation, and I guess that is okay?  All I've done is watch tv and play games and stuff...and part of me is starting to think that maybe I should do something else.  I did actually open STATA today and try to do something but I didn't get a result that really said anything so I just stopped.  And I wasn't in the mood to work. 

...Part of me thinks it might be a good idea for me to start running again.  I would instead prefer to play a sport or kickbox or something, but since I've been stalling on doing either one of those...running might be the best idea. 

Friend said that he was going to get a black card for Planet Fitness so he could drag me to the gym with him, which could be nice.  Though I am always weird about working out with other people.  I always preferred to do it by myself.  

I also hate restarting a workout regiment just because I try to do as much as I did when I last ended one, where I was in much better shape, and that just...is impossible.  But then I berate myself because I'm not in the shape I once was, and then it becomes more and more of a chore rather than something I should be doing for my health and everything.  I mean, of course it is going to feel like a chore because to me, almost everything feels that way (seriously, today I had cookies for lunch because cooking just seemed like way more work than I wanted to expend, and then I probably would've skipped dinner if my parents didn't make it for me...I find that when I come home, I'll not eat unless my mom or dad offer to make me something, which makes me sound lazy but it is more that continued apathy about food and everything; if I was in Bing, I just wouldn't have anything).  But I don't know how many people have expressed that I should get back into the physical activity thing, especially given my athletic past.  That abandoning sports (or rather, giving them up for reasons) probably had a greater toll on my mental health than I realize.  And I'm starting to think that might be true, but...I want to compete.  It is weird...I have nothing competitive that I am engaged in, and I miss that, in a weird way.  I almost wanted to get better at some video game (when I first was dumped, I wanted to do fighting games, but I realized that was just me trying to think of something that I could change about myself in an attempt to get the ex to come back to me...and then it switched over to Halo because I started to enjoy it so fucking much) just to have that competitive edge again.  I don't know what sport to play, since soccer is what I would want to do, but the team some of the profs play on (and so I have been invited) is 25+, so I still need to wait. 

Also, doing that requires I actually socialize.  Which is still something that seems less than ideal.  I really have found that I am okay with being by myself a lot.  Or just among my pups or my family.  

Of course, friend tells me not to do that, but he isn't here to drag me out places.  

Because of this not wanting to socialize, despite my having been invited places for New Year's...I might not go anywhere?  It seems like so much work to go...and I'm anxious about it all and everything.  I don't know...  On the other hand, if I go to my sister's, I might be able to drag friend to Albany or something and we could hang out there or something. 

I do need at least to promise myself to work on my own projects in January before the next semester starts. I really would like to at least do that.  

Got two of my three grades back: both As.  Hopefully my third will also be an A and I will still keep my 4.0.  Wooooo.