Inconsistent, Consistently

"The only thing that has been consistent with him is his inconsistency."

My session went well, though I feel as though I blanked when I actually got there.  I talked about Thanksgiving and how it was good at times, but at other times I did not really feel much of anything.  I talked about how I feel like my relationship with my sisters has gotten really shallow: I do not talk to them about deep emotional issues anymore (at least on my end), because I am afraid of the judgment and the disappointment I will probably receive and cause if I told them exactly how I was.  I talked about how I have limited outlets for my depression and apathy; writing here, talking to a very select group of friends on very select occasions, and with Nancy...those are the only ones.  A lot of times, it is just here and Nancy.  Apparently, that is prolonging everything, because I'm keeping things bottled up inside.

I also talked about the emails and how I'm just really exasperated and sad and just feel like it really doesn't matter anymore.  And I know my saying that is just me kind of throwing my hands up, because it does still matter to me emotionally and everything.  I just...don't want it to, I guess.  If that makes sense.  It doesn't matter anymore.

And I said how I was kind of angry and everything when he said he hoped one day we could just be friends, because that would require me putting this all behind me, for one.  For two...friendship must be earned.  And he has not earned it.  I was also a bit miffed about him saying that he hoped I could understand where he was coming from one day, and like I had told him in an earlier email...I never will.  I won't, because it does not make sense at all.  And I could not imagine doing the things he did to me to him if we were in opposite positions.  I can't.

And him saying how this isn't what he wanted for us...it just made me laugh.  In a sad and dark way, really.

His feelings for me during the relationship were inconsistent, so I should not be surprised he has been inconsistent now.

I explained how, even though I don't want to blame myself, I can't wrap my head around the idea that I could in one instance be so perfect in his eyes and he wanted no one but me...and then in the next I am unloved and cast aside.  The idea that our relationship could just degrade the way it did; to go from bringing him happiness to misery...I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I did not do anything to cause it.

What did I do wrong?

At least, that is what the inner voice I try to ignore keeps asking.  I don't think I did anything that should have caused that...what did I do?  Why did it happen?  Wasn't I good enough to keep someone's love?  I tried to be.

I really tried to be...