False Reality

Session today went well, though I am finding that it is more and more difficult for me to talk.  It probably is because I am tired all the time and my mind is so jumbled that I do not really know how to exactly put my feelings into words.  This is probably a common theme within this blog as well.  I'm not exactly eloquent to begin with, and this lack of...being able to put my thoughts down has made it probably even less so.

We discussed my inability to sleep well, and the fact that I keep waking up thinking about things.  I either have dreams or I wake up with my mind running around in circles.  Between thinking about the ex and thinking about all the work I have to do, I just have been feeling run down and my mind has not been able to properly rest.

I mentioned how I keep thinking about responding, but I'm not sure exactly how to.  I think if I do, my response will include a shutting of the door.  Telling him to not contact me again.  But I also am afraid of doing that, for various reasons.  It is weird to describe.  Shutting that chapter just feels...I don't know.

And then I started thinking about the ex saying he fell out of love with me, and how part of me just does not want to believe that.  That maybe he is saying that retrospectively, as a sort of way to justify what happened or why he did what he did.  Part of me just wants to think of what happened more as a consequence of his own mental demons and depression; he could not make it work with the two people after me, so was it necessarily me?  Him just falling out of love with me makes me think that I did something wrong and that I could have done something to change that.  But him having a condition that just makes it...impossible for him to feel happy even when with someone who is good to him...I don't know.  It is more satisfactory to me?  Not satisfactory in general, but more than the 'I just didn't love you anymore' reason.

Because how could someone tell me how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me and only me be someone who just did not love me anymore?  Either he was aware of himself lying, or that was still somewhat true, right?  And then he convinced himself it wasn't true, to justify things that he did?  Or he just changed his feelings without reason, as someone else has described he does frequently.  That he is just really good at casting aside the people who care about him.  As he did with me.

Though, this is speculation and really is just me not wanting the "oh I just fell out of love with you" story to be true.  Because if that is true then it means that everything he said to me before breaking up with me were lies and nothing more.  And I don't want that to be true.

And really...I can't help but think that if I was half as incredible as he claimed me to be...he would not have fell out of love with me so easily.  That I could have stopped that from happening.

I realize I probably am just creating this false reality for the sake of myself.  Which is selfish at best.