What if

It was told to me today that I don't give myself enough credit for how much progress I've made in terms of healing from breakup and everything.  Often I think I am still as bad as I was a year or two ago, but in reality that isn't the case at all, according to others, especially Nancy.  I told her how I still think about him a lot - every day, if I'll be perfectly honest - and how to me, that signals that I'm still hurting as much as I was.  That if I was over him and over our relationship and everything he did to me, I would not think about him as much as I do, and I wouldn't jump to compare people to him so often.

When she asked me what my thoughts usually are when they go to him, I told her the truth: that I play out these 'what would happen if we saw each other again' scenarios in my head.  Most of the time they are implausible and would never actually happen, but it is where my mind jumps.  And I keep wondering if things would be any different now, if I could look at him and not shake and feel as though I am going to throw up.  The anxiety I feel about possibilities of seeing him are derived more from...the unknown, I suppose.  If that makes sense.  What would happen?  Would things be any different?  If so, how would they be different?  Would he have changed for the better?  For his sake, I do hope so, truly.  Not only because I always sincerely wanted him to be a good person, but also because the things he does appears to drive away all those who honestly and truly care about him.  Those who appreciated him for more than just his intellect or his fighting game skills.  And really, as much as I have hoped him to be alone and I know that it really would still hurt for me to see him with someone else, no one who at least wants to change for the better deserves that.  The only thing is wanting to change and actually making the step to do it.  To actually try to see things about yourself and become healthy, mentally.  And I know it is odd of me to say that, but I guess...I have tried to do that.  I'm more aware of things that I do and how I think than I once was.  If I did nothing I probably would be either dead or hospitalized. 

I was reminded that, a year ago, the idea of seeing him would have utterly terrified me.  That I would have froze and panicked, and I would have avoided any events where there was even the slightest possibility he would show up.  Now, there is just some anxiety and some...pensiveness, if that is the right way to put it.  Curiosity, even.  What would happen?  How would I react?  How would he react?  Would I be able to function?  Would the chemistry which was once between us resurface?  Or would I just become incredibly sad again?  Would I be able to suppress any residual feelings that have remained?  Would I see him and think about how he left me so suddenly and caused me more pain than anyone else I have ever met?  Would I think about the lies and how he led me on to keep me from walking out of his life (while also telling me that we should stop talking, thus effectively putting the blame on me when we didn't)?  Would I think about the idea that I never really meant much to him, and that he never loved me as much as he claimed? 

Would I think that really...things were not so bad, effectively ignoring all the hurt I endured to try and make him happy?  Or would I recall exactly everything, becoming just as angry and hurt as I was and have been? 

Either way, I guess actively thinking about this sort of thing instead of only dreaming about it is a sign that I have at least healed a little bit. 

It doesn't mean that the emotional hurt has subsided.  It just means that...I don't know.  I'm dealing with it better than I was in the past.