Sometimes I feel like a horrible feminist because I have internalized the idea of needing to be skinny so much that even while being underweight, I was uncomfortable with the idea of gaining.  My lack of food really is tied more to anxiety/depression and to habit than it is to body image, but I guess when you start, the body image stuff starts becoming more prevalent in your mind, I suppose.

I read things about how important it is for people to love and respect their bodies, no matter what size.  And while I would tell anyone that they should love themselves, I refuse to point that advice toward myself.  Or rather, I want to, but I guess just me telling myself that isn't enough.

I suppose it is part of my perfectionism, deep down.  My perfectionism which sets certain standards and certain necessities to myself that I do not put on others.  That other people can be perfect while being any size, while I can only range from this number to that number on the scale.  And even when I'm in that range, I'm still not happy.  I'm not fit enough, toned enough, muscular enough, etc., etc.  I'm always finding things wrong, even in my appearance.

And all those thoughts make me less want to go to say, the gym, or go running, or eat healthy, etc.  Because I know that it won't change anything.  I'll just find more to dislike about myself.  So I just get tired.

Man, I dunno.  Probably not the best thing to be thinking about in the morning.