So I had a very disturbing dream last night, but one which has been familiar to me, I guess. It has been a recurring one for the past few years, only showing up occasionally, but it is still fucking terrible and I hate it.
Basically, one of my sisters commits suicide (in this one it was my eldest sister). And this leaves me walking around in a daze, unable to focus or eat or go near anything of hers whatsoever. My parents and other siblings try to talk to me and comfort me, but I don't respond, and I only cry when I am outside the view of others. I even tried calling the ex in this particular dream, but I believe I hung up once he answered, knowing that he wouldn't be able to help and feeling stupid for thinking he ever could.
But then I realize I'm able to see her ghost and talk with her. This time I was able to realize it because her pup kept barking and then would run to me as if I were her and then she appeared to me. I wanted to hug her but I wasn't able to, given...you know, she was a ghost. And despite that I was able to communicate with her, I was never given a reason for why she would do that to herself. While I was happy I could talk to her, I was still sad overall, and everyone thought I was insane because only I was able to see her. And that made me start thinking that I was going insane; that my grief had caused me to hallucinate her so that I could talk with her and hang out with her still. So that I could be in denial about what had happened.
And of course, it all feels so fucking real. So that when I wake up I feel terrible and am tempted to call her to make sure that she is okay but knowing that I'm just being paranoid and should try and go back to sleep but being unable to do so.
That dream always has me fucked up for a few hours. And it doesn't help that my headache hasn't gone away at all, either.
No comments:
Post a Comment