Due to circumstances at Target, I migrated to campus, where former friend-guy was, unbeknownst to me.  He showed up at computer lab as I was working and kind of tried to talk to me, though I was really cold and shit because he probably is one of the last people I wanted to see and talk to.  He left and then returned after checking fb, and said that he thought that if he checked he would see why I responded the way that I did.

At first, he said he didn't want to bother me while I was working, but since he already was doing that, I just told him why: that I thought it hypocritical and gross that he would flirt with me and shit while simultaneously posting on there how much he adores and loves his girlfriend.  And that I did not want to see that shit anymore.  I did say that I was angry with myself as well, since I know that I shouldn't do that with someone who is in a relationship, as it is not fair and is kind of gross and shit.

He said that he could not talk to me over the summer and after some silence I just said that that would probably be best.  I wouldn't look at him, because I was angry and sad and all that fun shit.

After he left, I angrily tried writing a few more sentences but after I couldn't correctly spell the word 'foreign' for some fucking reason, I just chose to sit and stare into space.

Then of course, since I was already sad, I looked at pictures of me with the ex when we were happy and shit, which made things fucking worse.  And that stupid lump in my throat started forming and I just was thinking about how everyone I come to have feelings for ends up doing terrible shit to me and how I am a naive idiot who keeps hoping that they will show me that they are not horrible human beings and because of that hope I keep getting disappointed and keep wanting to shut everyone out.  Fuck, I even still hold a small sliver of hope that the ex could actually be the decent person I thought he was, but that is just there because...I don't really know why.  I know that despite that small hope, nothing will change.  He won't.  Former friend-guy won't.  Because they are the people who end up with friends and people who love and adore them despite everything they've done and do.

Whereas I am the person who ends up feeling alone and sad despite trying to do the right thing.

I don't want this to sound like a "nice guys finish last" argument, because that really is not what I'm trying to get at here.  It is more that I am just ignorant to the horribleness of people, sometimes, and put too much faith in them.  That the faith I once had caused me to hurt, because I refused to see and acknowledge what was right in front of me.