So this post might not be as detailed as I want it to be, because today has been very interesting and eventful, and the fact that it is almost 4 in the morning and I'm still awake can attest to that.
Today was the day of the department baseball game. However, before that, we still had the workshops, as usual. In between the IR and the American/Comparative one, a prof whom I am very friendly with saw me waiting in the main office (to get my reimbursement check for Midwest which was so fucking good to get and look at and I got back way more than I originally anticipated and yay money), and asked me about something I wrote on his facebook for one of his pictures. While he seemed as though he thought it was a joke, he did mention that it wasn't good, and so he asked me if everything was alright. Rather than lie and say "yeah, everything is fine," I decided to overcome my own anxiety and say that everything really was not fine and I was having some difficulties. His face immediately because super concerned, and then he offered to talk with me after the workshop if I wanted to.
And I took him up on that offer, and I am very glad I did.
I explained how I am feeling really anxious and everything and the fact that I am the only woman in my cohort is grating on me and that I fear I'm treated differently especially by my only guy professor this semester. It makes me uncomfortable and sad and I mentioned that I'm afraid nothing I write for him will be good enough and it is really disheartening. That I also asked him if it would be okay for me to take extensions in the beginning of the year and now seems annoyed by that fact is likewise demoralizing and makes me not want to do any sort of work. Prof was very very concerned with this, and so told me that - id I wanted - he could ask around and try and find a way to help, because he doesn't like this idea that I am so unhappy that I'm taking a leave of absence.
He was just really supportive and everything, and he also reassured me that people recognize that I do good work and that I am someone they want to see succeed because they think I can and they know I'm not just blowing things off and all. And that if anyone challenged my continuation throughout this program, I would have many defenders, being one of the top of my cohort.
When I mentioned my depression and anxiety, he did say that - for what it is worth - that I am incredibly good at hiding it. I said that was because I went through this long history of denial before recognizing, again, that the thoughts I had about if I should do the thing were dark and not very normal (though I left that part out). I was pretty good at pretending. I still am.
We went on about how academia refuses to acknowledge many mental health problems that are clearly there, and how it is still very difficult for women in this field and in the entire profession in general.
And then somehow we got on vacations, tv shows/movies, sports, and some other random topics.
Overall it was really really nice to be reminded that people do want me to succeed and actually do care about me. He is very good to me, and I appreciate having that more than he realizes.
Okay...since this is longer than I thought and I am falling asleep at keyboard, I am going to sleep and continue about the rest of the shenanigans tomorrow.
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