It is not unusual for me to spend hours doing absolutely nothing, either just staring into space or mindlessly looking at facebook and tumblr or playing on my phone or halfheartedly watching television.  And after I finished my paper this evening, that is exactly what I did.  Instead of doing something fun during that time, to maybe recharge my mind so that I can continue to work on stuff nonstop throughout the week, I did a combination of those things.  Really, I almost wish I could say that I do those things out of laziness.  But it isn't so much laziness; it isn't a 'I don't want to do these other activities.'  Instead, it is more thinking that doing anything outside of those minimal-effort things is practically impossible.  They seem as though they require far too much effort.  Definitely more than I feel as though I can expend.  Everything that should be fun to me just seems like a chore to get started, and so I instead waste away on the couch or in bed for hours, wondering how I could spend so much time doing absolutely nothing.

Sometimes I would argue that those types of days are necessary.  And yes, they are.  But I have them day after day after day.  Even my small breaks when I am actually productive for school involve me just staring into nothing or whatnot.  Rarely are the breaks I take 'fun.'  My life is either school or nothing, according to the activities I seem to engage in.

Nothing I used to love seems all that interesting to me anymore.  Sure I have fun sometimes when I am with friends, but even that requires effort and I don't have a wide variety of those here in Binghamton.  Plus, finals time kind of can make things tense: everyone is on edge, and all everyone wants to talk about is work.  And despite that I also fall into that trap, I tend to do that as well.  Though I try to stick with theories and ideas and not ask about how far people are or how much they have left to do and if they think they'll be able to finish on time, etc.  Because I fucking hate being asked those questions.  Yet I get them all the time.

So my time during finals week is usually spent more alone than with people, at least emotionally, if that makes sense.  I really don't talk to people on topics outside of my work, and though I can be physically around people, I end up feeling alone still and wish they would leave.


Side note: I might need to start watching Once Upon a Time again.  Elsa is supposed to be a major part in the next season.


Also is it bad that I look at pictures from October when I bordering on underweight (I was told) and kind of want to look like that again?  Probably.  It is probably bad.