So I thought that I would just run out and test drive some stuff this morning and that was it.  That I would go around, get some information here and there, and then return home and compare prices and deals and see what was best.  At first, I went out with the intention of getting a used car.

But then, hours later, after looking around and talking with people, I ended up locking myself in to a lease for a new 2013 Nissan Sentra, all decked out with accessories and shit.  Seriously, I think I have around or over $6000 in extra shit.  Why?  Because the already great deal that they were going to give me when I went to them around 2 or so was based on the basic 2014 model, and the ones they were going to lease to me were sold.  So, they decided to give me this one instead, for the same price, which again was awesome due to the fact that my dad knew the manager of the place.  So negotiating wasn't even necessary.  He just did a name drop and that was it.

And then after that was all done I met up with and had dinner with a great friend of mine who was visiting from the city.  I don't think I've seen him in months.  It was great talking to him, and I was able to talk out some more things and realize some stuff...which I really - again - should write about sometime soon.

So I only just remembered that The Menzingers were holding a concert in NYC today and I am now mad at myself more than a little bit for forgetting that, because I definitely would have liked to go.  And driving to Philly for tomorrow night's concert just isn't very appealing to me at the moment, especially since I am supposed to go browsing for cars in the morning.  I know there is a concert in Rochester next week but I don't plan on being back in Bing by that time.  Poop.  After that, I think the next possible concert of theirs to go to would be in Baltimore on my birthday.   Which could be doable, maybe, if I brought people with me and made it into a fun birthday trip.  Maybe I can ask friends or something.  Honestly, I have not had a very decent or fun birthday in a long time.  Actually going somewhere and doing something for a few days for it might be fun.  Perhaps we can hit a few cities and concert and hang out and stuff, and hit up Baltimore on my birthday and go to concert.

That would be fun, I think.  I know some parts of Baltimore due to that being where Otakon is, so it'd be cool to explore more of it.  I'll need to think on this some.

Also I didn't eat until dinner today because I was sucked into book, but when I did I ate too much, and I've felt kind of gross ever since.  But that is okay, because it was Friendly's and it was delicious.

ASoIaF

After spending some time on agility training and playtime with Callie, I decided to start the first book in the A Song of Ice and Fire series (aka - Game of Thrones).  It is the first book I've picked up for fun reading since...I don't know, more than two years ago?  I think the last thing I truly read for fun was The Hunger Games trilogy.

Despite going through the HBO series super quickly, I didn't really think I was going to get into the novels.  Reading for fun usually doesn't interest me anymore, since I read all the time for school, and I heard that George R.R. Martin's writing style was a bit Tolkien-ish.  Now don't get me wrong, I love Tolkien's stories, but sometimes he was a bit...excessive with the descriptions for my taste, and made it hard for me to read through a lot in one sitting.

Yeah no.  I'm over 200 pages in.

It is so fucking good, holy shit.

I'm really sad about knowing what is going to happen because I fucking love the Starks, especially Ned.  Even more than I did in the show.  (Though I suppose that is somewhat unfair, since the majority of what I have read so far has been following the Starks.)

Truthfully I do get a bit weirded out over some of the ages, having gotten used to them being aged up in the show for reasons and because of my modern upbringing, I guess, but I try to not let that bother me all too much.


On a weird note, former friend-guy, who I said I didn't want to speak with over the summer because of reasons I have gone through, sent me a squishable snapchat picture.  And while it was cute, I was also a bit unsettled.  Luckily though, book quickly sucked me in again and I didn't think much about it.  Book also kept me from thinking a lot about ex today, which was awesome (though for a fleeting moment I couldn't help but wonder if he would like it...I kind of doubt it, for some reason).

Eventually I'll maybe get to my most recent thoughts on that front (and I know I've said this too many times), but at the same time, I've been in a good mood lately, and I'm worried that if I think too too much about it right now I will ruin that.

Cosplay Ideas

Alright, I still have no idea what I'm going to do in terms of an Otakon cosplay, since my original plan of Blackquill kind of fell through, it appears.  So I'm thinking about different things, trying to take into account the amount of time I have, the level of skill I have/my friends have in terms of making things, and the amount of money I want to spend.  Though truthfully, this list will probably be more...what I would like to do at some point, maybe.  Or just things that I'm still debating for now or for the future, at some point.

Lucina from Fire Emblem: Awakening
someone (unknown right now) from Game of Thrones
Elsa (mid transformation) from Frozen
Sho Minamimoto from The World Ends with You
Female Demon Hunter from Diablo III
Kurisu Makise from Stein's Gate
Cornelia li Britannia (R2) from Code Geass 
Blind Mag from Repo! The Genetic Opera
Katniss Everdeen (wedding dress) from The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Teresa of the Faint Smile from Claymore

I might think of more, but these are the ones on my mind at the moment.  Elsa I want to do, but I know there will be so many of her at Otakon, which is why I'd want to do her mid-transformation sequence, but that is probably outside anyone's skill set.  The female Demon Hunter is who I really wanted to play, but I want to include armour, meaning that I can't really do that this year.  The same thing goes with Teresa, who has been on my mind for the past...three years, maybe?  But I would want her armour to be perfect, and I don't think that is capable right now.

Minamimoto is surprisingly the only male on my list (I say surprisingly because I usually crossplay; last year was the first year in a while where I cosplayed a woman), and I am more seriously thinking about him since he might be one of the easiest on this list in terms of clothing.  As in, I probably could buy rather than commission most of his stuff.

Cornelia, Lucina, and Kurisu might be possible as well, with Kurisu being the easiest of those three.  However, there is a weird emotional thing I have with the idea of cosplaying Kurisu (ex and I thought about cosplaying her and Okabe sometime, so...yeah, derp).  And Game of Thrones person is a toss-up, considering I don't know who I would want to be from that.

If I were to go the Katniss route, I would only want to do her wedding dress, or her mid-transformation into the mockingjay dress.  Which again, might be outside the available time constraint.  And if I went to Blind Mag, I'd want the hooded outfit she is in when she visits Shilo, though that would require contacts (her eyes being her defining feature) and a fuck ton of eye makeup, which I'm unsure if I want to deal with.

Hopefully I'll soon decide on one of these, otherwise I'll have to recycle an old costume or just go without one.

My views on food and eating are so warped that I sincerely cannot tell if I am overeating or if I have just been eating like a normal human being.

I actually started reading one of the books my professor gave me today, though I only got through two chapters.  I suppose that isn't that terrible, actually...I'm just used to having to get through an entire book in one day and doing nothing else.  But I was getting tired so I ended up playing with Callie and then watching some more Game of Thrones.  I am completely caught up and I might need to start the books at some point  It is kind of killing me not knowing what will happen, especially with one of my favourite character's life on the line.

Though I've been noticing that I think less about bad stuff when I'm home, at least for the time being.  It might still be a product of me not being here for very long, though it is kind of nice.  I also really do think that the more recent meds that I was put on have kicked in and have helped.  Then again, I am always skeptical.  Right now I'm not doing much because I do not want to; I want to just relax and hang out, but what will happen when I want to do other things?  I'm still avoiding, for the most part, things I need to get done.  Car searching has not even been thought about, really.  Cornelius is still in my garage instead of being donated or anything like that.  I should think about other things to do during the summer, since unless I do, I won't go anywhere or do anything.  I am supposed to do things I have not been able to do during the school year.

Obviously, I do still think about stuff and get sad, but it is less when I am distracted.  GoT has given me a great distraction so far, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep those distractions coming.  When I think about things, it is usually while I am on a walk and have nothing else to think about.  And the usual will pop up, and the usual will be contemplated.

I am worried that my disposition is going to cause me to want to do something stupid though.

GoT Watchins

So I'm already in the middle of season 3.

Faves include Daenerys Targaryen, Arya Stark, Tyrion Lannister, and Margaery Tyrell.  Though I do want Daenerys to win in the end.  She's such a fucking boss, and technically, she is the one who should rule by birthright anyway.  But I just want her to go in and destroy and take her shit back.  I just also hope that these people get to stay alive.  And that Arya gets to have some revenge and shit.

Obviously, I am on board the 'Joffrey is a little shithead' train, though I also hold disdain for his mother and grandfather.  Not because they're bad or boring characters, but because they are just awful awful people.  Jamie I have mixed feelings toward, and I'm trying to not let the rape scene in season 4 ruin him, as I know that is not how things were done in the book.  I did kind of ship him hardcore with Brienne even before he helped her (more so after), just given his banter and her exasperated responses.

Basically, I hold no love for the Lannisters save Tyrion and maaaaybe Jamie, though I don't think I'm alone in that.

But if I had to pick someone to follow in that universe, it would no doubt be the mother of dragons.

(Sorry.  Had to talk about this because I am consumed at the moment.)

Even though I should stop, I'm still reading about the Santa Barbara shooting and how mainstream media seems to be downplaying how this is an issue about misogyny, not mental illness.

And then I am seeing men laud this piece of shit as a hero, saying that women could have prevented this is they just fucked him and it is all so fucking angering and just...sad.  It really is.  It is disheartening that there are so many people out there who would defend him.  It is.

I started looking up places where I could learn martial arts.  Specifically, I'm looking for Krav Maga classes.


Enjoyed my day outside with family, and I played with Callie and the hose for a while.  As in, I turned on the mist and sprayed her and stuff as she ran back and forth and it was a lot of fun.


Still aware that I should talk about other serious things, but.  I don't want to right now.

Santa Barbara

Tonight, as a woman, I feel unsafe.

Really, I feel unsafe a lot of times, though less so when I have Callie with me wherever I go.  The presence of a big black dog at my side probably has helped at least once in preventing unwanted advances or conversations with me. 

But tonight especially, I feel unsafe. 

When a boy who is but a year younger than me decides that, because he has "been denied" sex and is still a virgin at 22, he will "slaughter" women "like animals."  

Yes, I did watch his video.  Part of me wishes I didn't.  Because it legitimately frightened me. 

Me.  Who has honestly not had as many terrible experiences as others have.  Who has been privileged enough to grow up with a family who loved her and who has been able to think of ways to escape violence, for the most part.  Who has successfully gotten away from people through polite words and smiles, giving them what they desire momentarily before making my escape.  Often, I have given my number out and then ignored texts which came to me.  (Really, I should not give out my real number at all.) 

But this idea that there are men out there who think like this...it is scary.  Of course, it is not all, and I would never say that.  But there are a good portion of them.  And that police and the news would hide behind the mental illness card is infuriating.  Did he have a mental illness?  Maybe.  But using that instead of calling out him for what he is - an entitled misogynist who only saw women as objects to fuck - is ignoring so many problems in society.  It is ignoring the fact that there are plenty of men out there who feel as though they are entitled to sex, at any point, from women.  That if they say the right things or buy the right stuff or take her to the right places or whatever...that they have basically earned her.  A woman denying a man her body after he does these things is taking something away from him.  That is how people like this murdering piece of shit think.  And it is not as uncommon as people would like to think.  It really, really isn't. 

I have seen several men defending this human garbage.  Or somehow relating to him.  Saying that they "understand what it feels like."  Or MRAs jumping to defend their bullshit organization when he was indeed one of them, and also spewing garbage about how feminists are the real problem in society.  Or men telling women, when they comment about this shit, that they should have been in the crossfire.  Or men telling women that they should have just fucked this guy, cause then this would not have happened. 

No.

This trash should not have open fired on innocent people because he couldn't get a girl to screw him.

Most likely, he was a fucking creeper, and everyone saw through it.  Guys who talk about how much they are gentlemen and are nice guys and shit never really are.  They use it to cover up for the fact that they are actually dickbags who think sex is owed to them.  That a woman is in the wrong just for not spreading her legs at their convenience.

Women are not objects.

We are people.   

And none of us owe anyone a fucking thing. 

Yo, body.  I'm getting real tired of this waking up at 6-7 in the morning even when I go to sleep at like...2 or 3.  And then being unable to go back to sleep.

This isn't fair I'm so fucking tired, why can't I sleeeeeep.

(Actually, I have talked about this with Nancy; she said it is still a whole ton of built up tension and stress from finals and other things.)

There have been past-relationship things I've been thinking about a lot, for some reason.  And they all still involve the 'what would happen' stuff, and things that I would want to say, and assertions that I would want to (maybe) make.  Such as this idea of taking all the bad shit that was happening to him exogenous to us, and then using that to basically hurt what we had.  And the idea that he is scared of letting people in and that is why he told me that I got "too close," even though I was supposed to be that.

Things like that, which I might expand upon tomorrow or something because I kind of want to get thoughts out and written down, but right now I want to watch more GoT.  It is so good.


Also three of the four sisters are home right now and that pleases me.  We're gonna see X-Men tomorrow with our papa because I demanded it.  (We all wanna see it anyway.)

I had a dream I was walking Callie and it suddenly got super muddy and she just got really disgustingly filthy and I was mad because I had just gotten her a nice Petsmart bath and everything.  Seriously, I was distraught about it.

Guess my brain really would like for her to be clean for a bit before she inevitably gets all gross again.

Also I've been looking for a place on the Island where I can go in and do some agility training.  I may have found a place.


Still tired.  Woke up at 7 for no reason and couldn't fall back asleep.  Might try to do that.

Home.

After going into the office to talk with someone quickly (which reminds me, I must send paper out tomorrow), and then fill out some paperwork and then I switched desks to one that was in the back of the same office.  I've been eyeing that desk for a while and it wasn't being given away because it was technically still someone else's, but we're all pretty sure she is completing her dissertation away from Bing.  Then took Callie to get bath and cleaned at Petsmart, and while waiting for her to finish I went out (./gasp) with people from my cohort.  It was nice, actually.

Then went back to the house, packed, and set sail for Long Island.

I'm super tired, otherwise I'd write more, but I will say this: I acknowledged a past demon of mine which hurt someone who didn't deserve it and apologized for it.  And he appreciated and thanked me, recognizing that it was the first time I ever brought it up.  I replied that I told myself that if I just ignored things, they would go away, though that isn't how things work and I'm slowly realizing that more and more.  But...despite that I was very nervous about bringing it up (as it was a main reason for something), I'm glad he appreciated it.

Like I said, more tomorrow.  (Also need to reply.  But sleepy.)

I was able to find some soft chewy treats for Murray since he came home from his surgery today and I wanted to get him something nice.  And since we already have what feels like a billion toys, I went with treats since he can't eat or chew on anything hard for the next few weeks.  They really had to cut in deep to get that tooth out.  Hopefully he will recover just fine and with no problems. 

Something I've been kind of bitter about since I was informed that former friend-guy is getting funding.  I'm not bitter about him getting it, really.  He worked hard, so he does deserve it.  I'm more bitter about...I guess what he did to me in the end.  I was supportive and helpful to him, and I did my best to help him even when doing so would take time away from my own work.  It would have been...nice to have been able to see his reaction, I guess.  

I'm aware of how selfish that sounds.  

I don't know.  Maybe it is just more of another example of how someone I cared for did something bad to me after I tried so hard for him.  

Eh.  Maybe I'll post more on this later. 

Starting GoT for real. 

I started learning how to code the protest data, and I am hoping that I will get faster at this because I feel like I spent way too much time figuring things out.  Blame it on my perfectionism, I suppose.  That pretty much sucked up my day today, between going to the meeting from 10 to around 2:15, and then going to agility from 4 to 5, and then trying to figure out coding stuff after that.  I might make myself do another country tomorrow to keep trying to figure out how to do shit.

I can already tell that LexisNexis is going to be a pain in the ass, though.


Also, Supernatural gave me too many feels tonight.  Holy shit.


Since I've still been busy, I still have yet to address certain things that need to be addressed because I am a terrible terrible person.

After I sent in my final paper, the rest of the day was spent cleaning my room (which was absolutely disgusting and needed it so fucking badly, and I didn't even do as much as I should have done), taking the pups to the park, and then watching A Very Potter Musical with roommate and eating pasta and then freshly baked cookies.  So all in all, a decent end to the day.  

Though in doing all that I neglected to look at the coding things I was supposed to read over before tomorrow's meeting, so I'll get on doing that before bed.  I did have to postpone my meeting with Nancy until Wednesday, since the meeting tomorrow is definitely going to go into that also, from what roommate told me.  

I keep thinking stupid things, however, and wondering things I shouldn't be wondering.  Really, I want to stop it.  I also came up with an insane idea that would be really fucking...I don't know, weird - I suppose - of me to do.  But it'd be like a test, almost.  Not that I am going to actually do it, though.  I often think of things and then just wonder what it would be like to do them.

Also wow my second year of grad school is done.  Holy fuck.  It still hasn't exactly hit me, honestly.

I asked my roommate to read my paper about the FISA court, just to make sure it was ready to head to my problematic professor.  Him telling me that it was well-written, well-argued, and a really interesting idea with really interesting results was incredibly nice for me to hear.  It really has been rough trying to appease this professor, and so I really appreciate continued reiteration that his issues with it and with me seem to be unfounded.  It just helps, considering I usually sit around thinking that all my ideas are shit and executed like garbage.

Obviously, there are some things I still need to do to improve on it, such as the model and obtaining more sources to explain things better, but overall I don't think it deserved the negative reaction my professor originally gave it.


But hey, officially finished with year 2.  Oh damn.  Now I'm gonna sleep forever and try and take care of certain personal things that I have been neglecting for the past two weeks.

A bunch of loud drunk people in my house makes it really fucking difficult to edit this paper, especially given that I do not believe any of the advice given to me on it is worth even acknowledging.

My god I am annoyed.

Instead of editing my paper, roommate put on Kill Bill vol. 1, so obviously I have had to watch that with him.

And then GoT is at 9, so I guess I won't be getting to this until after that.

Oh well.  I don't think there is that much I need to edit, and I'm actually wide awake right now and I think I will still be at 10.  So I'll focus on it then.  And if need be, I'll also work on it tomorrow morning.  It is basically done with some exceptions.  I don't think it will take long to edit.

GoT

So I've been an on-and-off watcher of Game of Thrones since its beginning, mostly because I just wasn't in a place where I could regularly watch it when it started and all.

But I've been regularly watching the fourth season and my god why is Tyrion such a fucking badass.  

He always was my favourite since when I started watching and has remained so now.

And I just wanted to gush a bit.

Also Peter Dinklage is such a great actor holy hell.

Heh, I'm a hypocrite.

I wrote this whole thing about taking steps and shit and having experiences.

But then when roommates come home and they are still all hanging out, I'd rather sit in my own room and try to fall asleep, despite not being very tired due to laying in bed all day.

...Also I didn't really eat anything today.  Oops.

Oh well.

Steps

I've had a terrible headache all day and so have barely left my bed but I am at least somewhat awake now after my shower and I took some painkillers so hopefully that will help.  Really, I just do not want to be like this tomorrow, because I still need to finish up that last paper, which will be astronomically more difficult if I'm feeling as horrible as I have today.


UC's graduation was yesterday, and I unfortunately was unable to go due to final papers.  But from the pictures I have been seeing it was a good time, and I'm really happy for all of them and especially for friends who deserve nothing but the best in their post-college lives.

Two years have gone by since undergrad was finished (well, technically two and a half for me, but two in terms of when I was actually handed my degree), and I do not feel as though I have done much since then.  Despite being in grad school and having professors who enjoy my work and everything...I just do not think I've experienced much.  As an academic, sure, I've grown simply due to the extra years of schooling.  But I feel as though I have spent those years not really enjoying anything in my life.

That makes sense.  I still am taking multiple medications to handle my depression and anxiety, and the times I have gone out to try and meet people usually are disastrous in the end.  I am constantly tired and my free time is spent doing nothing of value.  It is spent in bed, thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about, and mindlessly watching television or something.  I don't do anything spontaneously.  Driving up to Ithaca for a day just because?  Nope.  Can't happen.  I need to have some sort of a plan.  Even when best friend got stranded in Syracuse when we were supposed to go to Cortland made me hesitate, because it was an unforeseen event and therefore I hadn't prepared for it.  But then I realized it was stupid of me to hesitate, considering it was my sweetie.  (I should try and see how much plane tickets to Wisconsin are during the summer...)

The first year post-undergrad was also spent in particularly bad state due to my breakup, and I built up walls around myself once again.  And as I met people who then left or did something bad, I became more and more shut-in.  The company of other people became something I would rather avoid than have, and I wasted away by myself, ignoring the friendships I had, almost wanting them to dissolve so that I wouldn't have to worry about them or feel guilty about not keeping in touch as much as I should.  Still, I sometimes feel this way.  I still rarely want to go out and do things with other people most of the time.  Instead, if I want to leave my house, it is usually to do something with Callie.

Callie quickly became the most important thing in my life, and she saved me as much as I did her.  The terribly dark thoughts I always had subsided somewhat with her around, because the idea of me abandoning her is too awful for me to bear.  While I still sometimes believe that she would be better off with someone other than me as a pet parent, I know, from the way people who watch her for me when I am gone talk, that she would be very sad if I suddenly disappeared and never returned to her.

It is odd, perhaps, that I think more that my dog would be less able to recover from my disappearance than any friends or family would.

I suppose I cannot give myself no credit though, in these past two years.  I have been able to acknowledge some of my demons which I had previously ignored.  The sadness and perfectionism that I have felt throughout my life came to the surface when the ex broke up with me: I couldn't understand why things failed and I kept (and still sometimes do, to be completely honest) asking myself what else I could have done.  Despite him saying I was perfect, that couldn't be true, because if it was, then he would not have left and moved on the way that he did.  That was the way that I thought, and is a way of thinking that I still fall into at times.  I try to recognize it, though, and fight it as much as possible.

Deep down, I wanted so badly for ex and I to be together, even after I proclaimed my hatred for him.  I covered up how much I missed him with my anger (which was very real), and I learned to hate him.  But hating him also made me hate myself even more, because that deep desire to be with him became a sin.  So when I thought about it, I told myself what a piece of shit I was for having those sorts of desires.  I tried to get with other people as a way to forget about him, but it never worked.  They all left or did something terrible in the end.  And even if they had stayed, I would have still thought of the ex.  I still would have secretly wanted it to be him I was with, and because of that, all those encounters felt shallow, in retrospect.  Realizing how little emotion I felt during these and for many months afterward made me less inclined to leave my house.  I didn't want to go places and pretend to have a good time anymore.  Even things that I once enjoyed felt meaningless and empty.  They still do, a lot of times.  

I still find that connecting with others is one of the hardest things for me to do.  And despite the fact that I claim to want a strong connection again, I am too afraid.  I am too afraid of what happened happening again.  Right now, I'm still in the mindset where the potential future cost of a dissolved relationship is still greater than the benefit of having one in the present.  Which I know just leaves me lonely and empty, but it also keeps me safe.  And right now, I favour safety.

Even though I'm becoming more and more aware of what that safety does to me.  It keeps me inside.

And I'm starting to wonder what it would be like to go outside more often.  To experience things that I have neglected to do in the past two years.

My mind goes back and forth on these things.  I know that this seems somewhat of a change for me, and it has been something on my mind lately; UC graduation triggered my wanting to write things down.  However, I'm also aware that I am prone to...relapses, if you will.

I guess we'll see what happens in the summer.

Callie Cuddles

Trying to ignore my massive headache and feelings of failure with cuddles.

Went to bed at 4 and woke up at 9 to finish paper before 1.

Sent it in around 1:03.

It is fucking garbage.

I should've just done the mock comps.

Oh well.

One more paper to hand in, which is the one I basically have written and just need to address some of the bullshit comments my prof wants me to acknowledge.

But I'll take care of that tomorrow/later tonight.

I am seriously lacking in the sleep department.

So I'm gonna go do that for a while.

No.  Allison.  No.

You are not allowed to get sad feels right now.

You don't even have an introduction finished on this fucking piece of shit paper.

You are not allowed to get sad feels that make you want to sleep forever.

And you really don't have time to get into talking about them right now.

Get back to work, you fucking dumbass.

Stop sucking at everything.

Seriously.

Stop it.

Fuck this paper holy shit.

I think maybe I finally have at least a somewhat defensible dataset maybe?

Bah.

I wanna be done and I still have so much to write.

Why am I still awake.

I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Why.

Man, I am terrible.  At everything.

I don't know why all these self-loathing feels decided to show up at fucking 3:30 in the morning.

Ended up emailing IR prof asking for an extension because after realizing that case studies were the last fucking thing I wanted to do, I went around and started trying to use quantitative analysis with just a small sample of countries (I guess my "case studies," in a way), though finding data on levels of conflict and cooperation have been really fucking difficult for me for some reason.  I know there is MID and WEIS, but the MID doesn't really capture what I want (and truthfully I'm having trouble reading it) and WEIS only goes up to 1978, when my time is from 1975-2009.  Which is unfortunate, since the WEIS data seems to capture more of what I'm aiming for.

Fuuuuuck.

And since I've been working with data all day, guess what I haven't done?  Writing!  Oh yay!

Holy shit do I hate myself right now why is this so goddamn difficult why didn't I pick something related to fucking domestic politics that's really what I want.

This is hfdsjkfsdhjfks garbage.  I am garbage.  Why.


Random tmi: I miss being naked with someone.  I don't know why that specifically has been on my mind lately.  But I do.  And not even for fooling around or sex or anything (well, those too I guess).  Just kind of cuddles and skin against skin feels and that kind of cutesy loving kind of stuff.  And fun stupid stuff too.  Like cold seat.  And that makes sense to no one but me but I fucking miss doing things like that.

During this stressful time I really could use that sort of stuff.

You kind of ever get that desire to tell someone that you'd rather be alone to work on stuff but they instead just sit in the room you like to do work in but you can't kick them out because technically this room is for all grad students?  And even though they aren't exactly being loud or bothering you, you would just feel way more comfortable if you were by yourself?

Yeah.  That's been me since I got to school, basically.  Why can't I just have the computer lab to myself without people coming in and shit.  ./WHINES.

I know I'm being a brat and expecting to be able to take over this room just for myself is selfish.  But still.  I just feel weirdly uncomfortable right now for some reason and I'd rather do work with no one else in the room.  Especially since person in room is roommate who is always asking how my shit is going and I just am not in the mood to answer any of those kinds of questions.  Because it isn't going well and I'm sick of hearing that you have so much left to do and so little done and then say you have like...10 pages written already when I have none written yet.

Wahhh I just wanted to sit in here by myself why do people need to follow me all the fucking time.

Woo I got put on coding project with one of my favourite profs for the summer!

He did explain that I'll be getting less money because he didn't have enough from the regular funding source (as he had to spread it around) and figured that that would be fine since I already have summer funding from my fellowship, so this is augmenting what I already have.  And that, because of that, I'm not expected to work the full 12 weeks, 20 hours a week.  I calculated, and I could either do 9 weeks for 20 hours or I could do 12 weeks for 15 hours, depending on if he would rather have me on for the full term.  But either one of those would work given the amount that I would be getting in comparison to everyone else.  Which I am more than okay with.

Hopefully with the extra cash I can actually go out and get the car I so desperately need.  Seriously.

But still it was nice to be offered that position even though I have funding already.  When I said I didn't think I would be offered anything, I was told that he wanted people he could trust on this project and people he knew would be serious about it and who would do well on it and everything, and that he knew I would do fine since I'm a great student all around.  That really was nice to hear.  Especially with how I've been feeling lately at the end of this semester with one professor giving me shit over a paper for what I believe is mostly a personal vendetta, and another class paper which I am blanking on and now am going to be doing a qualitative case study analysis despite wanting to do something more qualitative.  Sob.  Maybe I can do quantitative stuff (sort of) within the qualitative analysis, I don't know.

I might need to ask for one more day on this, but I really don't want to.  Maybe if I can actually focus I can bang this thing out between today and tomorrow.  It wouldn't be the first time I wrote an entire paper over the course of two days.

This is a Rage-filled post.

I do an excellent job at coming up with paper ideas that are way too fucking complex for final class projects.

For publishable ideas, they are okay, I suppose.

But when I can't find data, don't know the literature, and feel that it might be best to change my dependent variable and thus my overall fucking question two days before this shit is due?  Yeah that is never fucking fun whatsoever.

Oh, and when I get a bunch of bullshit comments back for my other paper that is due soon, all of which I'm expected to address even if I did in the paper already, that's always nice!  Seriously, I think that my prof is just pissed that I changed my topic so late and that despite his objections I still did it.  And even though I've said on multiple occasions that getting certain data that he keeps asking for is fucking impossible because of the nature of the shit I'm looking at.  Finding how many times the President bypassed both the FISC and Congress?  Yeah, no, that shit is not observable.  Hell, even finding out how many times he goes to Congress can't be observed!  Does that mean my findings mean nothing?  No.  Fuck you, I want to look at covert affairs, which is difficult because of these very problems.  But I refuse to not look at these things just because you have some weird vendetta against me and just want to point out shit that makes no sense whatsoever.

Also "if this goes to a law and courts reviewer..."  Sorry man, when I try to get this out, it is not going to a fucking law and courts journal.  If it doesn't make the top three - which I imagine it won't - the subjournals I will look at will be ones for foreign policy.  So screw that.

And I have no idea how you want me to frame this at all.  I explained my theory and then my variables (which I explained and then you claimed I didn't, so fun for me) and then my model and all that fun stuff and you're telling me I'm combining two different styles or something?  I'm going to follow my own fucking style, you are the first prof to have a problem with it.

Oh, and "your outline needs an outline."  What the fuck does this even mean.

NONE OF THESE COMMENTS ARE FUCKING HELPFUL.

Holy shit I might take this paper to my adviser - aka someone who actually knows what he is doing and what he is talking about.  Just to see if I'm being insane or if all these comments are fucking bullshit and make no sense whatsoever.

I swear this is a vendetta thing.

I want to flip tables right now, holy fucking Christ.

Callie is over me using her as a pillow. But she is too comf to not lay all over!

Excluding Dean's face for the cover picture, this cover of Carry on My Wayward Son is giving me too many feels, especially with the season finale of Supernatural happening next week.



Also I should be doing work and I've yet to start because I just don't want to.

I realize how harsh I have been when it comes to certain things with the house and the pets and stuff and that that can be unfair at times.  That there are ups and downs and people help out when they can and you help out for them and everything works out hopefully okay.  I may have some different opinions or ideas about things but my way isn't the right way for everyone, and I should acknowledge that more than I sometimes do out of my frustration.  Which is the product, usually, of various small things that add up because I do not talk about them, or of unrelated issues that I am not handling very well and so everything in my life suffers.

I should probably work on that, really.  I am sorry to people who have to deal with my mood swings and my desire to be left alone and the apathy towards everything and stuff.  I am.  Things have just not been good to me this semester.  I'm trying though.  I am.  I have bad days a lot still, but I am trying.


Fun thing today: Callie and I were the only ones at agility today, because everyone else had other obligations, which meant we pretty much got a private lesson, which was really awesome.  She got a good mental workout in, and we were able to do something together.  When I told the trainer she has been sassy in the past few days and explained that I've been busy, he said that he wasn't surprised that she was acting up.  Because I have trained her to think and want those mental workouts instead of just physical ones.  And also she wants to work and play with me more often than I have been available lately.  So I said that even with finals and everything, I'll still try to do a little more than I've been with her in the past week or so.

She was an angel when we came home too, so...yeah it is probably that she's been bored.  He said that she was acting up or just trying to show me some behaviour so that I would pay attention to her.  Which makes sense, honestly.

I was also really flattered when the trainer said that he recognizes how well I read her and how I adjust my own behaviour when she is tired or distracted and that I am overall very patient with her and that not a lot of people have that sort of relationship with their dog.  That she and I have this special bond and that it is easily noticed by how I communicate with her and change things according to her needs and abilities at certain times.  And that I had done a really good job with her.  Roommate echoed this sentiment also.

And both times that made me really happy.

Because maybe - despite how I feel a lot of times - I really did do a good job.

What if

It was told to me today that I don't give myself enough credit for how much progress I've made in terms of healing from breakup and everything.  Often I think I am still as bad as I was a year or two ago, but in reality that isn't the case at all, according to others, especially Nancy.  I told her how I still think about him a lot - every day, if I'll be perfectly honest - and how to me, that signals that I'm still hurting as much as I was.  That if I was over him and over our relationship and everything he did to me, I would not think about him as much as I do, and I wouldn't jump to compare people to him so often.

When she asked me what my thoughts usually are when they go to him, I told her the truth: that I play out these 'what would happen if we saw each other again' scenarios in my head.  Most of the time they are implausible and would never actually happen, but it is where my mind jumps.  And I keep wondering if things would be any different now, if I could look at him and not shake and feel as though I am going to throw up.  The anxiety I feel about possibilities of seeing him are derived more from...the unknown, I suppose.  If that makes sense.  What would happen?  Would things be any different?  If so, how would they be different?  Would he have changed for the better?  For his sake, I do hope so, truly.  Not only because I always sincerely wanted him to be a good person, but also because the things he does appears to drive away all those who honestly and truly care about him.  Those who appreciated him for more than just his intellect or his fighting game skills.  And really, as much as I have hoped him to be alone and I know that it really would still hurt for me to see him with someone else, no one who at least wants to change for the better deserves that.  The only thing is wanting to change and actually making the step to do it.  To actually try to see things about yourself and become healthy, mentally.  And I know it is odd of me to say that, but I guess...I have tried to do that.  I'm more aware of things that I do and how I think than I once was.  If I did nothing I probably would be either dead or hospitalized. 

I was reminded that, a year ago, the idea of seeing him would have utterly terrified me.  That I would have froze and panicked, and I would have avoided any events where there was even the slightest possibility he would show up.  Now, there is just some anxiety and some...pensiveness, if that is the right way to put it.  Curiosity, even.  What would happen?  How would I react?  How would he react?  Would I be able to function?  Would the chemistry which was once between us resurface?  Or would I just become incredibly sad again?  Would I be able to suppress any residual feelings that have remained?  Would I see him and think about how he left me so suddenly and caused me more pain than anyone else I have ever met?  Would I think about the lies and how he led me on to keep me from walking out of his life (while also telling me that we should stop talking, thus effectively putting the blame on me when we didn't)?  Would I think about the idea that I never really meant much to him, and that he never loved me as much as he claimed? 

Would I think that really...things were not so bad, effectively ignoring all the hurt I endured to try and make him happy?  Or would I recall exactly everything, becoming just as angry and hurt as I was and have been? 

Either way, I guess actively thinking about this sort of thing instead of only dreaming about it is a sign that I have at least healed a little bit. 

It doesn't mean that the emotional hurt has subsided.  It just means that...I don't know.  I'm dealing with it better than I was in the past.

It is not unusual for me to spend hours doing absolutely nothing, either just staring into space or mindlessly looking at facebook and tumblr or playing on my phone or halfheartedly watching television.  And after I finished my paper this evening, that is exactly what I did.  Instead of doing something fun during that time, to maybe recharge my mind so that I can continue to work on stuff nonstop throughout the week, I did a combination of those things.  Really, I almost wish I could say that I do those things out of laziness.  But it isn't so much laziness; it isn't a 'I don't want to do these other activities.'  Instead, it is more thinking that doing anything outside of those minimal-effort things is practically impossible.  They seem as though they require far too much effort.  Definitely more than I feel as though I can expend.  Everything that should be fun to me just seems like a chore to get started, and so I instead waste away on the couch or in bed for hours, wondering how I could spend so much time doing absolutely nothing.

Sometimes I would argue that those types of days are necessary.  And yes, they are.  But I have them day after day after day.  Even my small breaks when I am actually productive for school involve me just staring into nothing or whatnot.  Rarely are the breaks I take 'fun.'  My life is either school or nothing, according to the activities I seem to engage in.

Nothing I used to love seems all that interesting to me anymore.  Sure I have fun sometimes when I am with friends, but even that requires effort and I don't have a wide variety of those here in Binghamton.  Plus, finals time kind of can make things tense: everyone is on edge, and all everyone wants to talk about is work.  And despite that I also fall into that trap, I tend to do that as well.  Though I try to stick with theories and ideas and not ask about how far people are or how much they have left to do and if they think they'll be able to finish on time, etc.  Because I fucking hate being asked those questions.  Yet I get them all the time.

So my time during finals week is usually spent more alone than with people, at least emotionally, if that makes sense.  I really don't talk to people on topics outside of my work, and though I can be physically around people, I end up feeling alone still and wish they would leave.


Side note: I might need to start watching Once Upon a Time again.  Elsa is supposed to be a major part in the next season.


Also is it bad that I look at pictures from October when I bordering on underweight (I was told) and kind of want to look like that again?  Probably.  It is probably bad.

I was able to finish and hand in my political parties paper by 4:45, 15 minutes before the due date.  Truthfully, I wasn't very happy with it; I found it difficult to put into words exactly what I wanted to express.  The idea is cool and I'm still interested in it, but I just don't think that I did a very good job explaining it.  So yeah, it was a load of crap.  But at least it is done.  Which means I can spend the rest of the week focusing on my IR paper, which I haven't looked at since I submitted my front-end.  Joy.

I probably should have done more when I got home, but I instead just watched South Park while sitting on the couch and playing quizup.  Because doing anything else was way too much effort, especially considering how little sleep I got last night.

...

Eh, roommate sitting next to me, and I get weird about writing when someone is that close to me.  More later maybe.

Due to circumstances at Target, I migrated to campus, where former friend-guy was, unbeknownst to me.  He showed up at computer lab as I was working and kind of tried to talk to me, though I was really cold and shit because he probably is one of the last people I wanted to see and talk to.  He left and then returned after checking fb, and said that he thought that if he checked he would see why I responded the way that I did.

At first, he said he didn't want to bother me while I was working, but since he already was doing that, I just told him why: that I thought it hypocritical and gross that he would flirt with me and shit while simultaneously posting on there how much he adores and loves his girlfriend.  And that I did not want to see that shit anymore.  I did say that I was angry with myself as well, since I know that I shouldn't do that with someone who is in a relationship, as it is not fair and is kind of gross and shit.

He said that he could not talk to me over the summer and after some silence I just said that that would probably be best.  I wouldn't look at him, because I was angry and sad and all that fun shit.

After he left, I angrily tried writing a few more sentences but after I couldn't correctly spell the word 'foreign' for some fucking reason, I just chose to sit and stare into space.

Then of course, since I was already sad, I looked at pictures of me with the ex when we were happy and shit, which made things fucking worse.  And that stupid lump in my throat started forming and I just was thinking about how everyone I come to have feelings for ends up doing terrible shit to me and how I am a naive idiot who keeps hoping that they will show me that they are not horrible human beings and because of that hope I keep getting disappointed and keep wanting to shut everyone out.  Fuck, I even still hold a small sliver of hope that the ex could actually be the decent person I thought he was, but that is just there because...I don't really know why.  I know that despite that small hope, nothing will change.  He won't.  Former friend-guy won't.  Because they are the people who end up with friends and people who love and adore them despite everything they've done and do.

Whereas I am the person who ends up feeling alone and sad despite trying to do the right thing.

I don't want this to sound like a "nice guys finish last" argument, because that really is not what I'm trying to get at here.  It is more that I am just ignorant to the horribleness of people, sometimes, and put too much faith in them.  That the faith I once had caused me to hurt, because I refused to see and acknowledge what was right in front of me.

I'm in Target and a) some chick was in the spot with the only available outlet so unless she moves before my battery runs out I'm going to have to migrate; and b) the two loudest fucking people decided to sit right next to me even though there are so many open tables around and I am obviously working.  I know that I should not really complain because I am in a public place but fuck, seriously?  Why'd you have to sit at the table that is adjacent to mine even with all these other empty ones?

Doesn't help that I forgot my headphones.  Of course.

I guess if anything I can go to the computer lab on campus.  I usually do well in there too.

Also I'm writing this paper as a theory of convergence and now I'm wondering if I should actually rewrite it as a theory of international cooperation.  Then again, framing this as a theory of convergence on foreign policy makes more sense, considering this paper is for my political parties class.  Just, the way that I am writing this makes it so that I am going to need to argue for two regressions: first one to see if cartel parties do converge on foreign policy, and second to see if that changes the McGullivray and Smith theory at all.

Bah.  I'm going to walk around a bit.  Maybe when I come back they will be gone.  

Despite thinking that this idea is actually really cool and combines two different sets of literature from two different disciplines, I'm having an incredibly difficult time figuring out how to structure this paper.  Should I frame it as an international relations theory, or a cartel parties theory?  Really, it is a merger between the two but I'm just not sure how to go about structuring it.

Which of course, sucks.

Man, I just want to do nothing and go to sleep and play video games.  Maybe if I write up some bullshit that isn't formal but gets my point across and then I can formalize it tomorrow or something.  I don't know.  This whole thing is probably going to be shit because that is what I produce.  Just a bunch of garbage that sounds good until I actually write it.  Then it turns into crap.


God.  Damn.

Why can't I just do this.  Why is finding the drive to do this so fucking difficult for me.

I know exactly where the fuck I want this to go.  I just can't figure out how to fucking put my ideas into writing right now.

I don't deserve to be a scholar.

Instead of doing my work I'm going to lay in bed and eat too many M&M minis and drink too much soda and be sad and sick and all that fun stuff.  Even though I've been self-conscious about my weight for some fucking reason lately.  Maybe because I'm not an underweight twig anymore or something idefk.

And I ended up de-friending former friend-guy on facebook because I can't stand him still flirting with me while also posting how much he fucking loves his girlfriend on there.  And even when I have it set for him to not show up on my feed, shit still does and everything.

Yeah, I'm being immature about it, but I'm not feeling well and I'm tired and stressed and want to go home and I have shit to do that I can't for the life of me gather the motivation to do.

Recurring Dreams

So I had a very disturbing dream last night, but one which has been familiar to me, I guess.  It has been a recurring one for the past few years, only showing up occasionally, but it is still fucking terrible and I hate it.

Basically, one of my sisters commits suicide (in this one it was my eldest sister).  And this leaves me walking around in a daze, unable to focus or eat or go near anything of hers whatsoever.  My parents and other siblings try to talk to me and comfort me, but I don't respond, and I only cry when I am outside the view of others.  I even tried calling the ex in this particular dream, but I believe I hung up once he answered, knowing that he wouldn't be able to help and feeling stupid for thinking he ever could.

But then I realize I'm able to see her ghost and talk with her.  This time I was able to realize it because her pup kept barking and then would run to me as if I were her and then she appeared to me.  I wanted to hug her but I wasn't able to, given...you know, she was a ghost.  And despite that I was able to communicate with her, I was never given a reason for why she would do that to herself.  While I was happy I could talk to her, I was still sad overall, and everyone thought I was insane because only I was able to see her.  And that made me start thinking that I was going insane; that my grief had caused me to hallucinate her so that I could talk with her and hang out with her still.  So that I could be in denial about what had happened.

And of course, it all feels so fucking real.  So that when I wake up I feel terrible and am tempted to call her to make sure that she is okay but knowing that I'm just being paranoid and should try and go back to sleep but being unable to do so.

That dream always has me fucked up for a few hours.  And it doesn't help that my headache hasn't gone away at all, either.

Steak dinner and Cards Against Humanity = fantastic.

Crazy bad headache, feeling tired all fucking day, sad feels creeping up on me suddenly = not so much.

...This was going to be more in depth, but staring at my computer is only making head feel worse.


Also, something nice which was told to me recently concerning my...issues with my judicial politics prof was that if I for some reason got a bad grade in that class, red flags would be raised, but not against me, because there have been plenty of people who have seen me in action and apparently really like what I do.

So yay.

And I loved that when I realized I interpreted my negative binomial regression incorrectly in the draft of my paper, the prof I go to for all the methods stuff told me basically not to worry about fixing it because the person I'm writing it for "won't know the difference anyway."  Aka - don't worry about it right now, especially if you have other things you need to get done.

That was kind of awesome.  (Though at the same time now I will want to fix it just because I know it is wrong myself.  Blehhhh.)

Sometimes I wonder if Murray is kind of aggressive.

I dunno.  Lately I feel as though I've been less tolerant of some of his behavioural stuff.

Meh.

Dinner.

Despite getting more than enough sleep, I have been extremely tired and lethargic and feeling kind of sick.  Which is, you know, great.  Considering I have things to do and places to go and shit.  I went to bed around midnight, got up at 5:30, then again at 8:30, and then I went back to bed around 9:45, and didn't get up until around noon?  Yeah, I should be fucking awake but I am not.  Yay.

Also I do not appreciate this 70+ degree weather already, seriously.  I really don't like the heat, and I was hoping for some spring weather before this shit hit.

I said two hours ago that I was going to take Callie to Petco so that we could go to the cookie bar and so that she could go out and I could get out of the house and everything.  ...I need to do that.  My treat stash from Christmas has pretty much run out.


Didn't get to talk to my political parties professor due to feeling like shit, but I guess I can always email her any questions if I have.  This paper being done on Monday is actually kind of awesome, considering then I can spend next week working on my IR paper, which I haven't looked at in a while.


I had weird dreams again, though I don't remember most of what happened, I guess.  Certain people made an appearance, but that's not new.

Ever since I got back from the doggie park I have just been sad and tired and I don't really care about anything right now, which is probably why I've effectively wasted the last few hours doing absolutely nothing.  I probably should have looked at stuff for my political parties paper since that is due on Monday but meh.  Whatever.  It'll get done eventually, I guess.

I just really don't give a fuck right now.  About pretty much everything.

Man, I should sleep.  My exhaustion is definitely not helping this situation at all.

Good thing about today is that it was my last class for this semester thank the fucking lord.  And the person who was peer-reviewing my paper told me it was crazy interesting so once again score for me and that paper idea.  Huzzah.

Oh, small annoyance of the day.  Statisticians, when you write log in an equation instead of ln, I assume it is base 10, not base e.  Get your shit together.

I had a dream that there was a presidential election between Mitt Romney and John Kerry and although Romney got 71% of the popular vote, Kerry still won by electoral college rules.  There was a huge uproar and even though I recognized it was unfair, I was still pleased that a Democrat got into office because of the rule.

Man.  Dreaming about this shit.

I think maybe ex was in my dream too but I honestly can't remember entirely.  Which is a good thing, actually.  Better than me dreaming about him and I and ~*stuff*~.  Yeah.  Way better.


Okay, I need to write this peer review before class otherwise my prof is going to have a hernia or something.  Although now I'm tempted to not just to spite him, but I realize I'm just hurting myself and my cohort-mate if I do that, which is bad and selfish.  So I'll try and get it done now.

Alright, I actually can go on for a while but let's see if that actually happens because I am tired and I should be sleeping or at the very least doing this peer review that I'm supposed to have done by tomorrow but I of course do not.  Hah.  Story of my life lately, especially for this fucking class.

Anyway, last day of IR class, and I couldn't bullshit as effectively I could for other topics, because, again, economics is not exactly an area I am familiar with.  And you know...I really don't find it very interesting, personally.  So I just kind of sat there, but I wasn't alone.

The fun stuff came after class.  There was a GSO Senate meeting, and guests are able to attend.  Since the executive board was trying to push forth a new referendum for the activity fees, which our department believed unconstitutional, a huge chunk of us showed up at the meeting.  First...holy shit these people have no fucking idea how a government is supposed to work and even less of an idea of how laws are read and what the fuck 'rule of law' is.  Oh, and separation of powers appears to be a foreign concept to them.  When you have the political science department saying that having the legislature also act as the judiciary body is a fucking terrible idea, you should probably listen.  I mean, we are the ones who know about this shit.  When it comes to political process, we are the experts in the room.  And when we tell you that the way that the executive board was trying reading the constitution was just wrong, you should also listen (they were trying to treat a subsection as its own section and that justified their new referendum and etc., etc., it was a load of horseshit).  Of course, their departments got all angry because how dare we tell them how the process should go.  Even though 2 hours were then spent fucking debating about process.

It kind of felt analogous to when an environmental scientist is in a room talking about climate change, and people who have maybe a high school knowledge of the subject at best are sitting there telling her that she is wrong.

I had to leave after the two hours, because I was meeting with best friend for dinner, but apparently (I was getting live updates from former friend-guy) what happened was that the Senate voted that the second referendum was indeed unconstitutional.  Then, instead of accepting defeat, the GSO President decided to campaign for people to change their minds, and, after also wrestling with the idea of going to a separate body (which I found funny because they spent so much time earlier in the meeting talking about how we shouldn't do that and we should solve these conflicts internally because we are autonomous and shit), then do another revote.  Once again, the Senate voted that the second referendum was unconstitutional.  Apparently she was still not happy and did not want to back down, saying that they would stay there all night if they had to (you know, until she got the result she wanted).  However, someone motioned to adjourn the meeting and it was seconded and whatever other protocol that needed to happen to end it happened.  So, basically, we won after starting an uproar.  (Funny, actually, apparently the executive board was very very unhappy when they realized that a bunch of poli sci people came out, because we were the department which was the loudest about this whole thing being corrupt as shit.)

Woo.

I was set to meet best friend in Cortland at 8, so I left a little after 7 to head over.  As I'm driving on I-81, she calls me and tells me that someone was going the wrong way on a one-way street, and that to avoid this idiot, she had to sharply swerve into the curb to avoid them.  However, in doing this, the tire ripped, and so she wasn't going to be able to make it down to Cortland in time.  After debating about whether or not I should travel all the way to Syracuse due to my assignment for tomorrow not being done, I decided I was going to head up there anyway because fuck assignments.  I wanted to see her!  And she also called me again asking if I could go up because she was stressing and freaking out and all.

When I got to her, she had already put the donut on, so I followed her to the rental place she got it from so she could switch it out.  Luckily, they didn't give her a hard time or anything.  We then went to nom dinner, and I got prime rib and she got a bone-in ribeye.  I got to take her leftovers, which was especially awesome because I think I liked the ribeye better than the prime rib.  My god it was excellent.

We sat and talked and nommed, though I was sad that we couldn't have more time together.  Hopefully our next reunion will not be cut so short.


At my session yesterday, I mentioned how the kitten was named Elsa after the snow queen in Frozen.  After I did that, Nancy asked me if I identified with the character Elsa, and I said that I did completely.  She mentioned that when she watched it, she actually did think of me, because she thought that Elsa and I were very similar.  Really, she is probably the Disney character I relate to the most, with her anxiety and depression and fears and her inability to show her true self and her wanting to protect (or in my case, make them happy, I suppose) others even if it means isolating or hurting herself.  My being able to relate to her in those ways contributes to why I really love that movie so much.  (I mean of course, I love the whole 'true love' = sisterly love in that too, as I have three sisters.  That is also fantastic.)

But I just thought it was interesting that I was not alone in thinking that Elsa and I were comparable.


Didn't get to respond to stuff due to hectic day today.


Sleep time now.

My bullshitting skills shall be put to this test today.  Because not only did I not read any of these articles due to writing the FISC paper all day yesterday, but the topic is about economic international institutions which I know absolutely nothing about, basically.  And am honestly really uninterested in anyway.  Economic stuff was always boring as shit to me.

I didn't get to meet up with best friend yesterday, so I'm hoping that I can do so today.  The idea of not seeing her while she is in New York is unfathomable to me.  But since the draft of that paper has been submitted, I don't feel as guilty about taking some time today going up to see her.


There is something I need to reply to today.  Was going to do so yesterday but I was dealing with anxiety about it and also...you know, paper.


Had a strange conversation with former friend-guy last night, which involved I think some flirtation?  And the fact that I kept going with it despite his relationship status is kind of gross of me when I think about it.  But my morality took a back seat because I was enjoying the back-and-forth too much and was too tired to stop it.  Which again, is gross of me.


"I find that I start comparing people to my ex, which is unfair."

"But it's human."

Holy shit this thing is finally done.

Well...the draft that is.

But that is good enough for me right now.

Gonna sleep and stuff because goddamn I need it I've been writing all fucking day.

As much as I don't want to skip agility today, since it is great for Callie and also gives me a chance to have a break and have some fun, I really do think it would be better for me to have that time to continue writing.  I could stay on campus after my session with Nancy, and I could stay in the office until 5 and just try and get more of this paper written.  I'll work on a few things with Callie alone perhaps, and just ask if I can make the class up another time.  I don't think he will mind.  I just think that I would be a bit less stressed if I did that instead of trying to cram that in with everything else I need to do today.

Plus, best friend is in Syracuse from Wisconsin and I want to have dinner with her at the very least.  I did ask if it were possible for her to come all the way down to Binghamton, since it probably is not the best of ideas for me to take an hour plus to drive to Syracuse and then have to drive back.  If she can't, I'll at least ask if maybe we can meet in Ithaca instead, since it is closer to me than Syracuse.  I really want to see her...I just have very limited time and everything.

Holy fuck this paper is bad, too.  I have a bunch of ideas that are cool and the topic is interesting and I can talk about it forever but trying to write it is, for some reason, really difficult for me at the moment.  Which is incredibly inconvenient when I am already behind on things.  Hopefully I can finish this draft, send it to my peer reviewer and professor, and hopefully get feedback and be able to make it better or something.

Bah.  I hate this time of year.  It is full of stress and self-loathing.  More than usual, that is.

Took an hour nap that seems to have actually helped, which is weird but awesome.  Naps usually just make me feel worse and be less productive.  I feel more awake and like I can maybe do something, so that is better than before at the very least.  We will see how that goes, though.  Tonight might actually need to be an all-nighter (or close to).  But I say that and then don't do that because I just really don't like them.

Welp. Let's see.


Also, got something that I am going to need to think about and stuff because right now I don't really know what to do and feeling feels is kind of foreign to me at the moment and yeah.  Herp.

Guess who is going to sit here forever because she can't think of a way to start any of this fucking paper?  That's right, this chick right here.

Good news is that I have yet another faculty member who is really interested in this question and this topic so that is good at least I guess.

Bad news is that lawl it is me and I suck and I can't even figure out how to start this and hdsjkdhskj.


Also I've been sad today for the most part but have been hiding it and shit.

And I woke up at 6:30 for no reason whatsoever so I'm tired as shit.

Sometimes I feel like a horrible feminist because I have internalized the idea of needing to be skinny so much that even while being underweight, I was uncomfortable with the idea of gaining.  My lack of food really is tied more to anxiety/depression and to habit than it is to body image, but I guess when you start, the body image stuff starts becoming more prevalent in your mind, I suppose.

I read things about how important it is for people to love and respect their bodies, no matter what size.  And while I would tell anyone that they should love themselves, I refuse to point that advice toward myself.  Or rather, I want to, but I guess just me telling myself that isn't enough.

I suppose it is part of my perfectionism, deep down.  My perfectionism which sets certain standards and certain necessities to myself that I do not put on others.  That other people can be perfect while being any size, while I can only range from this number to that number on the scale.  And even when I'm in that range, I'm still not happy.  I'm not fit enough, toned enough, muscular enough, etc., etc.  I'm always finding things wrong, even in my appearance.

And all those thoughts make me less want to go to say, the gym, or go running, or eat healthy, etc.  Because I know that it won't change anything.  I'll just find more to dislike about myself.  So I just get tired.

Man, I dunno.  Probably not the best thing to be thinking about in the morning.

Models

Trying to learn different models because my DV in this paper is a panel-count variable.  Doesn't help that I'm an idiot who doesn't know shit.

I'm thinking maybe a poisson model but that has some weird assumptions that I'm not sure I can get around.  Maybe a negative binomial?  Of course all of these would be under xtset in stata.  Yay.  Doing stuff in which I have no fucking idea what I am doing.

God I really wish we had already had the Maximum Likelihood class.

Looks like I'm going to need to go pay a visit to a certain prof.  Hopefully he'll be around tomorrow, and hopefully I'll have some time to talk to him between classes.

Though what is cool is that if I do a model that not many people know, I think the chances of my getting published increases, because journals eat that methodology shit up.


Also fuck cutesy shit on facebook.  Fuck all of that noise.


[Edit] - I THINK I BROKE STATA WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING.  (On iteration 3800 for this model...my data only has 34 variables what is happening I don't know how to do negative binomial regression wahhhh.)

Once I got back from Target my productivity took a huge hit, because I am a fucking loser who can't focus enough to work on things that desperately need to be worked on.  You know, like my three papers and shit.

Nope, instead I sat on the couch and mindlessly tried to read articles even though I knew I wasn't actually absorbing any of them.

So essentially I wasted the fuck out of this weekend.

Go me.

Man I fucking suck how am I even still here.

Look at these cuties. (Also yes I got an instagram because I'm a loser aha.) I can't with them.

Also I was arguing with right-wingers last night and was called immoral, selfish, baby-murderer, etc., etc. It was a good time.

In Target. Trying to do work. Let's see how this goes.

I really want to cuddle with someone. :/

I guess Catbug will do.

Former friend-guy offered to visit but I don't think that's a good idea because of my want to cuddle and him having a girlfriend and it being late and things just might not go down well.  I mean, it could be fun but I know I'd be all sad or something.

Man.

...it'd be cool to hang out with third-year, but he mostly keeps to himself.


...I should have worked today.  Maybe tomorrow I will sit in Target and do stuff.

It would also help if I could get one of the Congress people's attention to help me answer the very important question I have before I can go on in this paper.

Got into some internet arguments about abortion and shit on a right-wing blog because I was bored, aha.  The only reason I would regret it, actually, is just because I'm adding pageviews to his count and I really shouldn't be doing that.  But I get a weird rush that I rarely feel anymore with these things, and kind of making snarky and sarcastic comments is a weird thing that is kind of enjoyable to me.  I guess it gets my mind off my own personal problems or something and focused on something different.

Other than that...got nothing done all day really, aside from shopping.  I couldn't really get motivated to do anything so sitting on the internet arguing with someone who will never see my point of view was better, I guess.

Though we did watch Adam West Batman again, and then watched the Batman Beyond movie, which was kind of wonderful to go through again.

I should watch old shows and stuff more often.  They were great.

Baseball Day 2/2

Alright, now that I have time, I will talk about the rest of yesterday!

So, the baseball game started at around 7, and I drove because I knew that I would be the one not drinking.  Plus, having the van is good because in case people need me to drive them home if they were too drunk and everything.  A lot of the grad students and faculty were there, and we were chatting and eating and people were drinking since we also had two kegs, I think.  It was a fun time.  I actually talked a lot with some from the older cohorts, which was awesome.  One guy in particular I stuck by; he is a third year and is absolutely fantastic.  I was telling him about The Room and Adam West's Batman movie and how awesomely terrible they are and he (and others) seemed very interested in watching them.  So we might choose to soon have a screening of those.  Because they are wonderful.

Anyway, post-baseball game was where action started, really.  We tried to go to this one restaurant/bar, which was hosting a party thrown by our extremely fucking corrupt and awful GSO.

(Sidenote: they really are the fucking worst.  Recently in the elections, a referendum took place asking whether or not the mandatory fees should actually be voluntary.  It was voted that they should be, and now the officers are trying to host a new election for that referendum and are all fucking butthurt over the fact that their very nicely paid positions will be gone.  They're ignoring senators and blatantly going against the GSO constitution and don't really do anything for us at all.  They even said it was a 51%-49% split, meanwhile it was actually only around 30% or so of the population who voted to keep the mandatory fees.  They counted the fucking abstentions as yes votes.  So the poli sci department has allied with the math department and some of the other STEM fields, because we all recognize this bullshit.  The GSO executive board is full pretty much of sociology people and they're all friends and it is crap.  A senator representing the mathematics department claimed that there's a reason math and political science are the two fields spearheading this whole thing against them: because 1) the math department actually understands how numbers work, and 2) the poli sci department understands who government is supposed to work.  I found that hilarious.)

Alright, back to the story.  So we were told that, despite being graduate students and everything, that we could not get in because we did not RSVP.  Only after we pointed out that there were a fuck ton of slots open did they say we could maybe go in.  But we had guests who were not grad students, so we still could not go in.  We migrated to a different bar, but one of the third years stayed behind, because he, being a lawyer, was going to keep going until we were let in.  Eventually we were called back to him, and we were let in.  Many things happened between all this but it was not as fun as what happened when we returned.

So, two of our department members went out to have a smoke, and returned with some news: that they overheard pretty much the entire GSO board laughing about how we all (the graduate students in general) do not have a vote at all.  When certain people heard this, they knew it was on.  Not that much later, a third year went up to the GSO president and started talking to her.  He opened with "so I study terrorism..." and it was just a giant shit show from there and it was glorious to watch.  I was recording everything, because I wanted everything documented if something damaging was said or done.  I missed some stuff because someone started hitting on me and it was awkward but I know that my department people were asking about the referendum and talking about how having a revote is bullshit and nonsense and the President and her cronies just kept yelling and saying that this wasn't the venue for this discussion and blah blah blah, meanwhile the venue for the discussion was at the meeting they held the day before where they refused to let anyone speak other than their supporters.  Dissenters and people who were angry were not allowed to say anything and were interrupted and talked over.

She also pulled the "you're doing this because I'm a woman" card, which was really angering to me as a woman, plus you know...someone who was arguing with her was also a woman.  But she just kept saying that our guy was being sexist, meanwhile he never said anything sexist and was just as angry with the guys so I saw no need for that.  It really upset me, because it is people like her who pull that shit where it just isn't relevant at fucking all who make the rest of us look bad and when we point it out in very relevant situations, we are often met with scorn and ridicule.

Eventually she and her posse stormed away, but they got more cronies, who then wanted to start shit, and kept telling our department-mate that he was calling the President a terrorist and everything and they were yelling at each other and it was fantastic and I recorded everything for reasons.

After, we roamed around a little bit, and then I eventually took 5 people home.  My roommates had separated from us, and I didn't know where they ran off to.  So I took people home since I was one of the few who was sober.  The guy that I had been hanging out with most of the night was the last one I dropped off, which I kind of liked a lot because he and I started sharing some personal stuff and it was nice to have that heart-to-heart with him and all.  He told me things about himself and I shared some things about myself and he was really supportive and awesome and understands some of the issues that Americanists especially have in that department.

It was a nice day filled with nice conversations and heart-to-hearts.

Baseball Day - 1/2

So this post might not be as detailed as I want it to be, because today has been very interesting and eventful, and the fact that it is almost 4 in the morning and I'm still awake can attest to that.

Today was the day of the department baseball game.  However, before that, we still had the workshops, as usual.  In between the IR and the American/Comparative one, a prof whom I am very friendly with saw me waiting in the main office (to get my reimbursement check for Midwest which was so fucking good to get and look at and I got back way more than I originally anticipated and yay money), and asked me about something I wrote on his facebook for one of his pictures.  While he seemed as though he thought it was a joke, he did mention that it wasn't good, and so he asked me if everything was alright.  Rather than lie and say "yeah, everything is fine," I decided to overcome my own anxiety and say that everything really was not fine and I was having some difficulties.  His face immediately because super concerned, and then he offered to talk with me after the workshop if I wanted to.

And I took him up on that offer, and I am very glad I did.

I explained how I am feeling really anxious and everything and the fact that I am the only woman in my cohort is grating on me and that I fear I'm treated differently especially by my only guy professor this semester.  It makes me uncomfortable and sad and I mentioned that I'm afraid nothing I write for him will be good enough and it is really disheartening.  That I also asked him if it would be okay for me to take extensions in the beginning of the year and now seems annoyed by that fact is likewise demoralizing and makes me not want to do any sort of work.  Prof was very very concerned with this, and so told me that - id I wanted - he could ask around and try and find a way to help, because he doesn't like this idea that I am so unhappy that I'm taking a leave of absence.

He was just really supportive and everything, and he also reassured me that people recognize that I do good work and that I am someone they want to see succeed because they think I can and they know I'm not just blowing things off and all.  And that if anyone challenged my continuation throughout this program, I would have many defenders, being one of the top of my cohort.

When I mentioned my depression and anxiety, he did say that - for what it is worth - that I am incredibly good at hiding it.  I said that was because I went through this long history of denial before recognizing, again, that the thoughts I had about if I should do the thing were dark and not very normal (though I left that part out).  I was pretty good at pretending.  I still am.

We went on about how academia refuses to acknowledge many mental health problems that are clearly there, and how it is still very difficult for women in this field and in the entire profession in general.

And then somehow we got on vacations, tv shows/movies, sports, and some other random topics.

Overall it was really really nice to be reminded that people do want me to succeed and actually do care about me.  He is very good to me, and I appreciate having that more than he realizes.


Okay...since this is longer than I thought and I am falling asleep at keyboard, I am going to sleep and continue about the rest of the shenanigans tomorrow.

Today's discussion in class got very personal for some people, but others appreciated it, apparently.

So today was a ranting day, I guess, where our prof basically let us complain and bitch about things we didn't like about classes, the grad program, and the profession in general (in addition to asking questions).  Classes got into things such as the fact that we don't have much of a choice in substance classes, more methods would be nice (even though I personally think our methods training is awesome), and the like.  Once we hit topics concerning the program though, I decided that, to hell with it, I am going to say something about the way mental health issues are treated in not only this program and this field, but across academia in general and why it is hurtful and everything.

Basically, once I started I couldn't stop, and I just kind of word vomited and was shaking and getting I guess obviously upset.  I explained how, while knowing that grad school and pre-tenure professorship is by its nature very stressful, the dismissal and acceptance of mental health problems (as a sort of rite of passage, even) is incredibly discouraging.  That constantly hearing how we need to sacrifice any time we have into work is demoralizing.  That when we finish something, encouragement is rare, but instead we are reminded of how much we have to still do and how little time we have left to do it.  That when I try to explain the extent of how stressed I am, I hear laughter and "well, that's grad school," as though it is funny that I need to undertake this.

And given my existing mental health problems, grad school and this attitude has just augmented everything.

Having depression and anxiety issues should not be necessary for me to get a PhD in a field that I love.

I said this to everyone.  Finally, I just let my cohort know, in my anger about this issue, that those things affect me severely.  While I do think that most of them knew, because I kept hinting at it throughout the semester, this was the first time I said it out loud.  I also mentioned that constantly hearing how I should give up free time contributed to my not eating properly, because cooking and eating takes way too much time and effort.  (Though, being completely honest, breakup is what started the lack of eating trend and the dramatic weight loss overall, and grad school has just prevented it from getting much better.)

It was recognized that this is a problem, across all of academia, and that informal things can and should be done to change the attitudes towards mental health among graduate students.

Then, someone who is sitting in this class from Georgetown spoke up, mentioning also how difficult it is for women to advance in academia, and how there is no chance for the work-life balance.  She mentioned how she is a mother, and when she had to take time off, she was ostracized at Georgetown and basically treated as a leper.  And when one of the guys mentioned that maybe that shouldn't happen in grad school or something along those lines, I chimed in that that is easier for him to say because he is a man.  That he doesn't feel the same pressures as women to have and raise children at a certain time in their lives, and women are more demonized when they are not doing that and instead choosing a career.  Georgetown classmate agreed, and I could tell she was getting very upset about this, and she exasperatedly exclaimed that "for God's sake, you only have one woman in your cohort, and I can't imagine how difficult that must be for her."  And I appreciated that more than I think she realized, because yes, it is difficult for various reasons.

So...yeah.  Many personal things happened in class, which was frightening and stuff but felt good to talk about, I suppose.  People did come up to me and say that was brave of me to discuss it, and I saw more than a few people nodding when I was talking, so that at least felt good.

I know that my discussion will probably not do much to help myself.  Maybe a little.  More so if what I said is taken to heart, and some attitudes change.  But I am aware that my problems are not only due to the pressures of grad school.  I had them before and ignored them for most of my life until I could not anymore.  Until I got to the point after my breakup where the thought of crashing my car was so appealing to me that I always hesitated and had to convince myself not to do it when I had to go driving.  That I would tell myself "not today...maybe tomorrow," as a way to just keep postponing something that I wanted to do, but was too scared to carry out.  That was when I realized that I couldn't ignore my own issues anymore, and that I had been ignoring them even way before I met the ex.  Before college, even.  That my perfectionism led to me having unrealistic expectations about myself, and my desire to please everyone was so intense that I would feel guilty about doing something for me instead of appeasing someone else.  Even younger than high school, I found that I couldn't just tell a friend that I wanted to go home, if that is what I wanted to do at some point.  If they wanted me to stay, I had to call my parents and pretty much ask them to tell me to come home, so I could say "oh my parents want me home now" instead of "I would like to go home now."  I didn't want anyone to be mad with me about something like that.  Eventually, that delved into me just mostly doing whatever someone else wanted to do, either because I developed this mentality of having no preference, or because I knew that I would feel guilty if we chose my preference.  And I still find that I do this.  I did it throughout my relationship.  It is why I agreed to come home earlier from London.  It is why I agreed to not apply to schools abroad.  It is why I never minded if he wanted to play fighting games all day.  It is why when he was angry or sad, I would drop everything to try and help him, because I didn't want him to be either one of those things.  It is why I tolerated his fraternity as much as I could (which became less and less over time).

Now, with the ex, it was more intense than normal, because my desire to please was interacted with the intense love I had for him.  My strong feelings for him amplified my wanting to make others happy even at the expense of myself.

And since, you know, he was not doing anything for me or for our relationship, I would get burned out very quickly.  But in my head, I kept telling myself that I could handle it.  I could carry both of us, by myself.  I could help him.  And I wanted to.  And I wish he let me.

If I could do things again, I would try to take some more time for me, but I wouldn't have stopped trying.  (I know I go back and say that if I could do things again, I'd just stop things before they happened, but I am also aware that even with this knowledge, my past self who loved him so dearly would still not give up.)  I wouldn't have given up on him, but maybe I would have done more things for me, rather than for our relationship and for us.

Bah, I don't know.  I say that, but knowing me, I probably wouldn't.  I just don't like myself enough to allot time for taking care of my own needs.

...Saddest thing is that even know I acknowledge all these problems in our relationship, I still get remarkably sad over it and what happened to us.  It is just so different than what I had envisioned and hoped for.

Ugh why did I get on this.  I'm just in a really sad mood, I guess.  Time to go to bed.