Throughout class today, I could not focus.  I was shaking and thinking about nothing but what I saw that morning and what I would say when I would talk to...I guess former friend-guy, after it was over.  I saw him before I went to class, and all I said to him as I passed by was "do not talk to me."

I had sent him a text earlier saying we had to talk, and I had to wait for my 3 hour seminar to finish before I could do that.  Those three hours felt painfully long.

Then, afterward, I went to his office and grabbed him, and we went to mine since it was empty and everything.  Really, I was so angry.  But even as I started speaking, my voice was wavering.  I started going off on how I "appreciated" that he just told me that he liked me and I said it would have been nice if I had been given some consideration and that he had a conversation with me about things before just coming to this snap decision.  That I was blindsided, and that basically, this whole thing paralleled what my ex did to me.  That, similar to him, I was told how much I mattered and how much people cared about me, and then I'm left blindsided and betrayed wondering what the fuck happened.

I accused him of not feeling guilty about it, because he once told me that he just does not feel guilt.

He sat down, and started explaining.  That he did not plan on this happening, and that she had asked him last night to be exclusive.  And that this morning, he saw the facebook notification, and just approved it.  I asked him if I ever came into his mind...if he ever asked himself what I would think about this.  How would I react to it?  He said that he did think about me, but was too afraid to have a conversation with me.

I listened to him say how he wanted some sort of stability, because that had been lacking in his life for a long time, and so when someone offered it to him, he automatically took it.  Even though he said he still doesn't even like her.  Despite my claims that he lied when he told me he had feelings for me, he said he still does like me.  I couldn't - and still can't on some level - understand trying to be in a relationship with a person that I did not actually have feelings for.  Which is why I have only had one of those.

Still though, I kept saying that I wish he would have had a conversation with me.  That I would have at least appreciated it; I would have felt sad and disappointed as I do now, but now I get the added feeling of betrayal from someone I thought whom really cared about me.

He maintains that I still really matter to him.  I don't exactly believe that; it would not be the first time.  He also claimed that this is the first time he has ever truly felt horrible and guilty for something he did.

I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry" and "I'm not good enough" from people I get close to.  After a while, it feels almost fake, like people are just telling me something I want to hear.

As I do when I start crying uncontrollably, I put my hood up and grabbed its edges to cover as much of my face as possible, not wanting to be seen.  I hunched, wanting to make myself as small as possible while still standing.

When I have conversations like this, I often fall into long silences, because my mind is racing and jumbled and I don't really know what to say even though I have so many things running through my head.  Throughout those silences, he kept trying to come up with things I could do to make myself feel better - to slap him, to punch him, to scream at him, to take his squishables...he even said he could drop out or transfer or something.  I told him that I'm not so cruel; hurting him will not make me feel any better.  I would feel horrible if I did anything like that.

He claimed that I impressed him.  That I was a person who had such dark thoughts and was so sad and unhappy, and yet I still found ways to get up everyday and do what I do.  I still found ways to go to classes and do well in them, and work and all that.  I still had some sort of strength.

I don't believe that, really.  I'm just doing what is expected of me.

He was saying that he was afraid - terrified, even - of this happening.  But his cowardice is what caused this.  He was too afraid to talk to me about our future, or about us in general.  We mentioned some fears, but we never said that we would or would not do anything.

He led me on, and then blindsided me.

I swear, it is two years ago all over again.

I keep thinking that I'm dreaming, because I thought that finally I would be able to start something again.  To open myself up and have someone else open up to me in that intimate way that I've only ever done with one other person before.

It is my naivety again.  My own idiocy, making me hope for things that just are not going to happen.

I should have expected something like this.

To be disappointed and betrayed.