So I was kind of feeling okay most of the day...I think.  It was weird.  I was kind of in a good mood but it almost felt fake, as though I was trying to convince myself that I was in a good mood when in reality I wasn't.  It was surreal, kind of. 

Friend-guy came over, and while it was nice...I felt sad when he left.  And not in a, "oh he left now I am sad because I wanted to keep hanging out" sort of way.  But more in a confused, unsatisfied kind of way.  I mean, no words were said concerning the feels-related text conversation we had over the break, and that is my fault because I did not bring it up myself.  Nothing felt forced...I don't think, but nothing felt like I thought it might have, after that discussion.  And I guess that made me a little sad?  Or just confused.  Or both.  ...As I said in the beginning of this paragraph.  

And a whole wave of thoughts crashed over me; thoughts again about how I wouldn't be missed for a very long time if I were to go away, about past betrayals, and about the future and how...I don't know...bleak it still looks to me.  In both the personal and professional departments of my life.  Professional mostly because...while I do well in school and in classes, I don't know if I have the personal motivation or creativity that is necessary to produce my own work.  

...The personal I should not really have to explain.  

Roommate and I haven't had a conversation, but things seem shallow now, almost.  Not that I want to have a conversation to fix that.  

Ex still shows up in my dreams and nightmares and I'm sure even though I do not think about him nearly as much as I once did...he is constantly there, still.  Which I really kind of hate myself over (again...no surprise there).  I'm sure I do not cross his mind or enter his dreams in the same fashion.  

I'm still in this limbo, in reality.  I deluded myself for a bit thinking that maybe I was getting better?  Heh.  I should have realized.  I was like this (/worse) throughout vacation, really, with the exception of some times when I was with parents and sister and stuff.  I had a brief high, and soon realized that nothing has changed.  I remain the miserable and pathetic person I am, who dwells on the past and who is too afraid to do things to change the loneliness that she feels, and who is too unmotivated to even do work in a field she loves and wants to remain in. 

...

It is too late for all this.  My eyes are heavy.