On Religion

I'm so tired today and it is probably because I could not fall asleep last night due to thinking about key and everything.  Then, I woke up way too early, and couldn't fall back asleep because of the same reason.  And of course, when I woke up, it felt as though I did not sleep at all.  So I'm just really exhausted. 

And that sleepiness has caused my mood to decline, unfortunately.  Well, that, and a specific comment from my mother at dinner.  Unhappy that I do not go to church anymore, she asked, in a very...snarky isn't the right word exactly, but that is as close I can get, tone, "And do you know where she is?" when I started joking about how my grandmother helped us find a bunch of stuff. 

I felt a need to tell her that my aversion to church is political, and she scoffed at me, saying that she was not going to discuss church with me.  I kind of wanted to say that she is the one who opened that door, but I decided to keep my mouth shut, because I really don't want to go into that.  My dad at least understands my dislike for organized religion and most religious people.  The Catholic Church especially is just riddled with so many problems...I wanted to distance myself from it.  

I'm just kind of tired of her looking at me almost...in disgust when we get on the topic of religion.  I honestly do not know what I think or believe in anymore.  Agnostic or Deist would be the best ways to describe me right now.  My mom has thought me Atheist, and while I do not identify as that...I kind of want to look at her and ask her why that would be a problem if I was.  Why?  It doesn't change anything about me?  I've always been more secular and less spiritual/religious.  I don't really understand why this is so different. 

I do not understand why something that is meant to foster love and acceptance (or at least that is how I was raised...), actually incites so much hatred and intolerance and violence.  I don't.  Even my mom is upset that I do not share her views.  And that bothers me.  She should be pleased, I would think...  Not necessarily because I don't want to be in the Catholic church, but more because she and my dad raised four independent individuals.  Four children who think for themselves and were able to think about what they believe in, instead of just accepting things that were told to them.  Intellectualism will always override religion, for me. Which is why, again, I am not nor never have been a very spiritual person. 

So that put a damper on my mood, and then when we finished dinner, I came back to a text from roommate asking whether or not I would have time to talk tonight.  And while I am not doing anything, I really...do not want to.  I know that it is going to be a serious talk and it is going to make me sad and everything, and I just do not have the energy to go through that right now.  But it makes me feel like a terrible person and friend.  It really really does.  

I'm also thinking about admitting something to the one person I actually have been wanting to talk to.  But at the same time, if I admit it, it might destroy what we have now, and I do not want that to happen.  And I don't exactly know what it is I would be admitting...it feels weird.  I can't tell what is going on.