You know what kind of helps feeling absolutely depressed and having this crippling self-doubt in yourself and in others and finding that you pretty much only completely trust your parents and your dog and so never really want to socialize with anyone or go out and do things with people?

Chips Deluxe rainbow cookies and Yoohoo.

And some Archer.

Having to sit in workshops (which were really just meetings to figure out the semester's schedule for presentations, in which I signed up for one for the World and one for the American/Comparative) and listen to former friend-guy talk loudly with his cohortmates and seem happy and like nothing was bothering him...kind of sucked.  And by kind of sucked, I mean it was fucking horrible.

And so, when I could not try and use music to drown him out, I had to listen and I'm realizing more and more than having to TA his class is going to not be fun for some time.

Of course, I'll do it.  I have an obligation, after all.

I did, though, see Nancy even though I did not have an appointment.  I told her about what happened, and how I kept thinking how idiotic I am, and she told me that none of this is my fault; how was I supposed to know he would do something like this to me?   Similar to what happened with my ex...I put trust in someone, and I was betrayed.  But I couldn't have known something like this was going to happen.

Still though, I just felt...like some part of me should have expected something like this to happen.

We did also talk about how I find this weird trait attractive in people, and that I will become more and more aware of it and can start maybe avoiding that, since it is obviously not good for me.  I did tell her I would take some time to just take care of myself, though I know that sometimes that is less possible than I would think.  Like...I didn't eat until I came home and after I walked Callie, so around...5 or so.  And this is the third day where that has happened.

I told her about how I just have no trust in anyone anymore, and how I just want to go home.

She said that my reaction is not surprising at all, given what has happened any time I've tried to get closer to someone.

I was going to do work, but maybe I'll just relax tonight.  I don't know.

Attraction

The other day, I joked to my friend that I "have a thing for sociopaths, for some reason."

Except it wasn't entirely a joke. 

Maybe sociopath is too narrow a description for the people I am...allured to.  Usually, I find myself attracted to people with some sort of deep issue.  Issues that they mask with an egotistical face that I almost immediately can see behind.  People with family issues, emotional instability...I find myself drawn to them, almost unbeknownst to myself at the time. 

Perhaps the reason I find more intimate company with these types of people because they remind me that I'm not alone.  That I'm not the only one with problems, and in fact, that there are people who are even worse than myself.  I know that sounds selfish...it is not really meant to.  Maybe it is more this idea inside me that if I can focus on another person's problems, I will be able to forget my own.  Though when I did that with the ex, that probably worked against me, and just made things worse.  This idea that maybe I can help them...potentially comes from the fact that I find it extremely difficult and sometimes impossible to help myself.

I lament over this idea that everyone I can potentially love will inevitably leave me, yet I seem most attracted to those people who most likely would, given their emotional and mental states.  

In reality, that probably makes me the most unstable and fucked up person of anyone that crosses my path. 

I am and have been in a fog for the entire day today.  Despite wanting to curl up and cry, I can't even muster the energy or willpower to do that.  Of course, I ran into former friend-guy in the hall, and I just passed him quickly, trying to not look at him.  I do wonder if he still feels as bad as I do.  Probably not.  People always seem to feel bad for one day and then are totally fine the next when things like this go down with me.

Unsurprisingly, my emotions caused me to not eat anything until after class, at around 5.  Roommates went with me, and I just had some grilled cheese and fries.  I have had some soda and stuff throughout the day also, but I know that is almost empty calories, not really giving me anything of value.  Maybe I'll have a totally unhealthy snack, but I don't even want that, really.

I was thinking about trying to see Nancy tomorrow, but I know during the year she is really busy, and Friday mornings might be hectic for her.  I'm not sure.  Maybe I can go in and just ask, and if she is busy, I can go into the computer lab and do some work or something like that.  I should do things...I wanted to tonight but my mood and lack of eating has made me incredibly tired, and so I'm finding it difficult to focus.

Even during judicial politics - a class I really am looking forward to - I could not get out of my haze.  And due to my being in a very low state, I did something that I'm not sure if I should have done.  On his syllabus, it mentions how if anyone has any physical, emotional, mental, etc. illness, they should let him know within the first week, in case they need extensions on things because they find it difficult to get things done on time.  So I went and told him about my condition.  Even though maybe I shouldn't have because of reasons.  But I did, because if I need an extension on something (which I have needed in the past), I don't want to have to try and fight for it later on.

I'm just very sad.  And I keep wanting to text him?  But I can't, because all I really want to text him is more questions and more anger and all that.

Why'd he have to do this?  This is the worst thing he could have done.  I was really enjoying hanging out and watching silly shows and cooking together and playing Diablo and things actually felt okay, even if I was still very sad a lot of times.

And now all that is gone.

Hah, this really is two years ago, replayed.  Though a less severe manifestation, for very obvious reasons.

Still though, it really hurts.  And sucks.  And I want to run and hide and go back home to Long Island and be with family.  Or to Wisconsin to be with best friend.  I know roommates are here for me, but...in an almost stereotypical way, I really need a girl friend to be with me right now.

This really has set me back in progress quite a bit.

Throughout class today, I could not focus.  I was shaking and thinking about nothing but what I saw that morning and what I would say when I would talk to...I guess former friend-guy, after it was over.  I saw him before I went to class, and all I said to him as I passed by was "do not talk to me."

I had sent him a text earlier saying we had to talk, and I had to wait for my 3 hour seminar to finish before I could do that.  Those three hours felt painfully long.

Then, afterward, I went to his office and grabbed him, and we went to mine since it was empty and everything.  Really, I was so angry.  But even as I started speaking, my voice was wavering.  I started going off on how I "appreciated" that he just told me that he liked me and I said it would have been nice if I had been given some consideration and that he had a conversation with me about things before just coming to this snap decision.  That I was blindsided, and that basically, this whole thing paralleled what my ex did to me.  That, similar to him, I was told how much I mattered and how much people cared about me, and then I'm left blindsided and betrayed wondering what the fuck happened.

I accused him of not feeling guilty about it, because he once told me that he just does not feel guilt.

He sat down, and started explaining.  That he did not plan on this happening, and that she had asked him last night to be exclusive.  And that this morning, he saw the facebook notification, and just approved it.  I asked him if I ever came into his mind...if he ever asked himself what I would think about this.  How would I react to it?  He said that he did think about me, but was too afraid to have a conversation with me.

I listened to him say how he wanted some sort of stability, because that had been lacking in his life for a long time, and so when someone offered it to him, he automatically took it.  Even though he said he still doesn't even like her.  Despite my claims that he lied when he told me he had feelings for me, he said he still does like me.  I couldn't - and still can't on some level - understand trying to be in a relationship with a person that I did not actually have feelings for.  Which is why I have only had one of those.

Still though, I kept saying that I wish he would have had a conversation with me.  That I would have at least appreciated it; I would have felt sad and disappointed as I do now, but now I get the added feeling of betrayal from someone I thought whom really cared about me.

He maintains that I still really matter to him.  I don't exactly believe that; it would not be the first time.  He also claimed that this is the first time he has ever truly felt horrible and guilty for something he did.

I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry" and "I'm not good enough" from people I get close to.  After a while, it feels almost fake, like people are just telling me something I want to hear.

As I do when I start crying uncontrollably, I put my hood up and grabbed its edges to cover as much of my face as possible, not wanting to be seen.  I hunched, wanting to make myself as small as possible while still standing.

When I have conversations like this, I often fall into long silences, because my mind is racing and jumbled and I don't really know what to say even though I have so many things running through my head.  Throughout those silences, he kept trying to come up with things I could do to make myself feel better - to slap him, to punch him, to scream at him, to take his squishables...he even said he could drop out or transfer or something.  I told him that I'm not so cruel; hurting him will not make me feel any better.  I would feel horrible if I did anything like that.

He claimed that I impressed him.  That I was a person who had such dark thoughts and was so sad and unhappy, and yet I still found ways to get up everyday and do what I do.  I still found ways to go to classes and do well in them, and work and all that.  I still had some sort of strength.

I don't believe that, really.  I'm just doing what is expected of me.

He was saying that he was afraid - terrified, even - of this happening.  But his cowardice is what caused this.  He was too afraid to talk to me about our future, or about us in general.  We mentioned some fears, but we never said that we would or would not do anything.

He led me on, and then blindsided me.

I swear, it is two years ago all over again.

I keep thinking that I'm dreaming, because I thought that finally I would be able to start something again.  To open myself up and have someone else open up to me in that intimate way that I've only ever done with one other person before.

It is my naivety again.  My own idiocy, making me hope for things that just are not going to happen.

I should have expected something like this.

To be disappointed and betrayed.

...I'm a fucking moron.

People are liars.

So much for having feelings for me and not for that other girl who is apparently just like me.

Because he is in a relationship.

Ha.

This is why I do not trust people anymore and why I do not believe people when they say that I matter and that they like me.

Diablo Swing Orchestra

This band popped up in an email as a recommendation and I am actually incredibly happy that I followed through and listened to them some.  Only their two most recent albums are available on free Spotify, but holy shit they are really good, and they have that weird mix of genres going on with different types of instruments and I'm kind of all over it.  Like Stolen Babies, they're described as avant-garde metal, and I'm really kind of digging it.  (Speaking, I'm glad I finally downloaded Spotify instead of just using the web player, which was always skipping on me and everything.  This will make listening to new music way easier and I am excited about that.)

Finding new music I enjoy (also listening to some Dan Potthast, who was always super fun at the Streetlight shows) makes me wonder.  I always liked music, but it was never really a passion of mine...I guess my relatively recent discovery of a certain niche I like and how I'm always listening and how I just want to go to concerts all the time...this is the most passionate I think I've ever been about it, really.  I played Saxophone and sang in choir, and I wonder if I had wanted to pursue more of a music path if I didn't always do strictly classical stuff (which is nice, but isn't something I'd want to do forever).  Then again, I wonder about that, because - being the perfectionist I am - I always had horrible stage fright if ever given a solo part.  I hated improvising in jazz band because I didn't have the same skills as others, and I didn't have the same ear for harmonies as others.  I did always wish I was better in music; I was decent at an academic level, but music is about skill and it is wonderful and I was never in that category.  And being in AP classes and being so academic-minded, I never had time nor desire to practice enough to get closer to that level.  So I dropped it.  Only recently have I started to wish that maybe I at least kept up with it on some level.

Music, I feel like, can speak to people.  Academia really cannot.  Though academia is where I want to stay, and I know it is where I should be, I still wonder about any possible influence I could have in that realm.  And for some reason, I want influence.

If I were gone, I would want something to leave behind?  Because I am still convinced that without some sort of influence, my memory would be cast aside immediately.

It all kind of comes back to my issue with the ex and what he did.  I am - and I know I am reiterating a lot - still convinced that people will leave because he just up an left without warning.  So I isolate myself and find that putting effort into my friendships and relationships is too much effort.  I am no longer willing to expend the love and to take those risks when I am so convinced that people will eventually leave me.  And I am convinced that when they leave, I will be stuck, and they will move on with their lives as if nothing has changed.

Like the ex did.  Maybe I have always mischaracterized something when I said that I was so upset about him moving on so quickly.  I always framed it as I was hurt because he moved on to other sexual and emotional relationships (though when we spoke we always disagreed on that latter on) so soon after me.  And honestly...yeah, that did suck.  But it was more than that.  Much more.  He moved on with his life so quickly.

He was happier so soon after leaving me.

I remained in this rut, a rut I still find myself digging out of.  I was stuck in place.  Frozen, unable to find a way to move forward.  He went on to go to parties and explore being single immediately.  Still in school, friends surrounded him, and he had a passion in fighting games which he was able to immerse himself in.  He went to formal affairs with a girl on his arm every time, and always looked so fucking happy in his pictures.  He was better within the month, and had someone new in his life - albeit not formally - before the semester was even finished.  

He moved on with his life so fast; it didn't even seem like a difficult adjustment for him.  Life without me just seemed so normal to him.

Meanwhile, life without him for me was horrendous.  Truly, I loved him, and could not believe that what I was feeling was completely on one side.  Adjusting to a newly single life just seemed impossible.  I tried to channel my past self, who would scream at me that this is what I should have expected, and why being single and completely independent of others is always the best thing to do to protect myself.  I couldn't imagine being so happy without him, like he was without me.

He mattered to me.  I didn't to him.

That, at least, is what constantly played in my head.  And it still does, despite what he has said.  How can I believe his words now, after knowing all that I do?  The lies and the deceit...I cannot believe anything he says now.  And really, I do not trust the memories of our relationship.  I do not trust the faded echoes of "I love you" and "you're my favourite" and those things.  I look at them with suspicion.  In a way, I wish they were actual beings, so I could question their authenticity directly, if that makes any sort of sense.

I do not trust that I meant much to him.  I do not trust that he ever really loved me the way that he always claimed.

And perhaps that is incredibly cynical of me.  No, not perhaps...it is.  But after all he did and after all he said and through all the lies and consistency...that is what remains.

Thus, going back to my desire to be influential...I still believe that if I were to leave this world, the reaction he had to leaving me would be the reaction everyone would have.  That it would be sad for a bit, but not for very long.  After that initial and brief sadness disappeared, it would be better.  People would be happier.  Much happier.  Like the ex was.

Free of me.

And that is scary to me, despite my thinking it to be true.  Which is why, the ability to have some sort of musical influence on others has suddenly become a secret (well...I guess not so much now that I have shared it with this blog) desire of mine.  But musical talent has forever been outside of my reach, and I have long since accepted that.

Still though.  It would be nice.

I just got the sweetest email from a student of mine from last semester and I'm just kind of fhdkhfdk about it.
Basically she said that she appreciated how much I encouraged her and was receptive to her questions and always made her feel like her opinions really mattered and everything and that she would not have done nearly as well in the class without my help.  And I'm kind of like "ahhhh I mattered to her!"

And honestly, that is a huge deal for me, especially considering how down I was pretty much the entire semester.

Stats

Surprisingly, I am currently excited about TAing the Research Methods and Statistics class, and I think it actually really helps that I have professors that think that I can do it and do it well and they are confident in me even though I am not so much myself.  That does feel good, actually.  To have that sort of support and everything.

And while I have that support, I also am allowed to do things my own way, which I think will be good to get me to actually learn some new things and teach things myself and everything.  It was suggested that maybe I might want to do a review of matrix algebra for the first workshop if I wanted to do it next week, and that might actually be something nice to start with, it being predominantly math rather than coding or anything like that.

So I'm looking through my linear textbook and all right now.

Probably, this excitement will go away once I start to get into things, especially since I know that this class will be a ton of work, much more than I put into any other class I've had to TA for, anyway.  But I don't want to let these guys down.  So I will try to keep pushing through, even on days where all I will want is to just stay in my bed and never ever come out.

Not surprisingly, though, I am really tired because I couldn't fall asleep last night.  Bawww.


...I wanna play more Diablo.

Co-Op

So today (after a long walk with Callie which involved me exploring more of my neighbourhood and thus getting lost) when I was shopping at Target, I saw a package with two 'petite' sirloin steaks.  I got incredibly excited, because I was always saying that a big reason I wouldn't buy steak is because it would be too big for me to cook and eat and that I would need to have people around to share it with and all.

I texted friend-guy asking if he knew how to cook steak, since truthfully, I don't really know how or anything.  I'm not very good about cooking, as everyone knows, so I tend to be derpy when trying to make things that - although I like - I have not personally made before.  So we said that he would come get me and bring me over to his place so he could show me and we could nom dinner together and play some D3.

While he was cooking, he was also dealing with some bullshit from his flatmates, and so he was kind of frustrated.  Not with me, but I started to misinterpret his replies to my attempts at humour as...not understanding my humour.  I tend to make weird jokes or pretend I'm mad (in a goofy way, so I'm obviously joking) and stuff, and I'm used to getting that in return.  He sometimes responds almost as if he doesn't get that I'm pretending (even though he knows I am), and it sometimes seemed almost...curt?  Maybe abrupt or blunt is a better way to put it.  Of course, I started thinking and worrying: 'was he lying about saying that he had feelings for me?  Or would it even work?  He doesn't seem to have the same sense of humour I do or recognize my sense of humour, like ex did.'  And once "like ex did" started, I kind of felt defeated.  I didn't want to fall into that trap.  Of thinking about the ex and how these two were different, and fearing, once again, that the ex was it for me.

I tried to lighten the mood as we ate, though the confrontation with his flatemates took him out into the hall for some time, and I actually tried to block their conversation out after I was listening for a bit.  He texted me during it though, just saying 'sorry,' which felt nice, yet I also felt bad for him.  No wonder he wasn't in a great mood: I understand completely what it is like to have shitty roommates and how terribly frustrating that could be especially when this is an issue which has been repeatedly brought up.

Then, though, we sat around and watched some small things while waiting for D3 to finish updating for me.  And that seemed to put him in a slightly better mood.  We started playing around with his squishables and little minions and were going back and forth with those and it was fun and childish and stuff.  Then, when D3 started, he was patient with me even though I hadn't played it in two years.

I couldn't help but again compare him, this time in a better way: the last time I was invited to play an RPG co-op was D2 with the ex.  I had gotten all excited, because I was excited to play something with him, which we hadn't done in a while, and it wasn't too long after our breakup.  Him telling m that he couldn't wait to play with me got me hopeful and happy and I was looking forward to it since he had first suggested the idea.  We had bonded over playing a video game co-op (DK Country Returns on Wii, woo) when we were first starting out, and I hadn't really played a game with him in a long while (Ms. Splosion Man was fun), and we always seemed to have a good time and feel close when we were playing together.  I always felt like an outsider when he played fighting games, so an RPG brought the opportunity for me to play with him.  So I was, I suppose, hoping that a game could rekindle our relationship.  And he wanted to play with me too.  So much so that he reminded me of that.

But then, when I brought it up after he finished single-player, he nonchalantly said that he was done with that game, and that kind of hit me hard.  He was not, despite what he said, excited to play with me.  He didn't want to.  I got my hopes up, and he - once again - tore them down and to pieces.  Then, when I let him know that I was upset and angry that he made me think we would play together, he pretty much blamed me for feeling that way, because how was he supposed to know that I would "develop feelings for playing a game with him."  Reading that hurt so much.  Because it did mean something to me.  It did not mean anything to him.  Even though he made me think otherwise.  He lied.  Again.

However, friend-guy told me how much he was excited to play with me, and that remained true even after he finished his solo runthrough.  He made sure I had my laptop with me, and waited for my game to update and was patient even though my lag was pretty bad because my graphics card, while not terrible, isn't very good for that game (my laptop is better for work and stuff).

And we had fun.  I didn't want to stop playing.  And neither did he, even though we both did because we have to get up early for class tomorrow.

That felt nice.  That I was wanted, even if it was just to play co-op mode in Diablo.

The only productive thing I did all day was go to the doggie park with the pups and roommate and take pups out for long walks.  Other than that, I sat around, watched Once Upon a Time, played Fire Emblem, got excite about film adaptation of The Giver (though less excite when I saw certain casting choices and also some changes being made), and...that's about it.

And I restarted reading a book that Nancy gave to me a while ago, which I think is a good idea for me, since it is all bout self-compassion and I have been severely lacking in that as of late (well...I guess I always am, but...I don't know).  I suppose that is productive.

Maybe tomorrow I will hole myself in my room in an attempt to get things done for Monday.  Since I really do need to do that and everything.  Gotta figure out when my office hours will be, should set up an appointment with doctor to talk to him about medication and stuff (which is still working in that I usually don't feel deep despair, but I seem to still be in the emotionless rut most of the time...I don't know what exactly to do about that).

I have started trying to eat better, though when I'm hanging out with roommate who only eats desserts and junk food, it is hard to stay that way.  I've been eating toast in the morning, and I've been making grilled chicken salads (usually just the grilled chicken, spinach, and spring mix all together with some dressing)  for either lunch of dinner, and trying to have something else decent for the other meal.  Though today I dropped the ball, because roommate kept tempting me with cookies that were delicious and I kept nomming.  Which I then felt guilty about.  I feel like I have gained some weight, even if I still fit into my 0 pants, and some part of me really is resistant to that.  Which is weird and scary.  I was getting too thin, I was told this many times.  But...I don't want to gain anything.

Then again, trying to eat healthier rather than trying to eat less is a good sign.

My relationship with food is really weird.


...

I saw something about a shooting in a mall in MD.  And I googled it just to see where it was, hoping it was far away from College Park.

Heh.

Is that a good thing for me to check, despite my anger and all?

While I understand that the cognition of canines is far inferior to that of us humans and therefore, they do not really understand the things we do or say sometimes...I really still hope that on some level, Callie understands how much I love and cherish her.  That it is much more than me being her 'alpha' or similar things that I am supposed to have her see me has.  I want her to understand that I would do anything for her, and I often tell her, "I hope you know how much I love you." 

In my session on Tuesday with Nancy, I told her that I never understood the strong bonds that people develop with their pets.  My lack of understanding was really always due to the fact that I never had a companion like that before.  But I understand now.  I would do more for Callie than I would for most humans in my life.  She means more to me.  She is my family and my best friend, really. 

I got all sentimental, probably because I am still feeling kind of down and sad, despite going to dinner with roommates and watching Once Upon a Time all day with them and stuff. 

But Callie is just...really important to me. 

When I think about doing bad things, she is usually the one I think about...because the notion of me leaving her is enough to stay my hand. 

I don't know what is up with today, but no matter what I do I am bored and have that sad emptiness going on and I don't know how to fix it.  Maybe if I did something other than sit around and play Fire Emblem and watch Once Upon a Time, but I figured I was hanging with roommates so maybe it would have all been okay or something.  But...it still kind of wasn't?  And I have nothing really to be sad about today but I guess that comes with the condition and everything.  Even during days where there is no reason to be sad, it just kind of happens and nothing could fix it.  I took Callie out for long walks and even that just was me kind of walking aimlessly and without thinking about much other than bad things and all that great stuff.

Even my desire to text friend-guy has been nonexistent today, which is kind of weird.  And I don't think it would help at all.  There is something wrong with me and I can't put my finger exactly on it, but I guess that has been the problem with me for some time now.  Well...one of the problems.  And I guess I can put my finger on some issues, but not all.  Not by a long shot.  And those are only speculations anyway.

Bah, I'm not making any sense.  My head is all jumbled.

Going out to dinner with roommates, so maybe that will help.  Kind of doubt it though.  It will probably be just me going through motions and acting like I feel better than I do.  Which is nothing new.  I do it all the time.  Sadly.

So I was kind of feeling okay most of the day...I think.  It was weird.  I was kind of in a good mood but it almost felt fake, as though I was trying to convince myself that I was in a good mood when in reality I wasn't.  It was surreal, kind of. 

Friend-guy came over, and while it was nice...I felt sad when he left.  And not in a, "oh he left now I am sad because I wanted to keep hanging out" sort of way.  But more in a confused, unsatisfied kind of way.  I mean, no words were said concerning the feels-related text conversation we had over the break, and that is my fault because I did not bring it up myself.  Nothing felt forced...I don't think, but nothing felt like I thought it might have, after that discussion.  And I guess that made me a little sad?  Or just confused.  Or both.  ...As I said in the beginning of this paragraph.  

And a whole wave of thoughts crashed over me; thoughts again about how I wouldn't be missed for a very long time if I were to go away, about past betrayals, and about the future and how...I don't know...bleak it still looks to me.  In both the personal and professional departments of my life.  Professional mostly because...while I do well in school and in classes, I don't know if I have the personal motivation or creativity that is necessary to produce my own work.  

...The personal I should not really have to explain.  

Roommate and I haven't had a conversation, but things seem shallow now, almost.  Not that I want to have a conversation to fix that.  

Ex still shows up in my dreams and nightmares and I'm sure even though I do not think about him nearly as much as I once did...he is constantly there, still.  Which I really kind of hate myself over (again...no surprise there).  I'm sure I do not cross his mind or enter his dreams in the same fashion.  

I'm still in this limbo, in reality.  I deluded myself for a bit thinking that maybe I was getting better?  Heh.  I should have realized.  I was like this (/worse) throughout vacation, really, with the exception of some times when I was with parents and sister and stuff.  I had a brief high, and soon realized that nothing has changed.  I remain the miserable and pathetic person I am, who dwells on the past and who is too afraid to do things to change the loneliness that she feels, and who is too unmotivated to even do work in a field she loves and wants to remain in. 

...

It is too late for all this.  My eyes are heavy.

Showed Repo! The Genetic Opera to two of three roommates and one told me he really liked it, but the other did not say anything about it.  So I'm not sure if he did or not.  At the very least, things seemed...slightly less awkward.  I think?  Maybe?  Still haven't talked about things, but...that is best for me right now, since I do not want to really want to and all.

Eh.

Cornelius didn't start again today.  Gonna need to jump him again or something.  Might need a new battery, but I don't even know if I want to invest that in him.  I really just need a new car, sadly.

...I was going to write more, but I am very sleepy.

So yes, I do not think things will be normal with the roommate unless I actually have a conversation with him.  Which, once again, I really do not feel like having all that much.  I tried to be lighthearted before and he just kind of...didn't respond as he would have normally.  And it is just awkward and tense, as I've repeatedly said.  While I want to sort this out before it gets worse, I don't want to talk about it.  I don't.

Though now I'm finding I'm getting annoyed already at little things.  Example - I decided to take Callie with me to the office since I figured Nancy would wanna see her and everything.  As I was trying to leave, Murray was trying to get out and kept running through the door and I had to catch him more than a few times.  Instead of calling his pup or coming up and helping me or anything, roommate just sat on the couch.  What if he slipped by me and ran out?  Somehow that would have been completely my fault, I just know it.

Another example - after coming in from outside twice, with salt and snow on the ground, roommate did not remove shoes and I just mopped the floors...what, the day before yesterday?  So now they are back to not looking like they were just cleaned at all and it is kind of really gross to me.  It is such a little thing to get annoyed about, but I guess I'm being hypersensitive right now or something.  

Plus the whole "let us leave all the fucking lights and television and Wii and everything on even though I am not even in the goddamn house," which is something I have repeatedly complained about and have repeatedly asked everyone to make note of, because it just wastes electricity and money and it isn't that fucking crazy of a request.

I should just live by myself.  I think this way more than I probably should.


Good news at least is that friend-guy is coming back today.  I might not be able to see him until tomorrow since he is driving for a long time and everything and will probably be really tired and all.

Today I did a whole lot of nothing, which was actually quite nice, since I think starting tomorrow I'm going to have to go to meetings and do work and all that stuff.

As predicted, when roommate came home, I felt this tension and awkwardness.  I probably could have tried harder to make it go away, but I was feeling lonerish today and having the conversation that might need to happen is just...not something I want to do right now.  It is bad...when I'm actually feeling good I don't want to have that conversation because it will make me sad, but when I'm feeling sad, I still don't want to have it because it will make me feel worse.

Eh.  Maybe I'm thinking too much about this stuff.

Hopefully I'll be able to speak with Nancy tomorrow or Wednesday or something.  I emailed her but she hasn't gotten back to me, which isn't surprising considering it is MLK day and stuff.

...I just discovered that Pit Bulls and Parolees and Too Cute are both on Netflix.  So I am definitely going to get distracted and invested in those.

Bing

So I'm back in Binghamton and right now I'm actually feeling kind of okay.

It might be because my parents helped me out a lot with putting in the new oven and then went out with me to get foodstuffs and everything?  Or because tonight I made stuffing and rotisserie chicken and white rice for myself and two of my roommates, and we sat down and enjoyed it and everything.  Originally I made yellow rice (aka chicken and broccoli) but I messed up somehow and I think I burned it and all.  Oops.  I'll just have to try again another time.  Maybe the container I used messed with it too?  I'm not sure.  The stuffing came out awesome though.

And I think friend/guy (I guess that is the proper way to describe him now?) helps a lot too.  He seems really excited to see me and we are planning on cuddles and tv watchings and squishable playtimes and stuff (because we are both secretly five instead of 23 and 24).  So that helps.

But before I came back, I was thinking about something in particular - that serious thing that I kind of wanted to write about but didn't want to at that specific time.  I guess I'll talk about it now.

People tell me that I am special to them.  Friends, family, friend/guy...even the ex told me.  That I am special and that they wish I was not sad and that they would be sad if I were to leave.  However, I still sometimes don't believe that.  Or...sometimes I do.  I believe that perhaps I am special now, in this specific moment.  But in the future, I probably will not be.

The ex's actions after he broke up with me spelled something out: that I am not a person who deserves any kind of mourning.

That yeah, maybe I am special now, but I am not someone who is special enough for people to really miss for very long.  He left and almost immediately got back on the horse, and told me how much happier he was post-breakup, as soon as...less than two months.  Hearing that was crushing.  Actually...crushing does not even begin to describe it.  It took him so little time to move on from me.  To be happier without me.  He found others.  People who were better...and so I really was never all that special.  I was in the moment.  In the past.  But not enough to warrant a true mourning.

And so, my mind started to think that (well, in addition to truly not being special to anyone or being worth their love and attention) I was not a person who people would miss for a lengthened period of time.  My parents have three other daughters who are happier than me, for one.  Plus, my oldest wants a family and is always ready to talk and listen, my older is confident and does not let anyone give her shit, and my younger is super fucking talented.  Sure, I have my own strengths, but they are really in the academic field, and even then, I don't think they are very...notable.  My older sisters have husbands who love them, and my younger has great friends.  My friends have better friends who actually want to hang out and do fun things and all.

But...I don't know.  Maybe my parents, at least, would really miss me.

And Callie, who...I do like to think I am truly special to.

Man, I don't know.  The other day I was more thinking along the above pattern, that although my going away would hurt at first, it would not take long for everyone to be okay again.  Or even happier, without having to worry about me or what I am doing and stuff.  Ex was.  Why wouldn't other people be too?

But today I'm giving myself a bit more benefit?  Maybe I'm just in a good mood because of parents and roommates enjoying my food and all that stuff.  I'm sure it will go away eventually, but...for now...I don't know.

Last roommate apparently comes home tomorrow, and I am kind of...nervous about it.  We haven't really talked as much since the whole "you don't seem to care" incident, and I don't know if it is just going to boil over or if it is going to be awkward until we talk about it.

...Maybe I'll elaborate more on these points tomorrow.  Sleep now.

Scar

Much scar.  Such red.  Wow. 

Yes, put that in doge language because my sister and I are actually 13 year old reddit boys who find doing that hilarious for some reason.  I have no actual idea why.  

Basically, Callie and I were playing and she smacked me in the face, but her nails desperately need to be clipped and so this was the result.  

Though I like to think I sustained it in an epic anime-style fight where I fought off a deadly being who wanted nothing more than to destroy the earth.  And I, with my magical girl samurai ninja (insert more cool warrior-types here) powers, was able to save the day with naught but this mark on my face.

...

I'm a dork.  I know.  

...Also I kind of wanted to put serious stuff but I kind of don't want to put it in this entry right now because this is so lighthearted and those types of entries are hard to come by for me.  So the serious and sad things I want to talk about will wait for another entry either later tonight or tomorrow sometime.  

Of course the day where it is actually nice out and I could take Callie to the park...I do not have a car.  Sadface.  Though maybe my sister will be home from work earlier rather than later and we could go.  I could take the pup out for a nice long walk later, which would also be good for me and everything...

I'm still emotionally bleh, but nothing really new there.

Tomorrow I'm heading back to Binghamton and, like I said, I'm not that excited?  I'm worried about things between me and roommate; ever since his comment about me not caring I've been on edge with him even though maybe I shouldn't be, and it has been awkward and everything and I just don't really know how to handle it or what to do or anything like that.  And then I'm nervous about seeing friend, even though I really do want to see him.  I just don't know what is going on between us and I don't want to do anything stupid with him, especially if it is going to compromise work and everything.

Bah.

Plus there is the whole idea of whether or not I am capable of having anything akin to a relationship right now.  My emotional state isn't exactly one I would like to pin on someone else.

I know I probably sound like a broken record in these entries, but.  Oh well.

Haircut

So I finally got my hair cut so I don't look like a savage. Seriously, it was horrid. Part of me has been thinking about putting some red in it again, which I haven't done since high school, but part of me thinks it would be cool. I don't know. Maybe. We will see.

I actually have been doing things today, which has been good, despite that I'm still very much tired and meh emotionally. But I did some stuff around the house and had some leftovers for lunch and went to dentist also. I wanted to send packages but the line at the post office was so long and I had appointments to get to. So I will try to do that tomorrow.

Bing on Saturday.

So I was really not feeling well both physically and emotionally all day...which ended up causing me to stay in my bed in my room watching Archer/sleeping/playing FE until around five, when I got hungry enough to go down and eat some grilled cheese sandwiches.  And then I ate some cookies because I am a sucker for those, despite telling friend I would try to eat some veggies and protein.  I just didn't have the energy to get something that would fulfill either of those requirements.  Even though I know eating crap and not a lot probably aids with my feeling sad rather than helping it at all.

I did say I would also try to at least stretch or something.  Like...mini yoga.  Or something.  I don't know.

Tomorrow I need to do to the dentist to pick up the nightguard they made for me, which they said might help with my jaw (TMJ woo).  And then haircut and I need to refill my meds and send a package to Wisconsin.

Saturday I'm heading back to Binghamton and while I know I don't want to go back, I also don't want to stay here anymore?  Again, it is that whole staying in on place for too long.  I kind of just want to take Callie and run off somewhere.

The fact that I remain in existence kind of is a mystery to me.  I don't know.  Definitely how I have friends and people who claim to care about me is mind-boggling.  Mostly because this is how I am.  I just kind of go through motions every day.  Or almost every day.  And I know I ought to be taking steps to change that but it is just...really difficult to start.  It really really is.  I've been saying for months now: I'll go to the gym, I'll work on my own papers for publication, I'll start running again, I'll get Callie into agility, I'll eat healthier/start actually cooking, I'll reconnect with friends, I'll hang out with friends, I'll be more social, I'll manage my time better, I'll get into kickboxing, etc., etc.  It is kind of pathetic, really.  It isn't the procrastination that I would do on some assignment or something simply because I didn't feel like doing it at that moment.  I honestly tell myself I will do it, but then the next day shows up and I found that I wasted my day watching shows I've already seen a hundred times, playing games that I could leave for another time, and just wasting away in my bed or on the couch.

I yell at myself for not doing things, and then I get discouraged from doing them, which in turn makes me angrier at myself.  Heh.  A vicious cycle.  

I finished the storyline in Awakening and started a new save file on hard difficultly, especially since I just realized that using a second seal on someone who is at level 20 in their advanced class can just put them back to level 1 of that class with no stat decreases.  In other words, I could have been continually building up people rather than having them just stay at level 20.  So now I know for this playthrough.  I'm still playing as a female rather than male avatar, and I'm okay with this, because there are other dudes I want to romance and stuff, despite my loving the royal family that my previous avatar and Chrom had.


Once again, I am having a day where moving around takes way more effort than it should, so I am reduced to a lump on the couch, trying to not fall asleep while I stare listlessly at the television.  It is just a cycle, I guess.  I know I ought to get up and do things but I didn't have the willpower or energy to do so today.  Maybe it is also because it is raining out.  I don't know.

Thoughts of doing that bad thing have been prominent today, which is kind of terrible because it just makes me go from bad to worse and I'm not really sure what it is.  Maybe all that talk about not being able to start something with friend got to me.  Or this is just how I am most of the time.  It just seems particularly bad today.  Maybe I just need a change of scenery.  I feel like a lot of times, I get worse when I'm in one place for some time.

Man, this all sounds melodramatic and self-pitying and shit, I know.  It's annoying.  Which is why I don't really talk to many actual people about it.

I don't really know what it was about today, but I was correct in saying before that getting out of bed and showering was a huge accomplishment in my mind, because I legitimately did not want to do pretty much anything and just felt drained and sad all day.  I did forget to take my meds for the past two days...could that have something to do with it maybe?  I'm honestly not sure how the chemistry behind all that works...I know I probably should learn about it, since I'm taking the pills and all, but I really don't care enough to or anything.

So, since I said I would talk about this...friend and I had a big long conversation last night about how we both have feels for each other but are hesitant to do anything - despite both kind of wanting to - for various reasons.  On my end, I'm still scared of being that close and intimate with someone on an emotional level, due to the fear of them leaving and me breaking apart all over again.  Plus I feel bad trying to do anything when I can't even muster up real genuine emotions most of the time I am awake.  I mean...he knows all this, and for some reason still claims to like me.  I honestly have no fucking idea why.  I'm a mess and a fuck-up and all.

On his end...well he has had numerous bad relationships in the past where people have done bad things to him and so he is afraid of that having an effect on how he would be with me, it seems.  And he seems to already think it would end at some point (yeah, before it even starts), due to him doing something stupid, I guess.

Plus, there's the whole 'me being his TA next semester' thing which has us kind of wondering if anything is even possible.

Some days I feel like I want something, and other times - like today - I really just don't want to do anything or be near anyone other than family (and even that is kind of ehhh).  Plus there was something he said that I side-eyed at, even though I know it was innocent and all.  So I won't write about it, since I'm probably thinking about it too much.

Despite my sad today, I did take Callie out for an hour-long walk because it was really nice and I took my headphones and stuff.  I haven't been listening to music as much on this vacation because I've been so glued to my DS, so it was really nice.  I love that I said I would try new bands over this vacation and I didn't even fucking do that.

At least Archer tonight was sweet.

Had a feels-related conversation with friend last night.  It appears as though feels are mutual but fears are kind of hindering anything from happening, on both ends.

...I need to do things, but I'll probs write something later.  I don't know why I didn't just wait until then.

Also today is one of those days where getting out of bed and showering feels like a huge accomplishment.

Wat

Today I took Callie to the park for three hours to let her run around and everything, and she had such a good time, and I talked to some really nice people and everything.

Friend is going through something and I feel like I can't help him as much as he helps me and therefore I am inadequate as a friend (not that that is a new revelation to me or anything).

...Bah.  Feeling kind of sad/lethargic right now but again that isn't anything new.

Why am I even writing I can't think of anything to say.

...I ate a lot of chips and dip this afternoon.  That was pretty sweet.

And I know I just brushed my teeth but.  I might nom cookies.  Because fuck you I want to.  Maybe.

Also I'm trying to get Ike's descendant in Fire Emblem an the level is hard as fuck if I want no one to die.  Also I kind of got super excite because Ike.

So, although I initially had to muster up the energy and everything to actually get out of the house and be social with a friend, I am glad I did it.  He and I went to lunch at the diner, where we stayed for two hours and just chatted about video games and stuff.  Then we went to his place and watched season 2 of Adventure Time until around 8, and then we went to Friendly's for more noms.  I was tired after that, so I went home to Callie, who was, of course, excited to see me.

It was actually really nice.

At Friendly's though, part of me wonders if I got too personal...we started talking about fighting games, and I remarked how I knew a decent amount about the Marvel fighting game scene just based on how many matches I watched in the past.  As in, for someone who has never played that game (aside from one time where I tried it...I just sucked), I know probably way more than I should.  What kinds of combos people use, what characters are usually played in competitions and tournaments, etc., etc.

Really, I just kind of wanted to play it because Phoenix is in it.  But at the same time, since I've watched too many competitive players play that, I'm not satisfied with sucking and all.  Even if it is just for fun.

Plus it gives me some angry feels.  Well...as angry as I could get nowadays.  Not that I have tried to really play it or any other fighting game in a very long time, honestly.  And I'm okay with that.  They were never my forte or what I was really interested in.

I don't have the attention span (or time) to continually play enough of a game like that to get anywhere near tournament-level good, anyway.

But regardless of that topic, I had a nice time with him.

I think I'm playing video games too much, because I had this mashup of dreams concerning Fire Emblem and Phoenix Wright and it was actually kind of awesome.

Seriously.  I dreamt up an entire new case for Phoenix and it was kind of awesome.  And sad, because the victim was Edgeworth.  Sob sob sob.

And then I don't really remember the fine details of the Fire Emblem one, but I remember I was working at a skechers-like store and some kid was following me around as I was getting stuff for my party members.

It was weird.  And awesome.


A friend from the Island wants to hang out today and I said that I would despite my not really wanting to.  And it isn't because I don't want to see or hang out with him specifically...it is still that I don't really want to do anything social with anyone.  But I guess I should actually do something.  I told him I would, but I don't know when or what we are actually going to do or anything.

Different friend is concerned about my eating habits, and is reminding me to eat at least two meals a day.  The sad thing is that I neither want to nor feel the energy to do so.  Also my stomach is feeling a little weird.

Slept until noon.  Okay with this.

Many ex-related dreams happened last night, but right now I can't remember the details of them.  I know when I woke up at 6:30 I remembered and thought about popping on here to write something, but I changed my mind and went back to sleep until 11:40.  My sleep schedule is all out of whack.

So of course, in a somewhat meh mood today, though last night, friend was extremely sweet and helpful when I told him I was thinking bad things.  I feel guilty, because I worry him a lot...though I know he would say that helping is what friends do and that he is not going anywhere and that we will be friends for many many years.

I did request that if I become a burden or he wants to leave...he could just tell me, and not lie about it.  That was my request.  He said that I wouldn't, which I appreciated, but I also am skeptical about.  Not because of him, but because of past experiences.

A somewhat inappropriate conversation happened last night between friend and I, and I probably should have stopped it but I was...enjoying it.  I should have realized he was drinking, of course.  I didn't know it at the time until the very last text.  Though things are back to the status quo as of this morning, and for some reason I am a little bummed about that.  Despite this tension between us, it seems like we are destined to just be where we are now?  I don't know.  I can't really tell.  He is...difficult to read.

We keep talking about lazing around together and just watching marathons and eating a bunch of snacks and playing around in the snow and going under blankets to escape the cold and doing this study where he lifts me or something.  I just...keep wavering.  Am I getting too close?  This friend is the one who told me he could not have anything back in the summer, and I was bummed about that for a bit, but not for very long, because the ex was still at the forefront of my mind.

But some of this talk seems nothing more than friendly, and other times it seems like there might be something more.  And...I don't know.  Feels have kind of started?  At least, as much as feels can, at this rate.  I'm still very much emotionless and do not feel a lot of...extremes.  At least not anymore.  Hell even if I looked at stuff from the ex or anything doesn't even rouse much in me anymore (which would be good if other things did bring me a lot of joy or excitement or anger or anything like that).

Which is why, again, I've been completely okay with hermithood over this vacation.

When I skyped with roommate yesterday, we did not talk about serious things, because I said I did not want to, but I think he was concerned about my nonchalance over not seeing anyone outside of my family for almost the entire vacation.  And it isn't as though I'm actively hanging out with them either.  I'm usually playing on my DS or something.

I did enjoy a nice hour-long walk and then some running around in the backyard with Callie.  The walks don't seem as long when I have my headphones on.

Speaking of headphones/music...I really need to get on listening to more bands.  I've just been away from my computer most of the time, actually.

Weird-ass dream just happened.  It unfortunately involved the ex and his family, but ...well.  Let me just go through it.

For some reason, I was at what I assume was his house, hanging out with him.  I guess his mom decided she wanted to breed pups, because there were so many small puppies around, and I was helping to clean up after them and play with them and everything.  We must have had a teleporter or something because the next morning we were supposed to meet with the Queen.  As in, the Queen of the U.K.  Don't ask me why or how.  Dreams are fucking weird.

Anyway, I decided that I might need help from a friend, so I went to the Queen of Scots, who was - again for some reason - my friend/roommate from college.  I told her I could use her help, but once I mentioned I was going with the ex, she was not happy.  She told me that she would have been on board with going, but that I was hurting myself in hanging out with him, and she was not going to help me do that.  I tried to change her mind, but she kept refusing, and eventually said I had to leave.  I sighed and returned to ex's place.

Again, I started helping out with some stuff, especially since when I got back, no one was around.

Eventually I went to sleep, and then when I woke up, ex and his family were setting up for breakfast.  When I went out to the table, his mom started talking to me about bagels, and despite my not liking them, I took one just to be polite.  We all sat down and started talking about some other things, though ex remained mostly silent.  Then, his mom started saying how much she liked me and that ex should never let me go again because I was so good for him and to him and everything.

I don't remember much after that.

It was a bizarre dream.  Especially since I'm pretty sure his mom either had no opinion of me, or didn't really like me that much.  I might be wrong, but I'm not all that exciting.  She was always polite to me to my face, but I never knew if she really did think I was good for/to him.  Apparently her in my dream thought that...maybe that is just my subconscious wishing that she actually did think that?  I don't know why I would want her approval in such a way.

I have no fucking idea where the Queen came into it...maybe just this desire to go back to London?  

Why was Karen Queen of Scots though?

Weird ass brain.

Callie keeps farting and it smells horrendous holy fucking shit.  I'm like...gagging.  And she is sleeping this is unfair.

Also I realize I failed to recruit someone in Fire Emblem and this makes me very very sad actually.  To the point where I was thinking about restarting but that would be insane since I already have almost 40 hours on it (because I have no life and am a hermit and it is vacation don't judge me).  ...During a second playthrough I'll remember to get him.


Texted back roommate with the truth rather than the "sorry I didn't get this until now" lie.  Just said I'm sorry and that I avoided responding because I was down and tired and I really did not want to have any serious talks, and that those kinds of talks I would rather do in person, despite how difficult it is for me sometimes.  It just...yeah.  It is just hard when I really want to be alone and that is it.  I can't really describe it to other people, especially when those other people want to be around friends.  And I just can't give that to them right now.

...So I turned to my other friend for whom I think feels have...started again.  I can't entirely tell, but I do know that he is the person that I want to talk to most of the time.  And he is the person I would travel right now to see and everything.

And he cheers me up a lot.  A lot a lot.  And has been there for me and has been so understanding.

Which is why although I isolate myself from everyone else...I haven't really from him as much.  I mean, a little...but not nearly as much.  Not that he would allow me to isolate from him anyway (in a good way, not a stalkerish kind of way).

On Religion

I'm so tired today and it is probably because I could not fall asleep last night due to thinking about key and everything.  Then, I woke up way too early, and couldn't fall back asleep because of the same reason.  And of course, when I woke up, it felt as though I did not sleep at all.  So I'm just really exhausted. 

And that sleepiness has caused my mood to decline, unfortunately.  Well, that, and a specific comment from my mother at dinner.  Unhappy that I do not go to church anymore, she asked, in a very...snarky isn't the right word exactly, but that is as close I can get, tone, "And do you know where she is?" when I started joking about how my grandmother helped us find a bunch of stuff. 

I felt a need to tell her that my aversion to church is political, and she scoffed at me, saying that she was not going to discuss church with me.  I kind of wanted to say that she is the one who opened that door, but I decided to keep my mouth shut, because I really don't want to go into that.  My dad at least understands my dislike for organized religion and most religious people.  The Catholic Church especially is just riddled with so many problems...I wanted to distance myself from it.  

I'm just kind of tired of her looking at me almost...in disgust when we get on the topic of religion.  I honestly do not know what I think or believe in anymore.  Agnostic or Deist would be the best ways to describe me right now.  My mom has thought me Atheist, and while I do not identify as that...I kind of want to look at her and ask her why that would be a problem if I was.  Why?  It doesn't change anything about me?  I've always been more secular and less spiritual/religious.  I don't really understand why this is so different. 

I do not understand why something that is meant to foster love and acceptance (or at least that is how I was raised...), actually incites so much hatred and intolerance and violence.  I don't.  Even my mom is upset that I do not share her views.  And that bothers me.  She should be pleased, I would think...  Not necessarily because I don't want to be in the Catholic church, but more because she and my dad raised four independent individuals.  Four children who think for themselves and were able to think about what they believe in, instead of just accepting things that were told to them.  Intellectualism will always override religion, for me. Which is why, again, I am not nor never have been a very spiritual person. 

So that put a damper on my mood, and then when we finished dinner, I came back to a text from roommate asking whether or not I would have time to talk tonight.  And while I am not doing anything, I really...do not want to.  I know that it is going to be a serious talk and it is going to make me sad and everything, and I just do not have the energy to go through that right now.  But it makes me feel like a terrible person and friend.  It really really does.  

I'm also thinking about admitting something to the one person I actually have been wanting to talk to.  But at the same time, if I admit it, it might destroy what we have now, and I do not want that to happen.  And I don't exactly know what it is I would be admitting...it feels weird.  I can't tell what is going on. 

Glasses

All it took was the snow melting and my father and I channeling my grandmother (who always found lost things, apparently) to find the key!  I was so happy I ran around shouting "YAYYYYY" for probably a good minute or so.

Also...

OH SHIT NEW GLASSES.  

This is a big deal; my old glasses have been fucked up for a while so I haven't worn them at all except to play Halo (you know...the important things).  So it is nice to have new ones that won't fly off my face every single time I turn my head. 

So while we were able to find a place that would rent us a metal detector for the day, searching for three hours for that damn key proved fruitless at the doggie park.  If the snow melts, I might run back there one more time to check for it tomorrow.  Otherwise, my dad is going to head to a Kia dealership which is a client of his and then see if they could just make a new key for us.

Bah.  So much trouble.  If only I hadn't fucking dropped it or taken off my sister's keychain (I took it off because I didn't want to take both hers and mine, since they're both pretty big, and hers didn't have a working house key, and then I didn't put it on mine because her key and my key look identical, so I thought it would be easiest to have them separate...which was stupid).  Bah, I really was hoping that the metal detector would give us a better outcome than this.

Callie did have fun, though, since we were at the park for so very very long.

I'm...not really sure how I'm feeling right now, honestly.  I can't tell.

Guess who is an idiot who lost the only key to her sister's car at the dog park in the snow?

That's right, this girl right here.

I am so done with myself.  I can't believe this.

Tomorrow either locksmith or metal detecting.

But right now.  Fire Emblem.

I really wish I had pictures of this but I went outside with Callie an my sister today and played in the snow and it was absolutely fantastic.  Like...I actually had a really fun time.  It wasn't forced.  It wasn't faked.  It was real.  Completely real.  And that fun helped me feel a happiness I find myself lacking most of the time I am awake.

So, essentially, a good day.

I donned on snowpants and boots and a heavy coat and my dad's ski gloves and just ran around with my sister and my pup and we just had an awesome time.  Callie and I wrestled in the snow, and despite getting snow down my shirt, it was fantastic.  She did drag me around a bit, but that is more than okay.  And then we kept throwing snow on her and she kept running around and trying to catch any clumps of it she could.

Then...the rest of the day was spent with Fire Emblem.  It is still too much fun for its own good, though I get frustrated because I picked classic mode, which is where when a unit dies, they die for good, and I'm very...obsessed with keeping everyone alive.  So if I fuck up somewhere, and someone loses all his/her HP, I end up having to restart the whole level and it just gets a bit tedious.  But it is worth it because I just want everyone to live and know their endings and stuff.

I feel as though I should write another serious post soon...even though I shouldn't worry since those happen all the time.  Part of me thinks I ought to be concerned about this constant pushing away from friends and isolating myself and stuff...I have only been keeping in contact really with one of them.  And that is completely my fault.  It really is.  Really, I don't deserve any of them, because this is how I am.  I'm so afraid of losing them that I'm letting go of them myself, slowly.

The bad thing is that I honestly do not feel anything towards that train of thought.  No worry.  No sadness.  Not necessarily relief or anything either.  It is just kind of...there.  As though it is a fact unworthy of any emotional reaction.

Eh.  

Fic

I have not really read any fanfiction in years and I started reading an Ace Attorney one and it is so fucking good I can't.  Post Dual-Destinies and it is so interesting and gah I forgot how much I enjoy good fic.  It really has been a while.  And it focuses on Blackquill, which makes me happy.


My dad asked me if I talked with roommate about serious things, especially about how he said it appeared as though I did not care about him.  We haven't so I told him that, though I told him it was mostly because I did not want to talk about it just yet.  I really don't.  Even though I should; apparently my dad could tell there was tension between us when roommate picked up his pup earlier during the week.  And I went to movies because...well...movies is a good way of hanging out with people without actually having to talk to them or anything.  So I was strategic, almost.  Odd way of putting it, but game theory has altered my way of describing things sometimes.

I'm still hurt, honestly.  I am, but I don't really want to have that conversation right now.  I just want to play Fire Emblem and read fic and play with my pup and that's about it.

Seriously, I am a huge hermit, and I'm more than okay with this, unsurprisingly.  Isolation and all that.

Friend and I have been texting quite a bit, and at there is that communication.  I really enjoy talking to him.  I sometimes wonder if he enjoys it as much as I do.

Awakening

Fire Emblem Awakening...is so fucking good so far.  I can't.

It is so good.

And Marth.  MARTH.  (Or at least someone named Marth who fucking looks like him but I don't know if it is the Marth yet.  Regardless, I got stupid excite when I heard the name.)

No feels in this post because I just wanted to gush about this.  Pretty much I have been finishing one game and immediately picking up another because the school year makes it difficult for me to play a lot of stuff.  

Also obtained the new Zelda game, but that will be for post-Fire Emblem.

My 3DS has been getting a ton of action and I am loving it.

Quotes

"Allison, I fought my sad and won.  I can bear yours.  Especially if it would make you happy to be relieved of it."

"Strength is having friends.  You are smart and strong and beautiful and you deserve the world.  I would take your pain if I could."

[After me saying that I believe a person is stronger when dealing with things on his/her own rather than being a burden on others.] "Every anime discusses the power of friendship.  You are not a burden to your friends."

"My dream is for you to be happy.  I make my dreams come true."


He is very kind to and patient with me.  I don't deserve it.

Sleepy.  Until tomorrow.

New Year

Had the best smooching partner this year.

Longer post later/tomorrow.