You know nothing, Jon Snow

Title is somewhat relevant to personal stuff and is also a homage to one of my girls on GoT.


That emotionless feeling has washed over me again.  It is a dangerous thing, as it fuels the mental battle that goes on in my head, usually bolstering the darker side that reminds me that even though I have been feeling better in the past few days...I am still weak and pathetic.  While the phrase 'healing has no timeline' has been repeated over and over in my head, its power seems lost at the moment, and it seems to wane every day.

No one story makes sense to me, and none of my own reactions have been consistent because of it.  I waver between a multitude of different explanations, and what they all mean.  A few days ago, I posted something about confusing depression with a lack of love.

And I have returned to thinking that love was never there to begin with, at least on one side.

The score is three to zero.  Truthfully, that does not surprise me.  It is easier for him, I suppose.  Easier to feel that connection.  Harder to keep it going, but easier to ignite.  It appears the opposite with me.  Incredibly difficult to ignite, and able and willing to keep it going once it is lit.

I should not compare numbers the way that I am.  I know I shouldn't, because this is not a game of quantities.  People are not numbers.  Yet I find I cannot help myself.  The zero on my side is admittedly my own fault, for retreating behind my walls.  But I also feel nothing, and then when I tried to, everything came crumbling down.

Love.  It makes people stupid.  Or at least, it made me stupid.  Stupid and blind with the belief that those who loved me would be honest when they said that.  That people who claimed they never wanted to hurt me would actually try to keep that promise.  But I was wrong.

(Heh, I definitely would belong to House Stark.  ...And also because of the direwolves, of course.)

I was never truly loved.  Not really.

I believed things that were never true.  I gave things up and never received anything.  I tried to be patient and understanding and loyal and was betrayed and forgotten.  I am stuck while he has long since moved on.

And I never mattered.

And I don't.

...And that's okay, I suppose.

Heh, I really did know nothing, did I?

I still don't.