It is just bizarre that he will now be taking care of a child. I mean, I'm sure the baby was unplanned but...still. I'm just wondering how that is going to even work.
I have been distracted all day thanks to coding. Madagascar has been taking more time than I had hoped, but there was almost a civil war and then some other shit kept happening over some years and I had to run back and forth between a lot of articles and it ended up taking longer than I wanted. I would say that I get too nitpicky, but...if this dataset is going to be used in the future, shouldn't I be doing exactly as I am, even if it does take a little more time?
Unfortunately, the time I wasn't distracted was spent thinking about the past. Specifically, a lot of my thoughts today rested on London, and what happened when I was over there. I have always maintained that London was my greatest (and most foolish) sacrifice, but usually I am referring to how I chose to not apply to schools over there because, frankly, it would make him sad. But - and I believe I have mentioned this but it usually takes a backseat to the grad school thing - I sacrificed while I was over there too, really. I was so thoroughly manipulated that I didn't even see it at the time. Looking back, I understood why people would sigh or roll their eyes when I would say that I needed to be available on Skype for him. Because if I wasn't, he would be sad. I needed to text him while I was in Rome. In all honesty, I didn't think that it would be that big of a deal, not talking for a few days. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was doing something and then could have all sorts of stories upon my return to my laptop. But met with tears and crying and everything, I decided to text as much as possible (I don't remember if I called when I was over), even though doing so from Rome was more expensive (for both of us, really).
When I met a guy in Hyde Park, I had zero intention of getting with him in any way. I had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend (if I recall correctly), and we were talking about stuff after meeting in the park randomly. It was fun, meeting someone new. Meeting a new friend. But when ex freaked out because of it, I stopped talking to the guy. He would ask me to go out with him and his friends, and for me to bring my friends, and I would tell him I was busy, until I just stopped replying altogether. Admittedly, I did not tell ex immediately that I met this guy, but it wasn't out of this weird desire to keep it secret, I guess. I was afraid he was going to get angry. And I was right.
After I would go out to a pub or try to go out somewhere else with friends, ex would tell me how it made him feel sad and worried because he wasn't there to 'protect me,' essentially. Despite that I can take care of myself and I had friends with me, it didn't matter. He wasn't there, and so he made me feel guilty for going out, essentially. The amount of times I did go get drinks after that dropped significantly.
When I said I was going to Amsterdam, and vaguely mentioned that I might try marijuana while I was there, he freaked out once again. Basically, he told me that he didn't think I would do that stuff, and again said all these things about not being around to protect me (this conversation is quite darkly hilarious to me now, given the things I know he has tried and done), and made me feel absolutely guilty for even thinking about it, despite that I was on the fence. Then, he made me promise him that I wouldn't.
I had been waiting on an internship for months, and when I finally got it (or was close to getting it, I don't remember), I was so excited. The only thing was that if I wanted to stay for it, I would need to stay an extra few weeks. Now, originally I wanted to be back for UC's graduation, but I realized I would need to debate this, because I definitely would need to return for the beginning of Summer Fellows. Upon expressing this to ex, he panicked, basically. Telling me that he couldn't wait another two weeks. That he needed to see me, and that he couldn't deal with being apart any longer. There was no congratulations. No happiness for me finally getting something I have been trying to get. No. It was all about him. As our relationship often was. All about him. Safe to say I left at the original time I planned, early enough for him to be happy. And while I wanted to see him so badly...I also did not want to leave London. I loved London. I cried when I was on the plane to return to the United States. Part of me didn't want that plane to take off.
My own problems and emotions and inexperience in relationships allowed me to be manipulated so easily. No one has ever been able to walk all over me the way he was able to, and these examples are from when we were an ocean apart. I was so in love that I refused to see all of these things as manipulation. To me, he was just sad, and I needed to do all I could to make him happy. So I tried to do just that, even if it meant sacrificing things I wanted.
Really, it set the tone for our relationship.
And my return was not better. It was around two months later when I mentioned my plans to possibly apply to grad schools in London. Basically, he responded to that with a hanging threat over everything we had. That if I went, he wouldn't be able to continue. He used my love for him, and took our relationship hostage. Which was a main reason I chose not to go.
I could go on and on and on. And perhaps another entry will go through more, even though I have described many of these things in past entries.
After we broke up, more than a few people told me that while we were together they thought he was emotionally abusive towards me. They recognized things I did not want to see, and afterward, these people also saw the lies I did not want to acknowledge.
I was a fool, really. I was in love. I did not want to believe any of that. He was just sad. He had problems. I could help him, I thought. If I let him do what he wanted all the time and never bothered him about things, then maybe he'll be okay. I won't leave, like others have done to him. I'll stay, and I'll keep trying. He said he loved me. He said he wanted to be with me and only me forever. That he wanted nothing more than to keep seeing me. And those words I believed, even though they were venomous lies (I don't know why I'm so fond of the poison metaphor lately). None of it was true, I came to very slowly realize. I was not his favourite. I doubt I was the "only person he cared about." And he probably has told others that the strongest connection he has ever had was to them, as he told me.
"I love you so much that it made me realize I was not in love before I met you." That line probably was also reused. It is a good one, I'll admit. It made me misty-eyed. I'm sure it made everyone else like that too.
Why do I bring all this up again at times? These very specific details about various aspects of our relationship? Well, when I find that I am sad about him being with someone else or him being with yet another person while I have been single since him...I need to reiterate these things to myself. I need to ignore the rose-tinted glasses, and step back and see things for as they were. I was easily manipulated. There is no getting around that. I did not love myself, and so everything I wanted was second to things he wanted to do.
I'm trying to walk down this road of self-acceptance and self-love, which I often stumble on and often veer from. I cannot do that with sad nostalgic thoughts in my head. I do not want that relationship again.
Sometimes, I need to remind myself of that. Because I often forget.
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