Opted to not code today for some reason.  I guess I wanted a day off after spending most of yesterday doing that.  I did elect to read a decent amount in A Clash of Kings, because I unfortunately have not been able to get through it as fast due to coding stuff.  I will make sure I get to it tomorrow.  Gotta get through another country, and I think I did my two easiest first.  I'm looking to save South Africa for last, simply because out of the countries I have, it will probably be the one which will be the most troublesome for me.  Then again, maybe not.  Maybe one of the others will surprise me.


I spoke with two out of three people I messaged about the thing and they both pretty much said that if I thought it would help bring closure/be therapeutic, then go for it.  One mentioned possibly writing a hand-written letter if I could not deal with in-person.  Though I doubt that would get to its intended destination.

The third person is my best friend from forever, and the one who watched the crash and the effects of shit and just how far and hard I fell.  Hers is the opinion I want the most aside from Nancy, and it might very well be that ignoring things and just letting it be and allowing everything to suffer a slow and painful death in my mind is better than rehashing things.  A confrontation sounds good right now to me, but will it be the same tomorrow, or the next day?

She is probably the one who will tell me it is not a good idea, given my history when I confronted in the past.  While I sat there listening to lie after lie, making terrible decisions based on love and trust when I really ought to have been filled with hate and suspicion, she knew everything.  She saw through everything, and developed a loathing for him while I stayed blind.  Every time I told her a story or showed her the texts, she knew when the sweetness covered filthy lies and when the anger and hurt were being used to manipulate me.  It was her I called while crying after something happened.  She endured my panic attack after he emailed me last year.  She was the one I called when he told me how he wanted to live abroad and possibly adopt kids, causing me to scream and curse his name for bringing that up to me of all people, who wanted those things in my future.  And she is also one of the many people who recognized how he was destroying me far before things ended.  She hated him and distrusted him for me, when I should have been doing that.  It took me too long to realize that she (and others, to be fair) was right all along.

So far her silence on the issue has me worried that she thinks I am being an idiot even considering this (then again, it could also be due to her work and stuff).  If she does, I will weigh that heavily, more heavily than the other two, because she has never led me astray before.  (Hell, even when I wanted to surprise visit while we were on our way to Pittsburgh, she gave me a look and tried to convince me not to.  And then when I did it anyway and saw him, she caught the big lie immediately.  And then when I read his later texts about how it was so good of me to stop by and he was so happy to see me and he wished I could have stayed longer, etc., etc....she was the one who called that all out for what it was: a huge fucking pile of bullshit.)

I regret not listening to her more.  Really, I do.