Roommates (well, two of the three) and I decided to cook chicken cutlets and fries and corn and mozzarella sticks tonight and I have to say, it was an excellent idea.  We had good food, and then sat down and watched HBO's 'The Normal Heart,' which was fantastic, albeit terribly sad.  (Though, we figured it would be, given its subject matter.)  It was a good night, where we were able to do stuff together and I once again decided to forgo work and coding because I've been feeling weird and unproductive and kind of listless when it comes to that and a lot of stuff.

Example - earlier, they asked me if I wanted to go swimming at a park, and I declined, giving them a better reason than "I'm feeling kind of loner-ish right now and so I don't want to hang out with any humans."  Instead, I took Callie to the doggie park, where she mainly went swimming because there were very very few other pups there for her to play with.  Plus it was warm.  I think she much preferred the water.

In the past few days I have become somewhat shut-in again, for various reasons.  I want to do a lot of things, but I feel little motivation to actually get up and do them, and I feel chained to my house and my office due to coding work and my own projects that I have been seriously neglecting.  Which is not a good thing, considering I have comps coming up this fall and I should have a paper ready for journal submission relatively soon.  Considering that I'll probably get rejected but it will take a few months to get that rejection (unless I'm lucky enough to receive one outright), I should try to submit a manuscript sooner rather than later.

The voice that always tells me to just give up has gotten a bit louder again.  Couldn't figure out what I wanted soon enough to have confrontation.  Can't get motivation to write or code.  Have no desire to do most things outside of my normal mundane routine, and when I do want to do other stuff, it is not enough to actually force myself out the door.

My constant ups and downs are really...frustrating.


Also I have not gotten paid yet.  Why.  I want moneys.