I...I feel weird.

Maybe it is because I am thinking about things I should not be, which is still unfortunately common.  Or perhaps it is because I started reading things from the past that I should have sealed away somehow.  Or it might even be those continued hypothetical events that continue to play throughout my mind.  Telling me to do things, to close things.

Although I have been feeling less terrible in the few weeks I've been home, I know that the part of me that is still sad remains locked up inside.  And it screams at me sometimes, arguing with the rest of me about what I should do and who I am and who others are and all that.  The part that still looks at my past and says that I was and will never be good enough for the love and friendships I desire.  That I should continue to not try, continue to keep to myself, because that is what is going to happen.  Trust no one outside your family and those closest friends who have established they would do anything for you.

Truthfully, I remain isolated.  I do not seek out people, but rather confine myself to those I know already (but just barely, even), and to my family.  I find more comfort in animals than I do in people, that much remains true.

I guess I still do not trust people enough to get close to them.  I don't want to.  I don't want to get close (or even make the effort, really) and then they do something that hurts.

Then again, at the same time I want that closeness.  I do not feel a desperate need of it anymore, but I will not deny that I feel jealous at times.  To have someone close to you, who will cuddle with you and share their secrets and allow you to share yours...who will kiss you and embrace you and make you laugh even when you are sad.  Who will take care of you when you are sick, even if all they can do is drive you to a doctor, or buy you ice cream and medicine, or put a cold cloth on your head if you are too warm...

Really, I do not deserve to have that, I don't think.  I don't want to get close, and...I guess I want the closeness to come to me.  I want the connection to find me.  But that is...unlikely, given how closed off I am.


...Like I said, I feel weird right now.