I should have messaged earlier about face to face stuff.  I took too long in deciding.  Though knowing me, if I had decided earlier and shit happened, I would have wished I had done nothing.

Also it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway, with his track record of following through on shit and keeping his word and everything.

Really, I don't know why I care all of a sudden?  I really had zero intention on speaking with him until I found out he was moving across the country.  Perhaps the fact that it is no longer a viable option has me wishing I took it, especially since the fucking dreams are still happening.  God, I hate the dreams.  There are so many of them and it is terrible.

Right now I don't feel sad or anything like that.  I'm really just angry.  I keep thinking about this missed opportunity and I keep thinking about how he has yet another girlfriend despite that he always kept telling me (and others, I imagine) the bullshit line of "oh I just couldn't be in a relationship anymore."  That line is cheap and garbage and untrue, given that he has been in a relationship for more time than he has been out of one since we broke up (and probably before that also).

Meanwhile, I go back and forth on whether I want a relationship, and even if I ultimately decided I wanted one again...that shit isn't easy for me, and thinking about how he complained about connecting with people always infuriates me.  Because I actually have that problem.  Which is why, as I've said before, I've only been in one relationship.  I am not about to get into that sort of commitment with someone when I feel little to nothing for them.  Before the ex, I tried doing that and it was a disaster and it made me hate myself even more because I always felt terribly guilty about it.

Of course, my whole saga with him just exacerbated that problem, because I emotionally shut down and shut out practically everyone.  I became a fucking robot, with no emotion and feeling nothing even towards my closest friends and family most of the time.  It has only been recently that that has begun to change a bit, though I still find myself in emotionless trances at times, with a desire to do nothing but sit around and waste away.  And I pin other stuff on medication and going to sessions and all, which have been good but I fear what will happen if and when I stop.  (A friend has warned me about getting too dependent on the meds, and I already know/believe I am, because if I forget or stop for a few days, my mood plummets and I end up back in the same dark place I've been trying to climb out of for a long time now.)

So, I don't know.  I just get bitter.  Sometimes I wonder if the shit he did was my karma catching up with me for the shit I did in high school, where I would convince myself I liked people and then soon realized I really didn't, leaving that person all sad and everything.  Was he nature's justice, in a way?  But me thinking that returns to me thinking I deserved it all, which I do honestly always go back and forth on depending on my mood and my level of self-esteem that day.

I do wish I were like others, and that I did not dwell on things.  But I have always been one to think about shit too long, and to obsess over things that happened in the past and what I could have done to change it.  My parents always told me that I should not do that, since it just causes me grief and stress and sadness, but doing so is so ingrained in me that I can't help it most of the time.  It has also contributed to my perfectionism, because I often forget that hindsight is 20/20 and believe I should have known everything that would happen at the time it was occurring.

Unfortunately, I do dwell.  And the more important something was to me, the more I dwell on it.