After having my session with Nancy I decided to forgo coding and finish A Clash of Kings and my god.  It is so good.  I was telling her how into this whole story and world I have become, and how it actually has proven to be a very nice escape from my own mind.  When I start to think about ex and work and stupid shit, I can run to this story and allow my mind to become immersed in that instead.  It is weird; I have a ton of stories and shows that I really enjoy and can run to, but this has been the first one in a while where I feel as though I can completely forget everything else, and sit for hours reading and worrying about the fates of my favourite characters.

Man, I dunno.  I know it sounds corny as shit but I'm being all weird and it is like how I felt with Harry Potter when I was younger.  Except I find this better, actually.  Because the classic good vs. evil does not really exist.  There is gray everywhere.  And I dig that.  It is different.

I also decided to just read because I already feel trapped from work and coding and stuff.  Binghamton always feels like it traps me and suffocates any happiness I've been feeling into this indifference or sadness or anger.  I relayed my stories of terrible birthdays in the past few years, and how I would like this year to be different.  At this rate, that almost requires me to be out of Bing, which is admittedly what I am thinking about.  Either to Menzingers concert down in Baltimore, or up to the Adirondacks to do the ropes course with friends/family, or something else, I suppose.  Something, though.  I haven't had a birthday I actually enjoyed in a very long time, it feels.  I should ask college roommate what she is up to that weekend; it is unfortunately the Sunday of July 4th weekend, meaning people probably will/already have plans.  But I could ask.  I would like to hang out with her on that day, if possible.

I also went into my anger about ex and missed opportunities, and it was suggested that maybe a letter would be good.  It doesn't need to be sent, but maybe I can pretend I am speaking to him and see what it is I wanted to say and everything.  Or I could do a video, which would allow me to speak things and stuff.  It kind of isn't the same, really, given that it won't be direct or anything.  Of course, I could always take him up on the video chat he offered but it feels like a cheap version of what I wanted, and I'm sure it would devolve into a "why are we doing this" from him, since he often would do that to me when I announced grievances in the past.  Granted, it was when I repeated some of them, but that was usually because I felt them inadequately addressed.

Really, I should just forget about it.  He's across the country now, probably just seeing me as a distant memory who does not matter anymore.  He should become the same for me.  He should have a long time ago, honestly.