Although I have spent all damn day coding, I still feel as though I have not gotten nearly enough done and that is worrisome and annoying.  And just shows how damn shit I am at everything.

Bah, I just feel inadequate.  Again, the lack of productivity on my own stuff does not help.

Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to just go into the private sector.  Not everyone wants a political scientist, though.  But perhaps my statistical skills and ability to handle data involving human beings would be of use somewhere.  I don't know.

But then I think about it and just get sad with that idea too because it isn't what I want.  Then again, I barely know what I want anymore.  I have no idea what my future looks like; right now it is a dark blur which I cannot seem to see through.

I've been so down in the past few days.  Part of it is directly a result of ex-related thoughts (which is especially frustrating given I should not be having those), part of it is from work, and I guess part of it is just from being back in Bing.


Also Callie did super bad on her recall training today.  So yay.  I'm also a shit trainer.

(I should go to agility tomorrow.  Maybe she is just cooped up and stuff.  I don't know.)


Oh, and first sign birthday might just be a repeat of disappointing times: college roommate is working all weekend.  Wooo.


I just am kind of pouting and shit today.  And feel sad, I guess.

Monsters

Honestly I do not know why I get a bit sad when I see things or when I notice that something is different that wasn't.  Especially when I should not be looking for things in the first place.  So seeing that a picture which once existed does no longer should not cause me to laugh in a self-depreciating manner.  Because a) I should not be even seeing things like that, my own curiosity be fucking damned, and more importantly b) I should not give two flying fucks.

Sometimes I go through these modes where I really think about exactly how unimportant I was and am and allow those thoughts to sit in my head and simmer.  Most of the time, my doing that just leads to me being angry with myself.  How could I have not seen the truth?  Why am I still affected?  Why was I nothing in the end?  Whys and hows and shoulds are all part of my daily mental vocabulary, and try as I might to snuff them out, they just continue to return over and over and over again.

Every time I tell myself that I think I am okay and I think I am doing better, it only takes a few stray thoughts for that to collapse.

Really, sadness isn't even the thing that returns most of the time.  It is...that feeling of emptiness.  That hollow feeling that nothing can satisfy, and for me the only thing that comes close is being with Callie and doing things with her and the other furry creatures in my house.  Dogs, especially, I see as pure.  Loyal and trustworthy, more so than probably any other human I could possibly meet.  And perhaps that is why I am much more comfortable around dogs and animals than humans lately.  They have no agenda, no capacity to trick me into believing that I am loved and special when I am not.  They cannot say the words "I love you" and "I want to be with only you forever," while knowing that the truth is far from that.  In a way, I find I understand dogs better than I do people.

Callie won't lie to me because she can't.

People I cannot understand.  I cannot understand anything the ex did or has done, and I spiraled into some level of insanity while trying to figure it out.  Humans are illogical, and I cannot grasp their intentions or their actions.  If I love a dog and treat her kindly and show her how much she means to me, while also training her mind and body, she responds with affection in turn.  She stays by my side, and would protect me if I was in danger.  She would comfort me when I am sad, and want to play.  In a way, she would (and does) love me in return, or at least what I as a human perceives as love.  But humans are different.  They do not always return the same love, and that is okay given that feelings are not always reciprocated.  But they lie.  They lie again and again and again for their own purposes, trampling on those they claim to care about and love.  If I was loved even as half as much as he said, none of what transpired between us would have happened.

I wasn't loved.  And I often hate myself for not realizing it sooner.

In a way, I fear humanity more than I ever did before falling in love.  Because I realized the extent of humanity's ability to betray, to be selfish, to deceive.  Here was a person who told me repeatedly how much he loved me; how I was his favourite, and how he felt so lucky to be with me.  How he always spoke the truth.  (Funnily, right then I should have realized something was up, because only pathological liars insist that they tell the truth 100% of the time.)  Yet none of that was close to being true.  It really wasn't.

There are several people I have spoken to who have insisted to me that my ex is not the monster I pin him as.  Truthfully, I do go back and forth on that notion, mostly out of a selfish desire to have not been so royally incorrect in judging a person.  I don't want to have been in love with a monster.  But he basically taught me that humanity is full of monsters, and there are more of them than I ever thought.  Hell, I too am probably a monster, though I like to think I am not.  But I am; I have done terrible things and have said awful comments all out of a selfish desire to save my own feelings, which could not be rescued anyway.  He, however, became the scariest demon of all, since he presented himself as such a wonderful and loving person.

I see him as a monster because to me, that is what he truly is.  He lied to me.  He used me.  He abandoned me.  He betrayed me.  He destroyed me.  How could I see him as anything other than a monster?  I don't want him to be.  I never really did.  Constantly I told myself that he was not.  He was just sad, and lonely, and I messed everything up and could have done more.  I defended him to friends and family, and excused his lies and his hurtful actions because he was "trying to find himself" or something equally idiotic.  I clung foolishly to hopes that he would turn around and be the person he was; the person I had loved.  But that person was a farce anyway, and it took too much time for me to figure that out.  I should have realized that once he accused me of having too high expectations of him, when all I ever wanted was for him to be a decent human being.

He is the monster who shattered everything I was.  My independence crashed.  My faith in humanity destroyed.  Any small bits of confidence I had in myself were snuffed out.  I questioned my sanity.  My desire to live suffered, and fear was the main thing that clung me to this world for a long time.

My ability to trust and love...practically nonexistent now.

My ex...my monster, so to say, haunts me.  Not necessarily because of him as a person, I suppose.  But for all that which he did and all that he represents to me now.  All those terrible things that I have come to believe and feel, unable to truly escape the pit that he helped dig for me.

Part of me thinks that I'll never actually get out.

I feel so little, still.

In that way, I suppose I too am now a monster.

Sometimes I wished I lived by myself so that when I wanted, I could just be naked all day and not have to worry if people are around/coming home/etc.  I could just stay in my room like that, but it gets annoying whenever I need to leave for whatever reason.

Also, cold showers right after working out on a summer day are probably one of the best things ever.


I've been trying to code Comoros but I only got through two years before I started getting unfocused and sleepy.  Go me.  I am the epitome of a professional scholar.

Ugh.


...I might want pizza tonight.

Roommates (well, two of the three) and I decided to cook chicken cutlets and fries and corn and mozzarella sticks tonight and I have to say, it was an excellent idea.  We had good food, and then sat down and watched HBO's 'The Normal Heart,' which was fantastic, albeit terribly sad.  (Though, we figured it would be, given its subject matter.)  It was a good night, where we were able to do stuff together and I once again decided to forgo work and coding because I've been feeling weird and unproductive and kind of listless when it comes to that and a lot of stuff.

Example - earlier, they asked me if I wanted to go swimming at a park, and I declined, giving them a better reason than "I'm feeling kind of loner-ish right now and so I don't want to hang out with any humans."  Instead, I took Callie to the doggie park, where she mainly went swimming because there were very very few other pups there for her to play with.  Plus it was warm.  I think she much preferred the water.

In the past few days I have become somewhat shut-in again, for various reasons.  I want to do a lot of things, but I feel little motivation to actually get up and do them, and I feel chained to my house and my office due to coding work and my own projects that I have been seriously neglecting.  Which is not a good thing, considering I have comps coming up this fall and I should have a paper ready for journal submission relatively soon.  Considering that I'll probably get rejected but it will take a few months to get that rejection (unless I'm lucky enough to receive one outright), I should try to submit a manuscript sooner rather than later.

The voice that always tells me to just give up has gotten a bit louder again.  Couldn't figure out what I wanted soon enough to have confrontation.  Can't get motivation to write or code.  Have no desire to do most things outside of my normal mundane routine, and when I do want to do other stuff, it is not enough to actually force myself out the door.

My constant ups and downs are really...frustrating.


Also I have not gotten paid yet.  Why.  I want moneys.

Went and saw Maleficent with roommates, which was a nice change of pace.  Also, A+ movie, definitely recommend.

I watched the first two of the three episodes of Book 3 for Korra tonight, and I'm currently getting the third because I need to watch it before sleep.  Need.

Also I should really call my parents tomorrow...I kept meaning to do that but then I'd get sucked into coding or book or something and then before I realized it, it would be past 10 or 11.


I was thinking about things to say in a video.  Maybe I'll do that.  I don't know.  I haven't done one in a while, it feels.

After having my session with Nancy I decided to forgo coding and finish A Clash of Kings and my god.  It is so good.  I was telling her how into this whole story and world I have become, and how it actually has proven to be a very nice escape from my own mind.  When I start to think about ex and work and stupid shit, I can run to this story and allow my mind to become immersed in that instead.  It is weird; I have a ton of stories and shows that I really enjoy and can run to, but this has been the first one in a while where I feel as though I can completely forget everything else, and sit for hours reading and worrying about the fates of my favourite characters.

Man, I dunno.  I know it sounds corny as shit but I'm being all weird and it is like how I felt with Harry Potter when I was younger.  Except I find this better, actually.  Because the classic good vs. evil does not really exist.  There is gray everywhere.  And I dig that.  It is different.

I also decided to just read because I already feel trapped from work and coding and stuff.  Binghamton always feels like it traps me and suffocates any happiness I've been feeling into this indifference or sadness or anger.  I relayed my stories of terrible birthdays in the past few years, and how I would like this year to be different.  At this rate, that almost requires me to be out of Bing, which is admittedly what I am thinking about.  Either to Menzingers concert down in Baltimore, or up to the Adirondacks to do the ropes course with friends/family, or something else, I suppose.  Something, though.  I haven't had a birthday I actually enjoyed in a very long time, it feels.  I should ask college roommate what she is up to that weekend; it is unfortunately the Sunday of July 4th weekend, meaning people probably will/already have plans.  But I could ask.  I would like to hang out with her on that day, if possible.

I also went into my anger about ex and missed opportunities, and it was suggested that maybe a letter would be good.  It doesn't need to be sent, but maybe I can pretend I am speaking to him and see what it is I wanted to say and everything.  Or I could do a video, which would allow me to speak things and stuff.  It kind of isn't the same, really, given that it won't be direct or anything.  Of course, I could always take him up on the video chat he offered but it feels like a cheap version of what I wanted, and I'm sure it would devolve into a "why are we doing this" from him, since he often would do that to me when I announced grievances in the past.  Granted, it was when I repeated some of them, but that was usually because I felt them inadequately addressed.

Really, I should just forget about it.  He's across the country now, probably just seeing me as a distant memory who does not matter anymore.  He should become the same for me.  He should have a long time ago, honestly.  

Ended up picking up one of the roommates (previously known as 'roommate's boyfriend,' but that feels like a wrong description since he is a roommate himself) from the bar because he had been tricked into going when he actually did not want to.  He had texted me saying that he wasn't surprised (we were talking about stuff yesterday), and that he didn't know they were going to a bar, since it was just called a 'surprise' to him, and later it was said that he wasn't told it was a bar until the last minute because he would not have agreed to go.  So, I offered to get him if he wanted to get out of there, because I understand being dragged to a place you really don't want to go, and then having no means of escape when you get there.

That sort of tactic is really angering to me, because it shows a level of manipulation that seems somewhat familiar to me and thus I really do not like it.  My friend doing that to his boyfriend makes that notion leave an ever sourer taste in my mouth, since I don't like to think that the people I choose to be friends with would do something like that.

I know I should not get too involved in the relationships of others, but part of me would like to say something to friend about how shitty that was.  Because I really do think that was terrible; it shows a lack of acknowledgement for his partner's feelings, basically tricking and then guilting him into doing something he just did not want to.  The idea of them doing separate things tonight just did not occur to him.

Maybe I'm taking this too personally, but I just did not like that that happened.  It was really messed up to me.

So, after I picked him up (I had brought the pups because they were good and I figured they would like the ride), we ended up going to the ice cream stand I frequented with Callie the year before.  (Upon seeing the place, she went nuts, because she knew what it was and why we were there.  It was actually really cute but also made it somewhat difficult to control her.  Girl loves her ice cream.)  I bought, and then we just chatted there and then took the pups for a walk when we got home, and kept talking for some time.

I just hope his boyfriend doesn't get all huffy with either of us.


Got an appointment tomorrow with Nancy, which is good.  I've been feeling weird lately and today was kind of listless and shit when I was not reading.  Hooray.  I'll ask her about her opinions on video stuff, though part of me is thinking that the moment has passed, and that is a compromise I originally said I would not take.  Either in person or nothing.

Maybe I should just not bother.  It isn't as though anything would change anyway.  I mean, I did think that it would help me, and on some level I still do, but maybe the possible benefit isn't worth the probable cost.

Bah.

I find it funny that even though I keep saying that I do not want to go to bars for a multitude of reasons (number 1 being that I can't/don't want to drink, making them less than ideal for me), roommates always seem disappointed when I elect to not go out with them when they go to hang out with people at bars.  Instead of, oh I don't know, offering a different place once in a while to hang out and everything, they just always do bars and the like.  And then wonder why I don't want to go out most of the time.

Other shit does exist.

Not gonna lie, I was hoping that my not-cohort-roommate would stay, because I think he has found the constant bar-going tiring, and I was going to see if he maybe wanted to see a movie together.  But alas, he went with, so I'm by myself with the pups and the kitty.  It is no wonder that I have been more comfortable in the presence of animals than people in recent months (/year, probs).

Part of me now also doesn't want to go to a bar on principle.  I keep saying I want to do something else, and people keep saying that we should and will hang out somewhere different but we never do.

I know I'm kind of just pouting and stuff, but it really is rather annoying to me.

I'm back to wishing that I had more friends up here in Binghamton, as my cohort-mates tend to not want to do anything other than drink and go to bars when we get together.  Never a movie, or just dinner, or hanging out at someone's house, or something like that.  It is always a damn bar, and so it isn't surprising to me that I almost always opt out.

Though at the same time, I kind of wanted to stay at home no matter what.  I'm really tired, because I once again did not sleep very well, and I kept myself awake too long thinking about stupid shit.

I should email Nancy, to try and see her either tomorrow or Friday.  Talk to her about how I have these contradictory emotions of both relief and disappointment about lack of confrontation, and that anger has wormed its way in there as well.  At myself, really; I keep saying that I should have, if I had really wanted to, sent something earlier.  The relief is only because I do not need to worry about something bad happening anymore, but I guess I wanted to tell him shit to his face badly enough.  If not, I probably wouldn't be so weirdly miffed about it.

Though I kind of hate that I am, because as best friend said, it shows that I'm still not fucking over stuff, and that sucks.  It sucks and it is terrible and I get stupidly angry whenever I actually fully acknowledge that truth (usually I'll quantify it to myself: "oh I'm over him but not over the idea of him" or something like that).  He took a weekend, basically and then has had three other significant relationships during the time frame I've spent trying to piece myself back together, all while spewing the same "I just can't be in a relationship" line.

I wasn't special to him, really.  I wasn't, and I know at times I tell myself that that is okay when it actually still upsets me.  Because I was the fool who thought I was special and loved and so did everything in my power to do things for this person, blind to the fact that I was being manipulated and lied to.  Despite him being a terrible boyfriend, I wanted to make him happy.  Really, it is no wonder that he was so easily able to do those things to me, given my emotional state.

Oftentimes, I say that I want to be in love again.  I want to be with someone again.  To feel that level of trust and comfort and be able to fall asleep in someone's arms and know that I will wake up to someone who will smile at me and hug me if I am sad or had a bad dream.  Who will laugh at me when they try to get me up but I'm too sleepy to be coherent in any way.  All that corny shit that belongs in hallmark cards that I would never have admitted to years ago.  But at other times, I don't want that again.  I want to close off, recalling exactly what he was able to get me to do for him, while I was too in love and thus too stupid to see that I was sacrificing too much and gaining too little (really, I could have used a course on game theory pre-relationship).  I don't want to be stupid.  And I'm not saying that love makes everyone like that, but I am certainly saying that it makes me like that: blind to lies and deception, and clueless when it comes to what that person actually thinks of me.

I go back and forth.  I guess I cannot really tell what I want.  I'm not sure what that is.  When it comes to anything, honestly.

I have no idea what will make me honestly and truly happy.


Also flash flood warning aww yeah I love thunderstorms and shit.

I had a dream about Sailor Moon.  I think I was one of the scouts, and I was sitting next to Usagi (as SM) and I was talking with her about something.  Then we saw Tuxedo Mask and I asked her when she was going to ask him out, since she was obviously into him and he was a hunk.  She just started stammering and I laughed and then some other cool shit happened.

And I am pretty sure I also had a dream about The Lion King but I don't remember much of that one.

Is this my brain's way of being excited about the SM remake and also that I should watch more animated stuff?

I'm still feeling weird.  Uncomfortable.  Sad, somewhat.  Blank.  Wanting things but knowing I can't do them right now.  Realizing I'm still not doing much with my time other than working, really.  And worrying about my own work and how I haven't done any of that due to coding, and how I should actually start doing that or making a plan to do that or whatnot.

Also I stupidly did not schedule my next appointment with Nancy and I kind of really want to get in there because I swear sometimes I think having my sessions with her is really the greatest contributor to my relative level of sanity, and not going weekly when I am up here might not be the best of ideas.  I'll need to email her tomorrow or something.  Maybe she could see me on Thursday.

Really, I should take more time to myself, or at least to do my own research instead of coding.  We are really only supposed to devote 20 hours a week but I feel like I do more.  Not that I have the results to show for it; I'm getting faster but it still takes a while sometimes.  Luckily I'm almost done with Mauritius, which will be my fourth country finished.  I'm saving South Africa for last since that one is probably going to be the most extensive.


Also I want a tattoo.  Damn my decreasing funds and my own nervousness to do certain shit for no particular reason.

I did not fall asleep until around 7 in the morning.  At 6 I decided to take Callie out for a 45 minute walk, because I knew if I fell asleep at that time I was not getting up until noon or later, and I didn't want her to wait that long.  Luckily, there were no dreams.  Maybe I was too exhausted or something, I don't know. 

Callie has a vet appointment at 2 and I need to spend my day coding, since I feel like I have been slacking on that.  I would like to also clean my room and start on the basement; I finished the kitchen and the living rooms, both of which look awesome now and I'm going to try and get everyone (myself included) to keep it that way. 

Last roommate comes home today with the Murrster.  Excite.

Can't sleep. Which is annoying cause it isn't even as if I've been sleeping late.

Maybe I just want to not sleep in order to avoid possible dreams.

I should have messaged earlier about face to face stuff.  I took too long in deciding.  Though knowing me, if I had decided earlier and shit happened, I would have wished I had done nothing.

Also it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway, with his track record of following through on shit and keeping his word and everything.

Really, I don't know why I care all of a sudden?  I really had zero intention on speaking with him until I found out he was moving across the country.  Perhaps the fact that it is no longer a viable option has me wishing I took it, especially since the fucking dreams are still happening.  God, I hate the dreams.  There are so many of them and it is terrible.

Right now I don't feel sad or anything like that.  I'm really just angry.  I keep thinking about this missed opportunity and I keep thinking about how he has yet another girlfriend despite that he always kept telling me (and others, I imagine) the bullshit line of "oh I just couldn't be in a relationship anymore."  That line is cheap and garbage and untrue, given that he has been in a relationship for more time than he has been out of one since we broke up (and probably before that also).

Meanwhile, I go back and forth on whether I want a relationship, and even if I ultimately decided I wanted one again...that shit isn't easy for me, and thinking about how he complained about connecting with people always infuriates me.  Because I actually have that problem.  Which is why, as I've said before, I've only been in one relationship.  I am not about to get into that sort of commitment with someone when I feel little to nothing for them.  Before the ex, I tried doing that and it was a disaster and it made me hate myself even more because I always felt terribly guilty about it.

Of course, my whole saga with him just exacerbated that problem, because I emotionally shut down and shut out practically everyone.  I became a fucking robot, with no emotion and feeling nothing even towards my closest friends and family most of the time.  It has only been recently that that has begun to change a bit, though I still find myself in emotionless trances at times, with a desire to do nothing but sit around and waste away.  And I pin other stuff on medication and going to sessions and all, which have been good but I fear what will happen if and when I stop.  (A friend has warned me about getting too dependent on the meds, and I already know/believe I am, because if I forget or stop for a few days, my mood plummets and I end up back in the same dark place I've been trying to climb out of for a long time now.)

So, I don't know.  I just get bitter.  Sometimes I wonder if the shit he did was my karma catching up with me for the shit I did in high school, where I would convince myself I liked people and then soon realized I really didn't, leaving that person all sad and everything.  Was he nature's justice, in a way?  But me thinking that returns to me thinking I deserved it all, which I do honestly always go back and forth on depending on my mood and my level of self-esteem that day.

I do wish I were like others, and that I did not dwell on things.  But I have always been one to think about shit too long, and to obsess over things that happened in the past and what I could have done to change it.  My parents always told me that I should not do that, since it just causes me grief and stress and sadness, but doing so is so ingrained in me that I can't help it most of the time.  It has also contributed to my perfectionism, because I often forget that hindsight is 20/20 and believe I should have known everything that would happen at the time it was occurring.

Unfortunately, I do dwell.  And the more important something was to me, the more I dwell on it.

It took two days but that kitchen is clean and organized as fuck.  Aw yeah.

I should also do the living room, but I don't want to right now aaaaand we are pretty much out of floor cleaner.  Of all the shit I went and bought for the house the other day, that is the one thing I forgot.

Now I just need to get roommates and myself to keep it that way.  At least during the summer months when we have time and shit.


...I should do other things but I am lazy today, with the exception of kitchen cleaning, I guess.  I kinda just wanna laze around and watch tv/read.

I'm totally being mature

Ugh.

You don't deserve to be happy.

Also you look like a huge dork.

And not in the good way.


fchjsdkfhsd why do I care, stop this Allison.

Relevant gif kinda sorta.  Idk, I have angry feels right now.  Maybe it is partially because I did not get the face to face confrontation I ultimately wanted.

At first I felt bad when I woke up at 10:45, because Callie sat there all patiently, waiting for me to get up and take her for a walk.  But then while we were on walk, we saw the German Shepherd twins and a Golden Retriever who lives next to them, and so she was able to play with them off leash for a while.  She is getting better at that, which is good, because I really would like for her to run around without me being afraid she is going to go anywhere.  Usually she is okay.  She did, however, see two other dogs and run to them at points, but she came back.  I told everyone that she is still in the training process when it comes to recalls; my most effective recall training has so far been with agility, and we haven't been able to go to class in about a month.  But I do plan on texting our trainer and letting him know that we should be back on Tuesday!  Just as long as Callie's vet appointment doesn't last too long, since it starts at 2 and agility is at 4.

We'll see.  Maybe I'll tell him that I may or may not be there depending on vet.

I've also spent my day cleaning, specifically kitchen.  And even more specifically, the fridge.  My god the amount of expired crap in there was gross, and I could definitely tell that no one actually has cleaned it in a while.  I had to pull out the yellow rubber cleaning gloves.  I plan on doing the rest of the kitchen, and maybe the bathroom, but the kitchen is a project and a half.  I said yesterday that I was basically going to gut it, and that is still my plan, because it fucking needs it desperately.  I just am breaking for a bit to enjoy some soda and reading and maybe some food because I haven't been able to pick up A Clash of Kings in too long.


Still obviously thinking about some personal stuff.  Maybe I'll write about it later.

"You can't just chop up the aspects of a relationship into discrete parts and select the ones you want like a buffet."

Good words from Parks and Rec.


Also I still haven't finished Swaziland because protests exploded in 2011-2013 and I spent too long last night clipping coupons for Target...which I still need to go to tonight.


Wahh, I just wanna read A Clash of Kings.  Sob.

Trampoline Park

Today was spent in Albany with a super good friend whom I usually only see once or twice a year (Otakon is a definite; she and I have been going together since we started with that con).  We went to this super awesome trampoline park, which was fucking awesome and I felt like a kid (even though all the actual kids were showing me up like crazy because fuck I am out of shape and I have not been on a trampoline in a very long time).  But it was so great!  We only did an hour, which was enough for us both, honestly.  I really wish that place was closer to here, because that would be a fun way to get exercise in without it being a huge chore.  It would just be bouncing around a lot and it would be awesome.  But alas, it is two hours away.  I guess I can take people there on a Saturday or something for a fun trip away from Bing.

We then went to the Crossgates mall, really to walk around and chat and see if we could find any cosplay stuff for me.  Sadly, we were unsuccessful.  I was mainly looking for the boots; I would like nice ones because they will probably be a pair I would wear outside of cosplay purposes.  Because combat boots.  (Seriously, why do I only have one pair of those?)  I'll still look around here and online and see what I can find.  I do also need to invest in a wig, though I have sites for that.  The rest of the stuff, with the exception of the jacket, should be relatively simple to find.  I might have friend detail the shirt a bit, since there is some blue on her collar and pocket and cuffs (I think; I'll need to double check), but when I asked her she said that wouldn't be difficult.  The jacket might be weird, especially since she wears it oddly and it is somewhat specific, but I'm sure I could find that as well.  If not, then I might go with a lab coat instead, since Kurisu does also wear that and friend's friend already has one that I could maybe borrow.

Also part of me thought about adding a second character to my lineup this year, if I have the funds and everything.  I have never had more than one cosplay in a given year, so it could be fun to have multiple!

After mall, it was dinner with friend and her boyfriend, whom I have never met before, and I have to say I do approve.  He was funny, even if we disagreed on the merits of Korra.  But that is alright.  They seem good together, from what I saw, and as long as he makes her happy and treats her well and stuff, then he is more than okay by me.


Sent the thing, but due to moving, no in-person meeting will be able to occur.  Video call was offered, but it isn't the same, and I told myself previously that if I was going to confront, it would only be in person.  But now shit is tempting.  We'll see.  I'm leaning towards sticking to my guns though.  

I have to respond to stuff but tumblr is being all weird and shiz.  Blargh.  But good things yay!

Though I do have coding I need to get through, since I've done none today and instead opted to watch a ton of Orange is the New Black.

Also I have a draft email up and I keep going back and forth on whether to press the send button.

Had a dream about ex. 

I don't remember a whole lot of details, but I do remember being in a glass room while he was on the other side with his girlfriend and I kept screaming at him and he kept telling her I was crazy and insane.  Every time I tried to talk to him, he would promise me that we would - later - but never actually followed through on that when I wanted it.  I kept getting angrier and angrier and his girlfriend seemed disturbed by me, clinging onto him almost as if to protect him.  To her, he was the victim, and I was a big bully.  I kept shouting that he never let me say my piece and that he was a coward for running from it and from me.  He kept saying that we had already talked about this stuff, but I kept calling him a liar because we never spoke about this in person, which is what I wanted to do.  

I became obsessive, following him and his girlfriend out of spite, but never sneakily.  They always knew I was behind them, telling him that he promised he would listen to me, even if what I wanted to do was yell at him for the things he did to me.  At one point I couldn't tell if the girlfriend thought I was deranged or if there was truth to what I was saying. 

Shouting, I told him that he could deny everything, but that wouldn't take away the truth that I now saw.  That he could convince himself that he did everything he could and that he is a good person and all that, but deep down he knows he is a lying bastard with no heart who just uses people and sucks all the life out of them before moving on to the next woman he convinces to love him. 

I would not allow people to not hear this.  I was determined.  This was all after the glass room, and I'm not completely sure how I got out.  But my rage and anger kept carrying me on, despite that I knew I was getting stares and people were whispering.  People were also looking judgmentally at him, which only fueled me.  

He was trying desperately to get away from me, but I kept up with him, saying that he could run all he wants, but he wouldn't be able to escape the truths he knew I was speaking.  

I don't remember much else, but I think there was a point where I was talking one-on-one with his girlfriend, telling her that she should save herself a fuck ton of heartache and dump him now.  That while he might seem wonderful and loving right now, that shit will fade and he will return to the pattern he always followed. 

I have no idea if this is my brain telling me if I should or should not do the thing.

First day being back: eat Lucky Charms for dinner. 

Because: 1) it was too fucking hot in the kitchen, and 2) I was way too lazy to cook anything. 

Also I said I was going to make a list but I'm not in the mood right now. 

I can't

With these cuties. I can't.

My meeting went well, and I am going to try going the secrecy route in terms of study and shit though I might have trouble gathering data.  So, as a backup in case that is a fatality, basically, I need to come up with related areas of executive-legislative interactions and influences on foreign policy.  Which is my broader area of interest right now (I'm pretty sure I have settled into a niche, finally).  So, I have stuff I need to do this summer.

Session with Nancy was also awesome, and she told me that I looked like a completely different person than I did at the end of the school year.  It was a nice compliment, since I was stressed and sad and angry and all that, and now I'm just much more...relaxed.  At the moment, anyway.  I told her about my thoughts on the ex and our relationship, how I have come to start understanding that, even from the beginning, he was able to manipulate and control me using my own guilt and love for him.  And that that was a huge reason why I crashed as hard as I did when he dumped me.  That I did everything possible, I sacrificed myself essentially, to try and make him happy.  Except he said he wasn't, and then betrayed me and everything he ever told me.  And showed me that I wasn't needed.  He did not need me in his life at all.

I asked her about her thoughts on whether or not I should message him for an in-person confrontation, and together we weighed the pros and cons.  The pros include the fact that I finally could tell him face-to-face what I think of him, and how he fucked me up for a long time, and I could defend myself against all his shit to him.  I can see his reactions, and see how I can handle things, and maybe finally feel like I could close this shit.  Cons include reliving the breakup all over again (and thus losing a lot of fucking progress I've made over the past two years), losing sight of myself upon seeing him (since it has been...a long time), allowing him to manipulate me into thinking that what I have finally come to understand is not true at all, etc., etc.  But no matter what, I do know that what I experienced cannot be taken away, and I'm confident in all of that now.  He will not be able to convince me of things that did not happen or happened differently than I remember.  His bullshit will not take away my truths any fucking more.

It was suggested I sleep on it, because admittedly I am less inclined to the idea after best friend told me her thoughts, which are incredibly important to me.  So I'm going to do that, and I might later write a full thing outlining the pros and cons of asking for a meetup.


I have talked about how I felt about the women in ex's life after me, and how I rushed to poor judgments due to my anger and my jealousy and the desire to be mad at anyone but him.  And even when I recognized he was the root of my depression, I still took things out on the women who were in his life, hating them and being mean, as a defense mechanism.  I said they were crazy, they were weird, they were too into this or that.  It was unfair and juvenile, and I harshly judged two people I knew nothing about, and I hated myself for it.  I did not want to recognize that he was the entire problem, not them.  Not any of them.  They were and are wonderful, and I have come to realize this.  (Luckily, I finally have learned, and I have made no such snap poor judgments of his newest girlfriend.  I just kind of hope he doesn't fucking uproot this poor woman to Cali if he is just going to break up with her in a few months.)

A while ago, I found an ex-girlfriend's tumblr, and I might message her just to tell her that...idk, if she needs to talk about him, she can to me, or something.  It will be fucking weird and out of the blue, I imagine, but having someone do that for me was actually really wonderful.  I slowly began to realize (very slowly, I'll admit) that it was not me, or her.  It was him.  It was always him.  He was always shitty and manipulative, never changing his behaviour even after recognizing that it was terrible.

Maybe she will openly accept my offer, but...I don't know.  Perhaps it will come off too stalker-ish or shit, but...yeah.  I feel this weird need/desire to pay it forward, and offer to talk if she needs to rant or just have someone listen.

...Again, I have no idea if this will be weird as shit.  But now that I have the idea in my head, I think I'll do it.

God, she's probs going to think I'm such a fucking weirdo.

Back in Bing, and I didn't have this overwhelming feeling of dread wash over me immediately so that is good.

My squishables are here, though they accidentally sent two of the wrong ones so I need to email them back and ask them if we could get the right ones (and of course we'll send the incorrect ones back to them).  I'll do that tomorrow.

Two of three roommates are here and two of three animals, so almost a full house!  Murray and last roommate are still away.  Callie was excited to be home though; I think she really missed everyone.

Meeting tomorrow at 10:00.  Which means I should probably get to sleep now.

That moment you see a piece of art on Etsy that you think would look fucking sweet as a watercolour tattoo.

But the art is $95, which you don't want to spend, and you're pretty certain that just using the art without paying is stealing and shit.

...But it looks so coooooool.


(Also I will eventually get tats.  I will.  I just...need money.  And to actually do it without thinking about what others will say.)

Had a good father's day with mi padre, who is as always wonderful and the best dude in my life ever ever ever.  I gave him a Game of Thrones-themed printed-out card from Etsy which he laughed at and enjoyed a whole lot.  I figured he would like that better than the stupid as shit ones I saw in stores.  Seriously I hated all the ones I picked up and looked at.  The internet always does much better.

I did also run out to the outlets with my mom and sister (I think dad liked having the house to himself for a bit too) to get some shit I needed.  Got a new bathing suit with watermelons on it!  I get too excited about watermelons on clothing because when I was younger I made a shirt with a big watermelon on it, with little ants and I wore that shit all the time and it was one of my faves.  So watermelons on clothing still makes me too happy.  Also got new sandals, woo.  Need that shiz for the cruise.

And then we nommed and after restaurant I got all of us ice cream and then watched GoT and then coded for a bit.

So a good day all-in-all.


Still thinking on the thing, but luckily I'll be able to talk with Nancy about it in two days.  (Even if I don't want to go back to Bing yet.  I just have to, really.)


Also figured out my cosplay:

Because fuck the past.  

I don't need an Okabe.

E.A

So best friend got back to me, saying what I thought she would: that an in-person confrontation is not a good idea at all.  That I have had my venting sessions, despite them not being in person.  That I have yelled at him, and he therefore knows that I "think he's shit" and he has moved on.  And that if I feel I need to do this, then I am not completely over it yet, despite my saying otherwise.  She is probably right.

I'm not completely over it.  I'm not, and I try to fool myself into thinking that I am.

I suppose it is difficult to get over someone and a relationship you have had so many different strong feelings for, ranging from complete love to utter hatred.  And in terms of being hurt, I've gone from wondering about what happened, to thinking that everything was my fault, to thinking that he was always just a piece of garbage, back to thinking it was all my fault, that none of this would have happened if I figured out what was wrong...and now to thinking that all he ever did was manipulate my actions by using his emotions and my love for him and my general desire to please others.

Through his manipulation, he took away one of the few characteristics of myself that I had always loved: my independence.

Really part of me says that I should have realized that would happen.  Even in the beginning, if I recall correctly, he somewhat did not enjoy that aspect of mine.  I was too difficult to pursue (when I thought things were going great, he thought things were sinking), and then I was not one who always needed to hang out with him.  At first I did not text him all the time.  I did not always want to hang out with him.  I did not see a desperate need to talk to him every single day.  And after we got together, he was always more distressed about not talking than I was.  Sure, was I sad at times?  Yeah, but not panicked about it.  Whenever I stressed over not talking in the beginning, it was usually due to the fact that I knew he was freaking out about it, and I didn't want to cause him that pain.

As time went on, my sense of independence slowly eroded; what I chose to do depended on how he felt, how I anticipated he would feel, what he wanted to do, etc., etc.  And I did this because the times where I did what I wanted when I was in London were met with tears and sadness and distress on his end and I came to think that me doing these certain things were the source of that pain.  Guilt overtook me, and I began avoiding things I once wanted to do and see because I did not want to make him sad.

But when I could no longer see what I could do to make his sadness go away, I just let him do whatever he pleased.  'Everything will go back to the way it was,' I would say, always hopeful, never realizing that the way it was was never very good either.

Then when he left, I felt like I had no purpose.  My independence had been buried deep under my devotion to him and our relationship, and it felt like it would never resurface, no matter how hard I tried.  I crashed in a way I never thought I would; nothing mattered anymore.  And to see him move on almost immediately just added insult to my injuries.  Basically, he displayed to me that he did not need me.  He did not need me to do things for him.  No matter what, I could not make him happy.  I could be cast aside, and someone new could take my place, and nothing would be different.  In fact, things could be better.  Seeing that destroyed me.  Because I did need him.  My whole identity became attached to him.  He had made sure of that many months earlier.

And for a little bit, every time I tried to break away, he would do or say something to reel me back in to him, just as he had always done (and also what he said he didn't want to do anymore).  He would, admittedly, say that we should stop talking, but then would always add that he did not want that at all.  I was so conditioned to doing what he wanted, that not talking just did not seem like an option for a while.  And then when I started wanting to take it, he would lie or message me or cry or whatever.  He would manipulate me - as he had always done - into getting what he wanted.  And when I pushed back sometimes, calling him out on things, he would either call me irrational, selfish, or something of the like, making me think that is exactly what I was, and therefore I deserved everything that was happening.

Perhaps all of this also highlights a reason why he started taking longer and longer to email me back during our very long chain last year.  Not only was he probably meeting another girl by that time (idk I'm just guessing because whenever he says he can't do a relationship anymore, it takes him like...3 months it seems to get a new one going, so lawlz), but my demeanor had changed.  Unlike the past me, I pointed out contradictions and lies - not always in the most polite manner - refusing to back down when he would try to tell me that I was wrong.  And I stand by all those things I pointed out.  I was harder to manipulate.

Having to think about all this and fully realize the extent of his emotional manipulation has stretched out this healing process.  Unlike him, who could just cast me aside and move on to the next girl he would so cruelly use, I shattered, had to rethink my identity multiple times, and slowly start trying to build it again, oftentimes demolishing it right after starting.

So, yeah, I'm not completely over it.  I guess one doesn't easily get over something like this.  It also doesn't help that I do become bitter at the fact that he has had three girlfriends (well...two official and one nonofficial) since me.  A little over two years.  Meanwhile, I have spent that time trying to figure out who I am without him.

I do hope he treats the new people in his life better than he treated me.

Oh shit guess who got her hair cut and in a somewhat different way than usual. That's right, this chick right here.

I have a lot of stupid feels tonight.

Also I should be asleep?

...I hope I did not upset her with my question.

I'm sorry sweetie.

Please don't be mad at me.

I really could use your advice right now.

I'm sorry I have trouble letting things go.

And stupid shit remains in my head.

And the idea of confronting it head-on has been on my mind.

That confrontation is the only thing which will bring closure.

You've always been my rock.

Please don't be mad at me for this, I beg you.

Please don't leave me alone.

I really ought to get my hair cut tomorrow.  I keep telling myself that I want to do something dramatically different with it, specifically I've been thinking about the shaved-side look, like what Natalie Dormer has now.  It just looks awesome and shit; my sister said she thought that style would look awesome on me.  But I'm not sure, and I'm not one to make huge differences like that without very serious thought first.  Hell, I haven't even gotten the tattoo that I want because I still am scared - I suppose - of doing something like that, which would be different.

I don't know why I'm so afraid of doing things I want that are different; I'm still afraid of doing something that would garner someone's disapproval.  Really, I should add an asterisk to that: I am talking right now about family, mostly.  Parents.  I get really disheartened when I do something spontaneous that they do not like.


Still haven't gotten a response from best friend, so I am thinking that she thinks it is a terrible terrible idea.  I do not blame her for that at all.  It very well might be.  And I'm still just getting opinions.

Her silence is making me rethink some things though?  I don't know.  I'll be able to talk to Nancy on Tuesday.


I'm getting disheartened with the idea that my coding is not going very quickly.  I actually said to my mother that I was afraid of my prof regretting putting me on the project.  Although she replied that he would never ever ever regret doing that, I still wasn't sure.  I feel as though I have not been very productive, even when I'm coding for hours.  My meticulousness is hindering me a lot, since I probably spend way too much time trying to figure out the exact details.

Also I am returning to Binghamton on Monday and I'm not exactly excited about that.  But maybe I can start doing things other than sitting around.  Maybe I can go to Syracuse, or Ithaca, or Pennsylvania.  Or somewhere else, maybe.


...I'm not feeling too good tonight, for some reason.  

I don't know if it is because of the thing and lack of response, or idea of going back already, or worrying about coding, or what.  But I just don't feel well; I have some sad.

Opted to not code today for some reason.  I guess I wanted a day off after spending most of yesterday doing that.  I did elect to read a decent amount in A Clash of Kings, because I unfortunately have not been able to get through it as fast due to coding stuff.  I will make sure I get to it tomorrow.  Gotta get through another country, and I think I did my two easiest first.  I'm looking to save South Africa for last, simply because out of the countries I have, it will probably be the one which will be the most troublesome for me.  Then again, maybe not.  Maybe one of the others will surprise me.


I spoke with two out of three people I messaged about the thing and they both pretty much said that if I thought it would help bring closure/be therapeutic, then go for it.  One mentioned possibly writing a hand-written letter if I could not deal with in-person.  Though I doubt that would get to its intended destination.

The third person is my best friend from forever, and the one who watched the crash and the effects of shit and just how far and hard I fell.  Hers is the opinion I want the most aside from Nancy, and it might very well be that ignoring things and just letting it be and allowing everything to suffer a slow and painful death in my mind is better than rehashing things.  A confrontation sounds good right now to me, but will it be the same tomorrow, or the next day?

She is probably the one who will tell me it is not a good idea, given my history when I confronted in the past.  While I sat there listening to lie after lie, making terrible decisions based on love and trust when I really ought to have been filled with hate and suspicion, she knew everything.  She saw through everything, and developed a loathing for him while I stayed blind.  Every time I told her a story or showed her the texts, she knew when the sweetness covered filthy lies and when the anger and hurt were being used to manipulate me.  It was her I called while crying after something happened.  She endured my panic attack after he emailed me last year.  She was the one I called when he told me how he wanted to live abroad and possibly adopt kids, causing me to scream and curse his name for bringing that up to me of all people, who wanted those things in my future.  And she is also one of the many people who recognized how he was destroying me far before things ended.  She hated him and distrusted him for me, when I should have been doing that.  It took me too long to realize that she (and others, to be fair) was right all along.

So far her silence on the issue has me worried that she thinks I am being an idiot even considering this (then again, it could also be due to her work and stuff).  If she does, I will weigh that heavily, more heavily than the other two, because she has never led me astray before.  (Hell, even when I wanted to surprise visit while we were on our way to Pittsburgh, she gave me a look and tried to convince me not to.  And then when I did it anyway and saw him, she caught the big lie immediately.  And then when I read his later texts about how it was so good of me to stop by and he was so happy to see me and he wished I could have stayed longer, etc., etc....she was the one who called that all out for what it was: a huge fucking pile of bullshit.)

I regret not listening to her more.  Really, I do.

Coding all day.

Thinking about doing the thing.

First gonna ask people about doing the thing, though.

Because it might actually not be a good idea?

But at the same time it might allow me to confront and stuff in person.

And for a while I've been thinking that I need that or at least am ready to do it.

Not that I even really know if the invitation would be...received well.

But if I wanted, I'd need to do it fast.

...

Why are the two people I really really want to talk to about this not online.

Every time I watch Parks and Recreation I get a little sad that Ben Wyatt doesn't exist in real life.

Because he is essentially everything I want in a significant other and that sometimes makes me sad.

...

Gotta start coding.

Also I'm still tired.  Callie's zoomies this morning fucked up my sleep.

Callie actually woke me up this morning, which is rare.  She usually leaves me alone until I get up on my own.

So I'm tired.

But she was fucking nuts before, running around and going crazy wanting to play.  So I got up and played with her and it was fun.  Now I think I might go back to sleep because it is still too early for me.

Meeting at 11:30 via Skype.

Subconscious

Today has been...weird.  In terms of feels.

I haven't been able to really focus on anything.  Coding has been almost impossible for some reason, and my stomach has felt weird.  Despite the fact that my appetite was nonexistent, I at least ate some watermelon during the day, and then I had some food at dinner, though it was reluctant at best.  I just kind of was going through motions and kept putting rice in my mouth because I knew that I had put so little in me throughout the day.

Really, I guess it isn't weird, since it has been normal in the past.  It just hasn't happened all that much within the past few weeks since I've been home.


This whole idea of an in-person confrontation and closure has been nagging at me, probably because the window is closing fast.  Not that my thinking about it will make it happen or anything, as it is just a thought.

Maybe the things I wrote about yesterday screwed me up more than usual.  Writing things down in a way that pins even what I thought was the perfect beginning of what we had has hit me weird.  I don't know.  I know I have continually written about things in an effort to examine the thoughts in my head and to try and see what went wrong.  I have gone from wondering what else I could have done to realizing - with a hopeless melancholy - that there was nothing I could have done.

That hopelessness has consumed me for years.  Even before he and I met.  And he crafted our relationship in a way where I became an extension of him.  I lost my identity as an individual.  While I had it in the beginning, it faded more and more until I became someone who existed only for him, I felt.  Before him, I did not like people who spent all their time fostering their relationship and staying only with their significant others.  Yet as I did more and more for him to try and make him happy, I lost more and more of myself.  When he ended things, all I identified myself as for the time I was with him crumbled, and I felt like I had no purpose.  The love of my family and friends...it did not mean much to me, because I did not really exist if he was not with me.

Of course, this was all subconscious.

In a way, I should be somewhat grateful that he noticed this at least.  It was a little late in the game when he did, and I would still maintain it was also because I just couldn't help him anymore.  But he did admit when he broke up with me that he was sucking the life out of me and taking advantage of me and all that I was doing for him.  I couldn't see it that way for a very long time, because that was my identified purpose (again, subconsciously).  But...he also continued to do exactly what he said he hated.

As I scrambled, trying to figure out what to do with myself, I expressed my feelings and emotions to him, often angrily or through despair.  But many of my points were valid.  Not all, I will admit, but many were.  In response to my saying I felt betrayed, I was told that I was being illogical and selfish.  I was told that I was reneging on an agreement when I talked about the money he still owed my father, telling me that we said that I would pay that, when I never recalled making that agreement.  When I finally made the decision to stop talking - as he repeatedly told me to do - it did not take long for him to send me a message saying that he missed me.  Then came the multitude of empty promises which he dismissed as unimportant upon breaking them.  And so many things were said that were romantic-sounding, which my friends and family believed were words to keep me attached so I would not leave.  On one hand he would tell me that we were not going to get back together, and on another he would tell me how special I was and how he missed me so much, and the prospect of seeing me made him so excited that his heart was beating out of his chest (or some similar wording).  Two different messages, I was getting, and it was obvious which one I was going to listen to.  Manipulation still happened.

So all that he claimed he wanted to stop doing when we were together he continued to do after he broke up with me.  Only now he had less of a reason to care about my mental and physical state.  Even though he eventually recognized what he was doing to me while we were together, he apparently forgot everything by the end of that breakup conversation.

As I became more and more of a burden, wanting to talk about my feelings - which he said he would always listen to, no matter what - he became less available, and very impatient.  Which is why I constantly doubted my worth and my importance.  Well...one of the reasons, anyway, since I always did that even without his help.  He just continued to exacerbate an already existing problem.

Maybe I am also seriously thinking about all this again because of information I found, and what that all means.


(...There probably will be more on this, because I'm a loser.) 

While I have a ton of things I've been thinking about and probably should not be thinking about, I am more than a little flabbergasted at the news that one of my ex-cohortmates is now a father.  And unfortunately for that child, he is the one who never took anything seriously, came into class drunk and high all the time (even if it was a 9 am class), and never knew what the fuck was going on. 

It is just bizarre that he will now be taking care of a child.  I mean, I'm sure the baby was unplanned but...still.  I'm just wondering how that is going to even work. 

I have been distracted all day thanks to coding.  Madagascar has been taking more time than I had hoped, but there was almost a civil war and then some other shit kept happening over some years and I had to run back and forth between a lot of articles and it ended up taking longer than I wanted.  I would say that I get too nitpicky, but...if this dataset is going to be used in the future, shouldn't I be doing exactly as I am, even if it does take a little more time?  

Unfortunately, the time I wasn't distracted was spent thinking about the past.  Specifically, a lot of my thoughts today rested on London, and what happened when I was over there.  I have always maintained that London was my greatest (and most foolish) sacrifice, but usually I am referring to how I chose to not apply to schools over there because, frankly, it would make him sad.  But - and I believe I have mentioned this but it usually takes a backseat to the grad school thing - I sacrificed while I was over there too, really.  I was so thoroughly manipulated that I didn't even see it at the time.  Looking back, I understood why people would sigh or roll their eyes when I would say that I needed to be available on Skype for him.  Because if I wasn't, he would be sad.  I needed to text him while I was in Rome.  In all honesty, I didn't think that it would be that big of a deal, not talking for a few days.  Not because I didn't want to, but because I was doing something and then could have all sorts of stories upon my return to my laptop.  But met with tears and crying and everything, I decided to text as much as possible (I don't remember if I called when I was over), even though doing so from Rome was more expensive (for both of us, really).  

When I met a guy in Hyde Park, I had zero intention of getting with him in any way.  I had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend (if I recall correctly), and we were talking about stuff after meeting in the park randomly.  It was fun, meeting someone new.  Meeting a new friend.  But when ex freaked out because of it, I stopped talking to the guy.  He would ask me to go out with him and his friends, and for me to bring my friends, and I would tell him I was busy, until I just stopped replying altogether.  Admittedly, I did not tell ex immediately that I met this guy, but it wasn't out of this weird desire to keep it secret, I guess.  I was afraid he was going to get angry.  And I was right. 

After I would go out to a pub or try to go out somewhere else with friends, ex would tell me how it made him feel sad and worried because he wasn't there to 'protect me,' essentially.  Despite that I can take care of myself and I had friends with me, it didn't matter.  He wasn't there, and so he made me feel guilty for going out, essentially.  The amount of times I did go get drinks after that dropped significantly. 

When I said I was going to Amsterdam, and vaguely mentioned that I might try marijuana while I was there, he freaked out once again.  Basically, he told me that he didn't think I would do that stuff, and again said all these things about not being around to protect me (this conversation is quite darkly hilarious to me now, given the things I know he has tried and done), and made me feel absolutely guilty for even thinking about it, despite that I was on the fence.  Then, he made me promise him that I wouldn't.  

I had been waiting on an internship for months, and when I finally got it (or was close to getting it, I don't remember), I was so excited.  The only thing was that if I wanted to stay for it, I would need to stay an extra few weeks.  Now, originally I wanted to be back for UC's graduation, but I realized I would need to debate this, because I definitely would need to return for the beginning of Summer Fellows.  Upon expressing this to ex, he panicked, basically.  Telling me that he couldn't wait another two weeks.  That he needed to see me, and that he couldn't deal with being apart any longer.  There was no congratulations.  No happiness for me finally getting something I have been trying to get.  No.  It was all about him.  As our relationship often was.  All about him.  Safe to say I left at the original time I planned, early enough for him to be happy.  And while I wanted to see him so badly...I also did not want to leave London.  I loved London.  I cried when I was on the plane to return to the United States.  Part of me didn't want that plane to take off. 

My own problems and emotions and inexperience in relationships allowed me to be manipulated so easily.  No one has ever been able to walk all over me the way he was able to, and these examples are from when we were an ocean apart.  I was so in love that I refused to see all of these things as manipulation.  To me, he was just sad, and I needed to do all I could to make him happy.  So I tried to do just that, even if it meant sacrificing things I wanted.  

Really, it set the tone for our relationship. 

And my return was not better.  It was around two months later when I mentioned my plans to possibly apply to grad schools in London.  Basically, he responded to that with a hanging threat over everything we had.  That if I went, he wouldn't be able to continue.  He used my love for him, and took our relationship hostage.  Which was a main reason I chose not to go. 

I could go on and on and on.  And perhaps another entry will go through more, even though I have described many of these things in past entries. 

After we broke up, more than a few people told me that while we were together they thought he was emotionally abusive towards me.  They recognized things I did not want to see, and afterward, these people also saw the lies I did not want to acknowledge.  

I was a fool, really.  I was in love.  I did not want to believe any of that.  He was just sad.  He had problems.  I could help him, I thought.  If I let him do what he wanted all the time and never bothered him about things, then maybe he'll be okay.  I won't leave, like others have done to him.  I'll stay, and I'll keep trying.  He said he loved me.  He said he wanted to be with me and only me forever.  That he wanted nothing more than to keep seeing me.  And those words I believed, even though they were venomous lies (I don't know why I'm so fond of the poison metaphor lately).  None of it was true, I came to very slowly realize.  I was not his favourite.  I doubt I was the "only person he cared about."  And he probably has told others that the strongest connection he has ever had was to them, as he told me.  

"I love you so much that it made me realize I was not in love before I met you."  That line probably was also reused.  It is a good one, I'll admit.  It made me misty-eyed.  I'm sure it made everyone else like that too.  

Why do I bring all this up again at times?  These very specific details about various aspects of our relationship?  Well, when I find that I am sad about him being with someone else or him being with yet another person while I have been single since him...I need to reiterate these things to myself.  I need to ignore the rose-tinted glasses, and step back and see things for as they were.  I was easily manipulated.  There is no getting around that.  I did not love myself, and so everything I wanted was second to things he wanted to do.  

I'm trying to walk down this road of self-acceptance and self-love, which I often stumble on and often veer from.  I cannot do that with sad nostalgic thoughts in my head.  I do not want that relationship again.  

Sometimes, I need to remind myself of that.  Because I often forget.     

You know nothing, Jon Snow

Title is somewhat relevant to personal stuff and is also a homage to one of my girls on GoT.


That emotionless feeling has washed over me again.  It is a dangerous thing, as it fuels the mental battle that goes on in my head, usually bolstering the darker side that reminds me that even though I have been feeling better in the past few days...I am still weak and pathetic.  While the phrase 'healing has no timeline' has been repeated over and over in my head, its power seems lost at the moment, and it seems to wane every day.

No one story makes sense to me, and none of my own reactions have been consistent because of it.  I waver between a multitude of different explanations, and what they all mean.  A few days ago, I posted something about confusing depression with a lack of love.

And I have returned to thinking that love was never there to begin with, at least on one side.

The score is three to zero.  Truthfully, that does not surprise me.  It is easier for him, I suppose.  Easier to feel that connection.  Harder to keep it going, but easier to ignite.  It appears the opposite with me.  Incredibly difficult to ignite, and able and willing to keep it going once it is lit.

I should not compare numbers the way that I am.  I know I shouldn't, because this is not a game of quantities.  People are not numbers.  Yet I find I cannot help myself.  The zero on my side is admittedly my own fault, for retreating behind my walls.  But I also feel nothing, and then when I tried to, everything came crumbling down.

Love.  It makes people stupid.  Or at least, it made me stupid.  Stupid and blind with the belief that those who loved me would be honest when they said that.  That people who claimed they never wanted to hurt me would actually try to keep that promise.  But I was wrong.

(Heh, I definitely would belong to House Stark.  ...And also because of the direwolves, of course.)

I was never truly loved.  Not really.

I believed things that were never true.  I gave things up and never received anything.  I tried to be patient and understanding and loyal and was betrayed and forgotten.  I am stuck while he has long since moved on.

And I never mattered.

And I don't.

...And that's okay, I suppose.

Heh, I really did know nothing, did I?

I still don't.

Got involved in a gun control debate on facebook to distract me from feels and shit.

Done with that, because people can't debate with actual fucking stats for some reason.

Now gonna workout to the Menzingers to try and continue to avoid my own thoughts.

Which might have a post later I don't know.

Luckily also Game of Thrones is on tonight.


...Am I just fooling myself about being better, if this is the reaction still?

Granted, I'm not crying or anything.

But since indifference wasn't the reaction, I am still bothered.

Since I even found it is even scarier, actually.

I'm scary.

In a 'I still need help' way.

...I am fond of a lack of paragraphs today.

idk why this is in poem format

Sigh.

I hate finding things out.

Derp derp.

Blowing through girlfriends.

Moving in with one.

Still makes me feel clammy.

Because I suck.

Also I need to stop looking.

And just be happy.

That I didn't fall into that.

But whatever.

West coast is far from here.

And far from me.

Maybe by being so far away.

I'll be able to forget.

And finally put the past behind.

Because the past isn't worth my thoughts.

He isn't worth my time.

Or my hatred.

Or my love.

I hate that days go by where memories remain.

I hate that days go by where I think of reconciliation.

I hate that I still have yet to have a connection as strong.

When he has had three since.

Forget him.

Forget his lies, because that is all he ever told you.

Except maybe one time, when he said that he didn't love you.

Because judging from everything...

That is the only thing that has ever seemed true.

What I did meant nothing.

How I felt meant nothing.

I am nothing to him.

He unfortunately is still not nothing to me.

Despite that it has been years.

And all I want is to stop.

Forget about his face.

Forget about the sweet words which were poison.

And the promises which were lies.

I suppose you never forget your first.

Though it is the first I wish I never had.

I started A Clash of Kings, but I didn't get very far into it before I decided that I should continue coding, which takes a long time for me right now.  I am hoping that I can get faster, but I did at least finish Lesotho tonight.  Finally, I can move on to another country.  Madagascar should be the next; I actually did start it but hit a problem around 2002-2003, and then stopped to get an answer to a vital question.  Got the answer, so I can go back to that.  Not gonna lie, I am delaying South Africa because I know that shit is going to be a lot and I want to get better at weeding through the articles before I go there.  Lesotho was a good place to start, and hopefully Madagascar will keep that trend so I can figure out how to do things before I hit the big places.


While I know that my parents support me and everything, I do get self-conscious about letting them know a lot of stuff, and I don't like the looks I sometimes get when I talk about my meds.  Apparently, they did not know I was on two different prescriptions, and my mom started asking what the second one was for.  However, the way she asked was...somewhat judgmental.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it.  And then my dad asked at dinner if my doctor examines me before he writes the scripts and I had to outline how many times I see him when I'm on campus.  Once a week with Nancy, and once every two weeks or so with him.  I tried to not think about it too much, but it does sometimes bother me.

But I have still been in my decent mood overall, at least.  Truthfully it has diminished a little, but not too much for it to be worrisome right now.  Again, I really do think that getting sucked into Game of Thrones/ASoIaF has helped, as nerdy as that sounds.  A fantasy world I can escape to and become absorbed in whenever I am starting to feel sad or starting to think about past things or starting to worry about future and lamenting about romance failures and stuff...it is kind of awesome.

The coding also distracts my mind, but I become more blank and mindless when I do that.  Emotionally, I mean.  I'm focused on the task at hand but I don't feel emotionally engaged at all.  It is different when I read these books.

I'm being nerdy, don't mind me.

I realized too late that today was National Doughnut Day and I did not get my free doughnut (with purchase) from DD.  Sadface.  Oh well.  I did eat a doughnut earlier today, one that was in my house, so at least I celebrated in that regard.


Today was filled with a ton of coding (though I still did not get as many actual cases done as I originally had hoped) and then I made sure I did day 2 of my 30-day challenges.  I did not get to watch any of season 2 of Orange is the New Black, but I was waiting for my mom and sister so I didn't want to get started without them.

I was/am still feeling kind of weird today but I did get meds refilled so hopefully tomorrow will be better because I'll take stuff that I should have been taking and haven't been because I suck.


...Eh.  I'm actually not in a very sharing mood right now.  Even to blog.

I decided to forgo any coding today in favour of reading A Game of Thrones, which I am almost done with.  Maybe I will stay up and finish the last few chapters I have left; I've been going to bed rather late anyway, so it isn't like I would be struggling against sleep while I read.  Tomorrow, though, I ought to make up for the lack of coding I did today (and yesterday, really).  I'll have to resist the urge to start A Clash of Kings, even though basically all I want to do is read these books.  I've become immersed in this world, actually, and I love it.  It has been a while since something like that has happened.  With a fantasy world, I mean.  Knowing the Houses and the lore and everything...both the books and television series have sucked me in.  And I like - despite that it is also very sad - that it portrays that those who are honourable and honest do not always win in dangerous games (sob House Stark...though you will always be my favourite).  That justice is not always done.  It is reality, in a way.  Sad, but true.  And yet, I still find myself rooting for those who are good, rather than those who are well-versed in playing the game.  Probably, I am setting myself up to be hurt, since I do get attached to characters, regardless if they are fictional.  Not surprising.

Also, I did start that 30-day challenge thing.  Well...six of them, actually.  I felt like doing one was too little, and then I started another...and then another...and so on.  At some point I will regret that decision, but I hope I can work through shit and just do them.  I also wanted to pick more up because I'm in a very anti-cardio sort of mode, and I figured to make up for that I can do more of this strength training stuff.  I'm not sure; I just right now would rather feel the ache of muscles being worked rather than breathing hard from running or sprinting.  Maybe eventually I will get back into the cardio mood, but now is not that time, and since I have not really done workouts for over a year due to reasons...I figure starting with something I really do not want to do is just a easy way to guarantee that I'll stop soon after beginning.

...I've been out of one of my medications for I think three days tomorrow.  Really, I should make sure I go fix that.


Still thinking about the usual stuff too, I suppose.

I...I feel weird.

Maybe it is because I am thinking about things I should not be, which is still unfortunately common.  Or perhaps it is because I started reading things from the past that I should have sealed away somehow.  Or it might even be those continued hypothetical events that continue to play throughout my mind.  Telling me to do things, to close things.

Although I have been feeling less terrible in the few weeks I've been home, I know that the part of me that is still sad remains locked up inside.  And it screams at me sometimes, arguing with the rest of me about what I should do and who I am and who others are and all that.  The part that still looks at my past and says that I was and will never be good enough for the love and friendships I desire.  That I should continue to not try, continue to keep to myself, because that is what is going to happen.  Trust no one outside your family and those closest friends who have established they would do anything for you.

Truthfully, I remain isolated.  I do not seek out people, but rather confine myself to those I know already (but just barely, even), and to my family.  I find more comfort in animals than I do in people, that much remains true.

I guess I still do not trust people enough to get close to them.  I don't want to.  I don't want to get close (or even make the effort, really) and then they do something that hurts.

Then again, at the same time I want that closeness.  I do not feel a desperate need of it anymore, but I will not deny that I feel jealous at times.  To have someone close to you, who will cuddle with you and share their secrets and allow you to share yours...who will kiss you and embrace you and make you laugh even when you are sad.  Who will take care of you when you are sick, even if all they can do is drive you to a doctor, or buy you ice cream and medicine, or put a cold cloth on your head if you are too warm...

Really, I do not deserve to have that, I don't think.  I don't want to get close, and...I guess I want the closeness to come to me.  I want the connection to find me.  But that is...unlikely, given how closed off I am.


...Like I said, I feel weird right now.

I know I should start working out again, since I feel like...I actually might be able to?  I know I've said plenty of times that I would, but I never really felt like I could.  It just seemed like way too much effort and much too terrible to do, despite that I missed physical activity.

Honestly, I really just don't want to start with running.

So, since I am a year+ out of shape, I started looking at those 30 day fitness challenges.  They don't seem as intense as something like Insanity, which used to be my go-to.  However, I don't think I'm in decent enough shape to be able to start Insanity right now.  And it takes a long time, especially starting with month 2, and I am kind of in this mode where I want to do a little at a time and build up.  So maybe the 30 day things won't be so bad...you know, if I actually keep up with it.


...I should probably have dinner now, shouldn't I?

Safe

This little guy is now safe at an emergency animal hospital which works with a wildlife sanctuary. They are 24 hours so I went and brought him there since they could keep him warm and make sure he is okay and stuff. They said that they will take x-rays of his broken wing and then take care of him and he will go to the wildlife specialist who will determine what is best!

I'm glad I got to him before a car or something that would hurt him did.

Birdy

So I found this little guy in the middle of the street, and once he did not fly away from Callie, I knew something was wrong. It looks like his wing is broken. I don't know right now how to help, but I will try. I couldn't leave him out there to get run over or anything.