I finally went and got my Xanax prescription filled but I've yet to try one to see its effect on me.  I was going to do it today after agility class but I told myself that I was going to do work and then I ended up not doing work because I'm pathetic as fuck and just couldn't muster up the motivation.

Emotions have been weird lately.  I constantly feel as though I'm in a daze when I'm not talking to someone.  Like...even tonight, I was sitting around and I kept saying I had more time without realizing the hours were just passing by.  Another evening wasted and nothing got done.  I can't even really motivate myself to care, really.  I guess I'm shutting down again.

The thing that started to get me angry was having to hear about the shit that roommate B's now ex-girlfriend is doing to him.  I'm talking the one he just met and then, after realizing how fucking terrible she was acting within only three weeks of dating, dumped her.  Now, you would think that a 30 year old woman who is a police officer would handle that maturely enough, considering, again, they barely knew each other for a month.  Nope.  Instead she's been all over social media passive aggressively talking shit about him, and despite him telling her multiple times to stop texting him, she keeps going.  For days now.  And she brought up his other ex and said basically something along the lines of him deserving the shit he got from her, and how terrible and mean he is and all that stuff. All the while she is texting people from our department that she met and asking them to meet up and crying to them and roommate J (who I fucking want gone) has been successfully manipulated, apparently.

And I don't know what it is exactly.  My feeling of wanting to protect one of the only friends I have up here, or my lack of emotions lately which is causing me to tell him to respond with nasty shit.  When she went into self-depreciation mode and roommate said he felt bad for her, I got frustrated, in a way.  Although I could - in theory - understand it, because I have also had sympathy and stuff for people who at the time were being terrible to me, the emotional memory (if that makes sense) was gone.  I couldn't imagine in any universe feeling bad for this person.  And maybe it is different, because I was not emotionally invested in her.

But while roommates B and C both are a bit worried that she is going to do something (she's a PO, an MMA fighter, etc., etc.), I'm kind of in a "let her fucking try" mode.  Whereas they both seem, in a subdued way I suppose, a bit scared or something, I just...am not.  I don't care if she is a PO or if she has that fighting experience.  I just feel nothing.

It's kind of how Hyperbole and a Half put it:

And that makes me think I am, again as the comic puts it, invincible, in a way.  

Perhaps my lack of emotions is better perceived as a narrower range of them, most of the time.  I know I constantly say that I am emotionless lately, and I want to say that seems true 90% or so of the time I'm awake.  Even my thinking about ex and trying to muster up something about that didn't really help.  For some reason I started thinking about whether or not I could salvage any good memories from my relationship with him and...I can't.  Every possible good memory is tainted with doubts and questions and the acknowledgement of lies and all that.  Normally, I would think that this would make me at least a little sad or angry or something but it was more just...nothing.  It seemed more like a statement of fact to me, not something that maybe is bigger than I'm making it out to be.  (This might get its own entry at some point idefk.)

Perhaps it is more that my range of emotions has become extremely narrow again, except under some circumstances.  I felt okay at my parents', like things weren't completely terrible.  But being back in Binghamton and again just being constantly reminded that things aren't going to get better...it just kind of sucks.

Really, I should think about if this is what I want to do.  But I don't know what else I'd be happy doing.  And knowing me, I'd be okay for a bit, and then I'd return back to this status quo I seem to have settled in.


I might join the gym tomorrow.