Had another medical doctor appointment today to discuss medication-type things.  I talked about how I'm kind of just stuck in this 'meh' mood about everything.  That my emotions have become less volatile again but they are not exactly good.  And that any great level of excitement, for example, is foreign to me.  Not the "oh man I'm excite" stuff that I talk about online and I know am I excited for.  I'm talking like...the type of excitement where you can't keep still and your heart races from adrenaline and you can't stop yourself from physically smiling because you are pumped.  That level of excitement is something I haven't felt in a long time.

My doctor told me, after I discussed also how I tend to dwell on things too much, including little things that my mind blows up into these huge ordeals, that he imagines I am a great storyteller.  To myself, that is.  That people have stories for interactions which causes them to infer things that were not actually happening.  He said he imagines that my ability to process things and think quickly is probably higher than others, which can lead to me having these paranoia-filled and elaborate explanations for something very simple.

But I'm sticking with the three things I'm on now and hopefully it will get better?  It is kind of difficult sometimes given my bleak outlook on things and the stressful environment I need to try and handle.


The ex's best undergrad friend (who really is my friend too so I guess I'll just call him friend S from now on idk) and I have been chatting more and it has been nice, just to have someone else to talk to who is in a grad program from another place and stuff.  I started thinking about how he and I never talk or talked about my ex; I never wanted to get him involved because I always felt as though his loyalty lied with the ex rather than me, so I didn't want to accidentally sever the friendship I felt that he and I had.  So it is nice that he still likes talking to me and meeting up with me at Otakon and always tells me that I should go down to Philly so he and his girlfriend could hang out with me, stuff like that.  Sometimes, though, I find myself curious about his opinions on the matter, but I would not bring it up to him.  Especially not now, after all this time.  


I said previously that I wanted to dedicate some time to talking about my thinking about how I can keep no good memories from my past relationship.  More because if I don't I think I'll keep dwelling on it more and more and it will fester in my head and just become a deadlier poison that kills my productivity and motivation.  I'll force myself to mentally committing to making that my next entry...which sometimes works but sometimes doesn't.  The only reason I don't want to do it right now is because of mental exhaustion and a very early TA meeting tomorrow morning.