Took two xanax and now things seem weird. Like everything had slowed down. Or maybe just me? And my head feels heavy.  Wheeee

Had another medical doctor appointment today to discuss medication-type things.  I talked about how I'm kind of just stuck in this 'meh' mood about everything.  That my emotions have become less volatile again but they are not exactly good.  And that any great level of excitement, for example, is foreign to me.  Not the "oh man I'm excite" stuff that I talk about online and I know am I excited for.  I'm talking like...the type of excitement where you can't keep still and your heart races from adrenaline and you can't stop yourself from physically smiling because you are pumped.  That level of excitement is something I haven't felt in a long time.

My doctor told me, after I discussed also how I tend to dwell on things too much, including little things that my mind blows up into these huge ordeals, that he imagines I am a great storyteller.  To myself, that is.  That people have stories for interactions which causes them to infer things that were not actually happening.  He said he imagines that my ability to process things and think quickly is probably higher than others, which can lead to me having these paranoia-filled and elaborate explanations for something very simple.

But I'm sticking with the three things I'm on now and hopefully it will get better?  It is kind of difficult sometimes given my bleak outlook on things and the stressful environment I need to try and handle.


The ex's best undergrad friend (who really is my friend too so I guess I'll just call him friend S from now on idk) and I have been chatting more and it has been nice, just to have someone else to talk to who is in a grad program from another place and stuff.  I started thinking about how he and I never talk or talked about my ex; I never wanted to get him involved because I always felt as though his loyalty lied with the ex rather than me, so I didn't want to accidentally sever the friendship I felt that he and I had.  So it is nice that he still likes talking to me and meeting up with me at Otakon and always tells me that I should go down to Philly so he and his girlfriend could hang out with me, stuff like that.  Sometimes, though, I find myself curious about his opinions on the matter, but I would not bring it up to him.  Especially not now, after all this time.  


I said previously that I wanted to dedicate some time to talking about my thinking about how I can keep no good memories from my past relationship.  More because if I don't I think I'll keep dwelling on it more and more and it will fester in my head and just become a deadlier poison that kills my productivity and motivation.  I'll force myself to mentally committing to making that my next entry...which sometimes works but sometimes doesn't.  The only reason I don't want to do it right now is because of mental exhaustion and a very early TA meeting tomorrow morning.

I have many things to do but I just got this and wahhhh I wanna read ittttt.

I finally went and got my Xanax prescription filled but I've yet to try one to see its effect on me.  I was going to do it today after agility class but I told myself that I was going to do work and then I ended up not doing work because I'm pathetic as fuck and just couldn't muster up the motivation.

Emotions have been weird lately.  I constantly feel as though I'm in a daze when I'm not talking to someone.  Like...even tonight, I was sitting around and I kept saying I had more time without realizing the hours were just passing by.  Another evening wasted and nothing got done.  I can't even really motivate myself to care, really.  I guess I'm shutting down again.

The thing that started to get me angry was having to hear about the shit that roommate B's now ex-girlfriend is doing to him.  I'm talking the one he just met and then, after realizing how fucking terrible she was acting within only three weeks of dating, dumped her.  Now, you would think that a 30 year old woman who is a police officer would handle that maturely enough, considering, again, they barely knew each other for a month.  Nope.  Instead she's been all over social media passive aggressively talking shit about him, and despite him telling her multiple times to stop texting him, she keeps going.  For days now.  And she brought up his other ex and said basically something along the lines of him deserving the shit he got from her, and how terrible and mean he is and all that stuff. All the while she is texting people from our department that she met and asking them to meet up and crying to them and roommate J (who I fucking want gone) has been successfully manipulated, apparently.

And I don't know what it is exactly.  My feeling of wanting to protect one of the only friends I have up here, or my lack of emotions lately which is causing me to tell him to respond with nasty shit.  When she went into self-depreciation mode and roommate said he felt bad for her, I got frustrated, in a way.  Although I could - in theory - understand it, because I have also had sympathy and stuff for people who at the time were being terrible to me, the emotional memory (if that makes sense) was gone.  I couldn't imagine in any universe feeling bad for this person.  And maybe it is different, because I was not emotionally invested in her.

But while roommates B and C both are a bit worried that she is going to do something (she's a PO, an MMA fighter, etc., etc.), I'm kind of in a "let her fucking try" mode.  Whereas they both seem, in a subdued way I suppose, a bit scared or something, I just...am not.  I don't care if she is a PO or if she has that fighting experience.  I just feel nothing.

It's kind of how Hyperbole and a Half put it:

And that makes me think I am, again as the comic puts it, invincible, in a way.  

Perhaps my lack of emotions is better perceived as a narrower range of them, most of the time.  I know I constantly say that I am emotionless lately, and I want to say that seems true 90% or so of the time I'm awake.  Even my thinking about ex and trying to muster up something about that didn't really help.  For some reason I started thinking about whether or not I could salvage any good memories from my relationship with him and...I can't.  Every possible good memory is tainted with doubts and questions and the acknowledgement of lies and all that.  Normally, I would think that this would make me at least a little sad or angry or something but it was more just...nothing.  It seemed more like a statement of fact to me, not something that maybe is bigger than I'm making it out to be.  (This might get its own entry at some point idefk.)

Perhaps it is more that my range of emotions has become extremely narrow again, except under some circumstances.  I felt okay at my parents', like things weren't completely terrible.  But being back in Binghamton and again just being constantly reminded that things aren't going to get better...it just kind of sucks.

Really, I should think about if this is what I want to do.  But I don't know what else I'd be happy doing.  And knowing me, I'd be okay for a bit, and then I'd return back to this status quo I seem to have settled in.


I might join the gym tomorrow.

Sadly, I'm back in Bing.  My professor let me skype into class this morning; I asked him yesterday so that I could come back today in the afternoon rather than yesterday late at night.  He said he liked the idea and that I was thinking outside the box and I kind of really liked hearing that.  It was nice.

What was not nice was roommate B texting and telling me that roommate J finally took kitty to the vet and that she had fleas.  Don't know how many, and don't know for how long, since, you know, he never took her since he brought her home.  So of course I'm kind of annoyed, because that could have easily been prevented, and her main eating place is in the kitchen.  Kinda grossed out.  Then I get angry when roommate B said that the first thought from roommate J was apparently that she got it from the pups.  It just...was frustrating to hear that he would say that; he was basically trying to blame on consequence of his irresponsibility on us.  Meanwhile, I bathe Callie regularly, and have her professionally cleaned and everything every 1-2 months or so, and since I adopted her she has been receiving monthly flea and tick treatments and has never had any problems.  Elsa, on the other hand, has never been to the vet or gotten treated and spends a lot of time in the basement where, if there would be fleas...that's where they would be, probably.

So hearing this sucks; I came home and had to put this organic powder stuff all over my room to make sure I didn't have anything in there.  Roommate B got the organic stuff because it apparently is okay if the pups eat it.  So at least I don't need to worry about that.  We might bug bomb the place too, but we will need to coordinate to make sure everyone and all the furbabies are out for a few hours.

Joy.


Ever since concert and that stupid guy that I was stupidly attracted to, stupid things have been on my mind.

Because I did not get to pick the weeks I wanted to write a reaction paper for in this class, I got stuck with this week, where we are talking about government intervention in the market, which is so far away from my field and I know fucking shit about it in terms of academic literature.  It is frustrating because I now need to write this shit before five which means I need to think of something good enough and ahhhh. 

I did also email my prof asking him if it would be possible for me to skype in on tomorrow's meeting rather than physically being there, because otherwise I won't be able to leave here until really late, and I don't know if I really want to drive that late.  I know I've done it before, but I don't necessarily like to. 

Also I need to shower.  I probably smell.  

Oh well.  Write first. 

Streetlight was, as always, amazing.  I did stay in front for a while but I did also decide to go further back towards the mosh pit and stuff and it was well worth it.  I took some videos and pictures and I was able to snag a limited edition poster from that evening (even though I really don't need yet another poster from them...except oh wait yes I do).

I am a bit concerned about something: there was a guy I kept running into on the floor and to me he was like...super fucking attractive and it didn't take me long to realize that he looked similar to the ex, when his hair was longer.  And that made me a bit mad at myself.

I dunno maybe that is just the type I like, or something.

Oh well, I got over it.  Music and fun were still occurring.  Oh!  And theydid play Point/Counterpoint and Keasbey Nights and I was so fucking thrilled about that.  Also recorded it, so it might be up somewhere at some point.

I really do enjoy being home.

Having my parents around eases my stress levels, and honestly just being away from Bing also helps.  I still am finding my emotion levels have been stunted; I have the Streetlight concert tonight and while I know I am excited to go and it is going to be fucking awesome, I don't feel the over-joyous anticipation that I wanted to.  Maybe it is still too early?  Maybe it will come when I am actually there?  Maybe it won't hit until Streetlight actually comes on stage and I hear the first note of their opening song.

Nancy suggested to me that maybe I should think about taking off on Monday, so I should return to school that afternoon rather than tomorrow.  I'm still debating that.  I am one of the writers this week in terms of reaction papers so I should really go.  But she is right in that maybe a bit more than a weekend (in which I am frantically trying to finish readings before I leave for concert, and then I'll need to finish the paper before 5 tomorrow) would help me with stress.

Meh, I'm still thinking.

What is kind of cool is that since I got all my meds back, I feel like I've been able to concentrate a bit more.  The bupropion has been helping with that, I think, more than the sertraline.  I still haven't gotten the anti-anxiety stuff, which I should go do and try it before I have to see my doctor again.  Hopefully that will help also.    

It's always fun listening to how difficult the job market is and how the workload is only going to get more intense when we are ABD and first-year faculty.

It just reminds me of what a dismal failure I am/am going to be.

You think I'd get used to being up until 2 in the morning on Thursdays and having to get up around 7.

Nah.

MLE, why do I suck at you.

Room

Here be pics of my decorated room. I still would enjoy more, especially some Kill la Kill stuff. But yeah.

Still blah. But sleepy.

For some reason every time a concert comes up - depending on the band - I start having these weird thoughts of running into the ex while I'm there and how I would react to that and stuff.  It makes no sense for me to think that, especially now that he is across the country and I will probably never see him again.

But even though I know that, the thought remains planted in my mind and I start feeling anxious and stuff about that possibly happening.

My predicted reaction always changes, too.  But hey, I would at least be able to say things I wasn't able to say?  Not that he would care; he'd defend and justify and all that crap, as he was prone to doing.


I want Kill la Kill prints but I have so little space on my wall now.  ...I'll make room.  I also need to buy some now.

Sadly, my agility trainer is sick and so class has been cancelled.  Boo.  Callie won't be very happy about that, but she'll get over it.


I'm still a huge mess even though I am trying to appear as anything but.  I really just want to lay down and do nothing for the rest of the fucking week, but I have so much shit I need to get done before Friday.  At least I have Streetlight concert on Saturday to look forward to.  I'll be heading down to my parents' house on Friday and then taking the train into the city; it is way easier than trying to drive into Manhattan and back in one night.

I tend to have daydreams about just leaving.  Without saying a word to anyone.  Just picking up and taking Callie and going somewhere - usually it is London, in my mind - and becoming completely disconnected with the world I know right now.  But I could never actually do that.

Lately I just feel like a terrible person and a horrible student, and everything would be better for everyone if I was gone, or something.

I don't know.

Shit sucks lately.

I got back to Bing not too long ago, and I am of course sad about it.  For some reason I can't shake this idea in my head that my adviser thinks I'm terrible and that I don't do any work or anything and that he would rather me go away and stuff.  And so now I'm all anxious about returning to school tomorrow and having to face him and I kind of just want to stay home all day.

Also Hallowmas tickets sold out before I got one and I'm dumb for not jumping on that earlier.  Maybe I can stubhub one or something like that.

I had fun yesterday with family, but I was still kind of sad/emotionless in reality.  I'm getting back into that mode, it seems.  Or maybe I'm just getting so down on myself that I'm finding little reason to get my hopes up about almost anything.  I've been very much in a "I'm a fucking horrible human being and I suck" mood lately.

Ugh, I hate this.  I'm so fucking awful lately.

Maybe I'll try the anti-anxiety meds today or tomorrow or something.

Nephew-pup is adorable.

I feel weird though. Like not okay weird. My entire drive to sister's place was as if I was in a trance, playing through various things in my head, none of which were good. Example: I am convinced for some reason that my adviser doesn't like me and thinks I don't do a lot of work. I don't know why I think that. Also, whenever I can't do work I don't tell him, "oh I was having trouble finding reasons to continue doing anything and get out of bed," which is usually what was happening.

Also I still can't listen to Such Great Heights.

Gonna sleep, but will be more detailed tomorrow or something.

All I know is that I'm really not okay.

I am making a fuck ton of last minute changes based on last minute commentary from a prof I really like and respect and so I have been working all day and probably will be working through most of the night.  Which sucks because I have MLE tomorrow morning and I am already sleepy.  Boooo.

This thing is at 51 pages already.  Not all of it is words; there are a fuck ton of graphs and tables and shit, but those things took fucking forever.

Wahhhh comps.

And this whole thing is still probably a whole load of horseshit.

I wanna go home.

Medications

After too long without any of my medication, I finally had a visit with my physician today and prescriptions are coming in soon.  Which I think should help me.  I'm hoping they do.  He also gave me some xanax because of my anxiety shit which has been flaring up here and there.  I was told not to take it all the time, but to try it at some point and then if it works, it will really help when I'm freaking out about something.  Hopefully, he said, it will help me through my presentation and all the comps procedures.

Here's hoping.  I'm really tired of feeling the way I do, and yet actively trying to do something to fix it still seems fucking exhausting.  I guess little steps here and there...I'm going to really try to refrain from doing work in bed from now on.  I need to disassociate it with work and stress and everything.

I think I want to start swimming...maybe.  Swimming I know is really good for you, and for some reason that is what has been on my mind lately in terms of something that would be nice to do.  But then again, kickboxing and other stuff like that also sounds good.  Really, something is needed.  Maybe I can schedule swimming or other exercises for certain times in the day, and I commit myself to that no matter what is going on.  I can start with maybe 2 days during the week plus weekends, and increase from there?

That might be a good idea.  

Guess who cleared off her desk so she can try to no longer work in her bed because that is apparently super bad for sleeping and relaxation purposes?

That's right, this girl.

Sitting at my desk in my room like a goddamn adult, holy shit.

Want to talk about more stuff kind of but also need to do work since dinner with padre was (happily) long.

Also at some point I will take pics of my room, which has now been fully decorated with the stuff I had from past Otakons.

Though now I want more prints.  Specifically, Kill la Kill ones.  Problem will be finding space, at this rate.

When I saw one of my professors before to ask him something about my paper and the most recent assignment for his class, he told me that I was "wearing [my] stress on [my] sleeve," and that I should try to relax.  I usually try to not look as stressed as I feel when in front of the professors, but I guess that I'm so crazed right now that it is just kind of intense and I can't.

Luckily, my dad had to do some work on campus and so I got to have breakfast with him (which for me was grilled cheese and fries aww yeah) and then after agility with Callie I get to have dinner with him too!  So that is nice.

Stupidly, I didn't do enough work yesterday but I think this week I'm going to forget everything else and only focus on editing this paper.  I read my articles for comparative, one of which actually gave me some nice things to add into my paper, and then I want to maybe also add in a graph or two or something.

And edit.  My god it needs editing.

I'm hoping that it won't be too bad by Friday.  I can't really tell anymore, to be honest.  It has transformed so much and I just don't know how to view it anymore.

Because I couldn't motivate myself to do anything yesterday, I just played Smash, which is lots of fun.  Unfortunately my internet connection sucks and so when I tried to play online against people I was really laggy, so I just went back to playing classic mode and getting trophies because I find that fun.  When I'm done with that I'll start practicing for real with Marth and Robin (and maybe Rosalina & Luma, they seemed pretty legit when I was playing).

But comps is much more important right now.

Ugh, I'm going to collapse at some point, I just know it.

I feel as though my facebook feed has exploded with people getting engaged and married, and I'm just sitting here stressing out over a paper that should be finished already, with the other side of my bed filled with squishables.

While I have zero desire to be married right now, I do get a bit sad and stuff.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone around like that.  I mean, I guess I think that a lot, when I am missing the feelings of love and stuff that I once harboured for the ex.  It just gets stronger and/or more noticeable when I see that stuff being thrown in my face, I guess.

I was told that someone in my program did say that if he was going to ask out anyone in the department it would be me, and while I was flattered when I heard...he and I have next to nothing in common outside our field of study, at least from the conversations I've had from him.

(Though in response to that I got a few people then suggesting the good ol' fwb idea, which is starting to look more and more attractive given stress levels and frustration.  ...Then again, knowing me, it wouldn't work.  And of course, it isn't as though I actually have been asked out or anything.)


I have one more small piece of this draft I think and then I should send it out.  But it is a piece that is confusing me, so I might just wait until tomorrow.  Maybe I can do it during class or something because I once again did not do the readings because I have been working on comps.

Bra sizes

So my bras have been hurting me for some time now and I started wondering if I was wearing the wrong size bra after seeing some posts on tumblr about how to accurately measure bra size.

According to my calculations, I should be a 34D, not a 34B like what I have always thought.

What.

I kind of can't believe that, and I keep thinking I did something wrong, but it might be a good idea to go try some new ones on, because the ones I have are sometimes just super painful all around.


Still writing my paper and I have barely any idea what I'm doing anymore.  I feel like I'm trying to combine a whole mess of different literatures and it is starting to turn my brain into mush.  Or just the fact that I'm rewriting again and need to have it done and polished by Friday is freaking me out and messing me up.

I need to tell myself that it is okay if I don't do much classwork this week.  I need to focus on this paper, and if I need all week to work on it so that I am at least a little bit happy with it by Friday, then that is what I should do.


Also I got Smash 4 and I am so fucking rusty it is awful.  I need to practice and shit.  Right now I'm sticking with Marth (I'll probably also fool around with Lucina since she is a clone of him), but I hear Robin is pretty boss, so I might try him/her out also.

I'll probably stick with Marth in the end though.  He's been my dude since Melee and I am attached.  Plus it helps that he is still good (even if he was nerfed a little bit since Brawl...though it doesn't seem like much so far; the change in sword length is what is throwing me off most of all so far).  

Why hello there Target cafe.  We meet again. 

Give me the mental strength to write this paper. 

Is it bad that I started thinking of a target kamui which gave me greater mental capacity?  Yes, yes it is.  Too much Kill la Kill on the brain.  

Despite my over-abundance of work, I knew that I needed a day where I just did nothing but fun stuff and catch up on shows I've fallen behind on, so after class and our guest speaker I did pretty much that.  I haven't touched work since I got home, and I think I'm going to keep it this way until tomorrow.  And tomorrow I'll try doing my comps paper at Target again.  It needs a good amount of work done over the weekend, and for some reason my productivity there is usually higher than when I'm at home or even in the office.  It is weird, I know.

Earlier in the day, I was able to talk a bit with a friend from undergrad.  He was my friend, but he was ex's best friend there, so whenever he talks to me I actually get really happy because it means that he saw me and wanted to be friends with me for me and not just because I was ex's girlfriend at the time.  It makes me smile, because I often would worry that any friends I made who were better friends with the ex would just say I was crazy and never want to talk to me again.  But many of the ones I have talked to have agreed that he wasn't good enough for me and have chosen to still talk to me.  Now, I have not spoken with his (perhaps former) best friend about anything; part of me always has this itch to bring it up but I do my best to not scratch it.  It wouldn't make anything better, and it could potentially make things weird and awkward.  Not that I know if he has spoken to the ex since graduation or anything.

The only thing I hinted at was when I said during our convo that I had many regrets about senior year.  That was the closest I've ever come to talking about anything ex-related with him.  I like to just pretend shit never happened, usually.  Like I never knew the ex, almost.

Though it is nice for him to ask me to hit him up whenever I'm in Philly, and we will play video games and do fun stuff if and when we get together.  I'd like that a lot.  He and his girlfriend are a lot of fun.

Kill la Kill

Spoilers kinda sorta.

That's it.  That's the show.

Also omfg I fucking love them.

I'm a goddamn moron and I feel like I can't do the fucking simplest code right now and I should just quit because I suck so much.

Ugh I just want to sleep.


Also I finished Kill la Kill and it was most excellent.


I'm frustrated.

My dad is going to be doing some work on the computers up here on campus on Tuesday, so we are going to nom lunch and dinner together and that should be very nice for me.

I've still been feeling weird ever since my weird emotional break the other day.  Like, I haven't felt like I'm on that edge, but I also haven't felt good, despite I guess how I might be acting.  It is almost an apathy, but even that doesn't quite capture it.  Resilience, perhaps?  I'm not sure.  All I know is that I have been a little calmer, but not necessarily in a good way, if that makes sense.  I have no idea if it does; it is weird to describe.

There is this sense of doom hanging over me, like I know something terrible is about to happen.  But I guess I do not care all that much anymore?  It has hit that point, where I just don't think I care about anything again.  Fun.

I've been told I have a high tolerance for stress and stuff.  That I don't take care of myself because I don't realize I'm reaching the limit until I am right there, about to go over.  And therefore I need to be more proactive in doing things to de-stress.    

"Just because he is across the country, in a sunny warm state and in a seemingly nice job with a seemingly nice girlfriend, he still is the same person."

And that person is one I neither like nor trust.

I shouldn't compare all that much, maybe.  But it is hard when shit for him seems so perfect and I have a meltdown over something stupid.

Session involved me talking about shit that happened yesterday, and I tried making an appointment with my doctor, but unfortunately only got a voicemail.  Hopefully they'll get back to me tomorrow.

...I'm tired.  I should sleep.  Dreams and stuff have made me get up early.

The remainder of last night was not really fun.

After I calmed down and got changed out of my soaking clothes, roommate made me cookies and we sat down and watched Kill la Kill some more.  I was getting a bit better until I saw an email from my dad to myself and my three sisters.  Apparently three of the four of us forgot to call on my parents' anniversary and they were sad/disappointed.  Honestly, I really did forget, mostly because the days have been blending together and I often don't know what the date is.  Hell, until yesterday when I saw that, I didn't even realize it was October.  I kept thinking it was September still.  Maybe it was my  mind's way of trying to cope with the fact that my paper for comps is due in the middle of October, I don't know.

But anyway, after seeing that, I go into panic mode again, and decide to call my parents.  At first I wanted to say something calm and stuff and be all "I'm sorry; things haven't been good and I didn't even realize it was October, honestly."  But when my mother answered the phone I just started crying and sobbing and telling her I was really sorry I forgot and that I am terrible and I've just had a bad few weeks and that I'm really sad and I don't know what to do.  I tried relaying the story about what happened earlier in the evening, and tried explaining how stressed I've been.  She tried calming me down, and said that I can call more and seemed sad when I said that I didn't want to bother them.  That I felt like I would and stuff.

We talked about some school stuff and then she asked about my medication; I've run out on one and am low on the other, meaning I've been taking it sparingly.  That probably is a big part of the reason I'm so fucked up right now; I am not supposed to just quit those all at once, and it is probably messing with my head.  Which doesn't need messing with even more.

So I need to do that.  Gotta make appointment today to hopefully go in tomorrow or something...

And then I talked with my dad about the same stuff, and then he brought up the email, which just made me cry more because I felt horrible and like a terrible person and a terrible daughter and stuff.  And I kept saying I was sorry and I didn't mean to and all.  He said that he never would have sent it to us if this was going to be my reaction, that he was sorry because he didn't realize what was going on with me and everything.

We talked about some other stuff to calm me down, but I still felt weird after.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just in that state of feeling weird and shit won't stop it except maybe a refill on meds.

There is a possibility that I will go down to the island or they will come here this weekend.  And I'm debating letting them take Callie for a little bit.  I'm not sure if that would be a good idea though; she is my best friend and a good stress reliever, but I wouldn't have to do stuff with her (though again, that could be a stress reliever), and I feel like she's been cooped up due to my workload lately.  Maybe being with my parents will give her room to run and play and stuff.


...I need to go get the new Smash soon.

So you know how I said I was feeling weird?

Well let's just say I was walking puppies and still feeling weird and then a bird pooped on me and my mind's natural reaction at this point is to go into panic mode. I freak out, turn around and rush back to my house. Upon getting there I go right to the bathroom take off my hoodie, go into hysterics and then I guess I took off my shoes and belts and nothing else before getting in the shower.

So that and the first part of shower is a blur. And then I got out and cried more with roommate comforting me and I don't know shit was weird.

And then got out of wet jeans and shirt and now gonna watch more kill la kill.

I still feel weird today and am just not paying any attention in class.

And I still keep thinking about past stuff and about that wolf dream.

And maybe my bitterness shows through; his girlfriend moving across country makes my stomach churn.

But maybe it isn't really about him and I.  Trust me, I would never ever ever trade places with her or have him back at my side.  Rather, it is more about my own worldview and the view of my own status and how pathetic I find myself.

And of course, this idea that neither justice nor karma truly exists, which hurts a bit.  Despite having a - at least what I would like to think is - scientific mind, I used to believe that those things did have some place in the world.

But if he gets to be happy while I contemplate my own demise and how wonderful that might be, then no.  No it doesn't.

Hah, and I wonder where my work ethic has gone.  What's the fucking point of it.

If I am still so affected by someone who is across the nation and who never gave two shits about me, then I am even worse than I thought originally and should just go away forever.


I'm in one of those moods.  It is weird that being with friends only temporarily makes bad thoughts go away and then they come back in full force once they're gone.

I feel weird again today, with weird bad thoughts in my head and an inability to work effectively.

So instead of working I finally started watching Kill la Kill.

Which was a grand decision because it is quite enjoyable.

Wolf dream

Okay, so I said I would talk about the dream and since I'm feeling weird since college roommate left, I figure I can do that instead of work on stuff for the time being.

I don't know if I need to trigger warning stuff like this?  But it is kind of gross and intense and disturbing.

At first, the dream was as if I was like...floating above, watching everything happen.  I saw a big wolf cornering the ex in this black space...it wasn't really a room.  It was just darkness all around.  And the wolf had brown eyes and looked somewhat wounded, but was still able to walk and fight.  I watched as it cornered him, almost looking larger and larger as it got closer.  I know he was frightened, but he did well to not show it that much.  He was trying to appease the wolf as if she were a dog, but obviously it wasn't working.

In a flash, the wolf lunged at one of his legs, I guess in anticipation of him trying to run away.  And rather than just bite at it, she tore off a huge chunk of flesh, leaving him crippled on the ground.  As he tried crawling away, she lunged again and attacked his right hand - specifically his fingers (aka - what he uses to play fighting games), tearing off a few of them and tossing them to the side.  It was as if they were too disgusting for her to even eat.

But then, my perspective started changing.  Instead of looking down at this happening, I suddenly was seeing things through the eyes of the wolf.  But I wasn't entirely a wolf anymore.  Instead, as he was trying to crawl away, I slowly followed him, transforming into my human shape and looking down at him.  And I hated him.  I loathed him with every fibre of my being.  I had wounds as the wolf had - old scars all over my flesh, as well as new open sores that had only begun to heal (or not even started at all).  

As I walked closer toward him, he started screaming about how sorry he was.  That he was wrong.  He tried appealing to me by calling me 'Awwie' at one point, which just set me off, as I crushed the fingers of his left hand under my boot, feeling and hearing the bone crunch underneath.

He was sobbing at this point, and I knelt down to meet him at his level.  I stared at him, and gently took his face into my hands.  But my expression held that same hatred, but also became mixed with severe sadness.  Old wounds started bleeding again.  I held that position for a bit, and I remember some tears falling from my eyes, though my vision never blurred.

"No, you're not sorry.  You never were."  Those were the last words I said before my head transformed back into the wolf's, and my teeth tore at his neck.

And that was it.  I woke up after that.

So I had a pretty gruesome dream last night.

It involved me as a wolf, as which I maimed/killed the ex kind of brutally.

Running out to brunch with college roommate now, but I wanted to make sure I put this here so I talk about it later.  Because...yeah.  That was crazy.

Also, just saw something because of snooping I should not have been doing.

But whatever.

Fuck him.

And all the stupid happiness he gets to have, apparently.

And I hate that I never got to curse his name to his fucking stupid face.

Fuck you fuck you.

Bitterness.

I still hate you more than anything.  And I hate that you get to be fucking happy after all the shit you did to me.

You are still a terrible fucking human being.



Okay, enough of that.  I just kind of had to get that out.

Having college roommate visit me has been really good for my mood so far and I just wish she could be here for longer than just a weekend.

After getting here late last night, we just hit up noms and then today we watched almost all of Sailor Moon Crystal (she had only seen the first two episodes) before heading to Lost Dog for lunch.  After that, arcade happened, and it was wonderful because the arcade always is. It is huge and things are cheap and she bought an NES game she loves.  I then showed her our super awesome theatre and we saw Annabelle which was mediocre but the company was good and I always give commentary during horror movies.  It is probably annoying to people around me, but she and I enjoyed (since she was commentating a bit as well).

Once we got home and walked pups she showed me a video explaining indoctrination theory for the ending of ME3, which I found quite fascinating and way more interesting than the original ending.  Then we watched these series of vids going through an epic history of the major houses of Game of Thrones.  It was enjoyable.

I haven't even thought about work, which is good because this time is supposed to be fun.

I just don't want to go back to the reality of work.

Frustrated.  Angry with self.  Why couldn't I be a better programmer so I didn't need to stay up this late doing shit. 

Sleep. 

Why do I suck

Yesterday, my session with Nancy involved me being incredibly stressed about my work and my life, and explaining the anxiety I have about joining new things where I need to meet new people.  I have so much stress that it is beginning to physically hurt; my shoulders are always where tension goes and they feel so stiff and uncomfortable lately.

I promised that I would look up things this week in terms of clubs or activities and stuff, and to bring numbers/emails back next week so that I could force myself to overcome that fear and start getting out more.  I really do need the exercise.  Perhaps I could join a Y and start swimming again (which I haven't done since I was a kid), but as I lamented how I'm not a particularly strong swimmer, I was reminded that that is the perfectionist in me talking.  That these things I will be doing will be for fun and that I don't need to be "good" at them.  They're supposed to be relaxing.

I'm going to look into some clubs, hopefully, and maybe this weekend with college roommate I'll check out some of the parks or something.


Also in my discussion section today, I think I may have offended people by telling them to think critically about things they say concerning the U.S.  And by that I didn't mean "you must criticize it," but more "if you're going to tell me why we are so much better than this other place, you need to tell me why you think that."  I don't know if some people appreciated that.

Oh well.