I'm really tired of feeling sick to my stomach all the damn time. That disgusting knot has made itself a comfortable room in there, and I really wish I could be rid of it. As much as I try to tell myself that I no longer care, the physical reactions I involuntarily have to new things - updates, perhaps - remind me that I do still care, on some level. It's more of a "ha ha fuck you thinking that you're okay because you're not okay." And the scariest thing is that I don't know when I will be.
A few months ago, I wholeheartedly believed that I would be completely alright by now. Or at least, as alright as I once was. Which was still a whole lot of self-loathing fucked up-ness, in a way, but it was not as loud and much easier to hide and manage. I just...haven't been able to get a grip on it. For almost a year now, it has been like that. You'd think I would have been able to get back on track by now. But I haven't been.
The worthlessness I see in myself...I don't know how to get rid of that mentality.
I try. I've been trying. I take what others tell me and attempt to completely believe their words. I look back at my past relationship and try to listen to others when they tell me I did nothing wrong. And I believe that.
But I don't believe I am memorable. Or remarkable. In any way. How could he have gotten over me so fast if I wasn't as worthless as I always feel?
I realize that I should not revolve my self-worth around him. Truthfully, I do not. His actions are evidence to how I already felt about myself.
Though, it is somewhat astonishing to me that he - who all of my friends and family deem a huge piece of shit - is the one whose actions I look at, because they reinforce my own image. I ignore my family and friends and the possible worth they see in me because it is unfathomable to me, I suppose.
I am incredibly envious of people who like themselves.
Truly, I am. Because I never really have.
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