For Someone

This entry is for someone.  Not for him, but for she whom I felt replaced by.

Now, I won't lie; I did read your most recent entry, and know that the beginning was addressed to me.  I'm unsure if you read this at all, honestly, and I'm probably being incredibly bold in daring to address something to you, though not nearly daring enough to actually post it as a comment to you.  That direct approach is just not something I feel as if I could - or should - do, I guess.  If that makes sense?

Anyway, you know my feelings for you, and I agree that they are 100% unfair.  And honestly, they have subsided a great deal.  Though I never felt like you stole anyone from me, really.  It is an odd feeling.  I felt like you were my replacement, and honestly, as someone who was told by her significant other how much he wanted to be with her forever and marry her and had her convinced that she was "the one," anyone who came across his eye afterward was not safe from my wrath.  So it was never really you.  It was him, and because I didn't want to be angry with him for a long time, I took my anger out on the closest person to him - which I perceived to be you.  I even recognized how unfair it was.  I hated myself even more than I normally do because of it.  Still, I do.

When he began with you, all that I felt he said to me throughout our relationship was a big lie.  And that is truly what I hated and continue to hate.  It just existed as a physical manifestation in you.  And I am very sorry, honestly.  From the beginning, he should have be the subject of my anger.  Solely him.  But I am weak, and couldn't bring myself to hate him, at least for a long time.

Even now, you said he has a new girl - as my suspicions were - and that makes me incredibly angry.  Because if I meant half as much to him as he had claimed, he would not have moved on from me as fast as he has.  He would have mourned our relationship for longer than he did.  I admire that you can be hurt by him and still be happy that he is no longer lonely and everything.  I admire it, and am jealous of it.  I despise that even after not talking with him at all for a few months I still am affected by him.  Physically and mentally.  I was a better girlfriend to him than he was a boyfriend for me, by far.  It isn't fair that I continue to think about him and I know he doesn't pay me a second thought anymore, most likely.

I'm glad that you want to keep your memories of him.  Truly, I am.  But I do not want to keep mine.  If it were possible, I would remove him from my memory.  He ripped me from a mentality I never truly wanted to leave, and since he left, I have not been able to return to it.  I do not care about the happy memories anymore.  All they do is make things worse.  Because I wonder how the hell we went from what we were to what we are now, which is absolutely nothing.  Borderline enemies, at this rate.  Hell, I see him as a completely different person now, on some level.  I should be happy he's not lonely anymore; you are a better person than I am for being happy for him.

I'm not happy for him.

Because I'm selfish.

I hate what he has done to me, and more than that, I hate myself for allowing him - whom I think less of than a piece of dog shit on the ground I would pass while on a walk - to trick me.  And maybe it wasn't a trick at all.  But thinking about it any other way drives me insane.  It is a measure of protection, thinking of it like that.  This whole experience shattered my already fucked-up mind, and I have not been able to pick up the pieces properly.  And being unable to do that frightens me greatly.  I don't like being like this.

I don't.

I just feel thrown away.

And I know I should just get over it.  I should be over it.  I'm over him, yes, somewhat, but not really over the feelings.  I don't know if that makes any sort of sense.  Finding worth in myself has always been incredibly difficult for me.  It is why I am a perfectionist, and why I have been for all my life.  There's no reason for it, really; my family is perfect, and my friends are the best I could have ever found.

For him to move on from me so fast...for him, who claimed so many wonderful things about me and how much I meant to him...what am I truly worth?  If someone who could say all those things could find someone else and do things with others within a month of us breaking up, all while I am sitting around in a shock and in a daze throughout that time...what does that say of me?

To me, to my poisonous mind, it screams that I truly am worthless.

It takes a plethora of love from family and friends to build me up a little, and then one person to make that crash.  And since it was him - whom I was convinced was perfect for me and I for him - I crashed harder than I ever did before.  

And yeah, everyone goes through breakups.  I'm aware of that.  Perhaps I should just stay away from relationships altogether, because I can't handle the ugly aftermath of their failures.  Or maybe I could, just not with him, because I was entirely convinced of a different reality than the one I am living in.  I don't really know.

Either way, I still feel thrown away.  I still feel betrayed.  I still feel worthless.

And that is why I wish I could forget about him altogether.

You're a better person than I am, for being happy for him and not wanting to forget about him.  Truly, you are.


I'm not sure why I am relaying all this information to you.  Originally I meant for this to be a short apology and a quick explanation.  (And a thank you, for confirming my suspicions about him and a new person, though I doubt you meant to do that.)  I am convinced you don't even read this, actually.  But just in case, I did mean every word of this.  I don't mean to make it sound like excuses or anything, but still.  I felt it important to say.  Sorry for the...too much information-esque quality of this, but I felt like...of all people, for some reason, maybe you would understand.  I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't, though, since I really do have a very messed up way of thinking.

There's no need to acknowledge this, or anything, if you happen to see it.  I just wanted to put some stuff out there, I suppose.