Funeral

Got back from PA not too long ago.  Not the best of trips, for the obvious reason.

His parents asked that we think of him when we go throughout this program, and for us to do great things because that is what he wanted and they also said he loved being in our program and that he loved surrounding himself with people like us.  I feel like I could have said more for them, but I ended up blanking in the worst of ways.  How can anything I say make anything like this better?  It can't.

It was very sad.  And almost surreal, honestly.  Like...I was not very close with him, but it is going to be weird not having him in class, reading things that the rest of us didn't get to and then teaching us all something new because of it.

I really can't believe it.

The drive back was quieter than the drive there.


This whole trip made me think some, as well.


I'm really exhausted.

"You can't possibly know everything, even if you think you have to."

Basically sums up my conversation with my parents.  Which actually did help me feel better about seemingly fucking up in class today.  That, and being reminded that I really have never been taught statistics; when we got to some calculus stuff, I was better at recognizing things.  My professor seems confused about my affection for calc, but I'd take it over stat any day.  Seriously.

I miss math sometimes.  Like, pure math.

Also talked with Anisha about stuff.  She agrees that it is really good and I'm very happy about it happening.


I'm going over my notes from today's class, and I might also go over some notes from last semester's stats class.  I really need to go through this more thoroughly.

I'm terrified of having to try to learn code again.  Sure, it is in R and Stata, so it's not like...C++ or Java or anything, but fuck I even sucked at Mathematica coding when I had to use it for fellows.  Which is why my partner ended up doing most of the coding.  And yes, I do want to learn how to program because it really is fascinating to me and a very useful skill, but I sucked so hardcore at computer science.  I don't know; it just didn't click for me.


Heading down to PA tomorrow for funeral for my cohort-mate.  It's actually on the way to Ursinus, and I'd be more tempted to stop down there if a good chunk of my cohort wasn't all going.

When I get called on in class and don't have a clue as to the answer, and show just how little I know about a subject I feel like I should know, I beat myself up grossly.  I have no idea why I just can't silently accept that I don't know something and that I will eventually learn it.  Especially if it is math related.

I don't know.  So far, statistics is not clicking for me as well as other math subjects have.  And it is frustrating.

I think I'm going to nap.  I'm beyond tired.

For Someone

This entry is for someone.  Not for him, but for she whom I felt replaced by.

Now, I won't lie; I did read your most recent entry, and know that the beginning was addressed to me.  I'm unsure if you read this at all, honestly, and I'm probably being incredibly bold in daring to address something to you, though not nearly daring enough to actually post it as a comment to you.  That direct approach is just not something I feel as if I could - or should - do, I guess.  If that makes sense?

Anyway, you know my feelings for you, and I agree that they are 100% unfair.  And honestly, they have subsided a great deal.  Though I never felt like you stole anyone from me, really.  It is an odd feeling.  I felt like you were my replacement, and honestly, as someone who was told by her significant other how much he wanted to be with her forever and marry her and had her convinced that she was "the one," anyone who came across his eye afterward was not safe from my wrath.  So it was never really you.  It was him, and because I didn't want to be angry with him for a long time, I took my anger out on the closest person to him - which I perceived to be you.  I even recognized how unfair it was.  I hated myself even more than I normally do because of it.  Still, I do.

When he began with you, all that I felt he said to me throughout our relationship was a big lie.  And that is truly what I hated and continue to hate.  It just existed as a physical manifestation in you.  And I am very sorry, honestly.  From the beginning, he should have be the subject of my anger.  Solely him.  But I am weak, and couldn't bring myself to hate him, at least for a long time.

Even now, you said he has a new girl - as my suspicions were - and that makes me incredibly angry.  Because if I meant half as much to him as he had claimed, he would not have moved on from me as fast as he has.  He would have mourned our relationship for longer than he did.  I admire that you can be hurt by him and still be happy that he is no longer lonely and everything.  I admire it, and am jealous of it.  I despise that even after not talking with him at all for a few months I still am affected by him.  Physically and mentally.  I was a better girlfriend to him than he was a boyfriend for me, by far.  It isn't fair that I continue to think about him and I know he doesn't pay me a second thought anymore, most likely.

I'm glad that you want to keep your memories of him.  Truly, I am.  But I do not want to keep mine.  If it were possible, I would remove him from my memory.  He ripped me from a mentality I never truly wanted to leave, and since he left, I have not been able to return to it.  I do not care about the happy memories anymore.  All they do is make things worse.  Because I wonder how the hell we went from what we were to what we are now, which is absolutely nothing.  Borderline enemies, at this rate.  Hell, I see him as a completely different person now, on some level.  I should be happy he's not lonely anymore; you are a better person than I am for being happy for him.

I'm not happy for him.

Because I'm selfish.

I hate what he has done to me, and more than that, I hate myself for allowing him - whom I think less of than a piece of dog shit on the ground I would pass while on a walk - to trick me.  And maybe it wasn't a trick at all.  But thinking about it any other way drives me insane.  It is a measure of protection, thinking of it like that.  This whole experience shattered my already fucked-up mind, and I have not been able to pick up the pieces properly.  And being unable to do that frightens me greatly.  I don't like being like this.

I don't.

I just feel thrown away.

And I know I should just get over it.  I should be over it.  I'm over him, yes, somewhat, but not really over the feelings.  I don't know if that makes any sort of sense.  Finding worth in myself has always been incredibly difficult for me.  It is why I am a perfectionist, and why I have been for all my life.  There's no reason for it, really; my family is perfect, and my friends are the best I could have ever found.

For him to move on from me so fast...for him, who claimed so many wonderful things about me and how much I meant to him...what am I truly worth?  If someone who could say all those things could find someone else and do things with others within a month of us breaking up, all while I am sitting around in a shock and in a daze throughout that time...what does that say of me?

To me, to my poisonous mind, it screams that I truly am worthless.

It takes a plethora of love from family and friends to build me up a little, and then one person to make that crash.  And since it was him - whom I was convinced was perfect for me and I for him - I crashed harder than I ever did before.  

And yeah, everyone goes through breakups.  I'm aware of that.  Perhaps I should just stay away from relationships altogether, because I can't handle the ugly aftermath of their failures.  Or maybe I could, just not with him, because I was entirely convinced of a different reality than the one I am living in.  I don't really know.

Either way, I still feel thrown away.  I still feel betrayed.  I still feel worthless.

And that is why I wish I could forget about him altogether.

You're a better person than I am, for being happy for him and not wanting to forget about him.  Truly, you are.


I'm not sure why I am relaying all this information to you.  Originally I meant for this to be a short apology and a quick explanation.  (And a thank you, for confirming my suspicions about him and a new person, though I doubt you meant to do that.)  I am convinced you don't even read this, actually.  But just in case, I did mean every word of this.  I don't mean to make it sound like excuses or anything, but still.  I felt it important to say.  Sorry for the...too much information-esque quality of this, but I felt like...of all people, for some reason, maybe you would understand.  I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't, though, since I really do have a very messed up way of thinking.

There's no need to acknowledge this, or anything, if you happen to see it.  I just wanted to put some stuff out there, I suppose.

I really wish I took Statistics and Probability while I was an undergrad.  I neglected to take either course because of my laziness and my aversion to probability.  But now, after reading over a crash course appendix from my textbook for probability, I am becoming more and more nervous.  I should definitely know how to do all of that, as a math person.  Sure, I know a decent amount of probability from my other math courses, but I feel like I could have done more.

I could have.  If I just did a little more I maybe would have gotten that damn second degree and maybe I'd know more right now than I do.

My professor for statistics informed me that we're probably also going to use LaTeX, which I've used before, but not in a while, and I'm unnecessarily nervous about not knowing as much as I did about using it.

I don't know.  I worry about everything.  (Plus maybe it really is just another way my mind can take every little thing I don't do and beat myself up about it.)


Friends came over, played some games, ate pizza and breadsticks and chips and dip, and watched Brave, which is fantastic and I really don't agree with people who say it is overrated.  It's so good.  They left early because we're all exhausted from lack of sleep and getting up early all the time.

I'll probably try to sleep before midnight tonight.  We'll see if that actually happens.

Although I usually despise getting up early, I ended up taking the two discussion sections at 8:30 in the morning on Mondays and Wednesdays (so, right before my classes at 9:40), because all the other options were at around 4:30 or later on in the day.  And if I need to get up early anyway, then I really have no desire to have to wait around from the end of my class to that discussion class and not really be completely finished until 6 or 7 at night.  If I'm getting up early, then I am finishing early!

And I don't feel bad about taking those, since none of the other TAs wanted them.  So I was very pleased.  Besides, soon I'll get into the habit of waking up early and it really won't be a big deal.


Instead of staying in and trying to get my sleep schedule on track, I went out to a bar last night until around midnight because guy was playing at the open mic thing they do every Monday night.  It has been a while since I heard him, and I almost forgot how good he sounds.

Part of me is worried, though, because lately it has always been me doing any sort of initiating to hang out or anything, so I wonder if I'm annoying him.  But he always seems like he actually wants to get together after I mention something, and I have fun (and I hope he does as well) when we hang, but I still fear that I'm bothering him on some level.  I don't know.  I don't want to be that guy, I guess.

One of the members of my cohort was killed in a car accident yesterday.

We're waiting for news about the funeral so we can head down to PA and attend.  All of us are in shock, honestly.

Trying to wake up

I can already tell that I'm going to hate getting up early five days a week for classes.  Because the American government class I have to TA is at 8:30 in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays and that is just unacceptable but I have to deal with it.  The bright side is that now (theoretically, anyway; I still don't know when my discussion sessions are for said intro class) I should be done early every day.

But still.  Getting up early has always been my Achilles heel.

I'll have to channel my undergrad freshman self, where I had 8 am classes four days a week.


I finished Dragon Age 2 last night.  It was good, though I do like Origins better.  I really hated the repeating landscapes thing, but that appears to be an ubiquitous criticism.  I'll probably start over with a rogue or mage sometime soon, though I was thinking about going and buying Origins and playing through that again first, so I could have a completely different Warden storyline for a new Hawke.

I do have other games I should play though, too.


So.  Tired.  I just want to roll around in bed and go back to sleep.

I'm spoiled

My friend just showed me another local game store around here.  This one doesn't have an arcade attached to it but it is huge and also has everything old and new and it made me very excited.  This one had Persona 4 Arena, which I am really tempted to get.  But honestly, if I'm going to start getting into fighting games more, I really should invest in a fightstick.  That doesn't mean I plan to (or ever will have the skill to, more likely) get into the competitive scene, but fighting games are more fun on a stick than on the controller, in my opinion.

Though I am getting a live Gold membership, so it'd be easier for me to practice against people online (after spending some time training on my own, of course).  And while online practice isn't as ideal as practicing locally, it is better than nothing.


Tomorrow starts classes; have American on Mondays, then Research and Statistics II on Wednesdays, and Game Theory on Fridays.  Plus a mandatory workshop for stat on Thursdays, and regular workshops on Fridays, and then whenever my TA sessions will be, which I'm not sure about as of now.

It will be a lot, as expected, but I do have a resolution to play more games this semester, regardless.  Mostly because they help me not stress out so much.  Also because I just miss playing them a lot when I do not.  (And my skill suffers drastically; how I'm playing now doesn't compare to how I once was, sadly).


I need to call my doctor this week to talk to her about how I'm handling the medication.  I was supposed to do so before I came back, but she was unavailable when I called, so I'll have to do it soon.   It definitely is helping my mood overall.  Yeah, I still fantasize sometimes and worry about things and go through self-loathing periods, but I don't feel as crushed as I did prior to starting.  So although I'm still not at an ideal point, it isn't as bad as when I was unaided, if that makes sense.


I might make sour cream and onion dip and indulge in some chips today.

Saw Movie 43 last night; it was horrible.  Don't see it.  It was a barrage of stupid jokes and skits and we all were sitting there trying to figure out what the hell we were watching.  It's a shame, because the cast was full of really great actors.  Oh well.  

We headed to our bar afterwards, where one of the bartenders recognized us, despite a month's absence.  That made us far too happy.  I didn't drink anything, because of the obvious reason.  Everything was okay until the other two got on the Israel-Iran conflict; that topic is always dangerous territory.  And while I expect the discussion of such a thing, especially due to my area of study, it sometimes gets awkward when your friends are arguing (especially when one of them is very passionate and starts yelling louder with more beer and everything).  At one point I tried to switch the topic, by saying that I wanted ice cream (which was true, even though it was a very bad attempt at a subject change).  

Eventually though, things were calmed, and at it got later, the bar became more crowded.  Which we don't really like.  That's our regular bar, and we usually go when there are not a lot of people in there and it is a slightly older crowd, so we're not huge fans when it gets insane.  So we left and went over to a club, which was practically empty.  But, it had a really nice downstairs lounge area, so we stayed there and continued discussions.

At one point, I was told that - after I said that my usually-depressed state after way too much drinking embarrasses me - I shouldn't be embarrassed, and that I could share anything if I wanted.  That it would not make them think any less of me and that they would stick by me, because they're my friends.

That made me really happy. 

I need to let go.  I really do.  I need to let go of the hurt, the anger...the feelings.  All of them.  Including the memories of happiness and love and everything, since they keep me tied, even though communication ceased months ago.  They are destroying me; my mental state shattered and my physical body (literally) keeps shrinking.  It is just so difficult to let go of everything, though, unfortunately.

Why I've been thinking about this so much recently (well...so much that I feel the need to express my thoughts here, since I think about this topic every single day, sadly enough), I don't really know.  Probably because of my suspicions, which are unfounded right now.

Even without being around, he still remains in my life, and I don't want him to.  I want him to just go away.  I find it sad that I wish I could erase him from my memory because right now that seems to be the only solution to all of this.  I've wanted to let go, and I just haven't been able to, really.

I even like someone else.  I do.  And I have a new life here in Binghamton, far away from the past memories.  In theory, anyway.  I know my path will cross his again at some point, be it at Otakon or Hallowmas, or something.  I don't want to see him, though.  Yet my inability to truly let go tells a different tale than the one I try to convince myself of.


Sometimes I wish I never met him.  I wish that a lot, actually.

Setting up three tvs with three different game systems going is the best idea and why didn't I suggest it sooner.  I'm a little sad I won't be able to repeat it tonight because roommate's brother is coming and I'm not about to be what I complain about: having people over when a guest from elsewhere is around.  No, plan tonight is maybe movies and then bar (I'll be the driver for everyone, since I cannot drink really anyway).  I really hope movies definitely happens.

Was given reading assignments for two of my classes; my plan is to try and do all of the American government readings for Monday today; they don't look very long, but page lengths can be deceiving, what with small fonts and multiple columns and everything.  Still though!

I want to go to the arcade again tomorrow maybe.  And I want to find more music.  Brand New and Passion Pit just...didn't really do it for me, I don't think.  I'll have to continue looking around.

Brendan really likes Portal.  I'm pleased with this.


[Edit] - I hate having involuntary physical reactions.  Saw something had been deleted (which made sense to get rid of, and which I said I wanted deleted when I last looked at it), and didn't feel so good.  Probably because I remember the joy and love I felt when I first saw it, and the message it conveyed.  Why I even look anymore, I really do not know.

I really don't know.

That thing I'm curious about...I have yet to ask a friend to check for me, but I am becoming more and more...convinced that my suspicions are correct.  And while it is something I wish I did not care about - and honestly is something I should not care about - I still do.  And the thought of me being correct, makes me very very inexplicably angry.  Mostly because of the crap I was fed and stupidly consumed without a second thought. 

I do hope I'm not right.  

Betrayals run very deep, unfortunately. 

Arcade

So the arcade/game store was incredible.

It had a bunch of everything, really.  Old school games and systems all the way up to the new stuff.  I really was tempted to buy something, like an NES or Sega Genesis.  There was a huge library of every system's games, as well as accessories and the like.  I actually asked if they sold fightsticks there because I won't lie, I'm slightly interested in getting one.  They said they sometimes do.  I know there are special tournament editions and everything and that those are better but since I'd be playing recreationally/beginner level, essentially, I wouldn't need a super high-class fightstick to start with.

The arcade had a fuckton of games, and since we went in the middle of the day, we were the only ones there for a while.  I spent some time on Marvel v. Capcom, trying to figure out exactly how everything worked.  If I don't have a fightstick and want to get better at fighters, then I'll just have to practice there, I suppose.  And since all the games only cost 25 cents to play, it would be perfect, really.  It would be really awesome to get into playing arcade games and try to get better at games overall again.  We all expressed that trips there should be weekly, at least.

After, went to Denny's (missed that place), and then we came back, and played some Super Mario 64 while waiting for guy to show up.  After he got here, we watched The Avengers and then Taken 2.  Much joy over Liam Neeson kicking ass was shared among the four of us.

If only all days could be like this one!


[Edit] - Oh, and guy said that he was with a friend of his who is a poli sci major who just graduated in December.  He asked her if she knew me, and then I was described as tall (which...I am not, so I have no idea; I'm average at best), who always hangs out with two guys - one with a beard, and a pretty boy.

The fact that we are a trio has become ingrained, even in the minds of undergrads.  I love it.

Mario

I really missed Carl and Brendan.  Seriously.  I couldn't have asked for better friends when I got to grad school.

We went to dinner and then came back and played Mario Kart 64 and Super Mario 64 and ate snacks and just had a good time.  Tomorrow is arcade day followed by a movie night.  We're thinking either Taken 2, The Avengers, or The Room.  I'm going to invite guy to movie also, so hopefully he'll be free also!  Then I'll have been reunited with all three of my guys.

I'd give more details, but I'm very tired.  Helping a plump plumber try to get some cake by saving a princess from a giant spiked turtle is kind of exhausting.  Seriously.  Is there no bakery near you, Mario?  Why go through all that trouble?

Another theory is that Mario is just high as hell on mushrooms and is hallucinating something fierce.  I mean, jumping through paintings in a castle all to get some cake?  Seems like he's trippin', man.

I matter to some people.  To my parents, who are the greatest people I've ever met.  Who become concerned and cry when I let them know about things.  Who try to get me to eat when I don't, and I know that they only become annoyed when I refuse because they want me to be healthy, physically as well as mentally.  Who support me in everything I do, and have never been hard on me for anything, including mistakes that I should have avoided, because they recognize that I beat myself up more than I should about the littlest things.

I matter to my sisters.  My younger one, who was very sad about my leaving today after a month at home.  I feel like I should have maybe done more with her in this past month.  I'm sorry I did not.  And my older ones, who love me no less just because they have found their significant others.  I'm happy for them.  I even matter to my brother-in-law and my future brother-in-law, who joke around with me and share interesting things with me that they believe I would enjoy.

I matter to my friends.  To my best friend who lives in Wisconsin right now, whom I miss dearly.  Who skypes me for hours at a time once a week usually to talk about random things in our lives.  To my roommate from undergrad, who will talk to me from South Korea and be my date to weddings and allow me to be hers.  To my high school friend from home, who keeps prodding at me to get Halo 4 so we could play together online and who wants to dress me up in professional clothes when I (hopefully) obtain my doctorate.  To my grad school friends, who I revealed my inner thoughts to and did not run away from me.  One who has called me the coolest girl he's ever met, and the other who ran over to see me and hung out with me all night tonight - the first night I got back.

Yes, I believe I matter even to that guy, at least somewhat, who immediately texts me back when I tell him I'm back in the area, and who will joke with me and will come watch stupid movies with me so we could laugh at them.

So even if I do not matter to some people, I matter to them.  Even if I become sad because some people I used to matter for, I perhaps do not anymore...I am important to some.  And that is crucial for me to remember when I start thinking that if something terrible were to happen to me, that it would not really be a big deal.  Because...perhaps it would.  To those above, it would.

I should remember this more often.  Really, I should.  Because although I may dislike myself, these people love me.

And that really does count for something.

Return

Got back to Binghamton around 6; there was some traffic when I hit the city (as usual) and then somewhere else.  Plus the snow got pretty bad at some points, which forced me and others to drive slower and all.  All in all, though, that was really good timing considering the circumstances!

I was disappointed when I came back and noticed that the roommate was back already.  Ugh, and here I had been hoping for a few days by myself in the apartment.

Right before I was leaving, my mom started crying, and at first I did not really understand.  I've left before, and there were no tears, so I was confused.  It was only after I asked her and she told me that she worries about me and everything that it kind of hit me; with all that has been going on with me, the medication, the stress, the...everything, my parents have been a rock that I've been sometimes afraid to lean on.  And I've been worrying them with it all.

I'm sad without them around, right now.


I'm debating asking a friend to check something for me, since she would have the ability to do so.  But I wonder if that would highlight how not-okay I am with that thing I've been curious about, if it is true.

I don't normally enjoy songs where the singer is not actually singing (with some small exceptions), but I really enjoy Say Anything's "Admit It!"  Like...way more than I probably should.

I went to the movies with family members today, which was enjoyable.  Tomorrow I'm heading back to Binghamton.  This month went by really really quickly; I can't believe I only have a week left until classes actually start again.  I am excited to see people again.  Especially guy, even though he and I haven't really talked this vacation.  But that's okay.

Still curious.

All of my sisters are home for the weekend, which makes me very happy.

The Streetlight Manifesto albums I pre-ordered haven't arrived yet, which is sad because now I won't be getting them before I leave.  Oh well.  I will see people on the weekend of the 9th because that is when Steph wants to pick out wedding and bridesmaid dresses.  So my dad said that if they come before then, he'll just bring them up with him.

Dragon Age II is still super fun so far.  Though it is annoying that all the cave maps are the same and stuff.

Also I finally got a new belt.  Now my second one won't be so dead and so big that it falls down to my ankles sometimes when I walk.  Huzzah!

Dragon Age II

So I finally started playing Dragon Age II and so far I'm really enjoying it.  I loved the default look for the female Hawke, so I stuck with that (she looks a lot like Morrigan, actually).  Playing as a warrior, since I've been in a soldier/warrior mode for a while now.  Odd, since I used to play more in the ranger/rogue class back when I was younger.

I think more than 6 hours were spent doing that today.  Didn't feel like it.

Dream

Woke up from a dream which featured past people and such.  Which is probably why I am having difficulty falling back asleep.

Fuck I am tired though.  I'll have to put something on to distract my thoughts so I could get back to sleep.  Sad that I do that, but it is the reason I go to bed while watching something at least 90 percent of the time.

I hope this is coherent enough.  I'm trying really hard for it to make some sense and have no typos.  I'm fucking stupid when I'm deadass tired though.

I want to buy more stuff.  Speakers, a leather jacket, and more art prints, to be precise.

I also want to get back into playing video games more often again.  This break was supposed to be allocated to doing that, but I was distracted by Supernatural and my own laziness (yes, I was so lazy that even playing a video game seemed like too much work).  They actually do help me forget about other stuff.  I miss when I was actually really good at them.  Which was probably high school/freshman year of undergrad.

There's an arcade in Binghamton I've been meaning to check out.  I'll go when I head back up next week.

I should really buy some textbooks too, shouldn't I.

More of the same crap

I'm really tired of feeling sick to my stomach all the damn time.  That disgusting knot has made itself a comfortable room in there, and I really wish I could be rid of it.  As much as I try to tell myself that I no longer care, the physical reactions I involuntarily have to new things - updates, perhaps - remind me that I do still care, on some level.  It's more of a "ha ha fuck you thinking that you're okay because you're not okay." And the scariest thing is that I don't know when I will be.

A few months ago, I wholeheartedly believed that I would be completely alright by now.  Or at least, as alright as I once was.  Which was still a whole lot of self-loathing fucked up-ness, in a way, but it was not as loud and much easier to hide and manage.  I just...haven't been able to get a grip on it.  For almost a year now, it has been like that.  You'd think I would have been able to get back on track by now.  But I haven't been.

The worthlessness I see in myself...I don't know how to get rid of that mentality.

I try.  I've been trying.  I take what others tell me and attempt to completely believe their words.  I look back  at my past relationship and try to listen to others when they tell me I did nothing wrong.  And I believe that.

But I don't believe I am memorable.  Or remarkable.  In any way.  How could he have gotten over me so fast if I wasn't as worthless as I always feel?

I realize that I should not revolve my self-worth around him.  Truthfully, I do not.  His actions are evidence to how I already felt about myself.

Though, it is somewhat astonishing to me that he - who all of my friends and family deem a huge piece of shit - is the one whose actions I look at, because they reinforce my own image.  I ignore my family and friends and the possible worth they see in me because it is unfathomable to me, I suppose.

I am incredibly envious of people who like themselves.

Truly, I am.  Because I never really have.

Curious

Curiosity is going to kill me, or something.

I dislike that I'm still physically affected.  I see something different, and I get hot and shake and my stomach drops and I feel nauseous.  And I imagine.  Oh, do I imagine.  Even if I don't actually know any truths.

I'm all caught up on Supernatural; ready for the new episode on Wednesday.


I don't really have many updates, minus the whole appetite thing not getting better.  I still feel as though it hasn't gotten any better, and may be going in the opposite direction.  My counselor once told me that she thinks I've gotten so used to being hungry that I don't actually notice it anymore, and only want to eat when I am practically starving.  I think that is accurate, honestly.

I'm re-reading The Hobbit, also.  It's been a while.

Since I started on the medication I've actually not had a day where I feel really bad or anything.  Although it has not really been that long, it is kind of nice.  I hope it actually is helping and isn't some kind of placebo thing that might go away after a while.  I'll still need to call my doctor sometime this week, as she told me to, but I'm hoping this continues the way it has been.

The only thing is that I feel as though it isn't really helping my appetite as much as I thought it would.  On the contrary, I feel like my appetite has decreased even more, rather than increased, as it was supposed to.  It might be nothing; it might be even too early to tell anything, and all of this is in my head.  That's also possible!  I'm really not sure.  I'm not good at this whole thing, and like I've said in the past, I'm not a fan of self-diagnosis.


I'm planning on heading back up to Binghamton a week from Monday.  Which is a week before classes start, but I was hoping to settle back in and be able to hang out with people before I need to get back into doing a ton of work and everything again.

Puppies

I want to play in a pile of puppies. 

Really, I just want a dog of some sort.  I've never had an animal companion before. 

And puppies are the cutest things in existence. 

Hopefully, with new apartment will come a puppers.


Yes, the only point of this post is to talk about my desire for a dog.

Mac vs. PC

So my dad and I went to lunch, and we were talking about the whole "iphone vs. android" and "mac vs. pc" thing and everything.  I'm firmly in the android/pc camp, but I realized a lot of times my answer for why is more of a "well...my friends in comp sci all unanimously say that android and pc is better SO THERE" and I don't really know the finer differences between the two.  Besides that, for me, they can do the same shit but I'll get a great pc for half the price a low-end mac would cost.

Still.

My bias towards computer scientists shows; kinda take their word for everything.

Maybe I should go back to that website to try and teach myself programming.  I stopped because my own workload got to be a little too much, but it remains a skill I wish I had.  Unfortunately, programming was incredibly difficult for me to grasp.

Apparently there is some plagiarism issue with one of my students.  I haven't taken a look at it quite yet, or responded to my professor about it, so I really should do that soon.  If not today, then definitely tomorrow.  I woke up with a headache so I might put it off until I feel alright again.


I picked up medication and started on it yesterday.  My doctor would prefer if I let someone upstate know what I'm taking and why, just in case it ends up actually making things worse rather than better.  Both of my parents know, so at least there is that, but she said she'd like it if I had someone physically close to me that I trust knowing as well, so I could go to him or her.


There are Supernatural prints I kind of want.  I should maybe get them.


The other day, my mom told me I have to try and let go of my anger.  In respect to several people.  That is difficult.

Persona 4 Arena is a lot of fun.

I'm really tempted to get it.


I'm tired why am I still downstairs where it is fucking freezing.

Why do these things require a post I don't even know.

Cosplay

You know, I wouldn't mind trying to be Death for an Otakon cosplay.  I'm sure plenty of those con-goers watch Supernatural.

I just wonder if I could pull off an ancient badass who is probably the most powerful person on that show.

Plus, Death would be substantially easier to do than Teresa.  While I would love to be her, I might put her off until I can figure out how to properly construct her armour.  And when I have more time to think about something like that.

I don't know.  I need to toss some ideas around.  Plus, I don't know if Death is iconic enough to be recognized without a Dean, Sam, or Castiel around me.

Just thoughts.  I do need to figure out who I'm going to be.

Had a talk with my mom about stuff, though left out some details that I leave out for practically everyone.  Both of my parents know that I'll be getting medication, though I don't think they understand that I feel like I actually do need it and everything.  But regardless, they're on board, so to say.

Speaking of, talked with both my counselor and my doctor, so I think everything should be straightened out by tomorrow and all.

I think I ate too much, even though I didn't really eat a great amount.  But still.


On season 7 of Supernatural.  Didn't like season 6 as much as 4 or 5, but still really enjoyed it.  It's hard to top all those angels and demons and everything in those two seasons.  Especially the angels.  Fuck, do I love them.  Even if most of them are asshats.

Tired and rambling

I'm tired and have no one to talk to so I guess talking to this will be sufficient.  Once again this is probably something that should go in my private journal but.  I don't know.  Sometimes I hope people will see some of this.  And maybe help me.  And the worst part is that I know all of this sounds emo and overly dramatic, but...it really isn't.

It's not.  It's serious.  It's a problem.  And every time I think it gets better, I'm slammed with this feeling.


I feel sick to my stomach.  The reason why this came on all of a sudden escapes me, truly, but it is fucking annoying.

Sometimes I...fantasize.  About something awful.

Truthfully...I just want to be able to tell someone everything.  Even my drunken hysterical rambling to my friends didn't open the door the entire way.  I've never let anyone truly in entirely.  I'm afraid to.

I both want to, and don't want to.

Telling someone everything would be...relieving, in its own right.

But telling someone would also expose me, and would probably cause that someone to turn his or her back on me.


I'm weak.  I feel hopeless.

If I were religious, I would be praying.

I bought The Room on dvd last night and I'm far too excited for it to show up at my door on Wednesday.  I'll wait until I get back to watch it, though.  It'll be a fun time, having a screening of that with friends and all.

Hung around with Danny this weekend, which was an awesome time.  Plus, he validated some of my feelings and...honestly that is always good for me to hear, since I constantly question myself and the emotions and how I should take everything, and all.  I miss him throughout the year when I don't get to see him or talk to him as much as I want.

He's been playing Halo 4, which fuels my desire to get it and to play in on Live and everything.  I haven't played anything really in a while (with the exception of Portal 2 for a little with my dad), and I really do want to.  It's really just that even playing a game is more work than I've been in the mood to do.  Really...sad, on my part.  Maybe if I get through all of Supernatural, then I'll be more in the mood.  (But by the time that happens, I'll probably have to go back to school, and we all know what that means.)

I've still yet to call my doctor/counselor about stuff, but I'll have to do that tomorrow.  I've been putting it off because I don't like talking about it, but I really need to get things taken care of as soon as possible.

Pants

It is weird getting pants that actually fit me, since all of the ones I have are too big for me.  Too big has become the new normal.

I had to get a size 0.

Never have I - after becoming fully grown, at least - had to look for that size.

It's not something I'm particularly happy with.

Sometimes I hate when I think about London, because I become sad about the fact that I have this feeling I'll never be able to go back there for an extended period of time.  Sure, I have plans on visiting, definitely, but at most it will probably only be around a week or two if I'm lucky.

I started looking at flights for spring/summer break, but they're so very expensive...

In my head, one of my ideal futures is getting a position as a professor over there when I'm finished over here, but that seems to be less and less likely.  If I major in American, I probably will never be able to get a position abroad.  If I major in comparative...there's more of a chance, but why would a U.K. institution take a comparativist from the U.S. when they probably have plenty of their own?  Plus, I was a little discouraged when I was talking with one of the older students; he said that it is best - regardless of some others' opinions - to have a country/area of study.  When I replied enthusiastically with the United Kingdom being that for me, he told me I needed to pick a non-English speaking country, or whatnot.  And that, with that, I need to learn a second language.

I do want to learn another language, so that wasn't so discouraging; what was was hearing that the area I want to study isn't...marketable enough.

Which I honestly don't understand; the U.K. is the country people seem to refer to the most especially when discussing parliamentary regimes.  Why wouldn't it be important to study in-depth?

Really...I just want to go back there.  Looking at pictures of it makes me incredibly sad.


My other ideal fantasy is getting a job at my undergrad institution, mostly because I like the area and how small it is.  But that's also probably not going to happen, unless I can convince them to change their department from politics to political science and add in some statistical analysis and game theory.  Which...could be an interesting discussion.  Maybe I'll try to start lobbying for it now; there is an alumni weekend in June I could go to.   Besides, it'd be nice to see professors at some point; I only got to see students on homecoming weekend.

But I really don't need to think about that right now.  It is only January, after all.

Either my doctor didn't call in the medication, or something happened, because the pharmacy didn't have it, nor did they have it on record or whatnot.

So I'm going to have to call her, or something.  And my counselor, too, for a information release request thing, or something like that.

Grades

My last grade was posted, and I received an A.  So huzzah for a 4.0 for my first semester in grad school.


I need to run to the pharmacy for my medication.  I was relying on both my parents going out for my younger sister's parent-teacher conferences so I could just head out without saying anything, but my mom ended up not going.  I'm really not in the mood to have a discussion right now about this or anything, but I need to go pick up those pills tonight.  I already didn't yesterday, when I probably should have.

I'll go in a bit.  I do really want to start.

More Supernatural

The actual title of this entry should be "in which Allie fangirls a little over Death."

I rewatched the last few episodes of season 5 because my mom was watching, and I really hope we see Death more often in later seasons because...well let's just say in the first five seconds of his introductory scene (when I first watched it), I was very "holy fuck what a badass."  Watching it again produced the same feeling and reaction.

Plus, anyone who claims the overall insignificance of the main villain while also pretty much calling him a bratty child (while having the power to do so, basically, because of how old and universal and all-powerful he is) is going to be a bamf in my eyes.

I was trying to wait until my parents caught up to me to go on, but I might watch one or two episodes of season six tonight, maybe.  I'm really wondering how they can go on after this?  I mean, how can you top that ending?

I guess we'll see!  I want to catch up to what is on tv right now.

Supernatural

Just finished season 5, and holy fuck was it good.  Sad, but awesome.

My parents will probably want to watch it tomorrow; I kind of jumped ahead of them.  Couldn't really help myself, honestly.


There's something I am pondering; I think I may have misjudged.  I don't really know if I'm overthinking, or if I'm seeing the actual truth.  And the idea that I have misjudged once again makes me feel sick.

Resolution

Try to be happier.