It's been a long time.

I'm sitting at my friend's place and I should be happy because I never get to see her and this hell year is finally ending but instead I feel sad and empty and borderline resentful of things.

I will blame it on the fact that my medication has been not in my system for over a week because they didn't come to my place before I left for the Island and my moods have been fuck all and I haven't been feeling well physically.

Lawl I love that I revive this to bitch about my mood. I'm the worst.

Also I found out that my department's two secretaries are Trump supporters so they're officially dead to me.

I spent yesterday grieving, if you could call it that, and today I'm back on my feet.

I'm angry with my own profession; we all were so convinced of things going the other way that perhaps we were blinded by the truth and the fickleness of human psychology.

Maybe that is also contributing to the state of shock I feel; we were all convinced, and we were all wrong.

I'm ashamed of white women in particular; we failed our sisters of color by voting in large margins for such an awful misogynist.  Then again, most of these particular white women probably come from older generations so I shouldn't be terribly surprised.  Still though, it is shameful.

There is nothing more I could have done, I know, but I still wish I could have done something more.  The comfort I have in all of this is that my state went blue, and my state's biggest city is one of many that are protesting right now.  If I could, I would be with them.

Maybe I should head down one day, and stop my own free riding.

I am in a state of shock right now.

Truly, I did not want to believe that America would show itself to be as racist, xenophobic, sexist, homophobic, etc., as it has today.  I truly believed the fact that we would have our first female president - a woman who has dedicated her life to politics and who is more qualified for the position than anyone else who sought the position for this particular cycle - and show that we have come a long way and are progressing as a nation.

I tried to tell myself, during those times where I feared the worst, that the president doesn't have nearly as much power as people think.  While that is still 100% accurate, I wonder how a unified Republican government will actually respect the constraints of the office.

When one of my first fears is "shit, I signed a very public document with other political scientists that condemned him and the idea of his presidency, is something going to happen to me," I'm not sure if that is paranoia or if that is a legitimate fear due to his claiming that he will jail his political opponent and due to the fact that his supporters all want him to do just that.

I am a hypocrite; I constantly complain about the existence of the filibuster in the Senate and yet right now I am more than thankful that it exists, and I hope that the Democrats use it as much as the Republicans have in the past few years.  I hope they block everything that could possibly hurt people like me, people like my friends, people who are already oppressed, and more.  I want the gloves to come off, and for them to use every institution they possibly can in order to prevent as many terrible pieces of legislation as possible from coming into law.

So many people voted for this man, and that frightens me greatly.  A man who has openly talked about sexually assaulting women, who has been accused of doing just that by more than a few women, who talks about women as sexual objects who exist only to please men with their appearance...has defeated the first and most qualified female candidate that we ever could have hoped for at this time.  It is tragically poetic, in a weird sense.  That such a misogynist could be elected over a woman who is far more qualified shouldn't be surprising...we women face that bullshit every single day.  Still though, it is tragic - people would rather have that man...that screaming, lying, racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic garbage mess of a human being as their commander-in-chief than have a woman in the oval office.

Sure, I could claim that partisan identification is strong, and that is partially what this election shows.  And it does show that, in its own way.  But is also sends a strong message to so many marginalized groups: that people hate us.

I know people will claim that Clinton did not lose because she is a woman, and I will scoff at them.  The amount of hatred and vitriol that has been lobbied at her for things that, let's be real, were actually not a huge deal (especially in comparison to the alternative) can all (or at least mostly) be boiled down to her gender.  Whether overtly or covertly, sexism was at the forefront of this election and called it against her.

To those who voted third party, particularly in swing states, your ideological purity has come at a great price, and I do partially blame you for this outcome.  It must be nice to sit there and claim you "voted your conscious" while millions of Americans all across the country are terrified of what the future holds now.

The amount of support that this person and this platform has generated sickens me.  People will claim that "well at least I didn't vote for Clinton because she is [insert generic or sexist insult here]," but you fail to understand that you vote for a platform.  You vote for policy.  And you just gave a mandate to the Republican government that you want the sexist, xenophobic, racist, homophobic, etc., policies that they have been expressing.  Voting third party is nonsense in our system.  Then again, we focus too much on the individual candidates and not on their policy platforms, so I suppose it isn't surprising that people decided to vote third party even though their policy ideals are closer to Clinton than the alternative.

I have already seen people claim that "if Bernie was the nominee this wouldn't have happened."  Maybe.  You don't know that, and we cannot know for sure.  But the fact that people are lying back on that rather than saying "if America wasn't so disgustingly sexist this wouldn't have happened" makes me somewhat sad.  It will fuel more hatred of Clinton, because it reads "despite all the garbage that has been piled on you, largely for no reason (mostly sexism), we blame you for this loss."  Plus I do find it interesting that those people fall back on claiming, basically, that if she were a man she would have won.

You can sit there and claim that it is about their positions and that Bernie "isn't corrupt" etc., but that is all ignoring the fact that her ideological position is basically the same as his.  That is ignoring the fact that her "corruption" has mostly been blown out of the water by people who legitimately hate the fact that she is a powerful woman and they did not want to see a woman in charge of the United States.

Trump scares me.  The Republican party platform scares me.   But even more than both of those things is the fact that such a man and such a platform have significant support.  We can no longer claim that it is only a minority of people who are so openly sexist, racist, xenophobic, homophobic, etc., when this was the result of our election.  No, those people exist and have given enormous political power and political legitimacy to those very ideas.

As an lgbt woman, basically, this election just reminded me that people hate me.  They hate me for who I am, and desire policy that will reduce my rights.  And they reminded me that people hate my friends who are people of color.

People hate us.  Not just a small amount of people, too.

I wish I could end this on some sort of positive note, but I cannot find the words to show any sort of optimism because of how heavy my heart feels at the moment.  All I can say is this: to all of you who are scared right now...all of you women, all of you in the lgbt community, all of you people of color, all of you of non-Christian religions, and more...I am with you, and I love you.  And I know one person saying that means little right now, but I hope that we can all at least come together to help each other during this time.

I feel like I am about to have a panic attack.

I have a really weird anxiety about cooking while other people are around, for some reason.

Even if it is just me putting stuff in the oven, I tend to dislike when I do it in front of people, especially people I don't know very well.

Like, I can cook stuff in front of family, sure, but for some reason I get weird about it even with my roommates.

Like, one of my roommates has people over right now and I'm having a weird crisis because I need to eat dinner but my anxiety is just flaring and saying that I can't make anything in front of them.

Ahhhhhh.

It's weird.

A lot has been going on.

I've been really busy with the Dean's office, so much that it has kind of put my own work on hold.  I was supposed to have a good chunk of my paper written already and it is unfortunately still in outline stage.  I'll have to try and whip up something by Wednesday to show my adviser...

NYCC was a blast!  I found a print of Simon which I wasn't expecting and he's my fave AA character so I threw money at the artist immediately.

Unfortunately lately I've been extremely tired.  Like, I get 8+ hours of sleep and I wake up feeling like I only got like...3.  It has put a pin in my overall productivity that I would like to get back.

It might have to do slightly with the fact that I've been feeling emotionally drained.  My friend's fiance is...well he's a piece of shit.  We've all become aware of some things that have come to light and I have been trying to help out my friend as much as possible.  And I'll continue to do so, gladly...my only concern is that he seems as though he is going to leave and then I find out that he isn't because his fiance is a textbook manipulator and is great at pulling his strings.

Like the whole situation reminds me of my situation with my ex.  Except my ex had the decency to not get back together with me - the one thing I am grateful for in that whole shitstorm that occurred between us.

But everything he is saying just screams emotional abuse to me, and I feel like I'm staring at myself from 5 (4??) years ago, begging her not to succumb to the love in her heart.  And it hurts so much because I know what it feels like to be in the situation he is in (for the most part, there are some things that have occurred that I cannot truly understand).  To want to help your partner and love them and feel like you need to be there for them.  That what you want and what you need comes second, because you are the one who is "doing better" when that isn't even accurate.

You want to stay because you have become convinced that this is the best you'll ever do.

You want to stay because you love them, even if all they do is hurt you.

You don't want to let go, because you have an idealistic vision of who they are in your head.  One that they crafted before showing their true selves.  And you think that if you can just get through this, that vision will return.

But it won't.  Because it doesn't exist.

And I'm torn.

Because I understand what it is like to feel all those emotions and to want to listen to them.

But I also know that it does get better eventually.

I have had depression for a long time, and yes, a good chunk of issues stemmed from my failed relationship with the ex.  But that wasn't all of it.  Grad school, my own perfectionism and unattainable standards...they all contributed as well.

But my want and need for the ex eventually disappeared.

Do scars remain?  Yeah, no doubt.  Am I still afraid of certain things because of what I went through with him?  Absolutely.

But for now, I'm content with being single again.  It took a while, but I'm here.

So when I see my friend constantly talk about "working things out" with his fiance, even though I know that these things will not work out like that...it is just extremely painful to watch.

If I have to be the voice that counters the one his fiance is most likely saying, then I will be.

I can't tell him what to do, but I can at least do that, I suppose.

I just want him to be happy, and staying in a relationship that is emotionally abusive will never allow that to occur.  

Stupidly, I got into a political argument on facebook with cousins.

After trying to calmly explain my issue with comparing a super successful female politician to a guy who just entered politics in terms of their qualifications for president (stressing that I was not talking about policy whatsoever), I was immediately attacked because I dared to say that I liked Clinton (and even admitted my own bias about that).

When I countered some...incorrect stuff, I was hit with more incorrect stuff that showed me that no one listened to the first things I said, even though I was trying to be like "hey, look, you're saying some stuff that factually isn't true...I actually know what I'm talking about because I'm a political scientist so maybe don't dismiss me so easily."

Which culminated in me getting continually ignored, and then finally (in my frustration), I said that I shouldn't talk politics to non-political scientists anymore, which basically led to people calling me out as being super elitist (in all but those words) and then people actually basically said that my degree and my education means nothing.

So yeah, I ended up defriending cousins today.

Because fuck you for saying that my four years worth of suffering to become an expert in this field amounts to nothing.

All I said was that I have views on the system itself that kind of show that you're not correct about how the system itself works, but nah man, let's ignore the person who studies this for a living in favor of our own narrative.


It did hurt, actually.  I don't care if you disagree with me on policy.  But don't tell me that my degree and my knowledge are worthless, basically.

I hate being startled awake out of a super vivid dream, because then it feels like I haven't slept at all and it is super frustrating.

Dream did involve the ex, but involved me getting to know his gf and we ended up being super tight and then kind of got into a physical fight with him and while I know that would never happen it was cathartic in the dream.  Idk man.

Not really sure why I still have dreams of him, but they are fewer and farther (further?) in-between than they once were, which is good.

I just wish that instead my brain would have let me sleep.

Like I feel as though I'm a zombie right now.

ALSO I JUST REALIZED I never announced/put in here that my prospectus has been passed and I'm officially ABD and that is exciting.

Overall, August was pretty good to me, actually.  I guess 2016 decided to throw me a bone since the rest of the months have been so shitty.

On Wednesday, I had a nice chat (while getting ice cream) with my friend about his being absent from my life for the past...year, which I had attributed to his finding a girlfriend and everything.  He explained to me some really bad stuff that has been happening to him throughout this year, and while I said that I understand more than most this idea of feeling so sad that you don't want to do anything, I wish he would have told me at least that (I remarked that the details I wouldn't need to know, if he didn't want to express them), because him not saying anything to me and just kind if disappearing made me jump to the conclusion that his having a girlfriend he doesn't need to complain about made me obsolete and everything.  And that I was basically afraid that he no longer saw use of me/liked me because I know I'm not the most fun person in the world and stuff, so if I couldn't help out with something, then what good am I to him?

He insisted that it was nothing like that at all, and he still considers me one of his best friends up here.  I was able to express my distaste over everything that has gone on in the department in the past year, and he admitted that things could have been handled much better than they have been, which I appreciated.  

I did say that if he ever wanted to just hang out and watch stuff, that I'm always down for doing that.  (I mean, college roommate was here Friday-Monday morning and we basically spent all day on Sunday watching season 1 of Steven Universe!  Also yes, she was here and it was wonderful, though it was also sad when I had to watch her leave...there is a comfort with her that I don't really have with many people that is kind of on a extra level...if that makes sense.)  Or if he just wanted someone to talk with or anything, that I am there for him and everything.

So, hopefully I'll see more of him...that would be nice.

Callie woke me up at around 4:45 because she had diarrhea...which I stepped in while opening my bedroom door.

It was gross.

So my Friday has already been interesting.

Also! I passed my prospectus defense! More on that maybe later.

updates

Hey there blogger, it has been a while.

Things have actually been...overall decent, with some exceptions.

After a summer of not having much inspiration to work,, I had an epiphany of sorts which kind of reworked my entire thesis into something I actually really like, because it is new and exciting and is actually a theory and involves game theory modeling and formal mathematical stuff and uses principal-agency with gender and I really am excited about it.  Which is weird and foreign and awesome.  Like, I really enjoy talking about it and I like the whole idea (even if the theory is moderately depressing from a real-world standpoint...from an academic standpoint it is great though lawl).  My adviser has even said that he wishes he thought of it and it is something he doesn't think anyone has ever even tried doing before (and that's even before I take gender into account, which I am still doing); my base model is something new and that is kind of a big deal since I spent so long trying to figure out what I wanted and where I wanted to go with my dissertation.

I finally have something I am really excited about.

So, I'm defending my prospectus on Tuesday; so far I've been told that I should pass, especially since everyone seems really into my ideas and everything, so I'm trying to not get too nervous.  I actually think the excitement about the theory is overriding my nervousness/anxiety right now, because I'm just kind of stoked about having my entire committee in one room so I can gush about this whole idea.  I'm sure they'll criticize and try and help and everything, but I'm hoping they won't be overly harsh to me at this moment in time.  I really don't want to get discouraged about it right at the beginning.  (Which is a reason I picked the adviser I did, since he has always been encouraging and offered constructive criticism without getting too harsh; although I'm technically an Americanist first, he is comparative, but my base stuff with principal-agency and game theory isn't specific to the U.S.; one of the applications will be, but I guess in a way this is a comparative-American hybrid project...which I like.)

Also on Tuesday I start my adjunct position up at a community college in Syracuse!  Despite that I said I didn't want to TA this semester, I decided that actually having my own class would be preferable (plus there is extra money involved, which I always need).  It means I get to set the schedule and the assignments and all that stuff, and the class only meets once a week for a little less than three hours and only has I think 14 people in it.  I'm curious how it will go, and I am kind of nervous about taking the helm and everything, but I actually want to try and set this class up to be fun and not overly difficult.

We'll see; I still need to finalize the syllabus and everything.  The first week's class should be short, considering it is just an introductory class and I won't have given them any material to read or anything like that.


Gishwhes this year was a lot of fun, but I sadly got really sick during it so wasn't able to do as much as I would have liked.  But my team was amazing and creative and I was able to get out a few things in the last two days.

Likewise, Otakon was fun, though I felt like it went by extremely fast this year for some reason.  I was slightly disappointed that I wasn't able to stay in my Blackquill costume as long as I would have liked though...it was just too hot to keep on for very long.  But it turned out amazing, and people responded super well to it.

Got more prints I have no wall space for, so I'm getting an art portfolio thing to put them in because I am a looooooser.


Some bad stuff though: on the way home from Ota, I was super sleepy, so I let my sister drive.  Unfortunately I fell asleep long enough so she passed the exit to the Verrazano (my preferred exit) and was heading to the GWB.  But there was traffic that way; she I think got frustrated and tried to switch lanes at some point, and wasn't paying attention to the person in front of her (looking in the rear-view mirror) and crashed into them.

Luckily, no one was hurt and the air bags didn't deploy or anything, but Junior was a little wrecked on the driver's side, so he had to get towed and my dad had to come get us at the nearest rest stop.  She was very apologetic, of course, and was panicking throughout the whole thing so I tried my best to stay as calm as possible.  I have great insurance though, because Junior is a lease, so everything should be covered minus the $500 deductible, which is good.

My mom let me take her car back up to Binghamton at least, since she knew I had a ton of things I had to get done.


Also, I'm watching roommate's cat this weekend and she has been super bitchy to the point where I have no idea how to discipline her?  Like, I just tried moving her at one point and she tried biting me (and not in the playful way that she does with me at times), and then she ran up to Callie and started hissing and swiping at her face even though Callie wasn't doing anything to her and was legit just sitting there minding her own business.  And basically, if she goes after Callie without merit we have a serious problem.

Now, I have zero idea how to discipline a cat, so in these moments I treat her like a dog?  As in, my voice gets low and stern and I kind of stare her down and I did some semblance of a faceplant and I'm wondering if that is helping or hurting.  I mean, she didn't do anything like that again after I did it, so I'm not sure.  I know dogs and cats do not have the same mentality, so I shouldn't necessarily treat the cat like a dog, but I'm also more concerned with how my dog sees me than the cat?  And if the cat is causing trouble in my room (Callie's space as well), I feel this weird need to assert myself as still alpha so the whole order doesn't get screwed up.

I dunno, maybe I'm also just like "no, I'm not dealing with this bitchiness," because I'm not a cat person (despite having lived with and enjoyed cats before) and so I'm less willing to put up with that stuff.


Speaking of, I got a new roommate!  She is a first year in the program and so far she has been super nice and cool and stuff, and I just hope I don't annoy her too much.


Oh, and there is some very very awesome stuff with fam that I can't say right now because it was requested that no one says anything just yet so I'll even refrain from saying it here but it is good.


I'm probably missing some stuff here and there but you get the picture.


I do need to get back to the gym and mma soon.      

I just spent too much money getting some summer exclusive pops and I have zero regrets about it.

I am an adult.


Also I really need to actually keep my word about writing in here more again.  Blergh.

I really want to play Pokemon Go but my sister uses up basically all our data (we are on a shared data plan that isn't unlimited because lol Verizon) so I haven't really been able to.

And then I called her out on it and she basically said that I'm always in wifi so it's okay and got mad that I was upset about it.

And now, I feel bad about wanting just a little bit more data usage to try out Pokemon go. :/

I am super over having roommates.

I am tired of being their parent who needs to tell them to clean or use common fucking sense sometimes.

I am tired of leaving the house looking nice and returning to it looking like garbage and smelling awful, and being the one to do a scrubdown of everything.

I am tired of having situations where I do so much more work than everyone else and I'm stuck in a situation where I am embarrassed to have people over because of the state of the house. Despite the fact that I spent so much time cleaning.

I am just tired of it.

My house looks fucking boss right now.

Over the last three days I've gutted and cleaned my room, the bathroom, and the living room.

I am pleased.

I've been having bad dreams the past few days.

Last night's involved the murder of my super bright and super optimistic cousin, who is far more worthy of life than I ever will be, and the details surrounding her funeral and me making some comments that people apparently thought offensive (I think I said the person I first thought of when I heard the news was my sister, since she and my cousin are so close, and for some reason people really didn't like that) which made everyone angry with me and kind of gave me no one to grieve with.  Not that I was able to even figure out how to do that...I kind of stayed in an emotionless state.  Well...maybe emotionless isn't the right word.  More like I appeared that way because I couldn't figure out the best way to outwardly process anything.

Unfortunately, this is the second night in a row I've had dreams of death and murder.  I can't really remember the night before's, because there was one dream of several.

One involved the ex, actually.

It was weird and shocking and actually involved us getting back together in this weird way that I knew was wrong but also me shrugging everything off with an "I don't care," but not in the way that one feels when they're in love and they don't care what others have to say.  It was more that I was so hollow and empty that I just didn't give a shit about the warnings people were giving me, because perhaps I thought I deserved all of that garbage.

I don't really think that one was about the ex and I, but more about my own self-esteem.  Or lack thereof, more accurately.  That I've been so down that the prospect of returning to any sort of relationship like the one he and I had (read: actually awful and manipulative) is the one that I deserve because I have so much self-hatred.

I probably ought to talk about this with my parents, but it is also Father's Day so I should try to at least pretend to be happy.

I didn't get a gift because I suck and couldn't think of what to get for him.

Once again I did nothing all day because I'm a lazy sack of shit.

I don't know why I don't just get my ass up and do things.

I hate looking at job listings.

Because I'm convinced that I can't do anything that anyone would want.

And academia is so suffocating that the idea of even working on my research right now (which I should be fucking doing if I want to defend my prospectus by August) is daunting.

I haven't even thought about it since I've been on Long Island.

orlando

(Might crosspost to facebook but I'm not entirely sure yet.)

I wanted to write something more substantial, because I'm in a state of both shock and unsurprise.  Of having so many feelings, and yet also feeling so very numb.

While some of my friends may know, others might not, because I don't think I have ever said these particular words out loud: I identify as lgbtqa+.  Really, I would give the actual label of my identification, if I knew what it was; it has always been a subject that I was never very sure of myself, and it has only been somewhat recently that I've allowed myself to talk about it more openly, if only online at times.  Right now, I just usually say that my sexuality is fluid.

But, I am decidedly not straight.  That I do know.

I hope this does not read as though I'm pulling a card, as if to say that I have more authority to speak than others do, because that is not my intention.  What I do hope is that it shines some more light on how closely I feel about what has occurred, and why I repeatedly ask for the things I ask for.

When I ask for representation in media, yes, it is so that I can see someone more like myself in the fictional worlds that I love so much.  Whenever I see bisexual women, especially, I tend to become ecstatic (I believe when How To Get Away With Murder's Annalise Keating was revealed to be bisexual, I screamed.  Likewise, when Korrasami became endgame canon in The Legend of Korra, I almost cried).

But there is more to it.  It is also so that everyone else will see someone like me on their televisions.  They will see a hero they love, and perhaps some of them will not hate him or her for their queerness.  It is why I would love to see Captain America and Dean Winchester come out as bisexual.  Why I would love for Poe Dameron to be gay.  Why I would enjoy Rey being asexual, or polyamorous.  Why more trans characters are needed who are heroic and yet flawed, just like Sophia Burset.

I want everyone to see these characters they love and to continue loving them and recognize that who they are attracted to, or what kind of attraction they have, does not affect the content of their character.  They are heroic and brave and selfless and kind, while also having the ability to be flawed and proud and stubborn.

That these characters are human.      

It is why I become angry when I constantly see lgbtqa+ characters killed on television, or when their romances end in sudden tragedy, like Clarke and Lexa.  When I see strong characters reduced to their sexuality, fodder for anti-lgbtqa+ and stereotypical tropes, such as Loras Tyrell (show only, as the book does him great justice).  Because it sends a message: that we in the lgbtqa+ community are expendable.  That our lives are destined to end tragically.  That we are slaves to our whims, and cannot act rationally because of them.

I need lgbtqa+ characters to be shown, not implied, like Dumbledore.

I need more Annalise Keatings.  More Korras and Asami Satos.  More characters like Pearl, Ruby, and Sapphire.  More princes in love, like Damen and Laurent, or Achilles and Patroclus.

I need more people to see that we are human, and to love us.

Representation is important; everyone consumes some form of fiction.  We fall in love with characters from all types of genres.  We identify with them, see ourselves in them...see the people we want to be in them.

I believe in the power of fiction as a medium to spread love and understanding.

I want more straight people to see the qualities they love in queer characters.

Because then, maybe, just maybe, some of those who hate us, can learn to love us instead.      

There are things that make me jealous or just sad but in a weird, almost vindictive way, and I know they shouldn't.

For example - seeing my friends with their significant others sharing I guess a day and they write in how much they miss this other couple.

I have noticed that them wanting to hang out with me (besides one of them) has significantly declined since getting into relationships and it just feels awesome.  (Sarcasm mode engaged.)

I shouldn't be surprised, really.  It isn't like I'm likable and do things that they really like to do or anything.  I'm too...I don't know...introverted, I suppose.  Or nerdy.  Or both.

It just hurts, especially since the one who got a girlfriend has basically shown me over and over that he couldn't give two fucks about me anymore since getting said girlfriend, despite his insistence that he would make time for me and everything.

Ha.  Funny.

Yeah, I'm being petty.  I ought to just be happy that they're having fun.

I'm terrible, aren't I?

In the next few days, I'm going to try reviving this guy and getting back to blogging stuff.  Because I do think it is something that helps me and something that I should do again.

Even if it is just me randomly talking about stupid shit that doesn't really have any particular ~deeper~ meaning.

Just writing something everyday will be good for me again, I think.

I seriously can't bring myself to care enough about tomorrow's class to prepare anything for it.

Oh well.

My parents surprise-visited me yesterday because they wanted to continue talking about the stuff that I finally revealed to them and everything.

We ended up taking Callie to the dog park, and while she was running around in the water we sat on a bench and I was able to explain more of my mentality and everything.  They asked if this was driven a lot by the ex, because to them it appeared as if I was super self-confident and everything prior to that.  I said that he was more a catalyst than a cause, and that most of the time I was putting up a front to cover up my deep self-doubt/self-loathing.

At one point I was talking about my "good traits," that I needed to list, and I explained that I basically couldn't answer that.  That I had responded with "I guess I'm a good student...and I can write at times."  And that was the part that almost got my mom to start crying (though she tried to hold back I think for my sake, but she did say that she wanted to cry), because she then started saying that I was a good daughter and sister and person and I think hearing that I think so little of myself was...jarring, if that is the right word for it.

She (and my dad agreed) said that she knew I was unhappy, but didn't realize that it was this bad.

They reiterated that I always have a place at home, and if I have to go home and not work for a while and just get better then that would be okay and I shouldn't worry about money or working or anything like that right now.

Apparently also my sisters are worried about me, which was surprising.  Not because I don't think they care, but because I didn't think I gave them reason to, I guess.  I thought I had hid some things better.  Or I just didn't think I came up in conversation, really.

But...I mean.  They know things now, which is probably for the best.

After considering the advice from my doctor, I finally told parents about darker thoughts/suicidal ideation stuff.

I kind of feel numb right now.  I was hoping it would be a weight lifted off but right now I feel this weird dread, like maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

Of course they were both very supportive as always but.

I guess it is the anxiety talking, saying that I should have kept my mouth shut and dealt with it.

We'll see how I feel in the morning.


Also I'm still a bit annoyed with friends, especially after finding out that instead of working like they said (which was the reason they didn't come watch WS before CW), thy were napping.  Like.  Just tell me that instead of lying.

And I don't know.  It hurt.  Cause I wanted it to be a full day of hanging out before Civil War since I had been so excited about this movie for forever (and it was SO GOOD btw, though still doesn't beat out Winter Soldier for me because I love that movie sfm) and we all hadn't hung out like that in a super long time but I guess I'm the only one who cares about that.

Unsurprisingly, friends have bailed on watching Winter Soldier before Civil War.

Kind of annoyed but I'm trying to not let it get to me.

Because Civil War.

So when I'm feeling particularly down and stuff I usually explain my lack of productivity with "I've been feeling sick/feeling unwell," particularly to my students.

And one asked me after class this past week if I was okay, because "you seem to have been getting sick a lot."

And I just kind of stared at her and had to find the words to describe that it was a "chronic condition."

Because saying that I'm so depressed that most days I don't even leave my bed is probably not a great thing.


Also my doctor wants to meet with me more since my suicidal ideations have been resurfacing more than usual.

As usual, I told him that I try to cope with darker thoughts through humor and sarcasm, sometimes saying jokes to friends/family about it...I guess in the hopes that they'll see what is actually wrong with me.

Both he and Nancy have said that getting this degree is not worth my life.


But I tend to think my life isn't worth much, and this is all I've done for the past four years...

I'm afraid to change course again.

I'm afraid to quit.

"Whenever you talk about writing your prospectus or teaching your class, all the joy and life leaves your eyes."

"Your body is telling you how unhappy you are."

Well that meeting just basically ruined the momentum I had going.

Ha, I do love being reminded that I'm forgetful of things and that therefore I won't be able to keep a job because of it.  And that it takes multiple emails to get in contact with me because I would rather just avoid it.

I should just pull the trigger.  I can't even get these little things right and therefore won't be able to do any sort of job or be of any value to society and the only thing I can do right is play video games and sit in bed and occasionally walk my dog.


Wow this little bit of criticism should not be affecting me this much what the fuck.

Yay depression relapses.

So I'm trying to do this mind mapping thing where I list out my skills/strengths and values and enabling skills and whatnot and I'm sitting here just staring blankly because I truly believe that I have no fucking skills whatsoever.

Sure, I guess I can write and edit and occasionally do some math/stats when needed (and after I take that shit home and double check everything to make sure I did it right and even then I probably did some shit wrong because lawl I suck), but I'm supposed to have a list of like...1-2 dozen.

And I'm sure "procrastinating," "playing video games instead of doing actual work," and "hiding from problems" are not exactly skills.


Also, super frustrating: I actually did work for a few hours today but have nothing to show for it because it was all data shit and nothing actually worked so I still have absolutely nothing new for what I'm supposed to present on Wednesday in terms of my prospectus.


I keep saying that things will be "better" after I finish my PhD.  At least after the prospectus is finished.  But, as it has been brought to my attention, I never say how it will be, or why it will be.  I just keep saying that it will be better.

...I'm starting to doubt that.

Really, I'm doubting that I can find passion in anything anymore.  Except video games, at this rate.


Is it worth me being miserable to get this piece of paper?

Then again, will me jumping from this path lead to anything better?  Or is everything just going to remain shitty?

Bought Fire Emblem Fates: Conquest and put it on hard difficultly/classic mode and yet I'm wondering why I can't get past THIS GODDAMN LEVEL.

I got so close (like, to the last turn I needed to defend for) and one of my guys just ends up being A BITCH and dying.

And I hate leaving people dead.

I should just lower the difficulty but I DON'T WANT TO.

So this past week has been kind of awful, mood-wise.  To the point where when I talked to Nancy this week I ended up crying a bit because I've just been feeling miserable and sad and like I'm a worthless sack of shit and that my status quo is to be sad and down and that brief moments of happiness will leave as quickly as they come.

Despite her telling me that I'm awesome and that she wishes I could see that, I just feel awful most of the time.  Like I'm doing everything wrong, and I feel so out of control that I don't want to even bother expending the energy to do things because I'm convinced that the result is going to be terrible.  Why bother trying if it is just going to be shit anyway?

Even eating has been weird...a lot of eating out because I can't even spend the energy to put things in the oven most of the time anymore.  Which sucks, especially since my weight still hasn't gone down or anything and I still feel like a giant sack of shit because of being heavier and not as muscular despite working out.

And I'm in Middletown for the service for my cousin who committed suicide and I can't help but partially envy her, as fucking awful as that sounds.  Because she took the plunge that I at times really want to take but haven't and probably will not.  But that peace and nothingness sounds far more appealing than my miserable status quo.

Though, it is selfish of me to be thinking of my own problems while up here to mourn her.

Heh, I'm such an awful person most of the time.

Well Blogger, it has been a while.

Really, the only new thing that has been going on in my life is that roommate M and I are planning on starting a webcomic with some old characters that we rediscovered and fell in love with again.  When I told Nancy she got super excited because it sounded like something I would like and also it would be nice to have something to work on other than academic things.

Obviously, she is going to take care of the drawing; I'm doing most of the writing and probably going to be maintaining the website and all that fun stuff.  Which is great!

Not sure when we are going to get it running but we have a charahub and I have things written in a notebook and I'm really excited about it.  It is nice to have something creative to do again.


I did go to Y&G this past weekend, and while it was nice seeing people and getting away from Bing, I'm also feeling like my usefulness in being there has...waned, so to speak.  I'm not one of the...I think 5-6 lawyers who are advisors now, so I kind of get pushed to the side.  It makes sense, but I just wish that I could be of more help?  Especially when I was begged to show up.

(Oh, and I went to the Capitol dressed in jeans because lawl academics have no nice clothes.  Also because I'm bigger than any of my nice clothes now due to weight gain from meds and stuff.  Blah.)


I'm making some decent progress on my prospectus, I think, but I've been slowing down.  I think it is because I need a substantial break to recharge.  Hell, even today I wasn't feeling great, but still probably could have gone in to class and stuff.  Instead, though, because I was unprepared due to feeling a bit burned out, I cancelled everything and cleaned stuff at home.

I have midterms and papers to grade on top of my own work and it just all seems kind of daunting at the moment.

I wanted to do work during my office hours this morning but it is so fucking cold in this office right now and I can't deal with it.

Also I'm slowly making a theory and prospectus, and I have finally settled on an advisor and a committee (though I still need signatures from 2 of 3), so that is good.

I did go to a career coach earlier in the week, and he gave me an exercise to do, so I might do that at some point.  I really need to.

Really, I do need to sit down and write something substantial in here again; I've been feeling kind of empty and stuff but I guess that's nothing too new?  I would write now but again...the cold is kind of making it difficult for me, not going to lie.  I'm pretty sure the problem is that our office doesn't get heat which is bullshit.

And I would move to the computer lab but I still have office hours until 1; I had a student tell me yesterday he was going to show up but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't, honestly.

I meant to take an hour nap when I got home, get up, and go to mma tonight.

Instead I either turned my alarm off in my sleep or something, ended up sleeping for closer to two and a half hours, and missed mma.

And I had dreams about fanfiction and ducks dressed like templars.

Yeah, I don't get it either.


Also I have serious things I really need to write about, but.

I'm lazy right now.

For some reason I've been so fucking tired today.  I keep waking up and then going back to sleep and having weird-ass dreams (my most recent one basically was me not being drunk but feeling drunk and unable to do much of anything and I was getting thrown around a lot and it was weird).

I don't know if it is from working out or from just my general mood being in the fucking crapper but.  It is weird.  I feel weird.

Managed to get to the gym three days in a row, so that is good.  I just need to keep the momentum going.  Maybe make Wednesdays my rest day since I have so much other shit I'm doing then.  I just really fucking need to get into a routine again, or something.  I hate the way I look and stuff, so...yeah.  Gym.  Exercise.  Etc., etc.


Also I'm feeling down and worthless and stuff which makes me not want to work or do much of anything so I guess it was an accomplishment that I eventually dragged my ass to the gym.  And I was able to read Kings Rising, finally, so that was good too.

I just keep thinking about things.

My state of mind is really fucked up right now for obvious reasons and it is bleeding into other aspects of my life.

Example - I'm convincing myself that my friend no longer gives a shit about me since getting a girlfriend.  Never hangs out with me, never comes home, didn't even acknowledge me at the party I was at, or ask if I was alright after leaving after maybe 10 minutes.  After being away for six months because of breakdowns, he hasn't made any effort to try to hang out (except for one awkward lunch) with me without his gf and stuff.

But whatever.  It's fine.

I'm the platonic chick friend so I'm automatically kicked aside when romance comes along.

And people wonder why I isolate myself as much as I do.

It's safer.

A friend had his engagement party today.

I tried going but got emotional since I've been thinking about stuff all day.

So I left after like...what, ten minutes?  Something like that.

And another friend didn't even say hello to me or anything, but that's fine, I guess.

I'm feeling very drained right now.

I just found out that my cousin committed suicide.

I wasn't very close with her, but...

I just wish she hadn't felt so sad that she felt like this was her only option.

As someone who has been on that edge, I don't have to imagine how she felt...I just wish she had been happier.

She was always so kind...not very talkative, but always nice.

I still haven't received any sort of email back from the three professors I asked for help around a week ago, so I'm kind of on my own right now and kind of screwed.  In a weird way, though, I'm past the point of caring?  If I really cared as much as I once did, I would be freaking out a lot more than I currently am.  I can't bring myself to care right now about anything related to school, which kind of sucks because it is where I am right now and everything and I had been hoping that a semester off would have revitalized things but...no, they haven't. 

I can say this: I currently don't feel sad, like usual.  I just...don't feel much of anything most of the time.  Or rather...even that isn't exactly accurate.  I get angry at things, frustrated, even happy.  But these are fleeting, and when the time passes, I'm back into a state of nonchalance and...blankness, if that makes sense. 

Like...I feel so far removed from being happy that I don't know what that even means anymore.  

I know I'm still miserable, really.  I think the fact that I can't muster up the ability to care about anything I''m doing says that enough.  

More and more I become aware that academia isn't where I should be.  But do I struggle through the dissertation to get my degree?  Just focus on that and don't bother with any other papers? 

I've already said that I want to do something where I actually make an impact on people's lives, for the better.  

Some other things that I'm passionate about are dogs, women's rights, LGBTQ rights, fantasy fiction, fiction in general, math (pure math, not the statistics stuff I'm currently doing)...

Basically, I think my path is pointing towards more activism, somehow.  

Or being a writer. 

Maybe I can do both?  

I just don't know how longer I can stand the suffocation of academia.  

So instead of doing any work this weekend (despite that I need to have evidence for some serious shit by Wednesday), I cleaned the house while rewatching season 3 of atla and played a fuck ton of Rise of the Tomb Raider (which is so much fun omg).

Despite having a project that I'm interested in, I'm still not passionate enough to get myself actually doing it seriously.  Which kind of blows, but I guess that goes hand-in-hand with my disappointment and hatred of academia.

Oh, and I did email three professors asking a serious question and not one of them emailed me back so that's fun.  Thanks guys, I kind of don't know where to start in finding the data I need and need your help but sure, radio silence is cool too.


Tomorrow I should write down things that actually make me passionate.  I came to a conclusion recently that I think I want to do something that actually makes a difference in people's lives.  Like, I want to have an impact on people.  Even if just one-on-one.  I think I want something like that.  And I've been feeling more and more that academia is not that place.

Started playing Rise of the Tomb Raider and it is really fun so far!

Also went with a friend to lunch and then to arcade and then had some adventures at Walmart (including unsuccessfully looking for the unmasked Kylo Ren pop, sob).  Would have been nice if roommate B came, but he had meetings, and then of course I didn't see him at home because he never comes home anymore.

So my bill for Bing came in and basically said that I didn't get the full tuition scholarship that I had been getting, resulting in me owing them apparently over $2000.  And now I'm panicking because I can't afford that and I was under the impression I had the full scholarship since it was what I had always gotten and people told me before I went on leave that nothing would change and now I'm afraid they were lying to me and fuck.

why am I still here.

Instead of doing any work this weekend I spent it finishing the novelization of The Force Awakens and blazing through The Song of Achilles and my god it was fantastic and sad and wonderful.


I don't want to read academic stuff I just want to read fun things from now on.

But tomorrow I should get back to work, unfortunately.

I just had to dig a splinter out of my foot that was at least an inch long.

Don't know how that happened, really, but...interesting way to start today.


Apparently the admins at school are thinking about proposing a dog ban and I'm kind of freaking out about it.  Because I've brought Callie in - yes on some days where I just wanted her to come with me - but more for help if I was feeling super anxious or depressed or anything that day, and she helped me deal with that.  So now I'm thinking I need to get her classified as an emotional support dog, just so that I can bring her onto campus when I need her to be with me.


Also went to lunch with people yesterday and had a good time.  And back in my office and roommate B's girlfriend was being welcoming and nice and stuff.  I need to get to know her a bit more, but I shouldn't let my annoyance with his actions impact my judgment of her.

Sad today.

Mostly because my afternoon discussion section was garbage and because roommate B confirming that he's going to spend so much time at his gf's and despite that he said he'll make time to do stuff with me, I'm skeptical.

Maybe I'm just skeptical because I'm sad.

Or vice versa, I don't know.

I was also at school for around 10 hours today, so I'm super tired.

Cereal for dinner.

So at my session today, I was able to explain to Nancy some good that has happened over the past few days - my asking roommate M about some house-related things, and my professor in my advanced research seminar class being kind of awesome.

But also the bad, which has been kind of piling on.

First about roommate B and his girlfriend, and how I'm feeling very left out and whatnot, and again it was suggested that I speak with him about stuff, because he might not realize that he's been basically absent in my point of view and that I'm feeling this way.  It's just tricky with new relationship-type stuff.

And then, and maybe even more importantly since I've come into some new information, is the miserable state of our department at the moment.  There is so much high school bullshit happening that I don't even know where to start.  When a friend of mine - who has been basically ostracized within the department for what I now understand are dumb communication errors - starts crying upon seeing me, not only because I'm personally back, but also because she's just so relieved to have someone who is her friend and who won't make her feel unsafe...that's all sorts of fucked up.

I've been out of the loop when it comes to the drama within our department, but I was able to finally hear her side of a story and now I'm more aware of the miscommunication and the mob mentality which followed and how bullshit it is.  And it just...angers me and fuels my cynicism - we're supposed to be academics and yet we fall into the same dumb tropes as, say, the fucking Tea Party: we don't like what you're doing/don't like that you disagree with us, and we disapprove of whom you've chosen to become friends with, so fuck you and your children and your children's children.  Without listening to the other side.  It's even worse because we should know better.   

Between what has been going on within the grad students and what has gone on among the professors, I just have little faith in the department as a whole.  When will they all decide to turn on someone else?  For what reason?  I don't really trust a lot of the professors anymore, given some of the shady shit they've pulled - the ones I do trust I can't really work with as an Americanist, since they're basically all Comparative people.  And now I can't trust the grad students because of this mob mentality shit which has deeply hurt a friend of mine who dared to disagree with the majority (and even that is kind of up for debate, since again, miscommunication).

They all also accused her of something that she didn't do, and instead of asking her - like I did - they just continue assuming behind her back and I trust her to tell me the truth so if she told me she didn't then she fucking didn't and please stop this fucking witchhunt.  I wish I said something a month ago, but I didn't know what to do and I was stupidly afraid of speaking up (probably due to said mob mentality) even when I should have and that was me being a bad friend but I'm done with that now, after seeing how all of this has affected her.

I won't go on a white-knighting crusade, but I will at least try to speak up if I hear bullshit now.

And hopefully I can act as a shield for her, in some way.  Maybe just by being around, I can help her not feel so fucking helpless and alone.

I know what that is like (less due to bullying and more due to my own depression, but still), and I never want someone else - who is an awesome person who works hard and is super fucking nice and actually acts like the adult she is - to feel like that.

I actually was decently productive today!

This morning I cleaned out the entire kitchen, so it looks actually quite nice at the moment.  Did so while listening to Star Wars songs, which made it feel more epic than it actually was but hey...anything that gets me doing shit is always good.  Plus I've found that I don't like cleaning when other people are home?  I'm not entirely sure why, to be honest...I just feel tenser when there are others around and I'm trying to clean (more so for common spaces than my room).

But yeah, so that is good; I started in on the living room also but I kinda was all...mentally done cleaning by that point, so maybe I'll do that later on in the week.

(And then I told roommate M later when she got home that I really would like for it to stay that way, which includes putting things away, washing dishes within 24 hours of using them, wiping down countertops, etc., etc.  Luckily, she responded that if she didn't comply with any of my rules, I could feel free to yell at her, which I appreciated...it showed that she's willing to go along with the plans I set out.)

I read three articles (so far; might try to read another before bed), and while I would have liked to have read more, it's better than nothing.  I'm trying to bolster now my race and politics literature, and then for anything I want to do I want to take an intersectional race+gender approach, so I'm trying to look mostly at things like that.

I was also good in that I stayed in the living room rather than my bedroom today.  More work was done and I felt less trapped.

And I read a lot of The Force Awakens novelization!  It's good for me to continue reading for fun also, so I'm going to try and do that as much as possible.


Roommate B still hasn't come home at all which...I guess I shouldn't care but I've barely seen him since I've returned, and it kind of sucks when your best friend in the area seems to not care enough to see you as much once he finds a girlfriend.

Which is, I suppose, the story of my life.

So yesterday while I was still at my friend's, I texted best friend saying I was sad and being stupid as fuck and she called me, so I ran out with Callie, and proceeded to get hysterical and finally told her about my suicidal ideations acting up again.  And that my being around two couples as the fifth wheel is exhausting, and I'm reminded always of the ease to which I'm replaced and stuff.

She calmed me down and explained that I'm not replaceable (even though I doubt that greatly), and that others just have different priorities and that's not a value judgment on me or anything.

Still though, I hate being surrounded by couples, and I am surrounded by them.

And I don't know...I just feel like people probably had a better time last semester without me around bringing them down and being all depressed and stupid all the time.  I should probably just stay away from everyone.

I dunno.

I'll write more about this tomorrow.  It's late now.

I should be having a good time but I'm sad and feeling like a third wheel to two couples and this is why I stay in my room and don't hang out with people.

And we are playing a game I'm not that interested in instead of watching Empire so that's fun I guess we aren't watching the others even though I've been excited to do this all day.

Hah.

Can't even enjoy a night out with friends.

I'm a piece of shit.

Ugh this is why I didn't want roommate B's girlfriend to hang with us. I just wanted to have a Star Wars movie night and I finally actually planned something and she is talking through everything and doing other shit and idk. Like do that shit that I'm obviously not a part of (which is doubly annoying for me like thanks) when I'm not around since that happens often.

I wanted to like her but right now I'm just finding her more and more annoying.

Maybe I'm being unfair.

I can't fucking wait for roommate's boyfriend to go home omfg.

There's a website contest going on right now for the department, reminding me that I really need to start setting up a website.

But then I look at what people have on theirs and I'm reminded that my website would right now just be me going "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING."

Despite my saying that I would return to MMA as soon as I returned to Bing, I haven't gone yet because I'm a lazy sack of shit and I'm also afraid of going back and being reminded of how badly I've been neglecting any form of fitness.

Even though I really ought to go...

Maybe tomorrow, since it is Friday, no one will be there.


Also, unrelated, but since I played through the Inquisition DLC on the One, I have actual screenshots of my Inquisitor!

I love her so much.

So I'm back in Bing.  Didn't really want to come back, but the school year starts on Monday.  I actually got back on Friday due to wanting to leave before the blizzard hit the Island.

And I actually have been productive in the last two days!  Cleaned my room (still have some I wanna do but overall it looks good), donated some clothes that I finally decided to get rid of, took care of some bills, set up my One (finally), got Callie a vet appointment, etc., etc.  It has been good, getting shit done.

Only thing is that roommate M has her boyfriend over and...I'm not sure for how long?  Which is kind of frustrating; they've basically taken the living room (as in, have been sleeping in there also) and while I don't mind right now all that much, I will during the week when I need to get up at around 7 to get into school for stuff by 8:30.  Plus, when she told me he was staying, she didn't ask me at all; he was already here and she said that he would be staying here for a couple of weeks.

Weeks kind of put me off.

And then because they've been commandeering the living room, roommate B hasn't been here at all and has been with his girlfriend the whole time and stuff.

(Also the two of them owe me money that I desperately need.)

I was kind of hoping that I would enjoy American Gods more than I currently am.

Sad.


Also little sister went back to school yesterday.  Classes start next week for me so I'll probably be going back Friday or something.

Goals

So the other day I decided to get a sketchbook; a small one that was around $5 at Michael's.  I've been wanting to draw/sketch stuff again; I used to do it a lot, and while I never was great at it, it was still fun.

So today I drew in the first page - my subject was Pearl from Steven Universe.  I still have very much a cartoon/anime style but that's okay.  I don't expect to become super fantastic at drawing or anything, but I'd like to - at least - make my own character designs and draw some of my faves and everything.

I need to constantly tell myself that I don't need to compare my art to others, otherwise it won't be fun for me.  Easier said than done for me, yes, but I still should try.

While I never made a New Year's resolution, I think I might try at least these goals...and while I know they're vague and broad, they might help me at least somewhat.


First, step away from the computer more often, specifically tumblr.  While tumblr can be fun, it can also suck me in for way longer than it should, at the expense of me doing other things.  Also, tumblr does tend to have a one-track mind in terms of any sort of debate, and I want to step away from the toxicity that its extreme call-out culture has.

Second, try to find hobbies and stick to them (as long as they are fun).  Try my best to allow myself to have fun with these things even if I'm not good at them.  I want to draw?  So draw!  Don't compare your drawings to roommate's, who has been drawing consistently practically her whole life.  I want to work out and go back to mma?  Awesome!  Don't sit in class and feel like everyone is judging you for not being able to do this or that.  Just have fun with it.  Want to write for fun?  Go for it!  Writing for fun is something you've always enjoyed!

Third, read more.  I've been reading for fun more in this past month than I have probably within the last year, and I had forgotten (once again) how much fun it is, and how much I enjoy it.  Now that I have a fire (courtesy of best friend!), I can just borrow e-books from my library, and it will make things a hell of a lot easier!

Fourth, try to not overwork, but also try to work again.  Yes, I'm back at school, and with that comes a lot of pressure that I feel crushes me.  I'm basically at the starting line again (still?) in terms of dissertation and figuring out who my committee should be,  But try to take steps at a time.  I need to also try to not compare my work to others'.  People will be further along than me.  People will have more fleshed-out ideas.  Try to not allow comparisons which stifle you and put you back into the burnt-out hole that you found yourself in.

Fifth, get a better sleeping schedule.  This 4am - 2pm business is out of control.  Get back on track.

Sixth, allow myself to enjoy the company of other people.  Now, I know this one sounds weird, since I can't exactly force myself into having a good time, or whatever, but maybe...go out more, with friends.  With people from the department.  Allow yourself some vulnerability - I've avoided most people during my serious downs, and especially when I was away from the department this semester; I didn't want them to see me after they saw some of my own crashes and everything.  But they're good (most of them, anyway), and they will  not think less of me.  And those that do...aren't worth my time.  Allow myself to be friendly again.  And have friendships.  I know that maintaining those friendships has been difficult, and I've been isolating myself away from people, but...it would be better for me to socialize a bit more.


There's probably more that I can think of, but these are the main six on my mind currently.  And while some seem downright impossible during bad spells and crashes, I think it was important for me to write them down at the very least.

And hey, at least I'll be able to talk with Nancy again soon and then hopefully she can help me with all of this as well, as she has been.


[Edit] - Oh!  One more (or rather, two more but I'm going to roll them into one):

Seventh, drink more water.  Also, try making your bed more often and keep your room cleaner.  You're more productive that way.

I think about my own demise too often.

Sometimes by my own hand, and other times by some freak accident or by another, and I at times find myself wishing for those accidents because I know that while I - deep down - might want that nothingness to just ease myself of all that which I feel (and don't feel, really), I'm too cowardly to take that plunge.

I imagine it and I think about it all the time and it just seems...almost like a dream.

And with me not taking that path, I instead continue to drudge along this dull road filled with my own failures and disappointments.  And while I know, theoretically, that there is good along this road also, it is...impossible to see right now.

Hah, and part of me thought I was ready to return to school.  (Though, the other part of me always knew choosing to go back at this time was for monetary reasons only.)

Returning to Binghamton seems awful right now, but staying here also feels stagnant.

I wish...I wish I could just go somewhere new.

Though the last time I thought that going somewhere new would help me, it brought me to Bing, which probably made things worse.

Then again...

Sometimes, I think of London.

I think of Pennsylvania, where my college friends are.

I think of Wisconsin, where best friend is.

I just think...dream about places where maybe I would be truly happy.  Not happy "once in a while" or as part of a cycle that I continue to struggle through but...honestly happy.  Like how others seem to be.

Or at least normal.

I have this idea in my head for a book series but I have zero idea if it would be interesting to anyone or not and I'm afraid of my tendency to start things and then get bored with them super quickly.



I started this post with that line last night and then I guess forgot about it because that is what I do nowadays.

Though now I guess I can talk about my dream: I was in high school, and there was a soccer game going on.  Only thing was was that it was a home game, and I - for some reason - only had my away game jersey (which is green, while the home game one is white).  Instead of just going to the game, I decided I needed to find the white jersey no matter what, and I kept delaying going to the game in order to find it.  I looked everywhere I could think of, but couldn't locate it.  Even when one of my teammates came in, and I asked her where she found hers, she couldn't really help.  She just asked where I left mine from the previous year (even though we weren't allowed to keep our uniforms from year to year like that).

And I never did find that jersey.

Funny, when I woke up and told my mom this (as I tell her many dreams - she seems surprised and everything when I say how many I recall), she asked me what I thought it meant.  While she was joking, I did remark that Nancy and I would often go through my dreams and figure out what they meant in terms of my conscious self.

In this case, it probably means I'm searching for something - career choice, happiness, whatever just something - and I'm delaying going further in life in order to find whatever that is first.

Or something, I don't know.  Nancy is better at this dream-interpreting thing than I am.

I need to find something physical to do that will hold my attention for longer than a few days.

MMA was good for a while but I haven't gone back since I'm still on the island.

And even that got somewhat boring to me.

I need to find something to do every day.

I wish rock climbing or something of that nature wasn't out of my budget.

If I had more money I would do more things, I think.


Also I've been sick the past few days and I feel like garbage.

But on the plus side I read all of The Captive Prince and I started reading The Prince's Gambit today and it is wonderful.

I just love being both sick and depressed.

I just looked up the symptoms of overdosing on zoloft.




Perhaps isolating myself once again (unintentionally or intentionally) is my subconscious' way of telling me to pull the trigger already and stop doing this dance I've been waltzing for more than a few years.



Maybe I'm just going crazy.