So this past week has been kind of awful, mood-wise.  To the point where when I talked to Nancy this week I ended up crying a bit because I've just been feeling miserable and sad and like I'm a worthless sack of shit and that my status quo is to be sad and down and that brief moments of happiness will leave as quickly as they come.

Despite her telling me that I'm awesome and that she wishes I could see that, I just feel awful most of the time.  Like I'm doing everything wrong, and I feel so out of control that I don't want to even bother expending the energy to do things because I'm convinced that the result is going to be terrible.  Why bother trying if it is just going to be shit anyway?

Even eating has been weird...a lot of eating out because I can't even spend the energy to put things in the oven most of the time anymore.  Which sucks, especially since my weight still hasn't gone down or anything and I still feel like a giant sack of shit because of being heavier and not as muscular despite working out.

And I'm in Middletown for the service for my cousin who committed suicide and I can't help but partially envy her, as fucking awful as that sounds.  Because she took the plunge that I at times really want to take but haven't and probably will not.  But that peace and nothingness sounds far more appealing than my miserable status quo.

Though, it is selfish of me to be thinking of my own problems while up here to mourn her.

Heh, I'm such an awful person most of the time.